The Way We Were
by Erithil
Summary: The greatest tragedy is perhaps not the loss of loved ones, but to have them stand before you and not know how much you love them. A KakaIru fic.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: The greatest tragedy is perhaps not the lost of loved ones, but to have them stand before you and not know how much you love them. A Kakashi-Iruka shounen-ai fic.

**The Way We Were**

Er…a warning first, this is a _very_ cliché plot (wince) but I'll try my best to make it worth a quick read at least. Also, I'm a little nervous since it's the first time I'm writing a multi-chaptered shounen-ai fic, not even sure I'll be able to finish the entire story but thanks in advance for bearing with me. (smile) In case anyone is wondering, this story is not a sequel to "Finding Camaraderie"; in that one, there were no amorous feelings between the two, unlike how it is rather evident here (smirk).

And so it begins…

Disclaimer: Naruto and all characters mentioned are created by Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter One**

The dish still needed to simmer for another minute or two when he heard jangle of keys and the front door creaked open.

He smiled. "Don't get jumpy now, it's just me." He called out, adding a dash of pepper to the wok.

"Kakashi?" Iruka poked his head around the kitchen doorway. If anyone should be wearing a mask, it would have to be Iruka, Kakashi thought as he watched the chunin's face shifted through a myriad of expressions from wariness, to open surprise, finally lighting up with a look of unrestrained delight and affection that always managed to make his heart skip a beat. "What are you doing here?"

"Well!" He huffed, feigning a hurt tone and turned back to his cooking. "I'm happy to see you too."

Iruka's loud, distinctive laugh echoed slightly in the hallway where he could hear him moving around, taking off his sandals and setting the stack of schoolwork to be graded on the low table in the living room. Then, his favourite person was beside him, thoughtful enough not to stand on his blind side and leaning over to give him quick peck on his masked cheek.

"You know what I mean." He grinned. "I thought you won't be back until tomorrow."

"The mission went well, so I'm back early." Catching Iruka's careful searching gaze as the chunin automatically assessed him for injuries, Kakashi shook his head. "Don't worry, I'm not hurt."

"I'm glad." Iruka's expression relaxed with relief. "But shouldn't you be at home resting? I was even going to go over to your apartment later to air it out." His nose wrinkled slightly. "You know how stale and musty they get when no one's been in it for so long."

"I know. But after three weeks away on a long mission, do you think I'd rather rest at home or come see my sweetheart?" He laughed at the blush that clashed comically with the dark annoying scowl on the schoolteacher's face. The chunin was certainly not a sweet anything-he was all sharp wit, hot tempered and iron willed-still, he was decidedly amusing when he was riled. Kakashi beamed happily then added more seriously. "I just wanted to…er…that is, to…you know…uh…"

With a sheepish grimace, he rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, finding great difficulty in putting into words these strange inexplicable feelings that grip him sometimes. The wish to do something nice for the chunin, to be with him, to make him happy…

"I think dinner is done." Iruka pointed out helpfully, but he smiled to show he understood, brown eyes soft with gratitude.

"Er, right." Kakashi cleared his throat, dishing up the vegetable stir-fry onto the plate. "Besides, it's Thursday. I know how Thursdays are always exhausting for you so I thought you'll like some dinner."

Iruka groaned as he helped scoop the steamed rice into two bowls and carried them over to the dinning table. "Too true." He slumped into the chair and waited for Kakashi to sit down with the dishes. "No break in my class schedule, afternoon remedial plus double shifts at the missions desk."

Kakashi made a noise in sympathy and they started to eat. The jounin pulled his mask down and took a bite of the chicken, relishing the comfort of being able to eat slowly, dining with someone he didn't feel uncomfortable showing his face to. He snuck glances at the chunin as he ate, indulging in a sight that he had been deprived of for three weeks.

But his delight was tempered by the fact that Iruka seemed even more fatigued by work than usual. The school teacher was pale beneath his tan, a few straggly strands of brown hair had fallen from where they were usually tied up neatly in the pony tail to hang about his neck, making him look frazzled and tired. There were shadows under his eyes and a glassiness to his gaze Kakashi had failed to notice earlier. It was obvious he made an effort to answer the jounin's attempts at conversations but as dinner wore on, his grew quieter, a slight frown creased his brow as he picked listlessly at his food.

"Is it really that awful?"

"Huh? What?"

"The food." Kakashi gestured to the almost untouched food on Iruka's plate. "You've hardly eaten anything."

"Oh!" Iruka laughed apologetically. "No, dinner is fine, delicious in fact! I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling very well." He shook his head, one hand coming up to rub at his temple, wincing. "The kids were a handful today and I've got this headache all day and-"

"It's alright." Kakashi interrupted, smiling dismissively though a tiny hint of concern tugged at him. Iruka seldom spoke about being unwell even when he was. "Why don't you go lie down for a bit? I'll put these away in the fridge and you can have them later when you're feeling better."

"But you've come over specially to make this dinner!" He protested in dismay.

"And it'll re-heat just fine." Kakashi replied firmly. He stood, starting to clear away his own empty bowl and covering the plates of uneaten food up. "Go on, go rest." He nudged the chunin with a foot, shooing him towards the door.

Iruka sighed, resigned, and gave him a half-hearted smile. "I'm sorry." He repeated, getting up slowly. Kakashi raised a hand in acknowledgement as he bent over, trying to rearrange the items in the fridge to make space for the leftover dinner.

Suddenly, he heard a sharp gasp behind him.

"Iruka?" He whirled around.

The chunin stood hunched over, clutching the back of his chair with one hand to steady himself. The other hand was pressed tightly against his forehead, his whole face contorted with agony.

"Iruka!" He cried sharply as the schoolteacher crumpled to his knees, clutching his head in both his hands. In an instant he was by his side, crouching down and slipping an arm around the chunin's shoulders. "Iruka." He called again, stricken. "What's wrong?"

"Damn it. Head. Hurts." Iruka panted, breathing quick and shallow. "A lot." His eyes were squeezed shut against the pain, but when he opened them for an instant to squint at Kakashi, the jounin saw they were bright with tears.

The pain was bad, very bad.

With a curse, Kakashi clawed off his hitai-ate. The world spun and tilted with a whirlwind of colours as it always did when the Sharingan was revealed, then swiftly righted itself. He trained his eye on the chunin, working desperately to identify the jutsu and dispel it.

Nothing, there was absolutely nothing.

Only a tortured Iruka curled up on the floor, shaking and gasping hard as if he couldn't breathe.

"Okay, fine. No worries. Hospital. Yes, we'll go to the hospital. They'll know what to do." He knew he was babbling but he was too frantic to care. Iruka shuddered and bit back a cry as the pain escalated, his hands clenching and opening in helpless anguish.

Kakashi caught his hand and held it tight, his heart hammering in his chest. "Hang on, Iruka. It'll be alright soon." He instructed. Years of experience gained from dealing with crisis in the field was kicking in but he was still a bit surprised at how he managed to sound so calm when he was ready to explode with fear inside.

Briefly, he considered the syringes of morphine in the supplies pouch of his vest but dismissed the thought almost immediately. He had no idea what was wrong with Iruka and drugging the man might make it worse.

Giving the cold, clammy fingers a comforting squeeze, he released his hand and gathered the chunin into his arms, preparing to start the teleportation jutsu.

"Ka-kashi…help-" Iruka choked, his voice a strangled whimper. He jerked, his back arched against a wave of fresh pain that crashed through him.

Then abruptly he went slack, his head lolling to the side to rest against Kakashi's shoulder.

And the jounin's heart went cold.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, here's the next chapter…the cliché plot revealed. Yeah, but most of you would have probably guessed it already. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews! Writing this story is difficult, especially trying not to kill myself and readers with the overused plot (grin), so I really appreciate all the encouragements! Do tell me if you feel anyone is out of character because something about their interaction still feels a little off to me. (frown)

**Chapter Two**

He came awake slowly, feeling groggy, disoriented and terribly drained. The headache had receded and was nothing more than a slight pressure against his brain. A dark presence that lurked at the edge of his consciousness, smirking and silently awaiting for its chance to return.

Iruka breathed out a soft sigh and drove that thought from his mind. Slowly, he opened his eyes and blinked up at the whitewashed ceiling of the hospital room, then down at the cream coloured blanket that was tucked around him.

"Awake, are we?" A familiar voice drawled carelessly to his right.

"Kakashi?" He turned his head gingerly, almost afraid that the crushing pain would return, and peered at the person sitting beside his bed.

"Hmm." In the darkness of the room, the jounin was still and silent as a wraith. He lounged casually in the chair, half-lidded eye trained on the small book with the orange cover he carried with him at all times as he turned the page idly.

"How long was I out?"

"Saa, a couple of hours? Who knows?" He shrugged as if he couldn't care less, nonchalantly turning another page.

Iruka sighed. It was surprising at first, and it could hardly be considered as normal behavior, but he quickly learnt that when Kakashi was frightened or worried, he reacted as though he didn't care. The more worried he was, the more uninterested he seemed.

And right now, the Copy Ninja sounded like he was in danger of being bored to death.

Besides, Iruka held back a smile at the poor masquerade, it was too dark to read.

Glancing carefully around to make sure that they were alone and the door was shut, he slipped a hand from beneath the blankets and rested it over one of Kakashi's. Just as he had guessed, the jounin's hand was cold and tensed, and the long pale fingers responded immediately by capturing Iruka's hand, holding on with a desperation as though he would never let go.

Iruka felt a small pang of regret and squeezed his hand. "Alright?" He asked quietly.

Kakashi closed his eyes and swallowed, exhaling a small shaky breath. "Yeah, alright." He closed his book and put it away, finally facing Iruka with a tentative smile.

He found himself smiling back. "I'm sorry I ruined dinner."

"It's fine. I'll just make it again tomorrow."

"Mmmm…that's nice." Iruka murmured. "I'll help out too." Lifting Kakashi's hand, he dropped a kiss where the half-glove ended and his fingers began, watching the jounin's expression soften almost imperceptibly, smiling at the pure joy that lit up the stormy grey depths of his uncovered eye.

He knew Kakashi cherished it every time he kissed his hands. The jounin had never spoken his reasons out loud, but told him in a hundred small ways that he thought if Iruka could bear to kiss his hands-hands which formed seals for a lethal jutsu, hands which tightened around another's neck until it broke, hands which dealt out pain and death to so many, so often-then Iruka could probably love the rest of him as well.

It was, as with most of Kakashi's logic, nonsensical and just short of being ridiculous.

But he was glad for it, thankful for this little ritual of theirs so they could share these things which could never be spoken out loud. Things which were too fragile, too dangerous and neither of them could bear to give voice to, for fear it would undo them both.

"So, what did the doctor say? Can I go home now?"

Kakashi shook his head, smile fading a little when reminded of the reason they were at the hospital. "Tsunade said she needed to do some tests. We'll have to wait for the results to know."

"_Tsunade?_" Iruka bolted upright in bed, horrified. "As in _the_ Hokage Tsunade? You went and _bothered_ the Hokage because of a little headache?" He moaned and shook his head in despair. "She must be furious!"

"Well, she didn't seem very happy when I demanded to see her." Kakashi cocked his head to one side as though considering it carefully, then beamed. "She was taking a bath!"

"_Kakashi!_"

The silver head bowed and his voice was suddenly quiet and sober. "I thought you were dying, you know." The hold on his hand tightened again.

Iruka bit his lip and didn't have a reply to that.

They heard the footsteps along the corridor outside at the same time and they sprang apart at once, releasing each other's hands. They had a mutual understanding that they didn't like their relationship to be made known to others. Too much trouble, too many complications and all good ninja kept secrets after all, like a prized special jutsu that was honed to perfection with patient practice but never to show another unless it was an enemy who wouldn't live to tell anyone anyway. So the rest of the world saw them as good friends, best friends even, and they both agreed it would be best if they didn't know otherwise.

Kakashi rose and stood in casual attention as Tsunade came into the room, a dignified gesture of respect that the ANBU practiced, a habit which Kakashi seemed to have difficulty forgetting despite leaving their ranks. She glared at him, still seeming a little miffed at having her evening disrupted, but her expression took on the gentle concern of a healer as she faced her patient.

"Iruka."

"Hokage-sama." He inclined his head respectfully.

"Can you remember what happened?"

He nodded uncertainly. "I had a headache and it grew worse over dinner. It got so bad that I passed out I think." He glanced over at Kakashi who slouched unobtrusively against the wall with his hands in his pockets for affirmation. "Kakashi-sensei was having dinner with me and took me here I guess."

She made a note in the patient's folder. "When did the headache start?"

"You mean today?"

The sharp glance she cast him and the way Kakashi's eye widened in alarm made him squirm.

"You have these headaches often." Tsunade said, a statement, not a question.

"Everyday for the past week or so." He frowned. "Never this bad though, and sometimes it goes away if I rest in a quiet place for a while." Hesitantly, he met the healer's eyes. "Is it bad?"

She sighed and closed the folder, folding her arms across her ample chest. "I'll be frank with you, Iruka, and I must admit it's not good." She began grimly. "The tests and what you've just told me show that you have a growth in your brain."

It felt as though his blood had turned to ice. He barely noticed Kakashi had gone rigid, taunt with tension like he was expecting an ambush, ready for an attack.

"And is there a cure?" His voice shook.

"There is. With fine chakra control, we can carefully excise the tumor." She pursed her lips. "But with every operation, there's a risk. Given the location of the tumor and the extent, if any, of the normal brain tissue is accidentally damaged…"

"…you can lose your memory," She looked at him with compassion but did not shy from the truth. "or even your life."

Iruka stared at her, his heartbeat thundering in his ears. As a shinobi, he did not fear death but the thought of living on without his past frightened him more than he could ever imagine. A part of him was amused that he seemed to have his priorities all wrong but the memories of his parents, his childhood, his friends, his life…they all made who was today, to lose even one precious memory would be to lose a piece of himself!

As if in a dream, he heard himself ask "My memory. I-If I lose it, how much will-?" He broke off, unable to continue, twisting the blanket nervously in his hands.

"I can't be sure. A few days? A few months? Perhaps a year, but I should think no more."

_A year._ His eyes sought out Kakashi's and he saw the pain reflected in them. They had only been together for six months. To forget all of that, to lose what they have now, as if they never were…

"…the risk are high," Vaguely, he realized Tsunade was still speaking. "But I must strongly advice you to go for the operation. If you do not, the headaches will grow so bad they'll kill you. Iruka? Iruka! Are you listening to me?"

He looked down at his trembling hands, his mind spinning. Too much was happening, too fast. The sinister presence of the headache laughed and pushed at the fringes of his mind.

Taking a deep breath, he calmed himself. He knew what he must do.

Purposefully stilling his shaking hands, he straightened and smiled up at the Hokage. "I understood everything you have said, Tsunade-sama, and I thank you for everything you have done for me. But I must refuse treatment."

"What! Are you out of your mind-"

He didn't give her a chance to finish. "It is my choice. I do not want the operation."

"I don't care what you want." She snapped. Wood splintered as she slammed a fist down on the table. "I won't stand by and let one of my shinobi send himself to certain death when there's a slightest chance I might save him."

Iruka gulped and pushed back his fear, his resolve was firm. "I do not want the operation." He repeated.

"Don't be a fool." She growled and spun around, raising an imperious finger at Kakashi "You! Talk some sense into him."

Iruka swallowed. He knew he was being foolish, that he had made an irrational decision. But it was what his _heart_ had decided.

The jounin had not spoken a word but the way his face was impassive and the piercing black gaze was as cold as ice spoke volumes. He suddenly realized he didn't want to speak to Kakashi about this.

Because he knew what Kakashi would say.

Because he knew Kakashi had always been better at listening to his mind than his heart.

Because he knew Kakashi would always chose to _do the right thing_.

In a flash, before either of them could stop him, his fingers flashed through the teleportation jutsu and then he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Many thanks to anyone still interested in this story and I'm very sorry for the long wait for this chapter. It's getting harder to write…no matter how much I work at it, the characterization and interaction between these two characters still seem a bit off to me. (frown) Do drop me a note if you can to tell me what you think or how to improve. Thanks!

Anyway, here it is…

**Chapter Three**

Kakashi held himself perfectly still although his mind screamed at him to go after Iruka, anxious about the chunin's condition and worried that he shouldn't be left alone right now. But he forced himself to stay calm, mentally wrestling his concerns into an iron box and sealing the lid shut as he had done countless times on the battlefield. It came to him easily, this mental technique, and he instantly felt numb, switching effortlessly from the ragged edge of panic to a completely emotionless calm without a hitch in his breath.

Even Tsunade, who stood less than two feet away, did not show any signs of having detected his earlier distress. She stood, her fists on her hips, golden eyes glittering with irritation as she glared at the rumpled sheets and blankets on the empty hospital bed.

"Umino Iruka!" She roared then bit off a quiet curse. "Damn that man and his stubborn streak."

She closed here eyes and pressed one finger to the center of her forehead in frustration. "Kakashi."

"Yes, Hokage-sama." The Copynin straightened.

"You brought Iruka to me asking me to save him, but I cannot help him if he doesn't _let _me." She growled, turning around to look at him grimly. "I will not usually recommend a procedure so risky but the alternative is certain death, we have to try something even if it is dangerous. Without the operation, he'll be dead in three months!"

Taking a deep breath, she composed herself and asked in a quieter voice. "Do you know what's troubling him? Is he afraid the operation won't go well and he'll lose even those three months?"

She thought Iruka was afraid the operation might kill him, Kakashi mused but didn't bother to correct her. He suspected he knew the real reason why the schoolteacher didn't want treatment; he could read it in Iruka's dread filled eyes when they looked at him.

Bright with fear not for himself, but for _them_.

They didn't keep dates or anniversaries or any sort of that nonsense, but he knew a year ago he was no more than a passing presence in Iruka's mind.

No, he reflected somberly, a year ago, Iruka had positively _hated_ him.

"Maybe? Who knows?" He lifted his shoulders in a shrug, voice detached and nonchalant as though they were talking about the weather, or a stranger, and not the precious person he had come to care about more than anything else in this world.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Kakashi." One eyebrow twitched as she sighed in exasperation. "Have a heart, will you? I didn't think it would be possible but you two are such good friends now. He might listen to you. Won't you go talk to him?"

"Of course, Hokage-sama." He replied smoothly. "I will find Iruka-sensei and speak with him at once. Must the operation be done soon?"

"As soon as possible. Tomorrow, if he agrees to it." She said, smoothing out the patient folder she had unconsciously crushed in her rage. "Tell him I'll handle the operation myself of course."

"Please, Kakashi." She looked at him gravely. "This is serious. You must convince him."

"I will try my best." He managed a smile he didn't feel and vanished into the night.

* * *

Three teleportation jutsu later, Iruka was still nowhere to be found.

Kakashi scanned the long grass surrounding the memorial in the moonlight, feeling his hold on his calm slipping. Iruka was not at the ninja academy, nor was he at the training areas and he clearly was not at the memorial either.

Kakashi's brow furrowed. Maybe he was hiding? Where would he go?

Chewing on his lower lip as he pondered, a sudden thought struck him and he would have laughed if he wasn't skimming the edge of panic so closely. He had been thinking of where _he_ himself would go if he were upset. But Iruka had always thought about things differently from him.

The chunin would have gone home.

He readied himself for another jutsu, glancing at the memorial stone out of habit. Moonlight glimmered off the polished black surface, gentle and warm, like the kind gaze of those who had once been so dear were watching over him.

His head dipped briefly in respect and prayed they were watching over Iruka too.

* * *

Iruka was standing in the kitchen, turning the stove off when let himself in through the window.

"Hey." Iruka greeted him with a smile that was a little too bright. "I felt a bit hungry so I'm just heating up some dinner. Want some?"

He shook his head slowly, suddenly awkward and unsure what to say. Relief flooded him at finally finding Iruka again that he was content to do nothing but stare at the man for a while, watching the chunin stir the soup left over from dinner.

The schoolteacher had showered and shed the plain white hospital shift he last saw him in. Instead, his dark brown hair was bunched up neatly with not a strand out of place and he had dressed himself in a fresh set of uniform. The metal plate of his hitai-ate, perfectly centered on his forehead, gleamed as he turned around to bring the bowl of soup to the table, his movements smooth and sure.

That had always been Iruka's way, drawing strength from these familiar things, reminding himself of his purpose, of his life as a shinobi to compose himself.

But he was still frightfully pale and the strain in his eyes from the barely suppressed pain fooled no one.

"Sorry I left you in the lurch to deal with an angry Hokage." Iruka was still chatting conversationally, tone deliberately light and casual. Flashing him a quick teasing grin, he wiped the stove top with a damp cloth. "I hope you're not too mad but-"

"Iruka."

He stilled, the false cheer slipping off his face like a mask, leaving him looking tired and ill. "Kakashi, please." He said quietly.

His insides twisted at the sadness in his voice but Kakashi took a breath and went on doggedly. "You know you have to go for the operation, there's no other choice."

"No I don't." There was steel in his voice, sharp and cold. "And it's my choice to make."

"Listen to me, you're unwell and need help." He frowned, getting angry.

"I feel fine."

"That's because they gave you painkillers just now."

"Then I'll take painkillers for the rest of my life, damnit!"

The chunin exploded, then grimaced, staggering at a sudden flare of pain. But he caught himself with one hand against the countertop before he could fall. The dishcloth was crushed into a tight ball in his clenched fist as he stood glaring at Kakashi, chest heaving with emotion, entire frame trembling in the wake of the pain.

The silence was loud in the tiny kitchen after their shouts.

Kakashi stared at Iruka in dismay. Every nerve in his body was tingling for him to leapt to the chunin's side and hold his arm to support him. But he knew Iruka had a deep sense of pride and hated to appear weak in front of anyone, least of all him. So he held himself back, gritting his teeth in helpless frustration, at a lost of how to persuade the man when the normally sensible chunin was acting like a brat throwing a childish tantrum.

"You know it's not just the headaches." He tried again more calmly, trying to be reasonable. "You'll _die_ without treatment."

"It's my life and I can do whatever I damn well please with it!"

"Iruka!" He barked sternly. The chunin was not the only one with the 'sensei voice'.

The younger man took a deep breath and passed a hand over his eyes. His shoulders slumped. "Please Kakashi, don't make me do this." He said, sounding fragile in a way Kakashi had never seen nor heard from him before.

All of a sudden, a terrible black rage descended on Kakashi, blocking out all thoughts save one.

_This was not Iruka!_

This could _not_ be Iruka. Iruka was strong and brave and full of bright with optimism for life. Not this weak, pathetic _thing_ that sounded so utterly lost and defeated; a coward not even willing to put up a fight for his life.

White, hot fury coursed through his veins and as though in a dream, Kakashi started forward.

Ready to drive a chidori into his chest…

To choke him until he released the henge…

Reaching out to shake this hateful imposter so hard until his neck snapped…

His half-gloved hands were shaking as he put them on the slumped shoulders, but he surprised himself by gripping gently instead to make the man look at him. "This is about me, isn't it?"

Iruka rolled his eyes and snorted. "Don't flatter yourself, O mighty Sharingan Kakashi." He mocked but the humor sounded forced. Then he sighed and admitted, "Yeah, you're right, it's about us."

"There is no _us_."

Iruka flinched as if he had been slapped and Kakashi immediately regretted even thinking of using that lie on him.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean that, please…" He breathed fervently, throwing his arms around the chunin and drew him close. Dangerous emotions bubbled too close to the surface, testing the seal on the iron box and tangling up his speech. "I…You are important to me…please, I can't bear it if…I mean…I just don't want you to die."

Iruka had closed his eyes and let his head fall forward to rest against his shoulder, but he didn't respond. He stood stiffly in the circle of his arms and was silent for a long moment.

Finally, a sigh escaped him, a kind patient sound, and he relaxed all at once, curling one arm around the jounin's waist to return the embrace. A hand settled at the back of his head, stroking his silver hair gently, as though he thought the jounin was the one in need of comfort.

"I might die from the treatment." Iruka said matter-of-factly against his shoulder, in that calm, levelheaded tone he knew so well.

"You won't." He said fiercely, ignoring the sharp spike of fear the words sent through him, clutching the schoolteacher even more tightly. "You'll be alright after the operation."

"Still, if I were to lose my memory, forget you…forget this…" Iruka laughed, a desperate broken sound that was closer to a sob. "I won't even miss it. Can't miss something you never knew you had, eh?"

"You won't." Kakashi repeated, a small part of him holding on staunchly to the belief that maybe, if he said it enough times, it would come true.

"It's possible, you know. You heard what Tsunade-sama said." And when he started to protest again, Iruka pulled away so he found himself staring into the schoolteacher's deep brown eyes, dark with compassion but burning with a determination to make him face the truth. "No Kakashi, you can't just ignore or deny it like this. You have to understand…there is a chance, a huge chance that this won't turn out well."

"I mean…I need to know you understand this… because if this doesn't turn out well…" His dark eyes turned sorrowful as they sought his, filled with so much concern and love Kakashi almost couldn't bear it.

"… I won't be the one who'd be hurt."

Kakashi's eyes widened, momentarily speechless. He could only stare at the chunin wonderingly. Looking at the troubled expression on his face and the resolute set to his mouth, he suddenly realized Iruka had already analyzed the entire problem from every possible angle and knew exactly what the stakes were.

Iruka wasn't being stubborn or cowardly.

Iruka was trying to protect him.

_Ah the dear man…_Kakashi thought fondly, his throat suddenly tight with emotion.

"I understand how easily things can turn out badly." He replied carefully, trying to show he had given the matter serious thought. "And if this really doesn't turn out well…if you really forget us, if you really died-" Here, his voice trembled a bit at the mere idea but he went on firmly. "I admit it won't be easy, but I promise to try my best to deal with it and move on."

He smiled, trying to be reassuring. "I'll be okay."

Iruka looked searchingly into his eyes as he considered his answer. Apparently, he must have found what he was looking for because he nodded. "Alright. I'll do it. I'll go for the operation." He relented. "I just needed to make sure."

He looked away, the scar across his nose pulling as his brows bunched up in a worried frown. "But still, losing my memory, that's pretty scary too." He mused quietly, scuffing one of his toes against the floor tiles absently. "A big chunk of your past missing…to not remember any of this…just like it never happened…" He closed his eyes and swallowed. "Sometimes, I think I'd rather die than risk it ending up like that."

"No! No, don't say that." He pleaded, his voice loud with alarm, making Iruka look up in surprise. The thought of the chunin giving up and just accepting death terrified him so much that he wasn't aware of what he was saying until the words were out of his mouth. "Please, even if the mind does not remember, the heart will. Your heart will remember this, remember _us_!"

There was a moment of pure silence, then one corner of the chunin's lips started twitching.

Kakashi blinked then groaned inwardly. What a sappy, stupid thing to say! It almost sounded as bad as some of the romantic nonsense in Icha Icha Paradise, he shuddered.

Ah well, he couldn't take it back now so he might as well play it cool and make it sound like he meant to say it all along. Besides, it seemed to have lightened the mood, feeling less tense than he had ever since Iruka first collapsed. He cast the younger man, who was obviously fighting laughter, a half-lidded glance and nodded sagely. "The heart will remember."

"And if it doesn't?" Iruka challenged, a mischievous spark in his eyes.

His smile turned sly. "Then I'll just have to woo you back!"

The blush that bloomed on Iruka's face almost made him forget their present troubles.

The chunin dropped his gaze and said ruefully, with just a hint of bitterness. "But it won't be the same."

Kakashi sighed and didn't deny it. Instead, he drew the schoolteacher close again, resting his chin on the chunin's shoulder, staring absently at the steam rising from the bowl of soup on the table.

"No it won't." He reflected quietly. "But you'll be alive. That's all that matters." He took a breath. "Life is important, you know. As long as we're alive, we can change things, we can try to fix things, make our tomorrows better."

"As long as we're alive, there's hope."

Iruka laughed, his breath ghosting warmly through the mask across his cheek. "Did you come up with that motivational speech by yourself?"

"Actually, that's from my sensei." He smiled, straightening to run a hand through his hair sheepishly, feeling a lingering sadness after all these years. "He told it to me at a low point in my life to encourage me."

"The idea is great and all but I'm not too crazy about the wording." The chunin quirked a skeptical eyebrow at him but laid a warm hand on his arm to indicate he recognized the significance of this bit of information, touched that Kakashi was willing to share precious memories of his past with him. "I sure hope you didn't use this cheesy line on your students." There was just a slight hesitation in his voice but his smile was firm and unwavering.

Kakashi covered the calloused brown hand with his own, glad that they could speak so freely about his genin cell. Team 7 had been a sore topic for them in the past, and still was sometimes.

"Nope, my teacher-ly advice to them was 'Those who do not care for their teammates are worse than trash!'"

Iruka covered his eyes and groaned. "But that's even worse!"

He grinned cheerfully and mentally smirked at Obito. "Ah, good thing I didn't come up with it then."


	4. Chapter 4

More angst ahead. Sorry about that, but I do hope you'll enjoy this chapter anyway.

**Chapter Four**

Iruka swallowed the last of the soup and sat back, staring blankly at the table top. He knew he shouldn't have let Kakashi open his mouth, shouldn't even have let him set one foot into the house. Despite his air of nonchalance, he knew the man was sharp and terribly glib when he put his mind to it.

And it wasn't even hard! Not with reason on his side…Iruka seethed quietly, then sighed, resigned.

But Kakashi was right. Iruka knew there wasn't a choice the moment the Hokage told him the situation but he was worried for Kakashi.

"_You are important to me…please, I can't bear it if…I mean…I just don't want you to die."_

Iruka shook his head, smiling a little, as he recalled the earnest words. Sometimes, Kakashi could be so naïve.

They were shinobi, and death was no stranger to them. He knew he was important to the jounin, a fact that amazed and moved him every time he thought about it, but he wasn't so arrogant as to think Kakashi couldn't live without him.

However, if he were to forget everything precious that had happened between them…to pass him in the streets with no more than a polite smile as though he were a mere stranger… There were very few people Kakashi cared for in his life but those he did, he did so in his own quiet way, with a fierce loyal passion that left his heart completely open and unguarded.

Iruka closed his eyes. He really didn't want to hurt his beloved.

Taking a deep breath, he pushed the dark thoughts firmly from his mind and stood. Moving to stand at the sink, he settled into the mind-numbing routine of washing the dishes. The drugs took the edge off his headache and allowed him to at least remain conscious but he could feel bright sparks of pain dancing inside his skull every time he turned his head too quickly. He had managed to keep it from showing when Kakashi was there but he had to admit his condition was serious.

Rinsing off the soapsuds and leaving the bowls on the rack to dry, he wandered into the living room. Kakashi had gone off to arrange things with Tsunade but promised he would be back, leaving stern instructions to rest.

But Iruka felt too anxious to sleep. He paced about in his small apartment, picking up the clay kunai models he had the children make in weaponry class last week, wondering if he would still remember who did which one after tomorrow. His gaze ran absently over the neat row of books on the shelves.

Then, his eyes lit on one particular book and he smiled.

Picking it up, he turned it over and ran a hand fondly over the smooth cover, tracing the delicate patterns of red autumn leaves etched across the surface.

It was just a simple notebook, fancy though not terribly expensive, but it was one of his most treasured possessions. His father had gotten it especially for him on one of his missions to Rain before he died. Iruka remembered his father's twinkling eyes as he handed him the gift, the intricate design on the cover, the thin silver thread running through the spine, the pages made with the heavy high quality paper that only the best paper mill in Rain could produce…it was all overwhelmingly beautiful to his young eyes.

He vowed he would use it for something really good. None of his messy scrawls or his stick-figure drawings of sword fights and such. He planned to use it for the first day of school, or for documenting the greatest prank ever, or the first jutsu he'll invent.

He'll save it for something really great, something important.

He'll save it for something…_special_.

But nothing had ever seemed good enough for his precious notebook, and later, it became a cherished keepsake from his parents than something to be put to use. Iruka smiled as he flipped through the empty pages with their pale neat lines.

The crisp pages were a slightly yellow with age, a little dusty, but the quality stationery was almost as perfect as the day he had first received it.

Suddenly, he knew what he wanted to use if for; finally knew something special enough to write down in his precious book.

Sinking down to sit before the low table, he flipped purposefully to the first page, carefully smoothing it back against the line of the spine. He paused, thinking how to begin, and started to write.

* * *

The kitchen was dark but the living room light was still on when Kakashi returned. 

"I thought I told him to rest." He muttered as he moved towards the light. "If Iruka is grading homework I swear I'm going to-"

He froze, staring at the scene before him.

The academy teacher sat slumped over the low table, his head resting in the crook of his arm. His eyes were closed, gentle features relaxed and so utterly still, Kakashi thought for a terrifying moment that they were too late.

That the dreadful illness had taken his Iruka away from him.

Then, he spied the steady rise and fall of breathing and all at once, his world started turning again and he almost felt weak-kneed with relief.

Still, it took him a moment to compose himself before walking over and shaking the chunin on the shoulder. "Hey kiddo, it's way past your bedtime."

Iruka blinked up at him with hazy brown eyes and smiled sleepily. "You know that makes you a pervert right, old man?"

"Well, look who's the one with his mind in the gutter." He shot back, then added more seriously. "Come on Iruka, surgery is first thing in the morning. So rest. Now."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going." He struggled to his feet, swaying unsteadily on his feet with a wince.

Kakashi caught him by the elbow and helped him to the bedroom despite his protests, then watched anxiously from the doorway as Iruka pulled off his hitai-ate and slipped the tie out of his hair before sinking onto the bed with a tired sigh.

"So what time do I have to be at the hospital?" He reached overhead for the alarm clock on the ledge behind his bed.

"Don't bother, I'll wake you up."

Iruka stilled then looked at him oddly. "You're staying over?"

Kakashi met his eyes and nodded, sensing a significant moment between them. Iruka had stayed overnight at the hospital with him before when he had been badly hurt once in a mission and he had often lingered in the chunin's apartment chatting until the early hours of dawn, but they had never once spent the night at the other's house before.

It was a step forward in their relationship. It made Kakashi sad to think it was brought on by such an unfortunate situation.

"Well then, okay, uh-" Iruka sat up in bed, looking around. "I guess I can er-"

Kakashi rolled his eyes when he saw Iruka eyeing the floor. He could see the chunin getting flustered, trying to be a good host and thinking that it was only right that the guest use his bed while he slept elsewhere.

"Iruka, don't worry." He commanded, walking over to push the chunin back down on the bed and drew the blanket over him, firmly tucking him in. "I can sleep on the couch."

"Or we could try to share…" Iruka looked doubtfully at the narrow single bed, obviously still fretting.

That made him laugh. "Why Iruka-sensei!" He pressed a hand coyly to his heart in mock surprise. "Are you trying to take advantage of me?"

Predictably, Iruka blushed all the way to the roots of his hair and scowled magnificently at him. "Kakashi!"

He smiled and brushed the brown hair out of the glaring eyes, surreptitiously checking for signs of a fever. "I'm here to make sure you're alright so I don't want you stressing over niceties." He touched him tenderly on the cheek. "Just go to sleep, okay?"

Iruka sighed, eyes soft with gratitude. "Thank you."

This time, he almost made it out of the door before Iruka spoke up again. "And there's spare blankets and stuff in the-"

"The hallway closet I know! I know!" Kakashi waved a hand at the chunin. "Quit worrying and go to sleep already!" With that, he firmly shut the door.

He heard Iruka chuckle, the squeak of the bedsprings as he turned over and then it was quiet.

Kakashi shook his head with a chuckle of his own and went into the living room. The early spring weather did indeed called for blankets so he found himself rooting around the closet for them and bringing them to the couch. Something fell as he bumped against the table on his way past it and he picked the notebook up.

The book was obviously old but the ink was fresh. He flipped through it idly, wondering what Iruka was working on before he returned. His gaze fell on the large, graceful handwriting of the chunin.

'_Early Autumn_  
_How we got together, I'll never quite know. I guess our friendship just grew over the summer, and then suddenly one day, we just…were. We never actually spoke about it but Kakashi and I, we have an understanding I guess…it's strange but being together seemed like the most natural thing in the world. And so we are.'_

'_An unusually warm day in autumn__  
We strolled through the park and had ice-cream. It was a nice day.'_

'_October 14_  
_I remember the date because I had been looking at the calendar everyday for that week. Kakashi was late coming home from a mission. It was pretty nasty but he was alive and I was never more thankful for anything else in my life.'_

'_New Year's Eve  
__We went to-_

Kakashi stopped reading. It was too personal, almost like sneaking into someone's diary although it was pretty much about him as it was about Iruka. He could see what Iruka was trying to do though, planning ahead, putting pieces of their past down in case he really did lose his memories.

But they were just words on pieces of paper. Despite the emotions he could tell Iruka felt as he wrote them, they were flat and static. Nothing like the bright citrus tang of the lemon ice-cream on his tongue he still remembered from that day at the park, or how wonderful it felt to regain consciousness with Iruka's presence by his bed after that disastrous mission.

He closed the journal and swallowed thickly. Dropping heavily to sit down on the couch, he buried his face in his hands and finally let the tears come.


	5. Chapter 5

This story is moving so slowly I'm starting to fear it has no plot (sigh). Anyway, thanks for all the wonderful reviews and messages (Thanks, Arashinobara Jikkankakyoku!)which really encouraged me to write on. The characters are particularly difficult to write in this chapter: too sappy? too silly? too out of character? Do tell me, okay?

And now, one angst platter coming right up!

**Chapter Five**

Iruka slept fitfully that night. His dreams were ephemeral wraiths, taunting and teasing but when he tried to grasp their meaning, they were gone like wisps of smoke. He woke shortly after dawn, decidedly unrested.

He lay quietly in bed for a bit, watching the soft yellow glow seeping in between the blinds steal slowly across his ceiling, mingling with the grey shadows as darkness gave way to light. In this strange hour between night and day, where the world hovered on the brink of consciousness, it felt eerie and surreal.

The apartment was quiet but when he reached out carefully with his senses, he brushed against Kakashi's presence in the living room. Steady, warm and tranquil.

It made him smile.

Padding quietly out of his room, he stood for moment to look at the man stretched out on his battered, second-hand couch. His flak jacket, mask and hitai-ate lay in a crumpled pile on the table. It wasn't often he could observe the Copynin undetected, few got the chance unless the jounin was injured or unconscious.

But for now, he was thankfully neither. He was merely asleep, his breath coming slow and even through his slightly parted lips. One leg dangled over the armrest of the too small couch and he had flung an arm across his eyes as if to ward off the light of the morning sun.

He looked exhausted.

Iruka bit his lip, his heart twisted with guilt. After that long mission, Kakashi deserved to rest; not spend the night running himself physically and emotionally ragged by dealing with this whole mess.

Already he had hurt him.

"If you're just going to stand there and look at me, at least do so appreciatively and not so sadly like I'm some poor homeless puppy."

Iruka grinned and crossed the room to kiss him warmly. "Good morning."

A dark eye fell open, a little bloodshot with fatigue but crinkling with amusement. "Good morning indeed." Kakashi shifted onto his side to make space for him.

"You need a new couch, Iruka." He grumbled as the furniture gave an ominous creak. "Its got a broken spring or something and it poked me in the butt all night, and not in a very good way."

Iruka groaned, it was too early to react to the innuendo. But he still punched him on the shoulder, just on principle. Then, he sat down on the edge of the couch, still warm with Kakashi's body heat, and studied him. Up close, he looked even worse.

He cupped a hand around the pale cheek and brushed his thumb across the dark shadows under his eyes. "You look awful."

Kakashi snorted. "You don't look so great yourself, beautiful." He teased, flipping a lock of errant brown hair over Iruka's shoulder. Resting a gentle hand on his knee, his face became somber with concern. "Seriously though, how are you feeling? Because if your head hurts, Tsunade gave me more of those painkillers for you to take before it gets too bad."

"It aches a little." Iruka admitted and rubbed his arm reassuringly. "But it's not bad. I think the stuff I took last night should last till the surgery."

Something flickered across Kakashi's face at the mention of the operation but it was gone in an instant. "I'm glad." He smiled.

Iruka frowned, Kakashi was too good at hiding his emotions. In the time they were together, he had learnt to read the subtle signs of distress in every sideway shift of the half-lidded eye and every hesitant hitch in his breath, but he still could not tell if he was upset when Kakashi was determined to hide it from him. He was about to press the matter when he noticed the notebook wedged between the jounin and the back of the couch.

"Ah! I see you've found my journal. Did you read it?" He reached over and pulled his treasured notebook out, shooting Kakashi an irritated look when he saw the small crease on the edge of the cover.

Kakashi's eye closed off with an unreadable emotion and he looked away.

Raking a hand back through his silver hair, he stared up at the ceiling absently. "Just a little, I fell asleep before I could read much." He replied lightly, but he slipped his hand into Iruka's like a frightened child and held it tight.

"Kakashi?" Iruka touched his shoulder, worried.

The jounin swallowed hard but when he looked back at him, he was smiling again. "So, what do you intend to do with that?"

Unconvinced by the bright smile but unable to do anything about it, Iruka shrugged. "I'm not sure…" He pressed it into Kakashi's hands. "I guess…I want you to have it. You can show it to me…you know, in case I…er…" He trailed off unhappily.

They were both silent for a long time. Finally, Kakashi nodded. "Of course, I'll guard it with my life."

Iruka rolled his eyes and forced a laugh. "Oh don't be so melodramatic."

Kakashi was quiet and didn't answer. He closed his eyes and lay on the couch, looking impossibly weary.

Iruka bit his lip. He smoothed his silver hair off his forehead, concerned. "You really can do with a bit more rest after that long mission. Why don't you try to sleep some more while I get breakfast ready?"

Kakashi blinked at him, then threw his head back and made a loud, strangled noise that sounded like a cross between a frustrated growl and a howl of disbelieving laughter.

In the next instant, Iruka found himself flipped onto his back, staring up into a pair of intense mismatched eyes as Kakashi leaned over him.

"You, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi informed him gravely, jabbing a finger at his chest. "Are possibly the most ridiculous man I have ever met."

The Sharingan spun slowly in mesmerizing circles, the other eye darkened with emotion as Kakashi gazed down at him. He touched his cheek gently, a strangely reverent gesture, and broke into a soft smile. "But by the Gods, I _love _you!"

With that, the jounin kissed him soundly.

Pulling away a minute later, he pushed off the couch and started walking towards the kitchen. He snagged his hitai-ate as he passed the table and tugged it over his eye. Glancing back over his shoulder, he grinned rakishly. "_I _shall make breakfast."

Lying in a stunned, boneless heap on the couch, Iruka watched him go, mouth still agape with shock. His heart was pounding. The rapid changes in mood and the unexpected sentiment, as with most things Kakashi did, derailed him and left him scrambling after the scattered fragments of his mind to form a coherent thought. The broken spring in the couch did indeed poke rather unpleasantly, he mused absently as he tried to recover his breath.

Then, it all finally clicked.

Involuntarily, a slow smile quirked the corner of his lips and gradually spread across his face until he knew he must look like an idiot, lying there and grinning up at the ceiling like that.

But almost immediately, he remembered. Suddenly, he wasn't sure if the tears welling in his eyes were of happiness or grief.

He pressed a hand over his eyes and took a few shaky breaths, taking a moment to collect himself. It would not do for the Kakashi to see him like this; it would only worry him.

_Damn it, Iruka! Don't make this harder for Kakashi than it already is…_

Sitting up with a curse, he scrubbed angrily at his eyes and took a deep calming breath, forcefully turning the unexpected swell of emotions aside. Trying a few times until the smile felt right on his face, he heaved himself off the couch and ventured into the kitchen.

Kakashi was rooting through the fridge and cupboards with a grim determination as if he was going to prepare a feast. The counter was already crowded with ingredients. Iruka smiled as he watched Kakashi read the label on a packet of instant oatmeal, muttering to himself as he absently reached for another item on the shelf. It was amusing how the jounin seemed to know where he kept his stuff even better than he did sometimes.

"What would you like to have?"

"Actually, I'm not very hungry…"

"But you must eat something!" He sounded anxious. "We can have noodles, or pancakes, or soup, or-" He made a face, giving the box a little shake. "-oatmeal."

Iruka laughed. "I happen to like oatmeal." He surveyed the collection on the counter. "But how about porridge or some steamed buns?" He suggested, choosing something he knew the older man liked.

"An excellent choice." Kakashi nodded solemnly, though his uncovered eye twinkled and his smile was gentle with the knowledge that Iruka was thinking of him. The smile turned dangerous when the schoolteacher reached for the vegetables, intending to help out.

"Iruka." The jounin warned. "_I'm _making breakfast. You sit down and rest."

"Are you ordering me around in my own house?" He raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Kakashi let out a long suffering sigh, grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him into a chair. "For once, Iruka," He admonished. "try not to fight people who're trying to help you, okay?"

Iruka chuckled. Sitting at the table, he watched Kakashi prepare their meal. He always liked watching him work. The jounin had a natural grace, honed by time and practice into something that was at once beautiful and deadly. He moved with a smooth economy, poised and sure like the perfect balance of a well-made sword. Nimble fingers chopped the vegetables and minced the meat, moving as deftly as they did dancing through a complicated jutsu.

Looking at him, he realized Kakashi was strong. The jounin never talked much of his past, but he sensed a deep melancholy in him in his quiet moments and understood that the man had suffered grievous losses.

Losses that could easily turn a person mad with bitterness or irrevocably crushed with hopelessness.

But Kakashi was neither. A little sad and resigned perhaps, but he still carried himself with a quiet dignity, charged with a calm determination to pull himself through life despite all the miseries it had thrown in his way.

Iruka smiled, the tight knot of worry in his gut eased a little. Kakashi was strong. He would get past this if things didn't go well. Kakashi would be alright.

He believed it all through breakfast as they ate their porridge and split the last steamed bun between them.

Believed it as they brushed their teeth together in the bathroom, joking and jostling with each other as they fought over sink space.

Believed it even as they stood in the hallway, putting on their sandals.

He picked up the bag packed for his post-surgery hospital stay and was about to reach for the door when Kakashi caught his wrist.

"Iruka."

He turned around, barely caught a glimpse of the Kakashi's masked face before the jounin pulled him into a tight embrace, holding him closer than normal as if he was afraid he might never get the chance to hug him again.

The jounin was trembling.

A painful knot rose in his throat. The bag fell forgotten onto the ground as Iruka returned the embrace with a raw desperation of his own. It broke his heart to see this person who meant so much to him in pain, hurt him to know that he was the cause of it.

"Does it always feel like this?" Kakashi's voice sounded very small, muffled from where he had buried his face in Iruka's shoulder.

"What?"

"When I go away on a S- or A-class." Kakashi fumbled, trying to explain. "Does it feel like this? Like…like-"

"Like I might never see you again?" Iruka's arms tightened around the jounin, hands fisting in the material of his vest at his back. "Like someone tore out my guts and left them in the sun to dry until you come back?"

Kakashi went very still. "I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I didn't know…I…when you're well again, I promise I'll never-"

Iruka pulled away and cut him off with a stern look. "Now you're being silly." His tone softened when he saw the wretchedness in Kakashi's eye. "Look, don't worry, alright? Tsunade-sama is a great healer, I'll get better, you'll see."

"You won't be getting rid of me so easily." He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

But Kakashi did not return his smile. He dropped his gaze and stared at the ground in helpless frustration. "It…it just seems so unfair. We had so little time…"

Iruka's heart constricted at that. With a sigh, he lifted Kakashi's chin with a finger so he could look the jounin in the eye. "Hey, whatever happened to 'as long as we're alive, there's hope'?" Holding his gaze, he took one of the half-gloved hands and kissed it fondly.

"Besides, 'the heart knows', remember?" Iruka gave him an exaggerated wink, reminding him of the tacky but ardent statement he had said the night before.

That finally raised a smile from Kakashi. "And if it doesn't, I'm coming after you with everything I've got." He managed with a crooked smile.

The schoolteacher grinned. "A guy does like to be wooed from time to time."

They stood smiling weakly at each other for a long time. Iruka gazed intently at the man before him, trying to memorize the way he was to him in that very moment. The way he fitted so well into the turtleneck sweatshirt he had borrowed from him, the endearing way his silver hair was always falling into his dark intelligent eye, the tall lithe frame held perpetually in a deceptively casual slouch…

Holding his face in both his hands, Iruka reached up and kissed his forehead solemnly, in apology, in benediction…or perhaps farewell, he didn't know.

Kakashi closed his eyes and drew him close again, this time with less despair; desperation replaced by a quiet tenderness to cherish this moment the best they could.

"For what it's worth," Iruka murmured as he pressed his cheek against Kakashi's masked one. "For as long as I can, I love you too."

Kakashi froze for a second then melted in his arms. "Thank you." He said simply, but his voice was thick with emotion.

They stood in the doorway like that, sheltered in each other's embrace, separated from the real world and all that fate had in store for them by a thin wooden door.

"We have to go." Kakashi finally said, a little hoarsely.

Iruka nodded, straightened and picked up his pack. With one last shared look, he reluctantly released Kakashi's hand.

Outside, the sun was rising and Konoha was just waking up.

Taking a deep breath, he squared his shoulders and stepped out into the light.


	6. Chapter 6

Glad to see everyone is enjoying this story despite all the suffering and sadness and pain etc. (wry smile) Thanks for all the kind comments, especially glad to see assurance that the characters are not OOC and the plot is not too boring even though it might be cliché. Now we move on to the "proper angst" (as Arashi-chan puts it in her review) (grin). The situation would be different and somehow I feel is more tricky to write. So do continue to monitor and alert me to OOC-ness and other things you guys think can be improved.

Onwards, to "proper angst"!

**Chapter Six**

"Two more ampoules of DK9."

"Quick! More saline. And _hurry_!"

"Blood pressure falling. Situation critical. Tsunade-sama says to…"

The double doors swung wildly as the medics rushed in and out, bringing supplies and shouting instructions. No one spared any attention to the man lounging on the bench outside the operating room.

Feeling sick, Kakashi closed his eyes and hunched down further on the hard wooden bench, hiding his face a little more behind Icha Icha Paradise.

* * *

It was late evening by the time the light above the door went off and a tired looking Tsunade emerged. She pulled off her surgical mask and was searching through her robes for something when Kakashi stood and strolled over to her. 

Pulling a sake bottle out of the folds of her dress, she took a swig and raised a plucked eyebrow at him. "Still here?"

"Hn." He shrugged carelessly, eye still idly trained on his book as though he was unconcerned. "How is Iruka-sensei?"

She took another mighty pull at the bottle and hesitated, as if considering what best to say. It was hardly comforting. Kakashi shifted his weight carefully from one foot to the other, impatient with worry but fought to hold himself in check.

"He's alive." She said finally. "And the good news is we've got the tumor, all of it."

"But the growth was near some large vessels, it was impossible to avoid them." Her brows knitted in consternation as she shook her head, her voice grim. "It wasn't pretty, Kakashi. The hemorrhage was bad. We managed to stop the bleeding, but the damage was already done."

His anxiety tripled.

"What do you mean?" He asked, surprising himself with the cool, detached clinical tone.

Tsunade's voice was tight with frustration. "That's the thing about brain surgery. It's such a delicate thing, even the smallest mistake can be a disaster."

Taking a gulp of sake, she huffed out a long sigh, the fatigue from the difficult operation showing plainly in the tired droop of her shoulders. "Right now, we can't be sure. As I've told you both before, his memory is definitely at risk, but there can be other problems too." She gave him a wan smile. "We'll know more if he wakes up."

"If?"

She winced at how fast he caught on. "Sometimes patients don't wake for a long time-" A pained, apologetic look crossed her ageless face. "-if ever."

His blood went horribly cold.

"I see." He managed to say, his voice steady with studied nonchalance. But he couldn't stop himself from looking away, struggling to control the sudden swell of fear that welled up in him.

She looked sharply at him and frowned as she scrutinized him with her keen golden eyes. Then, her gaze softened with understanding.

Reaching out, she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. For a moment, she appeared her actual age; wise, regal and strangely motherly.

"Kakashi, I know Iruka is a very dear friend to you." She gave his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze and let a little stern lecturing tone seep into her voice. "It's unhealthy to pretend that this doesn't bother you."

Suitably chastised, he closed his book and finally faced her with a weak sheepish smile.

Suddenly, he felt like he was a child again.

Awkward and in awe of the loud, blonde woman who was always there when sensei took him to visit Jiraiya. A woman with a commanding presence that could bring a room to attention by merely clearing her throat, with an inhuman strength that could crush a rock to dust, but who always had a kind smile for a lonely child.

There was that kind smile now as she looked at him.

"Iruka is alive and stable. That's something we can be thankful for." Her smile grew proud. "And I'll say one thing about the man. He's a fighter. We almost lost him several times but he always held on and pulled through in the end."

"Don't be too worried. With that incredible will to live, I'm sure he'll find his way back to us."

Kakashi nodded dumbly, wondering how much of what she said was the truth and how much of it was just her efforts to comfort him. But he grasped that small glimmer of hope the legendary healer gave him, stowing it carefully away.

"C-can I see him?" His voice sounded young and lost even to his own ears.

Her eyes glowed with approval. "Of course." She tucked the sake bottle away and started down the corridor, beckoning him to follow. "Stay with him if you want. Even though Iruka is still unconscious, I'm sure he would like that."

She raised a warning finger at him as they stopped outside the right room in intensive care wards. "But he's still very weak so try not to disturb him too much."

He bit his lip and nodded. She smiled once more in encouragement, then left.

Kakashi stared at the door before him, took a moment to steel himself then set a hand carefully against the smooth wood. He cringed at the creak the door made as he pushed it open, the sound was loud in the graveyard-like hush of the ward.

Iruka looked almost delicate lying in the hospital bed, against the sterile white sheets. Wires and tubes stuck out of his arms, running off to machines that hummed quietly with a soothing regularity. A wide swath of bandage was wrapped around his head; his unbound hair fell about his shoulders, framing his deathly pale face.

He didn't look alive.

Kakashi could not tear his gaze away from the unconscious chunin. He swallowed hard and slipped quietly into the chair beside the bed.

One hand lay curled on the blanket, the nails tinged ever so slightly with blue. Seeing that no one was around, he reached out and touched his fingertips lightly to the upturned palm, hesitantly slipping his hand into the tanned one and held it.

It struck him it was all wrong as he slipped his hand into Iruka's. The palm was cool, a foreign feeling that made him uneasy.

In all his memories, Iruka had always been warm.

His brave optimism and fierce spirit lit up his entire being from within. His hands were always sure and warm with care when he helped bandage his wounds. Just this morning, the glow in his eyes as he gazed at him while they stood in his doorway had warmed his soul like a fire on a dark winter's night.

To see him so silent, still and cold, as though he was carved out of marble, was strange and a little frightening.

Kakashi tugged the blanket higher up around the unconscious chunin's shoulders, covering him more warmly, then cradled the still hand in both of his once more.

"Hey, Iruka." He whispered, rubbing absently at the cold hand, trying to warm it up. "Did you hear what Tsunade said? It's over and you did great."

He smiled a little deprecatingly at himself for talking to someone who obviously could not hear nor answer him, but went on anyway.

"Even the old lady thinks you did good." He reached over and stroked the stray strands of brown hair out of the closed eyes tenderly. "Maa, I guess you do deserve to rest for a while."

"But just for a little while, mind you." His voice wavered unexpectedly, the tension of the day was finally catching up with him. "J-Just don't sleep too long, okay?"

And Iruka did not reply.

* * *

Three days. 

For three days, Iruka lay unchanged, so deep within his coma he didn't even move a muscle.

And for three terrible days, Kakashi watched over him, unable to make himself leave the man although he knew with a helpless frustration he could do nothing to help him. He could only watch and wait, feeling his slender hope wilt away a little more with each day.

But on the fourth day, he felt a tiny shift in Iruka's chakra. The schoolteacher stirred sluggishly, as though coming out of a long dream, then immediately let out a low groan. Untangling a hand from under the blankets, he raised it to press against the side of his head, plucking uncoordinatedly at the bandages.

Kakashi took his arm and pulled it away with a gentle admonishment. "No, don't do that. The doctor says those still need to stay on for a couple more days."

Brown eyes cracked open into slits, hazy and dilated with drugs but nevertheless were trying to focus on him. There was a long moment which Iruka did nothing but looked at him through heavy-lidded eyes, frowning as he struggled to form words.

"Ka-ka-." He muttered hoarsely, his voice barely a whisper.

Relief flooded the jounin. "Yes, Iruka, it's me." He smiled, reaching for his hand.

The chunin's frown deepened as he shook his head, trying to clear the fog in his mind, swallowing hard to clear his throat to try again. "Kakashi-sensei." He managed at last.

Kakashi froze.

The truth hit him in a single instant, with such sharp clarity it pierced right through his heart.

Iruka had never once called him 'sensei' in private after they got together, unless he was teasing.

By the disoriented, puzzled but utterly serious expression on the schoolteacher's face, he knew he was not.

"Kakashi-sensei." Iruka repeated, eyes blinking wider open, becoming more lucid with every second. "What happened? Where am I? And what're you doing here?"

Kakashi retracted his hand and backed up a step, carefully hiding his emotions away. He gave the schoolteacher a calm, measured smile. "Ah, Iruka-sensei. You were ill and just had surgery." He replied lightly, choosing to ignore his last question.

"Ill? What? I don't understand-" Iruka frowned, confused, attempting to sit up.

"Easy now." From the way movement made the man grit his teeth, he knew Iruka was in pain and probably still far too weak. He stepped forward to restrain him but was startled when the chunin gave a small, frightened cry.

"I-I can't move my legs!" Propped up by his elbows, Iruka's eyes were enormous in his pale face as they stared in terror at his limp legs covered by the blanket. His breathing quickened and grew erratic, panting like a cornered animal. "I can't…I-"

"Iruka." Kakashi was at his side in an instant, his mind whirling at the implications. In their trade, nothing mattered beyond the strength of your body and mind. Icy dread rippled through him like a shockwave.

A crippled shinobi was as good as a dead one.

He put a trembling hand on Iruka's shoulder, half to support him, half to calm the man.

But Iruka didn't even notice him. In fact, he seemed to be lost in his own world of panicked terror, unresponsive to anything else.

It was as though Kakashi wasn't even there.

"No, no, no, no…" The chunin moaned desperately to himself. Heedless of the restraining hand on his shoulder, he struggled on his weak arms and pushed himself to sit upright in bed. His legs dragged along under blankets uselessly.

Hands curled into fists as Iruka hammered repeatedly at his legs, hard enough to leave bruises, the raw animalistic anguish in his voice chilled Kakashi to the bone. "No! Please gods…no…"

He was starting to hyperventilate, turning another shade of pale from the overwhelming shock and fear. The machines he was hooked up to started beeping urgently, little red lights flashing everywhere in warning.

Kakashi gripped the side rail of the hospital bed, terrified and barely holding on to composure himself. "Hang on, Iruka!" He commanded although he knew he was not getting through to the man. "I'll go get help!"

And with that, he rushed for the door.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm sorry the last chapter was a bad shock to read and generally very depressing…er, but this is an emotionally driven story and angst being the main emotion dealt with…so yeah. Thanks to everyone who are putting up with it, still reading and commenting though. (smile). It means a lot to me. Now, some "technical details" about brain surgery as I described it, which Ken Ohki asked about in the review. Please ignore the following paragraph if it doesn't interest you.

To Ken Ohki: I sorry but I don't know much about brain tumor removal surgery and should have researched this a bit more before writing the chapter. Please don't take what I described as surgery in the last chapter seriously; probably none of it is correct. (embarrassed laugh) But I was under the impression that surgery (no matter if it is brain or some other body part) these days are moving towards the "minimally invasive approach", which involves making a small hole and inserting a probe in to view as well as do any surgical manipulations needed. This is supposed to be better than making a big incision as it will reduce recovery time. So that was how I envisioned the surgery went for Iruka, that they only removed a small patch of hair to drill a tiny hole in his skull to look inside for the tumor, then with chakra (which from what I can see from the anime, passes through the human body quite easily) they cut the growth out and remove it. And as for asking the patient to speak/move hands and feet…I think they do perform that during some surgery to make sure they don't hurt some important part. But what I was driving at was that there was a hemorrhage. Bleeding in the brain is very _very_ bad. It means some part of the brain is deprived of blood supply, and hence oxygen which brain tissues are highly dependent on. It's just like in a stroke, ischemic brain tissues die and you have no control over which parts get destroyed. It's a very frightening thing for a surgeon to see I think, which was why Tsunade needed her sake after the operation. Okay, I've babbled on long enough about stuff I really don't know much about so I shall stop here (sheepish grin). Hope that helps answer some of your objections.

And now, back to the story.

**Chapter Seven**

Tsunade was at the Hokage Tower but she came at once when the hospital staff called her.

She descended in a brisk, almost queenly manner, coolly taking control of the situation as she strode towards the wards, demanding answers and giving out instructions to the doctors who trailed after her. Kakashi could hear her heels clicking authoritatively down the corridor even before the buxomly woman herself arrived.

He sat on his heels miserably outside Iruka's room, unable to stand being in the same room as the distraught chunin yet reluctant to leave him entirely. Guilt nagged at him as conflicting desires pulled him in two different directions. The strong wish to be by the chunin's side was at war with the part of him that just wanted shut his eyes, put his head down and run as far away from his beloved as he possibly could.

Because Iruka's pain was his own.

He knew it was the nature of all things living to avoid pain but it didn't stop him from feeling shamed, feeling that somehow, he had let Iruka down.

Restless with nervous energy, he stood with a small huff of frustration and ran a hand through his hair. With a slight tilt of his head, he glanced back over his shoulder through the glass window of the ward, checking on the schoolteacher for what seemed like the hundredth time.

The anguished wails had stopped some time ago, although he could tell that Iruka was still upset. He worried constantly at his bottom lip with his teeth, clasping his hands tightly before him as if to stop them from shaking, and even from a distance, Kakashi could tell his breathing was a little too quick and shallow to be normal.

But Iruka was sitting up, leaning back against a pillow and listening quietly to whatever the nurse was telling him. He seemed calm, eyes alert and attentive. There was a steely glint in his brown eyes and a small crease between his brows, which he knew meant Iruka was thinking hard about something.

A faint smile touched his lips.

In spite of everything, the familiar sight of Iruka-the brave, strong-hearted Iruka he loved so well-pulling himself together, gathering the tattered remains of his composure to try and make sense of the situation, still made him feel absurdly proud.

Tsunade swept past him and acknowledged him with no more than an imperious nod as she went into the room. Shizune trailed in her wake, harried and breathless from trying to keep up with the older woman's stride. She spared him a smile.

"Kakashi-senpai." The young aide ducked her head quickly but respectfully at him. She dumped the piglet she was carrying into his arms before hurrying after Tsunade, closing the door behind her.

Kakashi stood startled for a minute with an armful of pig, then sighed.

Tonton oinked a greeting at him and he gave it an absent-minded scratch under the pearl collar, then set it down on the ground where it started sniffing at his sandals curiously.

Ignoring the creature, Kakashi crossed his arms and watched the scene in the ward through the window anxiously. The Hokage stood at the foot of the bed, flipping through the medical charts as she went over the documents a critical eye. She was speaking as she read, head inclined towards her patient in inquiry, occasionally looking up with a smile of warm encouragement.

They could not be heard through the closed door, but Iruka did not appear distressed. He nodded at some of the Hokage's questions, shook his head at others and was quiet all through the physical examination as Shizune poked and prodded at him under Tsunade's directions. Slowly, the schoolteacher relaxed little by little, his hands unclasped and he sagged further back against the pillow as though releasing a long breath.

But his eyes were still filled with uncertainty and deeply troubled.

And when the healer finished with her assessment, clapping him on the shoulder with a broad smile, he bowed his head gratefully, his expression was a strange mixture of relief and apprehension.

Disconcerted, Kakashi moved to meet her as she came through the door. "How is he?" He asked carefully.

"Better than I expect." She bent to pick Tonton up when the piglet nudged imploringly at her ankles. "From what I can tell, he hasn't lost all feeling in his legs. There's a chance he'll be able to walk again with therapy."

"That's good." Kakashi said with feeling, turning to look into the room again, the lead weight on his chest lifted.

Iruka was clearly exhausted from the stress so soon after regaining consciousness. His face was grey with exhaustion as he raised a hand to rub weakly at his forehead. But with newfound hope and purpose, he seemed much calmer. He even managed a smile for Shizune as she handed him some water, blushing a little as she held the glass steady for him as he guided it to his mouth with his still badly shaking hands.

Tsunade pursed her lips as she stood beside him, watching them through the glass as well. "But it won't be easy." Her voice was grim. "It's not just his legs. His fine motor control is shot as well."

She nodded at the way his hands were clumsily trying to pick up the edge of the blanket. After a brief protest, he reluctantly submitted to Shizune to help him lie down and allowed her to tuck the blanket around him. His cheeks were pink with embarrassment despite his pallor, but Kakashi caught the glimmer of silent frustration in the brown eyes before Iruka shifted onto his side and turned away from them.

For such a strong, independent person, recovering from the disabilities would not be easy.

Tsunade voiced his thoughts. "It's going to be a long, painful process for him to learn to walk again…to learn to coordinate movements well enough to write, to perform jutsu, to throw a kunai…" She shook her head and turned to look at him. "He's going to need all the help and support from his friends he can get."

He cast her a sidelong glance, catching the intentions behind her words. He was amused at the roundabout way Tsunade was trying to encourage him, but grateful that the shrewd healer recognized that Iruka wasn't the only one going through a difficult time.

"I would do everything in my power to assist Iruka-sensei to recovery as Hokage-sama commands." He replied with mock formality, his tone light and flippant, but he meant every word of it.

"Brat." She sniffed, pretending to be annoyed but a corner of her lips lifted in a smile. "I'm taking you off active duty next week but only for a week." She sighed then added more quietly. "I'm sorry, Kakashi. The missions…I really can't spare you for longer."

"I understand." He said sincerely, touched by her simple gesture of kindness. "Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

Then he turned and bowed deeply to the woman who was his Hokage, who cared for him like an aunt he never had, who just saved the life of the precious person he held closest to his heart.

"Tsunade-sama?" Shizune called as she joined them in the corridor, softly closing the door behind her. "He's asleep."

Her smile faltered slightly. "He asked me not to tell Naruto." The medic bit her lip, her eyes downcast and sad. "He doesn't remember Naruto-kun had already left the village with Jiraiya-sama, and I couldn't…I couldn't bring myself to tell him…"

Tsunade sighed, hoisting Tonton higher up in her arms. "You did the right thing, Shizune." She narrowed her eyes thoughtfully at the darkened room. "His memory of the past year is pretty much lost permanently. He'll realize that soon enough, but not today. He'd enough shocks for today."

Kakashi made no comment but his gut clenched when he was reminded that he no longer meant anything to Iruka anymore. He started to make his way back into the ward, intending to resume watching over the chunin when Tsunade's commanding voice stopped him.

"Kakashi. Go home."

"Ah, I see. But…"

"No." She looked him up and down appraisingly. "You look like hell." She said bluntly. "Go home. Take a shower, eat something, and for goodness sake, get some sleep! You're no help to Iruka if you make yourself sick from exhaustion."

He must have looked stricken for her tone softened. "You can visit him tomorrow."

He nodded, unable to defy a direct order. With a last glance at the sleeping chunin, he left.

* * *

His feet landed on solid ground once more as the smoke from the teleportation jutsu cleared. For a moment, he stood looking around his own small apartment, blinking to adjust his sight at the gloom after the bright lights of the hospital.

The room was dim with the curtains tightly drawn, exactly as he had left it when he went away for his mission. Light from the setting sun slanted through a tiny crack between the curtains and dust sifted in the single ray of dying light. After three weeks of neglect, there was a thin layer of dust over everything.

The air was stale and musty, no one had been in his room since he left.

Iruka had said, with his brown nose wrinkling, that he wanted to come over to air it out for him.

It was as if that thought was the trigger. The suppressed pain, sadness and fear of the past few days surfaced in a rush.

His legs gave out and it was with some surprise he found himself sitting on the dusty floor. He felt cold, weak and vaguely ill. His throat tightened when he realized he was still wearing Iruka's shirt from that morning they left for the hospital together.

Drawing his legs up, he rested his forehead against his knees and closed his eyes wearily.

_Iruka…_


	8. Chapter 8

Many thanks to everyone who has reviewed. It's a rather long chapter this time, hopefully you guys would enjoy it. (smile)

**Chapter Eight**

He had meant to only nap for a couple of hours and be at the hospital before dawn but somehow, he must have been pushing himself near his limit. With the knowledge that Iruka was alive and a full recovery was possible, he was finally able to relax and slept soundly, waking to find the mid-morning sun shining full in his face.

He sat up slowly, muscles sluggish with sleep protesting the movement. Putting a hand to his face over the Sharingan, he sat staring deep in thought at the shuriken patterns on his blanket for a long moment.

Last night, he had dreamt of Iruka.

Of Iruka smiling and laughing, his face warm and alive with love and happiness.

Of Iruka crumpled on the ground, legs twisted like the gnarled roots of an ancient tree, hands grasping uselessly at a kunai he couldn't pick up while the dark shadow of the enemy crept slowly over him.

Of Iruka, his dark eyes wide with sorrow, reaching up to lay a hand against his cheek. His voice trembled with tears, thick with yearning and regret, as he told him over and over again. "I'm sorry Kakashi, I'm so sorry…"

Kakashi sighed and shook his head, chasing the last vestiges of the dreams out of his mind. Iruka had nothing to apologize for and _he_ certainly was not sorry for making the chunin go for the operation either.

If this pain of losing what they had was the price to pay for Iruka's life, then Kakashi would gladly pay it.

Besides, Kakashi thought as he shoved aside the blankets and climbed out of bed, now was not the time to be wondering about the decision. He had made Iruka a promise, promised him he'll be alright, that he'll do his best to go after him, woo him, bring them back to the way they were.

Iruka may not remember, but he did. And he was going to set things right.

With that thought, he started getting ready for the day, showering and dressing with a grim determination he usually reserved for missions.

He turned to pick up his jacket and paused. Iruka's journal was resting on top of his flak jacket where he had tossed it the night before, the red autumn leaves scattered artfully across the cream-coloured cover. Shrugging on his jacket, he eyed the notebook thoughtfully, picking it up and turning it over in his hands contemplatively.

This was the contingency plan Iruka had prepared. This was everything Iruka should know but didn't, all contained in one thin volume. The chunin had told him to show it to him should the surgery really take his memories away.

Kakashi frowned as he smoothed his thumb across the crease on the edge of the cover, feeling oddly uneasy. It was perfectly logical to give the journal to Iruka to show the chunin what they once had, and hopefully still have.

Yet he couldn't help but feel that this was somehow…_wrong_.

Iruka was his own man, he was free to love anyone he pleased. It felt wrong to be showing the man the journal, telling him because the schoolteacher used to love him he should continue to do so now, acting as though he had some sort of claim on the chunin's heart. When he thought about it, the well-intentioned plan was actually rather dishonorable, almost underhanded in a way that bordered on emotional blackmail.

If he was nobody to the chunin right now, he really didn't want Iruka to feel _obliged_ to pretend to care for him.

That thought alone was enough to make his stomach turn.

Kakashi took a deep breath and released it with a sigh. Carefully, he slipped the book into the breast pocket of his flak jacket and secured the clasp.

No, he wouldn't show it to Iruka, not just yet.

* * *

He stopped by the memorial on his way to the hospital. With so much happening in the past few days, he hadn't been to the stone to pay his daily respect. As he stood before the monument, he imagined his sensei telling him to be strong, his smile bright with encouragement. Rin's gaze would be soft with concern, filled with worry for him but she wouldn't say a word about it. And Obito, would roll his eyes, smack him on the head and tell him he was over-reacting and it's great that at least this person he cared for isn't dead so will he stop his stupid whining already? 

They made him smile.

He left for the hospital feeling much calmer, well rested from a good night's sleep and ready to face Iruka again.

The chunin had been moved from the intensive care wards to one of the regular ones. The room was bright and airy, with large windows and white curtains that billowed gently in the breeze. Flowers and cards stood on the dresser by the bed, and a banner that read 'Get Well Soon, Iruka-sensei!' in childishly lopsided characters was strung across the rails at the foot of the bed.

Apparently, visitors had been by to see the schoolteacher. Kakashi experienced a momentary pang of panic as he looked in from outside the ward. He had not thought to bring a gift. Perhaps he should go get flowers or something.

But the sight of Iruka drove all thoughts from his mind.

The chunin was sitting up in an easy chair by the open window, bathed in the warm spring sunshine. His dark brown hair was pulled up neatly, touched with golden highlights in the sun. He was still terribly pale but there was a trace of rose back in his cheeks. The bandage wrapped around his head had been reduced to a small square of gauze taped to one side of his forehead.

Unbidden, a smile spread across Kakashi's face at the sight. Relief mingled with joy struck his heart. He suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a fierce rush of affection for the man.

Iruka was hunched over the table before him, appearing to be practicing writing. Eyes focused with intense concentration, he raised a hand to wipe absently at the light sheen of sweat on his forehead, completely oblivious to Kakashi's presence just outside his door. His brows were furrowed into a deep frown as he carefully guided his hand shakily through each stroke. Stray marks littered the page as the pencil slipped from his clumsy grip time and again. Iruka gritted his teeth and held it more tightly, forcefully channeling chakra to help stabilize it.

But his chakra was unstable and his control over it still poor. As Kakashi watched, the pencil snapped under the force of Iruka's grip and the chunin cursed aloud with angry frustration, flinging the broken bits of wood down before burying his head in his crossed arms, drooping with exhaustion and defeat.

Kakashi winced in sympathy. Stepping quietly into the room, he bent to pick up the broken halves of the pencil. "These things take time, Iruka. Don't push yourself so hard."

Iruka's head shot up, startled. "Kakashi-sensei!"

He scrambled to collect the page before him and the stack of papers to the side which he must have been working on all morning, shoving them into his lap under the table, trying to hide the writings as though he was ashamed of them. A scowl was fighting to break free as his face heated with a blush, embarrassed and annoyed that someone had witnessed his moment of weakness.

Kakashi bit his lip, glad for the mask to hide his sadness at the kanji characters he glimpsed before Iruka had hidden them away. The messy scrawls looked no better than the work of a three year old, a far cry from the strong, graceful handwriting the chunin used to have. Wordlessly, he held the pencil out to him.

He reached out slowly to take it and Kakashi couldn't resist brushing his hand against the chunin's, letting his touch linger to reassure himself that this was real, that his beloved was alive and awake.

Iruka gave him an odd look. "Uh- thank you, Kakashi-sensei." He said guardedly. There was a smile on his face, but Kakashi's heart sank when he recognized it as the cool polite one the schoolteacher gave to people whom he did not particularly like, but felt the need to be courteous to anyway. "Did you want to see me about something?"

"Not really, I just wanted to check how you're doing."

The younger man bristled visibly, his tone turned defensive. "I'm doing very well, thank you for your concern. Tsunade-sama says it might take a while but I'm going to recover fully."

"That's really great news."

There was an awkward moment of silence. Iruka dropped his gaze and pretended to shuffle the papers in his lap but he kept looking warily out of the corners of his eyes at him, wondering at the intention of his visit. Kakashi gave him his best friendly smile although inwardly, he despaired. It had been a long time since he found it so difficult to talk to Iruka.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear you've lost some memories, the more recent ones." He slipped his hands into his pockets and slouched casually, hoping to lighten the mood.

"Yes. I was told those would never return." Leaning back in his chair, a brief shadow of grief crossed the chunin's face. "I didn't even know that Naruto had already left the village and would be away for a long time too."

They lapsed into silence once more. The air felt heavy, uncomfortable.

Finally, Iruka sighed and rubbed his head tiredly. "Why exactly are you here, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Ah, how should I say this…" He cleared his throat, wondering how to start. "You don't remember, but before this, before your surgery, we were quite close."

"Yes, about that. Thank you for staying with me after the operation." Iruka looked uncomfortable. "Kotetsu and Izumo dropped by earlier to visit, they told me we were good friends."

"I'm very sorry I don't remember any of it." He sounded apologetic but there was coldness in his voice. "This is very difficult for me…frankly, I can't imagine being friends with you."

There was an old accusatory loathing simmering in the dark eyes. It reminded Kakashi of the hatred the chunin used to have for him, in the days right after Sasuke's defection when so many of the genin had been badly wounded and Team 7 had been completely torn apart. To see that look in the brown eyes again was like a punch to his gut. It hadn't felt this bad to appear as a failure to Iruka's eyes then as it did now.

Carefully keeping the guilt and hurt from his voice, he swallowed hard and went on lightly. "Maa, Kotetsu and Izumo weren't exactly well informed about our relationship."

"Relationship." The chunin raised a brow at his choice of words.

"Yes, because you see, we were…" He paused, searching for the right words. Iruka sat waiting patiently, polite smile firmly in place.

"…we were in love."

There was a moment of pure silence.

He didn't know how he was expecting Iruka to react. Perhaps he thought the man would blush, embarrassed and stammering his disbelief. Or perhaps he would laugh loud and bright the way he always did when something amused him greatly.

He wasn't expecting Iruka's face to grow red with anger, his eyes flashing dangerously. "I'm not in the mood for your twisted games, Kakashi-sensei." He told him sternly. "I'm tired. If you have nothing else to say, please leave."

"But it's true." He took a step forward, spreading his hands plaintively, trying to explain. "I know it's hard to believe. But I really did care for you." His voice softened. "I still do, greatly."

Brown eyes narrowed furiously. "Funny how Kotetsu and Izumo didn't mention this." He growled scathingly.

"They didn't know that we were together, no one knows."

"How convenient."

"Iruka, please…"

"It's Iruka_-sensei_." The chunin exploded, his hands balling into fists. "We are not close, please do not be so familiar."

His words cut deeply but Kakashi looked at him unflinchingly.

"We were in love. That is the truth." He said simply, smiling at the agitated chunin. "If you do not remember, how can you be so sure we were not?"

It seemed the calmer he remained the angrier Iruka grew. A vein throbbed alarmingly against the side of the schoolteacher's head, his face was almost purple with rage. He spluttered indignantly for a moment, trying to but unable to produce a reply.

"You are truly a cruel, _cruel_ man, Kakashi-sensei." He said at last, voice quivering with fury. "I may have lost my memory but I have _not_ lost my mind."

He raised a trembling finger at him. "If you think that you can come here, makeuseof my condition to _tease_ me, play one of these _sick_ jokes of yours on me, I'm afraid you are badly mistaken."

"It's not a joke, Iruka." Kakashi sighed, trying to think of how else to convince the chunin when he noticed something.

Iruka wasn't breathing right. He was leaning weakly against the armrest of the chair, chest heaving as he breathed raggedly, as though he couldn't get enough air. He was still glaring at him but Kakashi could see by the glaze in his eyes he was in pain.

"Iruka?" He crouched down by his side, suddenly worried.

The chunin pushed at him angrily. "Get out." He shouted, or at least tried to shout, his words emerged as a pained gasp instead.

"Damn." He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut as he pressed a hand against the side of his head, curling up in his chair in unspeakable agony. His face had gone ashen and clammy with cold sweat.

Kakashi's heart was pounding. "Iruka!" He called urgently, touching his shoulder in concern.

"All right! What's going on here?" A loud authoritative voice rang out.

Kakashi rose to his feet and turned to see a burly, middle-aged woman with a full head of tight, red curls looking at them. It was the head nurse. He sighed thankfully. "Please, it's my friend, he's hurting…"

Iruka's eyes opened into slits, angry and defiant. "I'm not your friend." He managed through clenched teeth, panting weakly in pain. "Get out."

The sharp green eyes of the nurse flickered between them, then narrowed with understanding behind her horn-rimmed glasses. Her face darkened with displeasure.

"Shinobi-san." She ordered loudly, marching forward to put her considerable bulk protectively between Kakashi and her patient. "Please leave immediately, I think you've disturbed Iruka-san quite enough already."

"But…"

"Now!"

Meekly, he left. Standing in the corridor, he looked in anxiously as the woman knelt down beside Iruka, speaking in a low and soothing voice as she uncapped a hypodermic syringe and filled it with a clear blue solution. With gentle care, she pushed the needle into his arm and injected the drugs.

Iruka's eyes remained closed against the pain for a long moment but gradually as the medicine took effect, he uncurled a little, lowering his hand and unclenching his fists. His breathing slowed and deepened. Finally, he opened his eyes and smiled tiredly at the nurse in gratitude.

She smiled back, patting his hand in encouragement. By the time she was done taking his pulse and pressure, Iruka was almost asleep from the medication and fatigue. He blinked drowsily as she pushed his chair closer to the bed and looped his arm under her sturdy shoulders, lifting him easily into bed and drawing the blankets over him.

Iruka glanced briefly towards the door with half-lidded eyes but Kakashi couldn't tell if the chunin saw him through the haze of the drugs. Then, the schoolteacher closed his eyes and went to sleep.

The red-haired nurse closed the door quietly behind her as she left the ward. When she saw him still standing in the corridor, she rounded on him like an avenging angel.

"What were you doing!" She hissed. Long years of working at the hospital, dealing with patients who were ninja, must have made her completely unafraid of the fact that he knew more ways to kill her than there were days in the year.

She puffed up with righteous anger. "Iruka-san may put up a brave front and try to look like he is fine. But he is not." She jabbed a finger at his chest. "He is unwell and needs a lot of rest. Above all, he should _not _be upset. Are you trying to send him back into a coma?"

His throat seized up in fear. He had not thought telling him the truth would hurt the chunin. "No, ma'am." He replied, contrite.

She clucked her tongue disapprovingly and shook her head at him so fiercely, it sent her red curls bouncing with outrage. "I will not tolerate any disturbances to my patients." She scolded.

"You've just lost your visitation rights." She informed him primly. "If you so much as _appear_ outside Iruka-san's room, the orderlies will throw you out."

He blinked. "But I need to see him. I'm his…his friend!"

She was unimpressed. "Obviously, Iruka-san does not think so." She regarded him coolly. "And from your performance just now, I do not think you are either. If you are really his friend, you'll leave him alone. Iruka-san has a hard enough time getting well without you harassing him."

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she told him with firm finality. "As of this moment, you are banned from visiting Iruka-san."


	9. Chapter 9

Well. The last chapter was really depressing, wasn't it? But a big thank you to everyone who left me a review even though I wrote something that made you guys sad. (apologetic) I'm sorry, but that's the way the story goes. I really appreciate the reviews, knowing that people are enjoying the story despite the angst…I was starting to wonder what the heck I'm doing writing a fic which makes people unhappy. (sigh)

Anyway, another long chapter this time, hope everyone would enjoy it. (smile)

**Chapter Nine**

The night wind whistled through the trees, ruffling his hair and he shivered slightly at the chill. Perched in a tree outside the hospital, Kakashi gazed stoically into the darkness, watching the open window of Iruka's room grimly.

The ban to visit Iruka meant little to him; after all, he was not a ninja if he couldn't slip into the hospital unnoticed. But the possibility of making the chunin upset with his presence, hindering his recovery or even inducing a relapse frightened him so much that he did not dare approach the chunin again.

Yet he thought of Iruka often and needed to see him to reassure himself that his precious person was all right. In the end, he had resorted to watching the chunin from a distance. The past week was a long never-ending blur to him. He was only aware that he spent his every waking moment sitting in a convenient tree or rooftop that offered a direct line of sight into Iruka's hospital ward, carefully masking his presence from the other man as he kept his silent vigil outside his window.

To be near Iruka like this was at once both a treasured luxury and the most exquisite torture.

Unbeknownst to the chunin, Kakashi rejoiced with him the first time he managed to move his foot an inch and every little hard-earned success after that as he struggled through therapy in the afternoons. Unnoticed, he sat with him through the long hours of the night as Iruka worked diligently at his writing, sharing his pride at each kanji character that was neater than the last, smiling at his love's bull-headed determination.

But he forced himself to sit through the mornings too, when visitors dropped in to see the chunin. He watched as the academy teacher's young students clambered eagerly around their sensei, little round faces full of adoration and concern. Their high childish voices mingling with Iruka's cheerful tenor wafted easily out of the open window to him in the crisp spring air. He tortured himself with the sight of Iruka's friends, patting him on the back or slinging a companionable arm around him, talking and laughing easily with the chunin.

He envied them for being able to be so close to Iruka, to make the man happy instead of angry, to be there for him in a way he desperately wanted to but couldn't. And to see the bright welcoming smile Iruka had for every one of them, knowing it may never be directed at him again, was almost too much to bear.

With a sigh, Kakashi pushed the ridiculous bite of jealousy aside. He had enough to be troubled about, he thought moodily.

For Iruka wasn't healing well.

He assuaged his friends and students with cheerful smiles and bright laughs. And they all went away, happy that the chunin was doing fine, completely ignorant of the suffering Iruka was going through.

Kakashi did not blame them; the man never did like to share his pain with others. But on his self-imposed watch, he bore witness to all of the chunin's dark moments.

Iruka still tire far too easily, suffering bouts of dizzy spells that left him weak and ill. The punishing physical therapy as he re-learned how to walk was an overwhelming challenge that tested and vexed him daily. The chunin fell down so often during these sessions, terrible pain twisting his sweaty features each time as he lay panting on the ground, that Kakashi wondered where his courage to get up and try again came from. On most days, the therapy left him bruised, shaky with exhaustion and angry with himself for the slow progress.

It made his efforts at practicing his writing in the evenings even more difficult, though Iruka forced himself to sit through them resolutely, working at the table for hours until Kakashi feared the weary chunin might collapse.

The more difficult things were, the harder Iruka pushed himself. It was clear that the man was overexerting himself, driving himself to physical and emotional exhaustion as he met with little improvement day after day.

And even the strongest among them would break under all this strain.

Kakashi winced as he recalled the events earlier in the day.

Iruka had fallen badly during his therapy session and broke his right arm. Although the medics healed it, he could tell it still hurt and had to be immobilized in a sling, with firm instructions from the doctors to let it rest. His chest ached to see the despair on Iruka's face when he realized this would set him back in his writing practice by at least a week.

It seemed as though with this latest setback, Iruka lost all his fight. He hardly ate any dinner that night and spent the evening staring despondently at the pages covered with his shaky handwriting until the nurse came to turn the lights off and put him to bed.

Under the cover of darkness and curled up in the safety of his bed where he thought no one could see him, Iruka had cried. With a hand over his mouth to stifle his sobs, he had wept angry, bitter tears of frustration and such utter hopelessness that it seemed as though the tears would never stop.

Kakashi bit his lip, breathing out a pained sigh. He had never seen Iruka cry before and to see the brave-hearted man finally break down so completely felt like taking a kunai directly in the chest. He shifted slightly to ease the cramp in his back as he glanced up at the progress of the full moon across the sky to check the time.

It was almost midnight.

Almost midnight, and Iruka had finally cried himself to sleep.

Kakashi turned back to the darkened window with a heavy heart.

There was nothing he could do for the chunin. Besides, the week's grace Tsunade had granted him was over. He was scheduled to leave on a mission in the morning and he knew he should be going home to get ready for that.

But he found himself unable to leave. Perhaps it was the worry he felt at Iruka's injury and growing depression. Or perhaps it was the sight of Iruka crying. It may be even because he was edgy to leave on a mission without receiving the customary farewell from the chunin. Iruka never clung to him or pestered him for mission details whenever he went away. But he never failed to give him a tight hug, a quiet blessing to 'come back safe' and a staunch, warm smile that somehow made the days or weeks of separation much easier to endure.

Whatever it was, Kakashi found himself climbing silently through the window into his room instead of heading home as he should. Drawn inexorably like a moth to the flame, he approached the bed hesitantly and stood looking down at the sleeping chunin for a long moment.

Iruka looked pale and tired, his brows knitting slightly as though he was in pain even while asleep. The good-natured face was devoid of anguish, but still lined with terrible weariness and sorrow. Moonlight shone softly through the window and illuminated his haggard face. Tears glistened on his lashes and left silvery trails where they have smudged across his cheeks.

A lump rose in Kakashi's throat, his heart was breaking to see him like this.

Unable to help himself, he reached out and carefully touched his cheek with his fingertips, gently brushing away the tears with feather-light touches, wary of waking the man.

A hand shot out and closed about his wrist. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Shock gripped him and dread quickly followed. _Caught! _

With a sinking heart, he stared into the brown eyes that were wide awake, and very _very_ angry.

* * *

Iruka woke abruptly, alerted to the intruder the moment he breached the window. He had sensed someone lurking around outside his room for the past week but the spy had been too skilled, masking his presence and keeping a generous distance such that Iruka was unable locate him. Not that he tried particularly hard. Other concerns had taken up most of his attention and when he detected no ill intent, he ignored the person, choosing to focus his energies on recovery instead. It was difficult enough as it was. 

But now the watcher had made his move.

Keeping his breathing deep and even, he feigned sleep as he latched onto the man's chakra signature, now within range and strong enough for him to analyze.

It wasn't foreign; although not someone close such as his friends or colleagues, he was definitely a Konoha shinobi. He relaxed slightly but continued his probing. There was something curious about the feel of the chakra of this man that niggled like an itch at the back of his mind. Unfamiliar yet not entirely so, like the aura of an old friend who he hadn't seen since childhood, like someone he knew well a long time ago or perhaps in a dream.

As the person drew near, he rolled the presence over in his mind, tasting it carefully like a fine wine as he sifted through his memory for an identity.

Then he knew and instantly, his mood soured.

It was Kakashi. What did the man want now?

He was still a bit disgruntled from their quarrel but was ready to forget it, marking it up as one of the many eccentric things the jounin seemed to do. But it appeared that Kakashi was not going to leave him alone.

Trying not to sigh in exasperation, he lay still and hoped the jounin would leave when he saw that he was asleep. After the difficult day he had, Iruka felt too heartsick and weary, he really didn't have the energy to deal with any more of Kakashi's perverted jokes.

But when he felt the fingers ghost over his skin, shinobi instincts kicked in and he seized the offending wrist. His eyes snapped open, outraged. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" He growled.

Kakashi's eyes widened comically. He slipped his arm out of his grasp with a quick twist and held both of his hands up in a conciliatory gesture.

"No, wait! Don't get angry…" His tone was pleading, sounding almost alarmed even as he tried to keep his voice down. "Please don't get angry or your head's going to hurt again."

He cast a quick nervous glance at the closed door of the ward and went on in a hushed voice. "Listen to me, I really don't mean you any harm."

"I find that hard to believe when you've been spying on me and breaking into my room in the middle of the night." Iruka replied, trying to sit up. Pain flared in his broken arm and made his breath catch.

Kakashi must have seen him wince for he placed a firm hand against his shoulder and restrained him. "Easy now, I'll be gone in a minute." As Iruka relaxed back against the pillows, he smiled and patted the bound arm gently, protectively. "I just-"

Heels clicked in the corridor outside and the bulky silhouette of the head nurse loomed against the frosted glass panel set in the door.

They froze.

She paused as if contemplating to enter the ward to check on her patient but then must have decided against it. The clicking sound resumed and faded as she moved off on her way.

Both ninja let out the breath they've been holding. Iruka didn't know what Kakashi had to fear from the stern matron, but he recalled her fierce lecture when he tried to stay up late to practice his writing once and now he quivered to imagine her wrath should she find him entertaining a visitor-no matter that he was uninvited-when he should be sleeping. He caught Kakashi's eye and they shared a pained look.

Suddenly, the situation seemed uproariously funny. Here they were, two grown men and well-trained shinobi at that, cowering in fear from a nurse, hiding like a pair of naughty schoolboys who had skipped class.

Laughter bubbled up his throat and he heard an answering snigger from Kakashi. They chuckled quietly together, the tense mood considerably lifted by their shared amusement.

"What are you doing here, Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka smiled, still a little breathless from the laughter and adrenaline. Even though he still felt the jounin could have averted the disaster that tore Team 7 apart, could have done more to keep his team together, he tried his best to be civil. It was easier with this Kakashi too, this man who laughed with him instead of at him, who did not attempt to embarrass him or make him angry.

Kakashi blinked as if he was unsure of his purpose there as well. He scratched the back of his head, rumpling up his disheveled hair even more. "Er…I have a mission tomorrow.'

He stared at him, puzzled. "That's…nice." He replied carefully. When the man continued looking at him expectantly, obviously still waiting for more, he added. "Well, good luck."

Something flickered in the dark eye and Kakashi looked away. "Thank you."

Iruka frowned at the obvious disappointment in the masked face. Scratching lightly at the scar across his nose, he stared bewildered at Kakashi's profile, feeling rather unsettled he was unable to give the response the man was hoping for. But when the jounin turned back to him, his eye was crinkled up in a too-cheerful smile.

"Maa, I should be going…" He trailed off and his smile faltered as he studied him, lingering almost sadly on his face. Iruka swallowed uncomfortably, fighting the urge to fidget under such close scrutiny. He forced himself to face the intense gaze and was unnerved to find the dark eye soft with an unnamed emotion that set his heart pounding.

"I know this past week has been tough-"

"You were _spying_ on me!" Iruka tensed. He didn't know whether to be angry or mortified the man had seen every clumsy fall, every ugly character he'd written and…and he had seen him cry!

Definitely mortified, he thought as his cheeks burned with embarrassment.

"I was _worried_ about you." The jounin sighed, his hands clenching by his sides. "I know the recovery is very difficult for you, Iruka." Without taking his eye off him, he took a step forward. "It may not seem so to you, but you are _not_ a failure. You're doing your best and have been so very brave."

Iruka looked at him sharply, half-expecting to see pity or sarcasm in the copynin's face. Brave? Surely the famous ninja was patronizing him. His mind was still reeling with confusion at the idea that this person he hardly knew was concerned for him, made time to watch over him.

Yet his chest clenched to hear the kinds words. It was as though the jounin had looked straight into his heart, understood his darkest fears and insecurities, and knew exactly what he needed to hear to be comforted. Even if it were a joke, some twisted prank, he was grateful for this brief moment of reassurance he so desperately craved but was too proud to ask for.

"I-" He gaped, at a lost for words.

The gaze from the piercing black eye was intense but Kakashi was smiling as he leant a hip against the hospital bed. "Yes, you are brave and strong, Iruka." He murmured. "Never doubt that. Be patient, let the healing take as much time as it needs. You really have nothing to prove to yourself or to anyone else."

"You _will_ get well, I just know it." His low baritone was a soothing rumble in Iruka's bones, the utter conviction of the words made his breath catch in his throat. Kakashi leaned close, reaching out a hand to grip his shoulder in encouragement. "Don't lose hope, Iruka."

Iruka stared up at him, feeling dazed with astonishment. Kakashi was leaning over him, so close he thought he could catch the clean scent of his aftershave mixed with a touch of the night air outside that still clung to his skin. It made his head spin and strangely, he felt as though he must have known this smell all his life.

"Sensei." He whispered faintly without heat. "It's Iruka-sensei."

Kakashi closed his eyes and smiled ruefully. "Alright, sensei."

The jounin gazed at him for another moment as if in assessment to see if he was really all right. Seeming satisfied by what he saw, he straightened and gave him a jaunty two-fingered salute farewell. "Take care of yourself while I'm gone, Iruka."

Then, he grinned and reached out to smooth a stray strand of brown hair behind his ear. "I love you."

Before Iruka could react, he was gone.

"Wha-!" Iruka spluttered indignantly, half-rising to glare at the empty spot where the copynin had previously stood. He flopped back into bed, blowing his unbound hair out of his eyes with an angry huff.

Just what he had suspected, the man was here only to tease him again.

"Bastard." He muttered, curling onto his side and drawing the blanket over himself, mindful of his tender arm.

But he knew could not stay angry for long. He was too drained and sick at heart to feel much of anything. In fact, if he were honest with himself, he would admit that it was nice to have someone tell him he believed in him. Not coddle him like he was made of glass, or be on tenterhooks for fear of insulting him due to his disabilities or drive him insane with repeated "How are we feeling today, Iruka-san?" accompanied by endless sympathetic smiles.

None of that, just a simple unquestioning faith that made him feel privileged to be the subject of, an unshakable certainty that he would get better even when he himself struggled daily with doubts.

His cheek was still tingling with warmth from Kakashi's touch.

Before he knew it, he was fast asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for the reviews everyone! The last chapter gave us a break from the angst, a break which I for one needed; it's nice to see it was as enjoyable as the regular angst for everyone. And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your reviews,  
To Sophie: I'm glad you like my characterization of Iruka and Kakashi. Something about these two still don't feel quite right to me when I'm writing them but I'm working on it! (smile)  
To Amarin: Heh heh, always great to know someone is loving the angst. (grin)

Although this wasn't the song that inspired this story, but I just realized recently that the title of this fic is also the title of a song by Barbara Streisand. Here's the lyrics if anyone's interested:  
"Mem'ries, Light the corners of my mind  
Misty water-colored memories  
Of the way we were  
Scattered pictures,  
Of the smiles we left behind  
Smiles we gave to one another  
For the way we were  
Can it be that it was all so simple then?  
Or has time re-written every line?  
If we had the chance to do it all again  
Tell me, would we? Could we?  
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet  
What's too painful to remember  
We simply choose to forget  
So it's the laughter  
We will remember  
Whenever we remember...  
The way we were...  
the way we were..."

And now, back to the story.

**Chapter Ten**

Faster.

He raced through the trees, ducking to avoid branches and leaves, not bothering to slow down even when his footing slipped a bit on a bad step due to his haste.

Faster.

Wind whistled past his ears as he pushed off another branch, putting a little more force into the jump as he launched himself forward as fast as he could.

He frowned with annoyance as he sprinted towards the village. How a one-week assassination mission could turn into three was completely beyond him. He had intended to finish the assignment quickly and return home, worried that Iruka's condition would deteriorate whilst he was away. But his target must have been alerted to the bounty issued and had gone to ground. It had taken him close to two weeks to ferret him out, and another to lay a careful web to snare him that would allow no escape.

All that had taken too much time. Kakashi sighed, dropping down past the village gates. He paused for just a moment to allow the ninja on sentry duty to identify him. They waved him past and he acknowledged them with a nod. Then, he was off again, leaping up onto rooftops, heading straight for the Hokage Tower. He had informed the Hokage of the delay and they were expecting him to report the first thing he returned.

Until he did that, he could do nothing else.

He was about to run across the flat rooftops of a row of shops when a flash of brown in the streets below suddenly caught his eye. He skidded to a stop.

Many people wore their hair pulled back like that, but he could always pick that particular bunch of brown hair out of a crowd anywhere.

_Iruka._

His heart sang. Surprised and elated, he stood shock-still and simply stared.

The schoolteacher was walking-_walking!_-down the street.

His gait was still a little stiff and unnatural, but he was walking along unaided, plodding along with determination. There were two chunin with him, Kotetsu and Izumo he recalled their names after a moment, strolling along beside him. With a start, he realized Iruka must have been released from the hospital and on his way home. Kotetsu was carrying Iruka's bag and a cane swung from Izumo's hand. The two of them chattered and laughed with Iruka as they made their way slowly down the street, letting him walk on his own, but hovered close, prepared to catch him should he stumble.

Amazed and pleased at Iruka's wonderful progress in his absence, Kakashi found himself following them from the roof as they turned down another street. He watched as Iruka looked around with delight, taking it all in with joyfully shining eyes, grinning broadly at everything and nothing.

Kakashi smiled. Having been badly wounded often enough on missions, he understood the great feeling of being released after a long hospital stay, to be able to eat real food again, to smell something other than medicines and antiseptic, to simply stand under the warmth of the sun.

His smile grew as Iruka veered off the street to press up against the small pastry shop he knew the schoolteacher loved, jabbing excitedly at the display in the window. The academy teacher disappeared into the shop and emerged a moment later with a paper bag, which he promptly opened to take a deep breath of its contents. With an expression of pure bliss, he took out a sweet cake and devoured it on the spot, offering the rest to his amused friends.

Whatever irritation Kakashi felt from his unforeseen delay with his mission melted away at that sight.

Iruka wasn't a very attractive man. His face was unremarkable, somewhat scholarly when he was serious, cheeky when he was grinning with mischief, but the slightly rounded features lacked the edge to be ever considered handsome.

Yet, looking the way he did now, simply _glowing_ with happiness in the way only Iruka could, he was truly the most beautiful person in the world to Kakashi.

The trio took another corner, heading towards Iruka's home which lay in opposite direction to the Hokage's Tower and Kakashi ran a hand through his hair, undecided.

_Duty or Iruka._ He deliberated, glancing in both directions as the chunin moved further away.

As usual, duty won.

Heaving a frustrated sigh, he spun out a kunai and nicked the tip of his thumb. Pakkun appeared in a puff of smoke, wary frown changing to an annoyed one when he recognized they were safely back in Konoha.

"What now?" He groused.

"I need you to follow Iruka and make sure he's all right."

The pug glanced in the direction Kakashi was pointing and then smirked at him. "What did you do to make the sensei angry this time, brat?"

"It's a long story." Then he caught himself and narrowed his eyes at his summon indignantly. "What this time? I never make Iruka angry."

The nin-dog smiled enigmatically. "If you say so, Boss." He turned and squinted at the figures now already at the end of the street. "Hmmm…the sensei looks a little peaky."

"Yeah, anyone would after surgery and a month's stay at the hospital."

Pakkun stared at the jounin in surprise, all trace of teasing gone from his gravelly voice. "What happened?"

"Like I said, long story." Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck tiredly but he obliged. Crouching down, he quickly told the nin-dog all that had happened in the past month.

"I have to go report in now." He concluded. "And I know Iruka's friends would take care of him, but I really want you to go along and make sure he's all right."

The pug looked at him solemnly, his eyes thoughtful with understanding. His tail drooped unhappily.

"Kakashi." He said gravely, trotting forward to place a paw on his knee, peering up at his master searchingly. "Are _you_ all right?"

He smiled at his summon's perceptiveness. "I am, Pakkun." He rubbed a reassuring hand over the fury little head, stroking his dog from head to tail. "I'm fine. Now go."

Pakkun nodded and bounded off after his charge.

Kakashi rose to his feet and smiled wryly. He knew the little nin-dog was devoted to him but unlike the rest of his pack, he turned his nose up at acting like a real dog, absolutely detesting all the licking, tail-wagging, cuddling and other signs of affection for his human summoner. For the gruff, taciturn pug to be displaying concern like this must mean he saw how much the situation had affected his master, and was upset by it.

Shaking his head fondly after the nin-dog as it scrambled across the roof on his short legs, he started towards the Hokage Tower once more.

Tsunade listened quietly as he gave his report, full red lips pursed in concentration. When he was done, she sighed and straightened in her chair.

"I don't like this." She frowned, tapping a manicured fingernail against the polished wood of her table. "It seems we might have a leak."

"Or maybe the man was just very lucky." He shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets as he stood before her desk. "A rich daimyo must be well-connected. Targets have been tipped off by their informants before, it's not unheard of."

She nodded her agreement. "Well, in any case, I'll have Ibiki to run an inquiry." She waved him off, turning back to her documents. "Okay, dismissed."

He hesitated. "I saw Iruka-sensei on my way here. He's being discharged today?"

Looking up at him, she beamed. "Yes, Iruka has recovered very nicely. Still a bit weak and shaky, but he's managing. I'm giving him a week to rest at home, then a couple of classes to ease him back into teaching." She wagged a finger at him, looking smug. "Told you he was a fighter."

"I never doubted for a moment he wasn't." He replied smoothly with a smile. The tight fist that had closed around his heart that first night Iruka collapsed in his arms, shuddering from unimaginable pain, finally unclenched and he sighed with heartfelt relief.

He left, feeling more cheerful than he had in weeks but the smile froze on his face when he saw Pakkun waiting impatiently outside for him.

"Let's go." The pug said shortly then turned and started running towards the direction of Iruka's house.

Startled, he followed. "What's wrong? Is Iruka hurt?"

He gave him a sidelong glance as he ran then huffed exasperatedly. "No, but he is very angry."

"What did you do?"

"Me?" The nin-dog rolled his eyes, affronted. "Trust me kid, this is all about you." Then he added grouchily. "You'll know when you get there."

They arrived at the building and almost immediately, Kakashi could hear the schoolteacher's raised voice coming through the window.

"-nerve of that man! Breaking in like this and leaving all this…this…_stuff!_"

Kakashi peeked in, trying to see what the man was talking about and he winced when he saw the items on the low table in the living room, laid out like evidence from a crime scene.

A crumpled note filled with fond words, which he had scribbled and left on Iruka's refrigerator for the chunin to find before he left on one of his missions.

One Icha Icha Paradise volume that he genuinely believed he had lost and had thought nothing of buying another copy to replace it.

The black shirt he had worn the night before they went to the hospital; he had borrowed a fresh one from Iruka that morning before they left and had totally forgotten about it.

"Come on now, Iruka." Kotetsu was standing by Iruka's side. His voice was teasing as he patted Iruka's shoulder in mock understanding. "There's no need to be shy, my friend. I'm so happy for you. Ah…the sweet joys of young love…."

Iruka gave him an evil glare. "Not funny, Kotetsu."

"Besides," Izumo quipped cheerfully from where he sat on the couch, looking at the exchange with immense amusement. "You don't remember much of the past months. For all you know, this stuff could belong to you. Maybe you've taken an interest in new reading material, bought yourself a new shirt."

"And I wrote a love letter to myself and signed it with his name." He brandished the offending note with a sardonic snort.

He jabbed a finger at the book. "I swear I'll never read books like this." He snatched the shirt next and held it up, scowling angrily at the dark fabric. "And there's no way this shirt is mine. Heck! It bloody _smells_ like him!"

In the silence following the outburst, Kotetsu and Izumo shared a long, meaningful look. They turned as one and grinned at Iruka.

Kotetsu waggled an eyebrow slyly. "_Smells_ like him?"

Iruka turned an amazing shade of crimson, blushing to the tips of his ears. But he growled in frustration at them. "_Guys!_"

That only served to make them burst into peals of uncontrollable laughter.

Kakashi frowned. He swung himself easily in through the window. "Yo."

They whirled around at his voice, reaching for their weapons pouches. But when they recognized him, Izumo smiled and Kotetsu raised a lazy hand in greeting. Iruka's face, however, was as dark as a thundercloud.

"I hope you've come to explain this, Kakashi-sensei." He waved a hand expansively at the items on the table.

Kakashi sighed softly, staring up at the ceiling as he wondered what to say. "I admit these things are mine." He began slowly, beaming as brightly as he could at Iruka, hoping to diffuse the tension. "But I'm afraid you would not want to hear how they come to be in your house. So I'm just going to take them and leave-"

Iruka folded his arms across his chest; his brown eyes glittered. "Try me."

Kakashi gulped quietly although outwardly, he maintained his cool nonchalance. "Maa, let's see…"

Kotetsu and Izumo leaned forward, their eyes round with interest. Iruka's eyebrow gave an impatient tic.

"I forgot the book and shirt when I stayed over one night, and I always leave a note to tell you when I leave on missions after we got together."

Three pairs of eyes blinked at him.

"Got together. Became a couple. Fell in love." He scratched at the back of his head uneasily. "Uh…did I explain that clearly enough?"

"Crystal." Kotetsu grinned, even the spiky ends of his hair seemed to be quivering with impish delight. "Well Iruka-"

The punch came so unexpectedly Kakashi barely had time to dodge. Instinct was the only thing that saved him from taking the fist directly in the face as Iruka lashed out with a wicked left-hook. Even with his quick reflexes, the blow still glanced against his cheek.

He stared at Iruka, wide-eyed and stunned speechless. His cheek was aching but it was the thought that the schoolteacher had hit him that hurt like no injury ever did. A tight band constricted around his chest and he felt as though he could hardly breathe as he was forced to face reality.

Iruka _hated_ him.

With his long absence from Konoha and encouraged by their last, somewhat amicable encounter late at night at the hospital, he had let himself forgotten that. Deluded himself into thinking that with physical recovery, their relationship would magically be restored as well.

The chunin was glaring at him, his hand still clenched by his side. Iruka was essentially a sweet-natured man, tended to tolerance and politeness even with people he disliked but he fought back with an iron-strength with those who pushed him too far.

"I thought you had your little fun at the hospital and it was enough. How dare you, come _here_, to _my_ house…" His voice was soft but it shook with a terrifying anger. "Breaking in and planting these things, just for a ridiculous joke!"

Although well on his way to recovery, the strain of the argument must have overtaxed the chunin's strength for his knees buckled a little. He caught himself and he stood breathing heavily with rage and the sudden weakness.

"Iruka." Kotetsu was beside him in an instant, gently grasping his arm in support. His face was serious as he flashed a glance at Izumo.

The man nodded and approached Kakashi. "I'm sorry, Kakashi-san. I think you had better leave."

He nodded, too shocked and numb to register much of anything else other than the angry hurt in Iruka's eyes. He followed Izumo to the door. Once outside, the chunin turned to him with an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry it got so out of hand. Kotetsu and I just wanted to mess around with Iruka for a bit, you know, make him laugh after the hard time he had with his illness and all." He sighed, taking off his bandanna and running his hand through his hair before re-tying it. "Didn't know he'll get upset." He smiled in apology once more. "I'm sorry we ruined the joke you've planned to welcome him home."

"It wasn't a joke." Kakashi stated dully.

Izumo gave him a funny look. "Er…right." He twiddled his fingers together nervously for a minute while Kakashi sighed. He didn't know Izumo well and the conversation between them was becoming strained.

"Well, Iruka's usually a good sport." Izumo said brightly. "In fact, he teases us often enough so he knows how to appreciate a good prank. He's probably just tired from the walk home."

"He hates me."

Izumo blinked at him. "No he doesn't, he's your good friend." Then, he bit his lip and corrected himself. "Okay, fine, he _was_ your good friend. But you know Iruka and that guy doesn't know how to hold a grudge. He may be pissed as hell with you for a while, but he'll forgive you eventually." He smiled encouragingly. "Just wait and see."

"Hn." He made a non-committable noise in the back of his throat. It felt awkward to be talking to Izumo; despite all the chunin's kind intentions, it was no comfort discussing with someone who did not even begin to understand what Iruka and he used to have.

Right now, he just felt unbearably empty. He just wanted to go home.

"Goodbye, Izumo-san." He nodded at the younger man, finding enough strength to give him a small smile. Then, he started the teleportation jutsu and took himself home.

* * *

"You're back." Pakkun poked his head out from where he was dozing under his bed. "How did it go?" 

Kakashi shook his head and sighed, heading for the bathroom, pulling off his gloves as he went. "Thanks for your help, Pakkun. You can go now."

His nin-dog tracked his movements across the room with thoughtful eyes, obviously taking in the slumped shoulders and the listless drag of his feet. "Well, it's nice here sometimes." He said, trying to sound casual as he got up and trotted after him. "I think I'd like to stick around for a while if you don't mind."

"Yeah, sure." Slipping off his hitai-ate and removing his mask, he stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a long moment, staring at his own reflection. He thought he looked awful, his own eye dull with sorrow while Obito's eye spun mournfully. A bruise was already forming on his cheekbone where Iruka had hit him, purple blooming on his pale skin. He touched the spot, working his jaw carefully to test it.

Sadness welled up in him and the bridge of his nose ached unexpectedly with a sudden pressure. He sniffed quietly, swallowing hard.

"Well, I just thought maybe-" Pakkun leapt up onto the sink, claws clicking and slipping on the smooth porcelain, trying to get his attention. The hackles on his back bristled when he saw his master's face. "Did he do that?" He demanded sharply.

"It's no big deal. Drop it, Pakkun." He scrubbed a tired hand over his face and turned back to his room.

The diminutive pug was close on his heels, growling low in his throat. "How could he? I'll…I'll…I'll _bite_ him!"

He huffed out a soft laugh at that. "It's not his fault." Sitting down on his bed, he smiled a little at his summon's uncharacteristic display of protectiveness. "It's not his fault he doesn't remember."

Crouching on the ground, the nin-dog finally settled down, his expression turning sympathetic. "Kakashi." He said quietly.

"I'm really tired, Pakkun." He lay down on his bed and closed his eyes.

The mattress dipped from the sudden weight as Pakkun jumped onto the bed with him. The nin-dog wriggled under his arm and curled up on his chest.

"You don't have to stay." He buried his fingers in the thick scruff of the pug, scratching his neck fondly. "I'm really all right, Pakkun, just tired."

"Then shut up and go to sleep."

He smiled and hugged his dog against his chest. If he held him tighter than was comfortable, Pakkun did not comment. Kakashi too was silent as the hound butted his head gently against his chin, nuzzling his hand in a way he hadn't done since he was a puppy.

And they both pretended not to notice when he started licking his face, lapping at the tears rolling soundlessly down his cheeks.

* * *

Edit: Thanks Jelly the IV, for pointing out the mistakes so that I could fix the more glaring ones. (smile) 


	11. Chapter 11

Ah, the previous chapter was super angsty, even by the angst scale of this story…sorry about that. But thanks for the reviews, always glad to know the angst isn't driving people away. (smile) One thing though, I'm afraid Iruka is turning out to be a rather unlikable character…I'm trying to have a balance between the two characters, not cast one as a suffering angel and the other as the evil tormentor of the said angel. (thoughtful) Do leave a comment if you can, on whether you think 1) readers disliking Iruka is a sign of this imbalance or 2) is simply the way the plot works and is actually a good sign that readers can identify with poor Kakashi or 3) none of the above. Love to hear your views.

Okay, enjoy this chapter!

**Chapter Eleven**

It was, Iruka thought, turning out to be a rather good day.

He had been nervous about coming back to teach, having been away for so long and still not feeling as strong as he liked. Although he had started his own training regime in addition to the weekly therapy schedule at the hospital, his stamina really left much to be desired. He was quite annoyed to find himself breathless after climbing up just one flight of stairs.

Iruka glanced at the clock hung over the chalkboard, heaving a small mental sigh of relief. Class would be over in a few minutes and he would be done with the day.

It had gone well but he was starting to feel a little weak, tired from being on his feet so much as he conducted the lessons. He sighed ruefully at the cane propped up against the side of his desk. He had avoided using it so far but it seemed like he might have to after all if he wanted to get home.

And heaven forbid any child should attempt some mischief now, he thought wearily casting a glance at his students.

But the children had all been wonderful so far. Those little hellions were pure trouble most of the time, but Iruka had to admit, they could be quite sweet when they got it into their minds to try.

He was surprised to open the classroom door that morning and find them all in their seats, everyone punctual for once and as good as gold. They had risen in unison and stood at attention as they greeted him with a loud, enthusiastic chorus of "Good morning, Iruka-sensei." Then, little Moegi had sniffled, tears welling in her eyes as she broke into a loud wail and ran forward to hug him. That set the other kids off too and they threw themselves at him, equal parts exclaiming in concern and cheering with joy.

They were perfect little angels all through the class after that.

A fond smile touched his lips as he looked at them working obediently at their desks. He was their teacher for almost two years now and he wasn't so easily fooled. Tomorrow, they'll be back to their mischievous ways, but he was nevertheless touched by the effort they put in, trying to make things easier for him today.

Best part of all, he hadn't seen Kakashi all day. In fact, he hadn't seen the jounin all week.

He bit his lip, feeling a small pang of guilt every time he thought of the Copynin. The jounin was annoying in the way he harassed him with his ridiculous prank, thinking he had the right to use the lapse in his memory to spin some wild tale to embarrass and irritate him for the jounin's own amusement. In fact, ever since his callous remarks at the chunin exams nominations, Iruka had wanted to put his fist through that infuriatingly calm face just to teach the man a little humility.

But he really should not have lost his temper like that. It was merely a joke. True, it was distasteful; nevertheless, it was harmless. To hit him like that was totally uncalled for. Iruka bit his lip. He knew he was hot tempered even as a kid, something he was rather ashamed of. He had worked very hard to learn how to keep his anger in check. Yet, after lashing out at Kakashi that day, it would appear he had hardly improved at all.

Iruka sighed, scratching his nose absently. As much as he loathed it, he was going to find a chance to apologize to the jounin.

The bell rang and chairs were scrapped back as the students got up, excited to be done with their studies and rush off to play.

"Alright, good work everyone." Iruka called over the noise of their happy chatter, pointing to the chalkboard. "But don't forget homework! Finish the questions on the last page of this chapter and these problems as well." At the groans and grumbles, he frowned sternly at them. "Come on, you'll be having your graduating exams this year. All of you must work hard if you want to do well."

"We will, Iruka-sensei!" Came the well-practiced chorus.

Iruka smiled and shook his head. He gathered his books and notes, feeling cheerful at the successful conclusion of his first day back at work. "Okay, class dismissed."

Without warning, smoke billowed and spun beside his table as someone teleported into the classroom. The children stopped talking and stared.

The smoke dissipated. His stomach gave a nauseating flip as he caught sight of the messy silver hair, the eye crinkled with a merry smile-

-and the bunch of blood red roses clutched in the half-gloved hand.

Suddenly, his day decided it would much rather be awful after all.

* * *

Kakashi sat on the roof of the administration block, feet dangling over the edge as he watched Iruka conduct his class in the opposite building. 

In the past week, he had done a lot of thinking.

He realized he was going about the situation in the wrong way. All along, he had been trying to convince Iruka they used to be in love, pressing this fact most tactlessly on the chunin at the worst possible of times, when the poor man was already tired or frustrated and unlikely to be receptive to such a seemingly absurd idea. Besides, knowing Iruka's stubborn nature, simply persuading him with words was never going to work.

What he should be doing was to show the schoolteacher how very much he meant to him, make the chunin understand how he yearned to recapture that beautiful, precious bond they once had.

Woo him, so to speak, with everything he's got. As he had promised Iruka he would do.

The problem was, he had never courted anyone before.

The last time, Iruka and he had been lucky. They had found each other, grew close enough to reach an unspoken understanding that they cared deeply for each other with minimal fuss.

This time, he thought grimly, he was going to have to put in some effort.

For a long time, he turned the problem over in his head, contemplating it as a whole, dissecting it into parts, putting it back together, then taking it apart again. Eventually, he came to a rather startling but satisfying conclusion.

Courtship was actually somewhat like a mission.

He had absolutely no experience at courtship. But a mission, now _that's_ something he could handle.

Recon. Plan. Execute. It was as simple as that.

First, he needed information. Although he loved the plot of the Icha Icha series dearly, he had always been a bit skeptical of the dramatic flair with which the hero sought the affections of his ladylove. So he read three other different romance novels and consulted guidebooks on this subject. He made notes. He reviewed his notes. And felt rather pleased when he finally distilled the process down into three essential components: flowers, gifts and a genuine affection for the target.

He smiled, he already had the last item too.

Next, he planned. Strategy had always been Iruka's strong suit but he wasn't half bad himself. He needed to catch Iruka when he was in a good mood, declare his intentions and leave before the schoolteacher could become angry. In fact, the classroom would be the perfect place for an ambush. With all his students watching, the chunin might be less inclined to curse or attack him, and might actually give him a chance to finish what he wanted to say.

Kakashi watched Iruka scratch another row of characters in chalk across the board already covered with his writings and a few diagrams. The characters were slightly shaky but they were such a vast improvement from the untidy scribbles a month ago, he felt immensely proud of the chunin.

A wave of sadness came over him suddenly. Was this how it was going to be from now on? With him in the shadows, unnoticed, quietly sharing the joys and the sorrows of the chunin? Always watching, always waiting, never to be acknowledged or loved in return?

His breath caught in his throat and he swallowed hard, pushing the depressing thoughts firmly out of his mind. Self-pity never got anyone anywhere.

Kakashi clutched the box of chocolates in his hand a little tighter with determination. It was from the shop specializing in fancy imported desserts, selling them at ridiculously high prices. He knew Iruka had wanted to try some but never bought any because he was too sensible to spend that much money carelessly on trivial luxuries.

The bell rang and Iruka was smiling as the students scrambled to their feet, eager to get out of class. That was his cue. Picking up the bouquet of red roses lying across his lap, he stood.

Operation: Woo Iruka was in execution phase. With a quick jutsu, he arrived in the classroom in a swirl of smoke.

"Yo!" He beamed at the stunned schoolteacher. A surreptitious look around showed the students watching him in surprise, awed expressions on every one of their little faces.

Excellent.

Iruka recovered quickly. "Kakashi-sensei. What brings you here?" He greeted him politely, managing to hide his dismay even as his eyes darted in horror to the flowers.

Kakashi's confidence faltered. Maybe despite all the research he had done, he still got it wrong. He thrust the roses and chocolates towards the chunin before he could change his mind entirely. "For you."

This time, Iruka's eyes shot to the children who were all watching their teacher and the strange jounin curiously.

"Er…that's very kind of you." Pink rose to his cheeks, whether in embarrassment or anger, Kakashi wasn't sure. Iruka cleared his throat, announcing in a loud, firm voice. "Thank you for your well wishes for my first day back at teaching." He took the proffered items with a strained smile.

There was a clear warning glint in his brown eyes.

Kakashi laughed uncomfortably. "Ah, that's not exactly-"

"Are you Iruka-sensei's boyfriend?" A boy with a dark green scarf wrapped around his neck nudged him with an elbow and whispered loudly. "Just like in the movies. Red roses are only for-" He waggled his eyebrows and pursed his lips together, making smooching noises in a rather odd parody of a kiss.

"Konohamaru!" Iruka was beet-red. He glared at Kakashi as if he was somehow responsible.

Kakashi sighed as he surveyed the chaos that had erupted around them. Children were cheering and clapping Konohamaru on his back for his boldness, hooting with raucous laughter. Other children descended on Iruka like a swarm of flies. "Is it true, Iruka-sensei? Is it true? Is it true?" They shouted as they tugged at his arms to get his attention, jumping up and down excitedly.

The only quiet one was the little Hyuga girl who sat primly at the back of the class. But she stared so intently at him with her milk-white eyes, her young face set to a disturbingly adult expression of faint disapproval, that Kakashi had the distinct impression she was appraising him to see if he was worthy enough to court her sensei.

Things were fast getting out of hand. He glanced at Iruka who was busy fielding questions, shouting for the students to quiet down as he tried to restore order. The chunin had gone pale, leaning wearily against the table, looking a little faint. Kakashi frowned in concern. The children's presence was supposed to help but it was only making things worse.

"Quiet!" He shouted.

The kids fell silent and stared. A little girl sniffled, frightened eyes tearing up.

"Stop that." He snapped irritably. How Iruka could stand this day after day, teaching these little monsters and _enjoy_ it was beyond him.

He swept his gaze around the room sternly. "Now, I believe Iruka-sensei already said class is dismissed." He said, his voice low and dangerous.

They didn't need to be told twice.

* * *

As the children fled and the classroom was finally empty, Iruka realized he was still clutching the stupid bunch of roses in his hand, the stems were getting grimy from his sweaty grip. Throwing it down onto the table, he sank into his chair and closed his eyes, suddenly feeling too weak to stand. 

He could sense Kakashi rooted to where he stood a few feet away, tense and uncomfortable. The jounin shifted his feet uncertainly. "Iruka."

Without opening his eyes, Iruka sighed. "I cannot tell you how sorry I am for hitting you that day, Kakashi-sensei." He said quietly. "But if you're going to tell me we were in love one more time, I'm afraid I might just have to punch you again."

Kakashi laughed, a low warm chuckle, and walked over to where he sat. He opened his eyes when he felt the jounin crouched down beside him, sitting on his heels as he rested one hand on the back of his chair and the other on the edge of desk for balance.

"No, Iruka." He assured him. "I have not come to tell you that, although it is really the truth." When Iruka started to protest, he held a hand up in silent appeal.

"But I'm not going to try to convince you because I know everything we had is meaningless to you right now." The dark eye closed briefly as though in pain, then opened to look up at him with a determined smile.

"I just want you to know I'm being serious, that I care deeply for you and I'm going to prove it to you somehow." His fingers gave a tiny twitch, as if he was going to reach for Iruka's hand but thought better of it. He looked at him beseechingly, trying to make him understand, and Iruka was taken aback by the depth of emotion he saw in his eye.

"Even if it's just a joke to you, I hope that you'll at least give me a chance to prove that it's not." Kakashi said softly, almost pleadingly. "Please?"

His uncovered eye was dark and wistful as it flittered over his face, searching for an answer, gazing at him with such sad longing Iruka felt his heart clenched.

Iruka looked away. He knew he was blushing under that intense gaze, a little shaken to be the subject of such open devotion, and completely baffled that it was coming from a person he barely knew.

Kakashi-sensei is quite an actor if this is a joke, he thought absently. And it really was too ridiculous, too impossible to be anything but a joke.

There was no harm if he were to play along, was there?

But if he were honest with himself, he would admit that he did not like that look on Kakashi's face, obvious even under his mask. That profound sadness in the lone grey eye and the bright smile that was brittle around the edges, fragile as though the jounin was suffering some terrible hurt. It made his insides twist into knots to see Kakashi this unhappy.

"Alright." He blurted without thinking.

Realizing what he had done an instant later, Iruka groaned inwardly and braced himself for the upcoming triumphant sneer or mocking laughter as the jounin teased him for falling for one of his tricks. He wasn't expecting Kakashi to grasp his hands, breaking out into a wide grin as though it was the best thing to ever happen to him in his life.

The situation was so strange, it made his head hurt to think about it.

"But on one condition." Iruka frowned in reproach before the jounin could say a word. He had to bite back a laugh as Kakashi froze and looked at him anxiously. Still, he couldn't resist a smile as he jerked a thumb at the flowers on his desk.

"No more damn roses."


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks for the reviews and all your comments about the balance between the two characters. I'm happy to read them and really relieved to know that Iruka is not coming across as too horrible. The situation is still evolving and becoming more complex. It's getting a bit tricky to write (anxious sigh) and the characters will also develop as the story progresses so do keep me updated about your views. (smile)

For now, hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

**Chapter Twelve**

Balancing the stack of graded homework on one arm and clutching the large cardboard charts with his other hand, Iruka nudged the door of the staff room open with his foot and tried to wrestle his way inside. The students were still not getting the differences between the aerodynamics of a kunai and a shuriken. He was going to have to explain that part during remedial later, again.

And no one would be allowed to leave until they get it right, he thought savagely as he tugged forcefully at the charts. He was really sick of bringing these heavy, bulky weapons flight path diagrams out from the teaching aid storage room.

Panting with the effort, he finally got everything into the room and closed the door. He maneuvered the charts to lean against the wall in a corner so he would be able to get them easily in the afternoon for the remedial. But before that, he had to get through teaching a new topic in the regular morning classes and supervising the weapons practice session first. And there's mission room duty after remedial too, he thought wearily.

With the busy schedule in store for the day, he had arrived especially early to get ready. He hadn't expected anyone to be in school so early in the morning so he was surprised to turn around and see that Kotetsu was already at his desk. His friend was slumped forward in his seat with his head on the table, peering at him blearily, probably awoken by the noise Iruka made trying to get in.

Iruka smiled at him. "You're early today."

"Yeah, I was up till six searching for the files the Hokage wants by this morning." He yawned widely, scrubbing a hand back through the disheveled spikes of his dark hair. "Since I have to substitute for Tori-sensei's morning classes, I figured I might as well come straight here."

He scratched at the bandages across his nose then shot Iruka a sly smile. "But I'm not the earliest. Lover-boy's already been here." He inclined his head at the box on Iruka's desk.

"Don't call him that." Iruka said absently as he pushed the package aside to make space for the stack of homework, rifling through the mess on his table for his lesson plan once he had set his load down.

"My mistake." Kotetsu grinned. "_Your_ lover-boy."

"Idiot." Iruka grinned back and tossed the box over to him. "Open that for me, will you?" He called as he started looking for his textbook next, busy with getting ready for class.

It was amazing how he could speak so easily about his involvement with Kakashi now.

The first week, he had been mortified. Gossip traveled fast among the academy staff and after the embarrassing stunt Kakashi pulled that day in his class, it quickly became public knowledge. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if even the Hokage had heard of it. Iruka remembered he had blushed so much that week he despaired that he would never stop. On top of that, classes were almost impossible with the children pestering him with awkward questions, breaking out in catcalls that disrupted the lessons each time they did. Which was precisely why they did it, he thought darkly. He knew the little devils were always on the lookout for their sensei's weakness and once found, would exploit it mercilessly. It had truly been a struggle to re-exert his authority in class.

The second week, he had been exasperated. Gifts addressed to him kept appearing daily in the staff room until he hardly knew where to put them. In the end, he had to take Kakashi aside and tell him in all seriousness that he really did not need another box of chocolates, or anything else for that matter. And also, when he said 'no more damn roses', he did not mean the jounin should try a hundred other species of flowers in an attempt to find the right one. Yes, they brightened the staff room and his colleagues were simply delighted to be able to take some home with them after work but they really couldn't work with all the vegetation in the way.

But now, well into the third week after he had reluctantly agreed to Kakashi's ludicrous proposition, he had grown impervious to all attempts to tease him and the jounin had tempered his gift-giving a nice sporadic frequency. Their little game was actually starting to be quite enjoyable. It helped that the novelty of the situation had worn off considerably and most people had lost interest in teasing him about it.

All except his closest friends of course.

"Ooh! It's a bento lunch!" Kotetsu gasped in mock fascination. "And there's a note!"

"That's nice." Iruka grabbed his mug went to the sink to rinse it out. He had twenty minutes, just enough time to chug down some coffee and get to the classroom to straighten it out before the kids arrived. "What does it say?" He asked as dumped the instant coffee mix into his mug and poured hot water over it.

"Ahem. It says," The chunin heaved a dramatic sigh and adopted a sugary tone. "My darling Iruka, your hair is like a river of dark chocolate, oh so velvety smooth and lustrous. Your voice is like an angel's harp, any sound you speak is a heavenly chord. And your face contains a beauty no mortal words can describe. But oh! A mission seeks to tear me away from the divine presence that is your loveliness and I shall-"

Iruka snorted into his coffee. "Give me that." He grinned, snatching the note from Kotetsu's hand as his friend collapsed into a fit of laughter.

_Iruka,  
Mission today. Hope to be back by evening. Dinner tonight? Take care.  
Thinking of you,  
Kakashi._

Iruka smiled, folding the plain white card over and tucked the note into the breast pocket of his vest.

Kakashi was indeed a strange person but the jounin wasn't mean and overbearing as Iruka had thought he would be. So far, he had been good company and Iruka found with some surprise, he rather enjoyed their little arrangement. Whatever reasons Kakashi had for insisting to play this game with him, the jounin seemed happy and Iruka had to admit it was rather fun now that the embarrassment had faded.

"Look at this Iruka!" Kotetsu had taken off the cover of the lacquered bento box and studying the contents excitedly. He gave a low whistle of appreciation. "Mmm…it's the broiled eel from that corner restaurant down the street. They make the best eel! Can I have a slice, just one teensy slice, please?" He begged.

"Go ahead. In fact, take everything." Iruka gulped down the rest of his coffee and washed up the mug. "I'll be too busy to sit down for lunch."

Shaking his head, Kotetsu sighed and turned serious. "Don't you think that's why he got this bento for you today?"

He frowned in concern. "You've been very ill, Iruka. I know it's been two months and you're recovered, almost handling the full teacher's workload again, but you've got to take care of yourself."

"I know. And I _am_ taking care of myself. I promise I'll have something quick to eat later." Iruka smiled reassuringly, gathering the books and papers up into his arms.

He paused to look at the bento on the table, his smile turning a little sad. "Kakashi-sensei is really very thoughtful. I can imagine we must have been very good friends." He sighed and looked away. "It's just too bad I don't remember any of it."

Then, he shook himself out of his reverie. "There's more hot water if you need coffee." He called as he headed out of the door.

* * *

Edit: Thanks Misaotheokashira for pointing out the mistake and showing me how to fix it. (smile) 


	13. Chapter 13

Many thanks to everyone who left me a review for the last chapter. Although it's not a filler chapter, I thought the chapter might get too long and hard to read if I ended it where I originally intended. So if the ending is a bit awkward for the last chapter, that's because the rest of it is in this one. (embarrassed grin) Still, glad to see everyone enjoying the chapter as our favorite ninja work out the fine art of courtship. Things aren't going to be easy; both have certain expectations about their friendship/relationship, which unfortunately do not coincide, and both also have their fears and insecurities. (sigh) But that's life, right? (smile)

On with the story…

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Thank you for your hard work, Kakashi-sensei." Iruka took the mission report from him and glanced at it. Putting it in the right folder to be stamped by the Hokage later, he looked up and smiled. "Everything went well?"

Kakashi nodded. It was a standard B-class scroll delivery and he was glad that it turned out exactly as the mission details described, easy and quickly done. He was getting tired missing-nin and unexpected delays popping up without warning to complicate his missions. "Ready for dinner?"

The chunin glanced at the clock. "Sure. My shift will be over in a couple of minutes. Let me bring the reports over to Hokage-sama and I'll meet you by the front gate?"

"All right." Kakashi pulled his book out of his pocket and read as he strolled away. He leaned against the fence and kept his eyes on the book while he waited but his mind was miles away.

It had been three weeks since he started courting Iruka and he couldn't tell if he was making any progress.

While Iruka certainly seemed to act as though they were friends now, he treated him no more special than an acquaintance in his life. It was a vast improvement from the polite impersonal gaze of a stranger, but the chunin smiled at him the same way he smiled at his students, spoke to him in the amiable tone he used with his colleagues and looked at him no differently than any of his other friends.

Kakashi knew it would take time, knew he had to be patient, but he hadn't expected it would be so hard. He knew he should thank providence that Iruka was alive, fully recovered and even deigned to look his way with a smile. Indeed, he was beyond grateful for these small miracles in his life, but he couldn't help but want more. Discontent simmered in his heart, making him ache so desperately to be _someone_ to Iruka that he sometimes felt angry with himself for being such a greedy bastard.

He had been trying to take Iruka to places they had been before, doing things they used to do together, in hopes that these familiar settings and tasks would spark the feelings the schoolteacher once had for him. But nothing seemed to work.

He tried to tell himself it was because he couldn't exactly re-create the scenario that held so many wonderful memories, couldn't replicate the precise atmosphere that made it special for them, and that was why they failed to inspire the emotions he intended in the chunin.

But as he lay in bed on sleepless nights, a more sinister reason occurred to him as well.

That this Iruka was no longer the Iruka he knew.

People were shaped by their experiences. With the loss of his memories, could it be that Iruka was irrevocably changed? His mind somehow altered so he could never learn to care for Kakashi the way he did ever again?

Perhaps the Iruka he loved so dearly had already died during the surgery.

Kakashi closed his eyes, his heart sank as he fought back a shudder at the disturbing thought. Yet he could not fight the awful feeling that Iruka was different now.

He was never nervous around the chunin before but now he didn't quite know what to say to him. The first time they sat down to a meal together after he had persuaded the schoolteacher to give him a chance, he had pulled down his mask without realizing _this _Iruka had never seen his face. The chunin had blushed and quickly averted his eyes, apologizing profusely. Even after assurances that it was all right, Iruka still refused to look at him without his mask on.

The chunin did it out of respect for him, a consideration for his need for privacy. But it pained him, made him self-conscious and uncomfortable to show his face to the one person he didn't before.

Things had changed. Iruka had changed. And Kakashi was starting to wonder if it was even worth trying anymore.

Unbidden, Iruka's response the night before the surgery, when Kakashi had told him he would woo him back, came to his mind.

"_But it won't be the same."_

Swallowing hard, the jounin breathed out a soft sigh. Perhaps it really was never the same the second time round.

"Kakashi-sensei, shall we go now?"

He opened his eyes and found Iruka beside him, gazing into his eye with his head tilted a little inquiringly to the side. The chunin looked the way he always did, the open welcome in his warm smile reflecting in his dark brown eyes.

His heart swelled with a rush of emotions. Suddenly, Kakashi knew he would never give up trying as long as Iruka would let him.

"Kakashi-sensei? Are you alright? You weren't hurt on your mission, were you?"

"Ah no." He smiled sheepishly when he realized he had been staring at Iruka without answering his earlier question.

"Are you sure?" Iruka was frowning. "We can always have dinner together some other time if you're tired."

"I'm fine, not tired at all." He replied easily, catching Iruka's wrist and pulled him along as he started down the street. Buoyed by the wave of good spirits, he was suddenly eager to carry through with the plans he had for the evening. "In fact, I want to eat at this place on the edge of town. It's a bit of a walk but it might be faster if we cut through the park."

One of their fondest memory was that glorious autumn afternoon when they had strolled through the park together.

Iruka flinched at the touch and extracted his hand out of his grasp as tactfully as he could. But he fell in step beside him and smiled. "Sounds great to me."

They turned into the park entrance and followed the cobbled walkway that meandered past the lake. Spring was coming to an end and summer had arrived. The trees lining the sides of the path were bursting with leaves. Sunlight flitted lazily between the trees, casting lengthening shadows on the grassy ground as the sun sank slowly towards the horizon. The green smell of the foliage was rich in the warm, muggy evening air.

Kakashi fretted inwardly at the discrepancy. In his memory, it was the height of autumn on that special day. The air had been cool and crisp, the trees ablaze with colour as leaves floated down around them, fluttering in the breeze to cover the world with a splendid blanket of red, orange and gold.

"Thank you for the bento." Iruka said, breaking him from his worries. "It was very thoughtful and kind of you."

"It's nothing." He shrugged carelessly. "I used to get you a packed lunch on busy schooldays when we were together."

The words were barely out of his mouth before he regretted them. He had promised not to bring up their shared past or allude to the fact that they were once in love. It always made Iruka guarded, wary that he was trying to play some perverted trick on him. Kakashi groaned inwardly as he shot the chunin a sideway look, dismayed when the good-natured smile melted away as Iruka's face darkened with displeasure.

But if he tried to avoid talking about their past relationship, Iruka seemed to be equally determined not to react to them, resolutely keeping his temper in check. The chunin struggled visibly with the angry retort that he must be dying to say. He took a deep breath and did not say anything for several heartbeats.

Finally, he turned to him with a firm, bright smile that was just a little strained. "Still, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, Kakashi-sensei."

They chatted awkwardly about his academy students and inane things like the weather after that. But as the path curved round a small grove of trees and they came upon the lake, the conversation grew relaxed once more and Iruka was smiling easily again.

Chuckling at something he had said, the chunin turned and looked out across the water. With hardly a wave on its deep green surface, the lake looked like a large piece of smooth glass that mirrored the sky and the trees around it. It was different from how it was in autumn of course, but it was still beautiful, emanating a sense of tranquility that brought the same serene smile to Iruka's lips.

Something that felt like hope flickered in Kakashi's chest.

He glanced ahead down the path. The wizened old man selling ice-cream from a pushcart was still exactly where Kakashi remembered him to be, beside the drinking fountain set to one side of the path, ribbons of every colour hanging from the handlebars of his small trolley.

His pulse quickened with anticipation but he was careful to maintain his expression to one of nonchalance.

"Hn. An ice-cream cart. Want some?" He remarked casually although he watched Iruka covertly, searching for a hint of the reaction he had gotten the last time they saw the colorfully decorated cart.

The last time Iruka's face had lit up like a child being offered a rare treat. They had deliberated over the flavours together, joking and laughing as they left with a scoop of the dessert each, drunk with joy from simply being able to spend an afternoon in each other's presence. Sheltered behind a tree and some bushes, Kakashi had been at ease to pull down his mask to eat the ice-cream leisurely, sharing a lingering kiss with Iruka afterwards. Tart lemon touched with a hint of sweet melon was instantly his new favourite flavour.

"No thanks."

"Oh." Kakashi couldn't help but feel crushed. "I see."

He thought he hid it pretty well but some of the disappointment must have shown in his voice because Iruka stopped walking and turned to look at him, blinking in puzzlement. The scar across his nose pulled as he frowned in consternation.

"Er…I don't feel like having ice-cream right now." He said carefully, glancing at the cart then stared at him uncomprehendingly. "But do go ahead and have some if you want. I can wait."

"No, that's all right." When Iruka continued to look at him, his brown eyes confused and vaguely distressed, he forced a smile at the chunin. "We should get going anyway. This close to dinner time, the restaurant may get too packed to find a seat."

The schoolteacher studied him uneasily for another moment, obviously sensing that something was amiss but didn't know what. In the end, he nodded and gave him a tentative smile. "Sure. Let's go, I'm starving."

They started down the path once more. Kakashi didn't even glance at the ice-cream cart as they walked past it. He studiously avoided looking at the broad maple tree and the cluster of bushes as well. But despite his best efforts, he couldn't block out the thoughts echoing in his mind, this time the words sounded bitter and mocking.

_It's never the same the second time round…_

* * *

Iruka heaved a contented sigh. Kakashi had been right; the restaurant was excellent. The food was delicious and the bustling crowd kept the atmosphere light and lively. Warm and full from a good meal, he felt wonderful, pleased at the nice conclusion to his long busy day. 

But something was clearly bothering Kakashi. The jounin was hard to read at the best of times, but he was listless and much quieter than usual over dinner, it wasn't difficult to tell that the man was upset.

Worried, Iruka snuck a glance at his companion as they made their way home through the park. Under the white fluorescent glow of the streetlamps that lit up the park at night, the jounin looked drawn and solemn. The dark eye was dull, shadowed beneath the fall of his silver hair as he plodded along in silence, seeming to be lost in thought.

Iruka frowned, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was somehow at fault.

The earlier scene when Kakashi had suggested they have ice-cream played through his mind. He had no idea what Kakashi was expecting of him, but the small flash of hurt and disappointment in his eye before the jounin hid it all away behind a wall of indifference and cheerful smiles told him, he had made an inappropriate response.

It felt like another one of Kakashi's secret little tests. The jounin probably thought he couldn't tell, but Iruka always knew he was testing him when Kakashi took him to certain places he claimed they used to visit in the past or mentioned certain things they spoke of together before. Every single time, the jounin had waited for his reaction with such hopeful expectation that Iruka felt sick in his stomach. Because each time, he hated to see the masked face fall and the hopeful light in the uncovered eye dim when he failed to give the right reply.

It hurt to be disappointing Kakashi time and again.

He wondered in despair what the jounin wanted from him. Was it not enough that he had made Iruka see that they really used to be close friends and that they were working towards building that friendship again? What was the purpose of trying to re-enact the past, when he could never regain those memories? What was the jounin playing at by insisting upon the ridiculous notion that they were once in love?

Looking at his companion's despondent expression, he was once again overwhelmed by a deep sense of helpless frustration. He wanted to make his friend happy too, with small gestures of kindness the jounin had been giving him but he didn't even know where to start, couldn't even respond correctly to the tests that seemed to mean so much to Kakashi.

It bothered him that he could not return the care and thoughtfulness the jounin had shown him. Whether it was platonic friendship or romantic love, he firmly believed that any relationship needed to be grounded by contributions from both involved. He was uncomfortable that the jounin was so familiar with him, grasping his hand when he wanted his attention or leaning over his shoulder to see what he was working on, touching him with a casual familiarity as though they had known each other all their lives, while he flinched at every overfriendly contact, much less initiate them in return. It also troubled him greatly that he knew next to nothing about Kakashi but the man seemed to know everything about him, from how he didn't like spring onions in his soup to his favorite brand of tea.

It was deeply unsettling, making him feel disconsolately inadequate and sometimes, downright miserable.

Finally, unable to stand the unhappy silence anymore, he stopped walking and caught his friend's sleeve. "Is something the matter, Kakashi-sensei?" He asked in concern.

Predictably, the uncovered eye crinkled up into a smile as Kakashi replied with forced light-heartedness. "Of course not. Whatever makes you say that?"

Iruka sighed; he was tired of this. Adjusting his hitai-ate distractedly, a nervous habit he picked up from his genin days, he faced Kakashi resolutely. "Just now, with the ice-cream. I don't know how I was supposed to respond, but if I've said anything to upset you, please forgive me." He bowed deeply and dropped his gaze, too filled with remorse to meet the jounin's eye.

"Iruka." Kakashi sounded surprised. "No, please don't. This isn't about…I mean, I just-" He fumbled uncharacteristically for the right words, running a hand through his hair and sighed when he couldn't.

His voice gentled as he took a step forward towards him. "Please don't worry about it. We had ice-cream and a really good time in the park last autumn. Just now, I only thought you might like to do it again, that's all."

Iruka bit his lip, the words only amplified his guilt. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, feeling wretched. "I'm really sorry I don't remember. I wish I did but-"

"It's all right." Gentle hands gripped his shoulders and he looked up to see Kakashi studying him anxiously. His silver hair, dusted with a pearly sheen in the moonlight, was wilting in the humid summer air, falling endearingly into his eye in a way that made Iruka itched to brush it back for him.

"It's not your fault." His voice was low with seriousness but he laughed a bit sheepishly. "Actually, _I'm_ sorry. I have no idea I was making you feel bad about it."

"Besides, we'll make new memories." Kakashi smiled winningly. "It's not exactly the same, but we had a good time today too, didn't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we did." Iruka admitted and found himself smiling back. "But it's not the same the second time round, isn't it?" He gazed searchingly at him, his smile turning rueful. "At least, not for you."

Kakashi's eye widened with shock and for a moment, he looked as though he had seen a ghost or heard an eerie whisper of the past on the wind. He released his grip on his shoulders, dropping his arms back to his sides and looked away.

"Perhaps." He murmured absently as he stared up at the stars, his eye distant and sad.

Then he seemed to remember himself and gave Iruka a wry grin. "But enough of that. It's getting late, let's go home."

After that, they were silent as they made their way back, only speaking to bid each other goodnight at the street corner before they turned and went their separate ways home.


	14. Chapter 14

Glad to see this story is still interesting to read. Thanks for all the heartening reviews! (smile) This chapter is quite long so I'll quit wasting time with my babbling (grin) and leave you to it.

Happy reading and hope everyone would enjoy it.

**Chapter Fourteen**

It was late afternoon when Iruka arrived to start his shift in the mission room. He nodded to the ninja he had come to relieve and sat down behind the desk, sorting through the pile of mission reports as the man left. There weren't many who collected assignments this late in the day and so the room was fairly empty, with only a few people who had come to submit their reports lingering about to chat with one another.

Iruka let their quiet chatter wash over him, allowing it to fade into the background of his mind as he worked. Summer was upon them in earnest and the land they were in was not called Fire Country for nothing. While the warm climate kept their winters mild, it made their summers swelteringly hot. And with the village surrounded by miles of forests in every direction, the air was thick and almost stifling with humidity. Outside, the cicadas droned lazily in the trees, the noise they made seemed to amplify the heat and lure people into a sleepy stupor.

It's a good thing school vacation starts tomorrow, Iruka thought as he tried to ignore the bead of sweat that was trickling down the back of his neck into his collar, the children simply cannot concentrate in this weather.

In fact, he had difficulty focusing in this oppressive heat too. Shuffling lethargically through the stack of mission reports from the first folder, he glanced at the mission number of each submission idly, matching them for level of importance in the mission log book, before arranging them accordingly for the Hokage to read later.

His mind wandered as he worked at the routine task, musing absently about what he would do with his vacation from teaching. He supposed he would spend more time training. Although he moved fluidly enough that most would never suspect he ever had a debilitating illness, he still experienced an occasional weakness that grated at him. He would take a few missions too of course. After the assault on the village during the chunin exams, there had been a great shortage of ninja to handle the missions. They had been severely overloaded with work at the academy as well but now that he didn't have to teach during the summer holidays, he would like to contribute too.

Tsunade was driving everyone with an iron-fist. Not that he was complaining about their leader's methods. Just as wise, kind Sandaime had been perfect to soothe the pain of a village torn apart by carnage and loss in the wake of the Kyubi attack; they needed Godaime's hard, uncompromising leadership now to pull the village through the aftermath of the Sound attack that had left them frightened and vulnerable.

But everyone was being worked to the bone, taking missions back to back with hardly a break in between. Iruka chewed on his lip as he checked another report against the log and placed it in the urgent pile, his thoughts drifting to Kakashi. With the Copynin's unique skills and high level of expertise, even more work was pressed on him. In fact, between his own crazy workload with the end-of-term exams at the academy and the jounin's missions, they hadn't managed to meet after Kakashi got back from his previous mission and he was off again, with only a hasty note to tell him about it.

Shaking his head, Iruka started on the next folder. Even the toughest needed a break once in a while and in his opinion, his friend was long overdue. The jounin probably had a fair amount of leave remaining and a quick holiday would do him good. He knew there was a quaint little inn that was built beside a cool spring up in the mountains and wondered what the jounin would say to a short trip there to escape this incessant heat and enjoy the quietude for a few days.

And I'll pay for it too, after all the nice things he'd done for me, Iruka thought with a smile then immediately felt silly.

Despite his skepticism about Kakashi's intentions and the dubious attempts at what the man called courtship, they had grown to share an easy friendship that was at once comfortable and comforting. He knew the jounin did not expect anything in return, but he felt compelled to reciprocate the small thoughtful gestures Kakashi had shown him. In a true friendship, it was only natural that the care goes both ways; but Iruka laughed at himself every time he got the feeling he was in some sort of competition to see who was being the better friend.

Drowsing slightly in the heat, Iruka reached for another mission report and immediately perked up when he saw the mission number. Kakashi was back from his mission. By their arrangement, that meant he would be meeting the jounin for dinner later. Iruka smiled, pleased that he could ask his friend about the trip so soon.

Then, his eyes fell on the report summary and the smile died on his lips.

_Casualties: One injured. One dead._

It was a two-man mission and the report was not in Kakashi's handwriting.

The bottom of his world fell out under him. His blood turned to ice.

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. And he couldn't hear anything above the sound of his heartbeat thundering in his ears.

With eyes transfixed with shock and grief, he could only sit and stare at the writings, his mind whirling at the terrible implications. His heart constricted with such great pain, he felt it must have taken in all the sorrows of the world.

"-ka-san? Iruka-san?"

Someone was calling his name as if from a great distance.

Iruka shook himself out of his trance to see a young woman standing before him, her blue eyes dark with concern as she leaned over the table to peer at him. "Are you Iruka-san?"

He took a deep breath to steady himself and swallowed hard, pleased that there was only a faint tremble in his voice when he spoke. "Y-Yes. Yes, I am." He even managed a smile. "How may I help you, miss?"

She assessed him for a moment, then apparently reassured that he was fine, she dimpled prettily. "I'm Akiko. I work at the hospital and Kakashi-san asked me to bring you a message."

"Kakashi." Iruka blinked stupidly at her. "Kakashi is at the hospital."

The golden ringlets in her hair bounced as she nodded her head. "Yes. He's been injured on his mission."

Iruka was suddenly very glad he was sitting down because he was sure his legs wouldn't have supported him otherwise. "Is he hurt bad?" He asked, feeling shaky with relief.

"Not too bad, but he's got to stay at the hospital for a bit I'm afraid." She sighed compassionately. "He's hurt his hand and couldn't write so he asked me to come tell you that he can't meet you for dinner tonight."

"I see." Iruka relaxed, realizing the reason for the foreign handwriting on Kakashi's mission report. Anxious to know the details, the Hokage must have sent someone to write it down as the jounin dictated it. He set the report down on the urgent pile and smiled at the nurse. "Thank you so much for bringing me the message."

"It's no trouble. I'm glad to be of help." Smoothing down a wrinkle in her dress, she smiled at him and left.

Iruka watched her go then sagged back in his chair, his heartbeat still racing a little after the intense fright he just had. He glanced at the clock and with a sigh, patiently waited for his shift to be over.

* * *

Iruka pushed open the door quietly and peered into the hospital ward, taking care not to make too much noise in case his friend was sleeping.

Kakashi sat half propped up against the pillows on the bed. The book with the outlandish orange cover he was always reading lay open in his lap but he was staring blankly at the opposite wall instead. His head whipped around at the sound of the door opening, post-mission nerves still drawn as tight as a bowstring so soon after a high-tension week. But when he saw who it was at the door, he relaxed and smiled sheepishly at his own paranoia.

"Hey, I got your message." Iruka smiled back, closing the door behind him and walked over to settle himself in the chair by the bedside. "Are you alright?"

"It's nothing serious. Just got a bit sliced up." He patted his side where Iruka could see the slight bulge of bandages under the thin hospital shirt. Kakashi showed him his right hand next, wrapped in bandages from fingers to forearm. "And I destroyed my hand with one too many chidori so I couldn't even write you a note. I'm sorry I had to cancel dinner."

"It's alright." Iruka shook his head dismissively. He found he could not take his eyes off Kakashi's wounded side, worried about the extent of the injuries despite what the jounin had said. "May I take a look?"

Kakashi looked surprised for a moment but he nodded, fumbling with difficulty at his shirt with his uninjured hand.

"Here, let me."

It was as though fear and concern had overridden any inhibitions or formality. Iruka was amazed he wasn't even blushing as he nudged the clumsy fingers out of the way gently and began unbuttoning the cotton shirt carefully. At that moment, he didn't care about the motives Kakashi had or what perverted thoughts might be running through the jounin's mind. After the scare he had, he only wanted to see for himself that the wounds weren't serious, to know for sure that his friend was truly all right.

His stomach clenched at the sight of the thick wad of dressing wrapped securely around the slender waist.

"This must have bled a lot." He reached out and touched the bandages lightly, checking carefully to make sure they were secure. The mass of gauze and cotton padding moved with every breath Kakashi took although they did not shift much. There was a patch of blood in the middle but it wasn't spreading and the stain was more brown than red.

Satisfied the wounds seemed to have stopped bleeding and was well treated, Iruka rested a sympathetic hand against the bindings. "Does it hurt a lot?" He looked up to see Kakashi watching him, an unreadable emotion stirring in the depths of his dark eye.

The jounin caught his gaze and quickly looked away. "Not really." He coughed uncomfortably and collected himself. "It's fine, they put most of that blood back in me already." He shrugged, then winced when the movement pulled at his stitches. "Actually, I can go home but the weapon might be poisoned so they're keeping me here overnight for observation, just in case."

"Poison." Iruka paused in the middle of doing up the jounin's shirt, alarmed. He studied the man closely. "How are you feeling now?"

"Maa, not bad. No fever or anything." Kakashi replied in his typical offhanded manner. "A little nauseous but that's from chakra depletion more than anything."

"That's good." Iruka smiled, picking up the flask he had brought. "Do you think you can keep anything down? Because I know from recent personal experiences hospital food still taste like stewed cardboard so I've got some porridge if you want."

"Food!" Kakashi pressed a hand over his heart and grinned with exaggerated relief. "And there I was thinking I'm going to starve."

Iruka chuckled and tipped the contents of the thermos into a bowl. He studied his feet as Kakashi took the bowl, purposely looking away like he always did as the jounin pulled his mask down to eat.

He heard the clatter of spoon against the bowl as Kakashi picked it up awkwardly, unused to eating with his left hand. Then, he went very still after the first mouthful.

"What is it?" Iruka asked, almost looking up in concern but remembered the Copynin's exposed face. He fought the urge to squirm, quite sure the jounin's gaze was focused solidly on him.

"You made this." Kakashi's voice was oddly subdued, thick with emotion. "No one in the village makes porridge with fish stock except you."

"Er…that's right. I made this porridge." He scratched at the scar across his nose uncertainly, still keeping his eyes to the ground. "That's how you like it right? With fish stock?" He had been working hard to learn more about Kakashi, noting his likes and dislikes, hoping to understand him as well as his friend seemed to know him.

"Yes, it's delicious. Thank you, Iruka." The quiet joy in the jounin's voice warmed Iruka down to his toes and he felt inordinately pleased he had finally gotten something right.

But Kakashi did not seem to have much of an appetite. After a couple of mouthfuls, Iruka heard him set the spoon down and the scrape of the bowl as he pushed it away. He gave the jounin half a minute to settle his mask back in place before raising his eyes to look at him.

With most of his face covered, Kakashi still looked pale and worn out. Although he beamed happily at Iruka, his good humor seemed forced, as though it was an attempt to mask some hidden unhappiness. Iruka frowned, remembering the pensive way Kakashi had been staring at the wall when he first saw him after he entered the room. Even now, he was quiet and distant, a hint of melancholy in his smiles that never seemed to reach his eye.

Iruka bit his lip. Kakashi was probably exhausted and feeling unwell because of his injuries. He was wondering whether to leave and let the jounin get some rest when he saw a get-well card on the bedside table.

"You had a visitor earlier?" He pointed to the card, hoping to start up a conversation to lighten the mood.

"Hmm…" Kakashi hummed a positive, sounding bored. He tilted his head back to gaze at the ceiling, uncovered eye half-lidded with disinterest. "That's from Ryuu's mom. She dropped by before you came."

When Iruka looked at him blankly, he continued conversationally with a deceptive air of indifference. "Ryuu. The guy they made jounin two weeks ago." He turned his calm gaze to the chunin and smiled. "The teammate I brought back dead."

Iruka took a sharp breath. "What did she want?" He bristled, feeling a surge of indignance on Kakashi's behalf. "If she's said anything to you, I'll-"

"It's all right, Iruka. It's nothing like that." Kakashi's eye crinkled briefly with amusement at his sudden show of protectiveness but sobered with a sigh. "She only wanted to know how her son died." He smoothed a hand over the blanket in his lap absently. "And to thank me, I guess, for bringing her son's body back."

They were silent for a long moment. Iruka struggled in vain to find something comforting to say, unsure of how to deal with the situation. It was definitely not the first time Kakashi had lost a teammate and unlikely to be the last; besides, the jounin was rather blasé about it all, seeming to be unaffected by the whole thing.

But Iruka knew better.

"Shit happens and people die. No one can help that." He said finally, trying to soften the harsh truth into something consoling. "It must have been a very difficult mission."

Kakashi sighed and rubbed tiredly at his uncovered eye. "I told Tsunade I only do S-class assassinations solo but the old hag wouldn't listen. She said it's his first S-class, said I should bring him along to show him the ropes…" He closed his eye and shook his head. "There's no damn ropes." He said quietly, just a little bitterly, and gave him a small self-deprecating smile. "Besides, after the mess I made out of my genin team, she's crazy to think I'll make a good teacher for anyone."

"It's not your fault, you know." Iruka said in a low voice, not sure if he meant Ryuu or Naruto and the others. Perhaps both, he thought as he twisted his hands helplessly.

"Isn't it?" Kakashi's voice was hollow with guilt. "If I had tried harder to persuade Tsunade…"

"Then, Ryuu-san would just be assigned another S-class and died alone out there with no one to even bring his body back."

"But I could have…_should_ have-"

"Stop." Unable to bear it any longer, Iruka reached out and clasped his hand. "Just stop it, Kakashi."

He swallowed hard and met the jounin's startled eye. "I'm not proud to tell you this, and I know you're going to think I'm a terrible person for it-Hell! I'm disgusted with myself for thinking it!-" He dropped his gaze to their joined hands, grasping the pale, thin hand even more tightly instead of letting go. "But I was not sad when I knew your teammate died."

"In fact, I felt happy." His voice trembled slightly and he gritted his teeth. The shock, the fear and the terrible heartache that gripped him earlier came back to him in a rush. "I was so _bloody_ _happy_ it wasn't you."

He gulped and raised his eyes to fix the jounin with a stern glare. "Think about that before you go on with your 'could haves' and 'should haves'."

Kakashi was staring at him, wide-eyed and deeply touched. "Iruka…" Then he sighed and nodded, giving his hand a tiny squeeze in return. "Thank you."

"Right." Iruka pulled away, feeling rather embarrassed now that the wave of emotions had passed. "Come on, Kakashi-sensei. You should get some rest." He said, coaxing the jounin to lie down. "Things will look better in the morning."

Kakashi slipped off his hitai-ate and let Iruka settle him in bed without protest, gazing at him as he lay down with such strange reverence it made him blush. But as Iruka tucked the blanket around him, he caught the chunin's hand.

"Could you-" He broke off; his hold on his hand tightened, asking silently what he could not bring himself to request out loud.

The answer hovered undecided on the tip of his tongue but compassion won out. "Of course, Kakashi-sensei." Iruka smiled into his mismatched eyes, and gently held the bandaged hand in both of his as he sat back down in the chair. "I'll stay with you for a while."

He nodded his thanks and closed his eyes, curling onto his uninjured side towards the chunin. There was still sadness in his face but he looked comforted as he smiled softly with great sincerity. "I'm really glad you're here, Iruka."

Soon, his breathing evened out and he was asleep.

Iruka sat by his side, holding his hand for a long time even after he could leave. As he watched him sleep, he had to admit he needed this as well; needed to have that contact, to feel the warm weight of the bandaged hand cradled in his own, a reminder that Kakashi was alive to help push back the dark thoughts that it could have so easily been him who had died.

No matter the reasons for their rocky start, this person had grown to be a good friend, someone precious and so very dear to him.

And Iruka was pleasantly surprised he didn't mind it in the least.


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks for all the comments for the previous chapter. (smile) I'm sorry about this chapter but…

Angst ahead. Please proceed with caution.

**Chapter Fifteen**

The grass was soft and springy under his sandaled feet as Kakashi strolled across the small glade surrounding the memorial stone, making his way back to town. The sky was a glorious blue overhead, stretching clear and bright as far as the eye could see.

Kakashi smiled under his mask. The pleasant weather brought a lightness to his spirit and a sense of cheer he hadn't experienced in a while.

_It's not all due to the weather, isn't it?_ He thought with another smile, perfectly aware but completely unconcerned that he was acting like a besotted fool.

Drawing out his book as grass gave way to dusty pavement, he read snatches of the story he was so familiar with as he ambled easily down the street towards the mission room. It was his day off and he didn't need to accept another assignment until tomorrow, but he knew Iruka was on duty and thought he would try to steal the schoolteacher away for lunch.

He hoped Iruka wouldn't mind him hanging around to wait for him to end his shift. After all, it was only mid-morning and there were still a few hours to lunchtime. Although he was always on time for important things like missions, Kakashi was all too aware he often got overly engrossed in what he was doing and let time slip away from him, usually turning up late, if at all. It amused him to think he would arrive early this time.

_Ah, Iruka-sensei, you'll make a punctual man out of me yet._

Flipping a page, he turned around a corner and his thoughts drifted to the academy teacher. It had not been easy trying to woo Iruka back. Kakashi knew he should stop yearning for the past that was gone forever but he could not stop his mind from automatically assessing everything in his dealings with Iruka, picking up small differences that fueled his wild imagination, calling forth dark whispers in his mind that told him they could never go back to the way they were, that it could never be the same the second time round.

He could tell it had been hard on Iruka too. The chunin was doing his best to understand what he wanted of him, frustrated when he perceived his efforts were falling short. Although he did not know what was wrong, he seemed determined to try to drive this problem he sensed was bothering Kakashi away.

But their labours had not been for nothing.

Kakashi smiled and pocketed his book as the front gate of the administration building came into view. Even clouded in a haze of grief for Ryuu's death, he had been amazed and greatly heartened at the chunin's response that day. Iruka had checked his bandages with a familiar tenderness that had made his heart quickened. His hands had been gentle and full of care, the expressive brown eyes filled with such serious concern, Kakashi felt that surely, the chunin must be starting to feel the same way he did for him.

It was as though his unfortunate mission had gotten through to Iruka in a way nothing he tried before had. Once Kakashi was recovered, the schoolteacher had suggested they take a vacation, insisting that the village could do without their Copynin for a couple of days.

Up in the cool hills, exploring the meandering mountain trails together in the day and chatting quietly over tea by lamplight in the inn at night, Kakashi felt they shared a closeness that he had desperately missed since the surgery. Even the three fretful days after their trip when Iruka went on his first mission since his illness did not lessen the hopeful joy that had curled around Kakashi's heart. The chunin had come back safely; his mission a success and he had even found time to buy him a souvenir.

For luck, Iruka had said with brown eyes alight with affection, grinning as he handed him the small charm made out of carved wood and colourful beads.

He could feel the trinket now, nestled against his chest where he had fastened it to the inside of his jounin vest, as he jogged up the short flight of stairs to the mission room. He was about to open the door when he heard a voice from within the room.

With all the speed and agility of a ninja, he darted around the corner of the building and flattened himself against the wall, pushing his hitai-ate up to wipe at his brow in relief at the narrow escape.

Gai's booming voice came clearly through the window on his left. "…such a good year! Fine weather we're having, are we not, Iruka-sensei?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. He knew it. He wasn't born to be punctual. It was especially bad karma for him to be early. In fact, he was getting his retribution already and it was big, green and disturbingly sparkly.

Although he did not mind the challenges Gai constantly pestered him about and actually enjoyed some of the crazier ones, he was here to see Iruka, not be dragged away on one of these contests. It was Gai's turn to decide on their challenge and knowing him, it would likely be some test of endurance, which would most definitely last well into the afternoon, disrupting his plans of lunch with the chunin.

It was best to wait this one out. He leaned back against the wall of the building with a sigh, crossing one ankle over the other as he took out Icha Icha Paradise, selecting a chapter at random. Browsing through one of his favourite parts in the book, he followed the conversation absently

"Yes, it's all quite wonderful." Iruka's clear tenor sounded a little pained. Kakashi bit back a chuckle. The chunin was probably eager to get on with his work but was too polite to directly tell Gai to leave. "Your report seems to be in order. Thank you for your hard work, Gai-sensei." The schoolteacher said, working a subtle dismissal into his reply.

But Gai knew as much about subtlety as pigs knew about flight.

"No, Iruka-sensei! I cannot take credit for this alone." The sparkle as a full set of pristine white teeth revealed could almost be heard in his voice. "For this honor is shared with my three Adorable Students, who in the Springtime of their Youth-"

"That's very nice." An impatient tone crept into Iruka's voice. Papers were shuffled meaningfully. "But you see, I have a lot of work to do today, so could you please-"

"Iruka-sensei! A shining example of diligence!" Gai sounded moved and close to tears. "What Great Inspiration you are to the Youth of our village! To me! And even to my Eternal Rival!" There was a moment of manly sniffling. "I hear Kakashi is spending a lot of time in your inspiring presence lately."

Kakashi cocked his head to one side on hearing his name. Interest piqued, he put away his book and started listening more closely, curious to hear Iruka's reply.

"Er…yes, I suppose he is." Iruka cleared his throat uncertainly but there was a smile in his voice. "Kakashi-sensei has been a truly wonderful friend."

There was a short pause and all of a sudden, his earlier impatience vanished and he seemed almost eager to chat. "He's been so thoughtful and kind to me, sometimes I don't know how to tell him how grateful I am for that." Kakashi imagined the chunin must be smiling that wonderful warm smile of his as he continued on earnestly. "If it wasn't for him reaching out to me, trying to be my friend again after the surgery made me forget our friendship, I would have lost someone very dear to me."

Kakashi grinned, a warm glow kindled in his heart at the fondness in Iruka's voice.

"Then the rumors are true! You and Kakashi are dating."

"_Dating!_" Iruka spluttered, thoroughly scandalized.

Kakashi's brows knitted slightly.

"That Konohomaru." Iruka muttered darkly then laughed dismissively. "No, Kakashi-sensei is just a very good friend. The rumors probably started because of a joke he played on me a few months ago to cheer me up after my illness." There were a few embarrassed chuckles. "He tried to convince me that we used to be _in_ _love_. Can you imagine that!"

Gai was silent for a long moment.

"I don't know what to think, Iruka-sensei." He admitted finally.

For the first time since their conversation began, he sounded very sober, his flowery speech became plain and straightforward the way Kakashi knew it did whenever Gai was serious. "I've known Kakashi for a long time. He may appear carefree and humorous but he is actually a serious person by nature." There was a pause then he went on gravely. "I find it hard to believe he would joke about something like this."

"But that's it, isn't it? Doing something unexpected is part of a good prank." Iruka pointed out. "Besides, could you think how ridiculously impossible it is?"

The schoolteacher chuckled. "I must say it's quite a good joke. It got me really angry at first but after a while, it actually turned out to be fun so I didn't mind playing along."

_Playing along…_

Kakashi felt himself grow cold at the words.

All this time he thought he was making progress, thought that slowly but surely the special bond they shared was being restored, that Iruka was starting to care for him again…it was nothing but a masquerade. Whatever care the chunin had shown towards him was no more than simple concern the kind-hearted man had for a fellow comrade.

Anger, despair and sorrow assaulted him all at once, he could barely breathe. The blinding surge of emotions whirled up like an untamed storm and coalesced into a sharp lance that pierced right through his heart.

Before he knew it, he had teleported into the mission room. Bracing his palms on the wooden tabletop, he leaned across the desk and glared at Iruka, trembling and unable to speak under the weight of his emotions.

Iruka blinked in surprise at his sudden appearance but he broke into a wide cheerful grin when he saw him. "Kakashi-sensei!" He rose from his chair, his bushy ponytail bouncing as he stood, beaming with genuine delight at seeing a friend. "Isn't it your day off? What are you doing here?"

Then he must have noticed the tensed stance and agitated aura surrounding the jounin for he frowned in concern. "What's wrong?"

There was a stunned hush in the room as everyone turned to stare at them. Kakashi raked his gaze around the room, giving each and everyone a good, hard lethal glare. The effect was instantaneous. As one mind, every shinobi looked away, scrambled to gather their things and disappeared. The mission room was vacated in under a minute. Gai went too, noisily, protesting loudly as his wiser students who had a greater sense of self-preservation dragged him bodily out of the door.

"Kakashi-sensei?" The scar pulled across Iruka's nose as his frown deepened with worry. "Did something terrible happen? Are you feeling alright?" He eyed him critically, reaching a hand out towards his forehead, as though to check him for fever.

Kakashi caught the callused brown hand before he could touch him, crushing the wrist in his fist with a strength borne of anger and did not let up even as the flash of angry surprise in Iruka's eyes turned to pain.

"_Why?_" His voice emerged in a low growl, so harsh he could hardly recognize it as his own. "Why after all this time, after _everything _I've tried, you still don't understand?"

"Understand what?" Iruka scowled and wrenched his hand away, rubbing his sore wrist. "What the hell's gotten into you!"

The realization that he had tried to harm Iruka intentionally took the edge off his fury. He took a breath, trying to calm down. "I-I _love_ you. Right now, in this present time."

"I don't care that you don't believe what I tell you about our past. I just need you to believe that I love you _now_, that it's _not _a joke." His voice still shook a little despite his efforts and he swallowed hard to steady it. "These past few months, the things we did, the time we spent together…I thought they meant _something _to you."

Iruka's lips tightened into a thin line. "Stop it, Kakashi-sensei." He said sternly. "We will not have this discussion again."

"You still won't believe me?" Looking at the impassive look on the chunin's face, he realized with dreadful certainty he had reached the end of the rope. He had tried everything he could think of. There was only one option left.

"Fine, look at this and you'll understand." Undoing the clasp of the front pocket of his vest, he took out the treasured journal Iruka had left him and threw it down on the table. "There. It's all in there."

There was a sharp gasp from Iruka, and when he looked at him, he saw the chunin had gone very pale. "Where did you get this?" He snatched up the book with shaking hands, smoothing a hand over the cover, flipping through the pages anxiously.

For the first time, Kakashi felt doubts about their contingency plan. "You gave it to me. You wrote down our past together in case the surgery made you forget."

"How could you-you…" Iruka slammed his fist down on the table, his entire frame shaking with rage. "You thieving bastard! Liar!"

"What? Iruka-"

"How could you do this!" The chunin exploded, his face flushed with fury. His eyes blazed murderously. "Do you know what this notebook means to me? How dare you _steal_ it and write all these…these _horrible lies_ in it!"

"Damn it! You wrote those things yourself!" Kakashi snapped, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "It's in your handwriting, isn't it?"

"And the Sharingan can copy a person's handwriting perfectly, can it not?" Iruka shot back flatly. When he saw that the jounin made no attempt to deny it, his eyes narrowed with contempt. "I can't believe it. All this for a mean, perverted trick."

He shook his head sadly, his voice became as cold as death. "You've really gone too far this time, Kakashi-sensei."

That was when Kakashi decided, he had enough.

"You're so smart, you've got an answer to everything, haven't you?" He sniped back with venom. He was sick, sick to the stomach that everything between them that had once been so beautiful and precious had been warped into something so twisted and ugly.

Iruka stood very still, clutching the journal in both his hands as he looked at him.

"I thought you were my friend." He said in a quiet voice that quivered ever so slightly.

If Kakashi was less angry, he might have noticed the soft glimmer of anguish in the dark brown eyes. If Kakashi was less deeply lost in despair, he might have recognized the sad confusion and bitter disappointment in the chunin's face. If Kakashi were feeling a little less of his own pain, he would have realized from the way the younger man was biting his lower lip he was deeply hurt.

That Iruka felt betrayed.

But Kakashi did not see any of it. He was only aware of the black, suffocating blanket of grief that engulfed him and the devastating sense of loss that choked his throat. He had worked hard, given it everything he had but it still wasn't enough. It was hopeless.

And frankly, he was tired of trying.

Straightening slowly, he met Iruka's eyes gravely. "Believe what you will, Iruka-sensei." He said with calm detachment. "I have nothing more to say to you." Although he kept his face neutral, his stomach twisted at the words he was about to say.

"Rest assured, I will never bother you again."

With that, he turned and walked out of the room.

* * *

He had no idea how he got home but the next thing he knew, he was shutting the door of his apartment and taking off his sandals. 

The enormity of what had just happened finally hit him.

_It's over._

Stumbling back against the closed door, he slid against the smooth wood until he was slumped bonelessly on the floor, staring vacantly at a piece of lint on the doormat. He thought he might cry but he found he had no tears left. Instead, he closed his eyes and curled his legs to his chest, resting his forehead against his drawn knees. He felt numb, hollowed out by sorrow and anguish that he wondered if he would feel anything else again.

_Heaven help me, I don't think I'm strong enough for this…_

Taking a moment to steady his ragged breathing, Kakashi exhaled a small shaky sigh. It was the right thing to do, he told himself firmly. The journal had been the last resort and when even that had not worked, it was time to face reality no matter how hard it was to accept it.

To woo the schoolteacher back had not been the only promise he made to Iruka. He had also given his word to the chunin that he would be all right, that he would move on if something like this really happened.

Indeed, he had put off his duties far too long for this frivolous pursuit, wasted too much time on this thankless endeavor. He should be taking more missions, training himself more, becoming better to serve the village. The danger from Sound was unresolved. The other countries were circling like vultures, waiting for them to show their weakness and then they'll swoop in for the kill. And Konoha had certainly not seen the last of Itachi and his cursed eyes. The Uchiha would return and Kakashi knew he had to be prepared to face him again, be prepared to protect Naruto when the boy returned under his care.

Raking a hand through his hair, he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath, allowing his thoughts drift to Iruka one final time.

He still loved the chunin very much and he doubted he would ever stop. But to love someone was to put his or her happiness before your own. He yearned to have Iruka return his feelings, to take away this cold loneliness, to go back to the way they were. But those were what _he_ wanted; he had not spared a thought for the chunin. All he had ever done for the man was to make him angry or upset.

Kakashi sighed and swallowed hard, pulling himself together with a grim determination.

It was time for him to stop being selfish, and let Iruka go.


	16. Chapter 16

The previous chapter was off the angst-o-meter but as some of you have already guessed, the confrontation when Kakashi finally shows Iruka the journal was not going to be pretty. (grimace) Still, I'm glad most people enjoyed reading it and thank you very much for your comments; they reassure me people are still finding it good entertainment despite the distinct lack of cheer. (smile) So thank you all so much.  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Ivy: I'm glad you liked my characterization of Kakashi. He's my favourite character and while I try to get everyone in-character, I try the hardest for him. (grin)

A note for this chapter: Reference-"Minty Rainforest Mist Shampoo with Extra Body"- from Wikipeida, List of Naruto summons.

And now, the story continues.

**Chapter Sixteen**

Mud.

There was mud between his toes.

Pakkun flicked his ears in disgust. Lolling idly on his back on the shaggy rug in Kakashi's bathroom, he continued holding up his paws to examine the patches of brown that were drying out and just starting to flake. His back itched and he wriggled against the rug in irritation, too lazy to get up and scratch at it.

Still, it felt good like this. Lazing about in the warm afternoon just after a mission, listening to the low soothing murmur of his master's voice mingled with the steady drum of water hitting the porcelain bathtub behind the shower curtain.

_And I bet it'll feel absolutely divine after a hot bath_, the pug thought, looking at his mud-crusted paws. _What a terrible mission_, he lamented, _my soft, delicate footpads will never be the same again!_

Although the B-class reconnaissance mission to Rain was not exactly dangerous, it was remarkably tedious. Two weeks of scouting around the edges of the village, wading through vast muddy fields to investigate their outposts, all the while putting up with the relentless pouring rain that gave the country its name. Pakkun's nose twitched at the memory. He had thought his nose was going numb from smelling nothing but damp and muck for so long.

There was a squeak from the tap as the water was turned off and he turned his gaze lazily towards the bath.

Kakashi's lean form was silhouetted clearly against the blue shower curtain as he crouched in the bathtub. He spoke softly to Michi as he dried the dog off with a towel, rubbing fondly at his ears. The collie huffed out an amused reply and gave the jounin's face a great slobbering lick, his tail wagging furiously.

Pakkun rolled his eyes.

"Steady there." Kakashi chuckled, stroking his hands through the damp fur then patted his flank. "Thanks for your help. You can go rest now."

Michi disappeared with a poof.

"All right now, who's next?" Kakashi called and pushed the curtain aside. He blinked at the last of his nin-dogs lounging on the rug and his face fell. "Oh, it's you, Pakkun."

"Oi. What's with that tone?" He flopped on his feet and glared peevishly up at his summoner.

"Maa, nothing." Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, making his silver hair stick up worse than ever. There was a smudge of mud across his bare cheek and splotches of bathwater darkened the same filthy uniform he had returned to Konoha in. With his pants rolled up to his knees and flak jacket gone, he looked more like a farmer than an elite shinobi. He smiled a bit sheepishly and pushed aside his hitai-ate to rub at the Sharingan tiredly. "I need you to do me a favour before your bath."

"Ha!" Pakkun narrowed his eyes. "I see what you're up to. You sent the others away so you can bully me without them knowing."

"Come on, Pakkun." The jounin cajoled, stepping out to sit down on the edge of the bathtub. He waved a bottle in front of him enticingly. "Please? I've got the Minty Rainforest Mist Shampoo with Extra Body just for you."

His tail was starting to swish just at the sight of the bottle and he clamped it down before it could turn into a wag. "Well, I suppose it's okay to hear what you want me to do." He sniffed imperiously.

Kakashi smiled. Setting the shampoo aside and drying his hands on a towel, he reached over for his flak jacket draped over the sink and took out a thin parcel packaged in waterproof wrappings. Undoing the protective wax paper to reveal a box wrapped with fancy gift-shop paper, he showed it to him. "I want you to take this to Iruka."

Pakkun looked up at him incredulously. "What? You think I'm a messenger hound or some-" He broke off, sniffing suspiciously at the gift, catching a familiar scent. "You got this from Rain didn't you?" Raising his head, he glared at his master accusingly.

When Kakashi scratched his cheek and looked away guiltily, he shook his head in exasperation. "Boss! It was wet and utterly _miserable_ on that mission. All I could think about was to sink my teeth in the idiot who assigned it to us and you could still-"

"Ah, actually, I volunteered for this one."

"_What?!_" Pakkun felt his eyes bulging out of their sockets. "You _volunteered_ for this nasty, god-forsaken mission that _no one_ wants-"

"Er…yes."

"-going to Rain, during their _monsoon _season, just so we can get your sweet Iruka-sensei a gift!" Pakkun finished with a huff, jumping up beside him and shoved a paw in his face. "I've got mud-_mud!_-between my toes for that!" He wailed dramatically, ending with a piteous whimper for good measure. "My paws are _ruined!_"

Kakashi smiled and set a gentle hand on his head to calm him down. "I'm sorry, Pakkun."

The pug tensed; something was wrong.

Kakashi usually indulged him, let him rant on for a while and sometimes even joining in the histrionics himself, either fussing over him with mock horror or tease him with unrepentant glee. But the jounin wasn't doing any of that.

Instead, he was quiet, with a faraway sort of look in his dark eye. It was an expression Pakkun had seen often on Kakashi's face in the past two weeks and he had wondered at its meaning. He watched his summoner curiously, noticing the slow, wistful way his fingers were tracing the pastel patterns on the gift wrap and for some reason, it made him vaguely worried.

"Still, good move, Boss." He tried to joke once more, nudging at Kakashi's side with a wink. "Braving mud and rain for your Iruka-sensei." He grinned. "Really adds a certain romantic value I must say."

"Ah, but you see, I'm afraid he's not _my_ Iruka-sensei." Kakashi answered lightly with a wry grin. "Nor will he ever be."

Pakkun blinked, suddenly serious. "What happened?"

His master's shoulders lifted in a careless shrug. "Not much." He sounded detached, even faintly cheerful in a way that made the pug feel ill to hear it. "I showed him his notebook where he wrote about our time together. He thought I wrote those things myself as a joke."

"He got mad. I got mad. We had words." He spoke easily, as though he had memorized the speech, but the quick grimace that flashed across his face was enough to show that the incident still pained him. "And I realized that this is hopeless."

Dropping his gaze, Kakashi studied his toes nonchalantly, curling and uncurling them absently against the floor tiles. "I've tried everything I possibly could. If Iruka doesn't feel the same for me by now, there's nothing else I can do." He cast him a sideway glance to see if he was still listening. "It's best for both of us if I stop wasting time and just give up."

"Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself, kid." Although his words were unsympathetic, he shifted closer so he could sit pressed up against Kakashi's side in unspoken comfort.

Kakashi gave a soft, mirthless laugh that ended oddly in a sigh. "No, Pakkun." He said, hooking an arm around him and gave him a brief hug. "We had some pretty good times, I'm grateful for them. But it's obvious I should move on."

"So you say." The nin-dog raised an eyebrow, turning his nose down at the parcel in Kakashi's hand mockingly. "Yet you still went out of your way to get Iruka what-a goodbye gift?"

"You didn't see him that day, Pakkun." He gave him a quelling look. "He was so upset. His father got him that notebook before he died, it really meant a lot to him." He bit his lip, turning the gift carefully over in his hands. "It's not the same, but I thought having a new one would help a bit."

Pakkun stared incredulously at his master, pity welled up in his heart. _Oh Kakashi, why do you do this to yourself? _

With a sigh of defeat, he settled himself onto the jounin's lap and lay down. "If it's any comfort." He grumbled spitefully. "He's a lousy bastard and you're better off without him anyway."

There was an amused chuckle. "No doubt, a classic phrase and I really appreciate this touchingly loyal sentiment." Kakashi told him with a knowing grin as he stroked his head and scratched him fondly behind his ears. "But as I recall, you adored Iruka; saying he's the nicest, kindest man you have ever met."

"And I've never been more mistaken about anyone in my life." He replied smoothly, then dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Besides, I had to tell him that to get some of the beef stir-fry he was cooking that one time."

"Liar." The jounin smiled, holding out the gift for him to take. "Now, quit stalling and just deliver the damn thing already."

"I could bite him for you." He offered as he accepted the task.

He yelped and nearly dropped the parcel as Kakashi picked him up by the scruff of his neck and held him up so that their eyes were level. "No biting." He said firmly, giving him a gentle shake in reprimand. "Promise you won't hurt Iruka."

"Fine! Okay!" He rolled his eyes as the jounin set him down. "The way you go on about it, it's like you still care for him."

"Of course I do!" Kakashi's eye was wide, then he looked away quickly. "Always will." He added softly.

They were silent for a long moment.

Pakkun studied his master's profile solemnly and sighed. Nuzzling against his hand, he gave it a tentative lick. "Hey, you alright?"

The uncovered eye crinkled up as Kakashi turned to smile at him, bright with forced cheerfulness. "Don't worry, Pakkun." He said bracingly, with just the faintest hint of pain in his voice. "I will be."

* * *

With a start, he realized he had let his mind wander again. 

Iruka looked down at the lesson plan he had started on hours ago. He had only written a couple of sentences, but half of the words were crossed out while the others were plain gibberish now that he read them more carefully. School was starting in a couple of weeks and he really needed to finish the lesson plan but he found he simply could not focus.

Cursing under his breath in frustration, he crushed the piece of paper in his fist and flung it into the bin in disgust. Then, he slumped down in his chair and rubbed absently at his aching neck as he stared dejectedly out of the window. A light breeze touched with the cool scent of the approaching autumn blew gently into his room, setting the papers on his table fluttering.

The sound drew his attention to the stack of papers in one corner of his table and the notebook weighing down on it.

He sighed. To his chagrin, his thoughts wandered as they often did in the past weeks to Kakashi.

In his mind, he could still see the argument they had that day played out with terrible clarity. He had been angry, simply furious that the jounin had broken into his house, _stolen_ one of his most prized possessions and proceeded to make a mockery out of it. It was more than he could bear to see the precious gift his father had left him, the cherished keepsake that he couldn't bring himself to write anything in, be used for so frivolous a purpose and with so little regard for its value.

But as anger faded and he had time to calm down, he started to wonder why. Why did Kakashi insist on his joke and execute it in such a mean, heartless way? Kakashi was his friend, wasn't he? Why would a friend do something like this?

Iruka smiled bitterly to himself. _Of course,_ _I thought Mizuki was my friend too…but he only wanted to get closer to see my suffering better._

His heart twisted painfully to think such things of Kakashi and he closed his eyes, firmly pushing the idea away.

The notion that what Kakashi had said might be true did cross his mind at one point. He read the notebook from cover to cover, searched it for clues and studied it for genjutsus; yet he could find nothing. It was indeed his journal, the words in his own handwriting.

But words were words. They don't mean anything and could be easily forged. It told him nothing.

Now two weeks since the incident, both anger and bewilderment were relegated to the back of his mind. Mean-spirited prankster or a former beloved, he didn't exactly care anymore.

The jounin was Iruka's friend, someone dear and precious to him.

He would not see their friendship broken over a silly prank like that.

With that decided, Iruka had searched for the man, hoping for a word with him but he was nowhere to be found. At first, he thought Kakashi was avoiding him until he saw that the jounin had volunteered for the mission to Rain, which no shinobi would touch with a five-foot pole.

Then, he knew _for sure_ Kakashi was avoiding him.

Iruka shook his head, stretching to ease the ache in his back. Kakashi was an excellent ninja. It would take some effort to catch him if the jounin was so set on evading him.

Maybe I can try an ambush or lay some traps, he thought with a chuckle as he stood up to go to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

Before he could take another step, a small cloud of smoke swirled on his table and an indistinct mass rose up in the center of it.

His hands flashed to his weapons pouch and closed around a kunai as the form solidified into a squat and rather ugly looking nin-dog.

It was one of Kakashi's summons it would seem. He released the weapon and relaxed his stance as he recognized the deep blue cape and the henohenomoheji on the canine's back. The dog was dirty and mud-splattered, obviously just back from the field.

"What are you doing here?"

"Boss sent me of course." The pug glared at him sourly.

"Kakashi? Why did he not come himself?" A sudden thrill of anxiety ran through him. "Is he hurt?"

"Hurt? More like heartbroken." He sneered. "He doesn't want to see you."

The dog's haughty tone was starting to make him angry. "Well, he was the one who ended our friendship." He replied tersely, crossing his arms across his chest. "I don't see what he has to be heartbroken about."

The hound's eyes narrowed into slits, hard and glittering like shards of broken glass. "Iruka-sensei. You're a respectable man; intelligent, able to reason things out. But I also think you like reason a little too damn much." He sat on his haunches and looked at him gravely. "Do you not _feel_ anything for Kakashi? Do you not care for him at all?"

Iruka bit his lip and looked away, surprised that he suddenly couldn't meet the nin-dog's eyes.

"He's my friend, of course I care for him." He said carefully, then smiled. "Even if he does crazy and totally nonsensical things that never fail to make me angry, I still want to be his friend."

Heaving a patient sigh, the pug gave him a doleful look. "I was there, with the both of you, before you had to…" He tapped a paw to his wrinkled forehead, indicating the surgery, and went on seriously. "And I know what I saw. You were together and very much in love."

"You're his summon, of course you'll take his side in this."

"You really are thickheaded, aren't you?" The nin-dog snorted derisively. His long ears flapped as he shook his head angrily. "I used to think you're good for Kakashi. He found solace in you, happy just simply being with you."

"Now I know you're nothing but trouble for him." He gave a short, scornful bark. "And I say _good riddance_!"

A vein ticked in Iruka's forehead. "Look here, just listen for a minute-"

The nin-dog growled low in his throat, took a step forward and looked surprisingly menacing for a small pudgy dog. "No, _you_ listen to me, Iruka-sensei."

"Kakashi is not a saint, but he's not a bad person. He's already been through so much, he doesn't deserve this." The hackles rose on his back as he crouched down, tensed as though for a fight and Iruka found himself taking an involuntary step back, reaching for a weapon as well. The growling grew louder and the warning was clear in the dog's fierce gaze. "You leave him alone from now on, you hear me?"

"Hey, I-"

The hound did not give him a chance to respond. Swiftly, he tossed a parcel down onto the table. "He told me to give you that."

He glowered at Iruka darkly and growled, gnashing his teeth together. "Grrrr…I so want to _bite_ you right now!" Then, he took a deep, meditative breath. "But that idiot told me not to, so I'll just have to settle for this."

Iruka knew what the mutt was about to do the instant his hindleg left the tabletop but he was still too slow to stop it. Urine sprayed in a smooth arc all over the table. The pug gave a malicious grin as he shifted to make sure he gave the books and notes a good drenching as well.

"Have a good day, Iruka-sensei." And he was gone.

"Damn you! You flea-bitten mongrel!" Iruka roared, shaking his fist at the lingering smoke. He dashed into the bathroom, returning with toilet paper to staunch the spread of the mess.

A few frantic minutes of sponging, cursing and a bin full of smelly, sodden tissues later, he frowned at his soggy belongings and groaned. He wrinkled his nose, the stench was already starting to choke. The books might be salvaged, if the smell wasn't so bad when they were dried out, besides he could always buy new ones.

But the paperwork won't be so easy to replace. Lifting up a damp piece of report from a recent teacher's meeting gingerly by the corner, he squinted at the smudgy writing and could barely make out the words. He sighed and set it down in dismay; there was no way he could file that. He'll just have to make copies of everything by hand and it was going to take all night.

He sighed morosely and was about to start when he noticed the parcel Kakashi's dog had brought him. It was sitting innocently near the edge of the table, well out of range of the wetness in the disaster zone. The mutt had spared it probably out of respect for his master.

Wondering what devious tricks Kakashi was up to now, Iruka frowned in annoyance and picked it up cautiously. He looked it over for traps or any nasty surprises for a while and was quite relieved to find none. Marveling at the fancy swirls of colours on the wrapping paper that blended artfully together like eddies in a river, he carefully unwrapped the gift.

He froze when he saw what was inside.

Suddenly, he knew why Kakashi had chosen to go to Rain for his mission.

The notebook was not exactly the same as the one his father got him, but it had the distinctive red autumn leaves etched onto the cover and the small stamp in the bottom right corner to show that it was a product of the finest paper-mill in Rain. With a trembling hand, Iruka caressed the intricate artwork and gently flipped open to the first lined, completely empty page.

There was one of Kakashi's plain white cards tucked between the cover and the first page.

_Iruka-sensei,  
While I maintain it is through no fault of mine, I'm sorry you've lost such a precious memento from your childhood. Please accept this notebook with my sincerest apologies for upsetting you that day. The edition you have is no longer in production and I could only obtain a similar one. Although I know it cannot possibly compare to what you had, I hope it would at least alleviate some of your sorrow.  
In addition, rest assured that I shall honor my promise and will never bother you henceforth.  
May our paths never meet again,  
__Kakashi._

Iruka stared at the note. The formal tone, the coolly impassive expressions, the finality of the words…he could hardly believe it was Kakashi who wrote it.

Suddenly, he realized his hands were trembling. His head bowed. The card fell from his nerveless fingers, fluttering soundlessly to the ground, but his fingers tightened around the book. There was a pressure in his eyes and he shut them tight as he groped blindly for the chair, sinking down weakly in it, aching with an overwhelming sense of loss.

Clutching the notebook to his chest, Iruka swallowed hard; his lips twisting into a sad, ironic smile.

It would seem he had grown to care about the jounin more than he ever realized.


	17. Chapter 17

Wasn't Pakkun the greatest? Revenge, doggy-style! (laugh) I'm glad most people enjoyed that but I'm afraid it may be the last we see of the cute pug for this story, at least that's the plan so far.  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To daxzia: I'm sorry I made you cry (hands over a box of tissues) but I'm glad you liked it despite the tears. I'll try to see this story to completion first and after that…er, no ideas at present but I'll think about it. (smile) Thanks so much for your encouraging review!  
A note for this chapter: Reference-this chapter is based on anime episode 197 to 201.

Here we go…

**Chapter Seventeen**

"Rat, Ox, Tiger…"

"Good, keep going."

"Hare…um…D-Dragon…"

Iruka sighed. "No, Udon." He corrected gently for what seemed like the hundredth time since term started. "You tuck your thumbs in and extend your little fingers for the Dragon seal, not the other way round."

Udon's sleepy eyes peered out from behind his thick glasses, frowning in concentration as he tried to re-adjust his small stubby fingers. His tongue stuck out further and further as he fumbled, oblivious to the streak of clear snot running from his nose from the effort.

Someone sniggered in the back row.

"Ow!" Disentangling his fingers from the snarl that looked more like a contortionist act than a seal, Udon rubbed his sprained wrist and turned red.

The class burst into laughter.

"Oooh! Did poor little Udon hurt his pinkie doing a widdle hand seal?" The loud brash voice of Gin was an odd falsetto as he jeered above the noise of the laughter. The tall, stocky youth stood up and waved a meaty hand at his classmate dramatically. "Behold! Udon! A genius at being an idiot!"

In a flash, Konohomaru was on his feet and charging straight for Gin. Teeth clenched tight with anger, he reached across the desk and seized a fistful of the other boy's shirt. "How dare you-!"

The rest of his words and Gin's reply were lost as they both went down punching and kicking, knocking tables and chairs over as they wrestled with each other. The others crowded round, hooting with excitement and cheered the fighters on.

"Alright! That's enough!" Iruka roared, pulling a screaming Konohomaru off Gin. He glared at the rest of the class. "The rest of you! Back to your seats!"

When the kids had clattered off back to their desks and Iruka had caught his breath, he frowned at the two unruly boys. "Detention. Both of you."

Gin eyed him sullenly and wiped his nose on his sleeve but he nodded.

"But Iruka-sensei! He started it!" Konohomaru whined, crossing his arms huffily in front of his chest.

Iruka silenced him with a stern look. He could feel a headache building and it was not even past noon. "Yes he did, but unfortunately, you helped finish it. So you'll _both _have to serve detention." He steered the protesting child back to his seat and turned his gaze on the rest of the students.

"I'm very disappointed in all of you." He looked at each of them in turn as he spoke. "You'll be taking the graduating exams in a few more months. Shouldn't you all be helping each other so everyone can graduate together?"

"Does it feel good to leave a classmate behind?" His eyes landed on Gin and the boy looked away guiltily.

"Sorry, Udon." He muttered and the rest of the class echoed the sentiment, looking suitably chastised. Konohomaru was grinning.

Satisfied, Iruka walked back to Udon's side and took his hand, examining the tender wrist. "Do you need to put ice on this?"

The boy shook his head and gave a mighty sniff. "I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei." He looked as though he was going to cry.

"It's okay." He ruffled his hair affectionately, his heart aching in sympathy.

Mathematics was Udon's strong subject, not jutsu basics like hand seals. Besides, the boy was always flustered when he knew others were watching him, self-consciousness making him nervous and even clumsier than usual. Iruka sighed, he really didn't want to put the poor kid up like this; but if he couldn't perform the hand seals in front of his own classmates, he would have an even harder time doing them properly for the examiners at the end of the year.

"Well, you've already gotten four right." He smiled down at the distressed boy. "Just eight more to go. You can do it. We'll practice them during remedial this week, okay?" He patted his hand encouragingly and was rewarded with a watery smile.

Walking back to his desk, Iruka flipped through his textbook. "Alright class, now we're going to put together some of those seals we've learnt for a jutsu." There was some excited twittering and he smiled at their enthusiasm at learning their first technique.

"We're going to learn the transformation technique today." Picking up a piece of chalk, he wrote _Henge no Jutsu_ in large firm letters on the board. "It's one of the simplest but also one of the most useful jutsu."

He narrowed his eyes at Yuki who was dozing in the corner, then flicked the piece of chalk at him, giving the boy an admonishing frown when the chalk bounced off his head and startled him awake. "And it's on the exam so please pay attention." He tapped the words on the board meaningfully and turned back to the whole class. "Turn to page eighty. I'll give you a moment to memorize the sequence of the seals before we practice together."

There was a rustle of pages and a bit of whispering but the students soon settled down to their work. A hush came over the classroom. Iruka sat at his desk and watched them, feeling tired from the difficult morning.

In fact, he thought morosely, it had been a difficult month.

With the final term in full swing, it seemed his days were long never-ending blurs of lessons, homework, remedial and parent-teacher meetings. Most days, he would crawl into bed and be asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. There was one night he had even fallen asleep in the bath.

He knew this was normal, for this time of the year, for teachers with graduating classes but it felt as though he had time for little else. He had to cancel most of his shifts at the mission room and hardly went anywhere other than the academy and his home.

Yet the hectic schedule didn't stop him from taking a second look every time he caught a flash of silver hair in the streets; didn't stop him from dropping by Kakashi's apartment everyday, eager to have a word with his friend. But the glint of silver was never from the person he was hoping to see and the jounin never seemed to be home when he visited.

Iruka breathed out a soft sigh as he gazed out of the window absently, wondering where the jounin was right now, hoping that he was well. The branches of the tree growing outside the classroom swayed gently in the autumn breeze and he noted ruefully that the leaves were already starting to turn red.

He hadn't seen Kakashi in over a month now.

And he really did miss the jounin something fierce.

_What went wrong, dear friend? What did I do that was so terrible, you never want to see me again?_

Iruka bit his lip; the heaviness in his heart seemed to be weighing down on his entire soul. He didn't understand. He didn't understand any of it. If only he could find Kakashi, talk to him…

The classroom door slid open and Izumo poked his head in. "Iruka, can I speak to you for a moment?"

"Of course." He blinked, rising to his feet, puzzled at his friend's appearance. At this hour, the chunin was usually busy with the Hokage, helping her with paperwork.

A low twitter started among the children, heads swiveling around curiously to see who was at the door.

"Keep reading." Iruka commanded, heading off any potential mischief brewing in the devious little minds with a stern glare as he strode to the door. "Anyone who can't recite the seal sequence correctly won't be allowed to try the jutsu." He warned.

"What is it?" He stepped out into the corridor and slid the door close behind him.

"Trouble." Izumo said shortly, sounding anxious and urgent. There was sweat beading on his upper lip and he looked pale with worry. With a quick glance around, he lowered his voice further. "A kid unearthed an explosive tag behind the school's generator just now. There might be more. Tsunade-sama ordered an evacuation but said to pretend it's a drill in case there's panic."

Iruka's blood ran cold. "Explosive tags. Planted in the academy." He swallowed hard, trying to think past the shock. "How did they do it? Who is it?"

His friend shook his head. "We don't know, we hardly have any information at the moment, but the academy is clearly in danger." He wiped an impatient hand at the hair falling across his face, eager to be on his way but he paused for a moment.

With a stricken look, he went on, his voice growing agitated as he spoke. "This is serious shit, Iruka. Neji is away with his team on a mission but we've got Hinata here for a quick look around."

"There's _loads_ of these tags buried in the walls, we're talking about _hundreds_." He gulped, pulling off his bandana and twisted it nervously in his hands. "And they're all linked by chakra threads to one another so if one goes off, the whole lot will blow too."

"The academy will be leveled by an explosion this big." Iruka muttered faintly, his hands clenching into fists.

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that." Izumo looked a little ill. He re-tied his bandana around his head and gave Iruka a shaky smile. "The rest of the Hyuga clan is on their way to see if they can dismantle this mess but our first priority is to evacuate."

"Look, I've got to go inform the other classes. Take your kids to the village square and check in with Shizune-san there."

"Right." Iruka nodded gravely. He extended his hand. "Stay safe, Izumo."

Izumo clasped his hand and flashed him a fleeting smile. "You too. See you later." Then, he was hurrying down the corridor to the next classroom.

Taking a deep calming breath, Iruka turned back to the room. "Alright, class!" He called loudly as he opened the door. "Evacuation drill time! I want everyone to form a line at the door right now."

"Move quickly." He shouted when the children were slow to comply. His mind was whirling at everything Izumo had told him, tensed and anxious to get the children to safety. He glanced around suspiciously at the seemingly plain and innocuous walls and couldn't help but feel an eerie tingle at the back of his neck. It was unsettling to know they were surrounded by so many explosives.

Once he had checked each child carefully against his roster and made sure all the students were present, he started leading them out of the academy towards the assembly point. He passed the other classes on his way and he nodded to the other teachers, seeing his concerns mirrored in their tight, anxious faces.

The air was cool and fresh outside, and it felt like freedom and safety. Iruka heaved a quiet sigh of relief, the band of fear constricting his chest loosened up a bit as he herded his students down the street into the village square. With a final roll call to ensure all the students in his class were accounted for, he nodded at Shizune who acknowledged him with a grim smile.

He turned, ready to head back into the building to help out with the evacuation when he felt a small hand clutch at his trousers, tugging timidly.

Hyuga Hanabi was seldom flustered about anything but the little girl was ashen now, trembling with fear.

"Iruka-sensei." Her voice was tiny and breathless. "It's not a drill, isn't it?"

Mature beyond her age, she seemed to have caught on the real reason for the evacuation and had enough sense to know the importance of keeping it quiet. She kept her voice low as she went on. "Father's been helping me with my Byakugan, it's not very strong yet but I can…I mean, I saw…I saw explosive tags." She gave a quiet hiccough, trembling even harder. "There's so many…so many…"

Her fingers twisted in the dark fabric of his trousers. She bit her lip, trying to rein in her fear but he could tell she was terrified. "Please, Iruka-sensei…please don't go back in there."

Iruka hesitated, caught between hurrying away and comforting the child. Squatting down in front of her so that he could look into her milk-white eyes, he took her cold hands in his and squeezed them gently with a smile. "Listen, Hanabi. What's the first step of the evacuation drill?"

"S-Stay calm."

"Right." He smoothed a strand of dark hair away from her pale face. "And you're doing so well. I need you to keep staying calm, okay?"

She nodded.

"You're right, there are a lot of explosive tags in the school right now, but it's still quite safe to go in there." He hoped his voice sounded more confident than he actually felt. "Remember what we learnt in class? Tags don't go off on their own."

"There may be a lot of tags but without a trigger, they're just scraps of paper." He brushed at the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. "I'll be okay."

The girl was still frowning, but she relaxed her grip on his hands. "Be careful, Iruka-sensei."

"I will." He promised. With a final gentle stroke on her head in reassurance, he was off, rushing as fast as he could back to the school compound.

The academy was almost vacant now with most of the classes assembled at the village square. Looking in on one empty classroom after another, Iruka checked the area methodically until he was sure no one was left in the rooms.

"Western wing is all clear." He reported to Izumo when he saw his friend near the central stairwell.

"Hm." The chunin made a note on his records. "We're just waiting for word from the east and south wings." Then he frowned. "Wait, there's a class without a teacher."

"What?" Iruka craned his neck as he tried to see what Izumo was pointing at. "They're having recess."

They shared a horrified look. The kids could be scattered anywhere, playing in some hidden corner and unaware they had to evacuate.

"Damn it." Iruka shook his head. He started for the stairs. "You stay and wait for the others to report. I'll go check the gym and playground."

Sand crunched under his feet as he jogged past the playground, giving it a cursory look over. The swing was swaying slightly in the wind as though a child had just been on it but the area was clearly empty. He hurried on, taking two steps at a time as he descended into the basement. As soon as he reached the passageway leading to the gym, he could hear the cheerful voices of children, talking and laughing, mingled with dull thuds of weapon striking wood.

Relieved that he had found at least a few of the missing children, Iruka opened the door. There were two boys throwing kunai at a practice post. It was shaped exactly like all the posts they had, a smooth cylindrical stump of wood with the Konoha emblem carved on it. A red spot was painted in the center of the swirls to indicate the target.

Iruka frowned. He had the strangest feeling something wasn't quite right with what he was seeing, but he didn't know what. Concerned with getting the boys away to safety, he shook himself out of his thoughts.

"Hey! There's an evacuation drill." Iruka called out. "You have to leave now."

The boys jumped at his voice, spooked. "Yes, Sensei!" They cried, looking at each other guiltily.

Iruka shook his head exasperatedly; recess must be over by now and it was obvious these two were planning on hiding in the gym to skip class. Even now, they were picking up the kunai littered at their feet and around the post slowly, reluctance showing in both their faces.

Taking a frustrated breath to yell at them to leave the weapons and get moving, Iruka's eyes fell on the practice post again.

The colour of the wood was pale while the base was worn and dark with age.

It looked like it had recently been replaced.

His eyes widened as pieces of the puzzle finally fell in place with a click in his mind.

"No, _don't_!" He shouted, bursting into a straight run towards the boys even as he saw the taller one threw another kunai halfheartedly towards the post.

At such close range, the boy couldn't possibly miss and Iruka knew he was too far away to stop the weapon.

With less than a second to spare, he skidded to a stop between the startled boys. His heart was pounding as he flashed through a teleportation jutsu before clamping a hand down on each boy's shoulder.

The explosion came just before the jutsu could take hold.

It knocked them forward on their knees and Iruka lost his grip on one of the boys. A sharp, searing pain scorched across his back and he gritted his teeth as something stabbed into his side. Distantly, he heard more explosions. Dust and rubble filled the air and he caught sight of the ceiling caving in just before the jutsu whisked them away.

They materialized in the village square. Coughing and wheezing, Iruka stumbled forward a step, then crumpled. He sat, breathing hard, blinking stupidly at the boy curled up sobbing beside him, mildly surprised he couldn't hear anything for the ringing in his ears. He put out a hand to comfort the child but gasped as a blinding pain flared. There was wetness against his side and when he looked down, he saw his uniform was soaked with blood.

People were running towards them, their faces white with worry, their mouths moving as though they were shouting. Iruka squinted, trying to understand what they were saying but his vision was starting to blur. Everything was fading, the world tilting and slipping away from him. He closed his eyes.

Suddenly, rather inexplicably, he found himself thinking of Kakashi.

It made him smile.

Then the world went black.


	18. Chapter 18

This chapter turned out much longer than I intended (sigh) but I hope you guys won't find it too tedious, and still enjoy it anyway. (hopeful smile)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To alaine: I'm sorry, but those memories Iruka lost are permanently gone from him, so he won't be remembering them.

And now, with 33 percent more content…

**Chapter Eighteen**

Iruka was surprised how difficult it was to walk with a wound in his side. It wasn't that he hadn't experienced it before, but it had been a while and he had forgotten.

Painkillers dulled the pain into something more bearable but the injury still throbbed with every step he took. He clenched his teeth and steadied his breathing, trying not to wince. Instead, he focused on keeping the cup of coffee in his hand steady and placed one foot in front of the other determinedly, slowly plodding his way down the hospital corridor.

This late in the evening, the frenzied pace of the day was finally starting to slow down. A muted hush had settled over the hospital, a deceptive calm that belied the chaos that happened mere hours ago. He only passed a few nurses and an occasional doctor along the way, all of whom were dull-eyed with fatigue and barely looked at him as he walked past.

Iruka sighed, feeling sick at heart.

It almost felt like it was the Kyubi attack or the Sound invasion all over again.

Although they managed to evacuate most of the students, there were still a few classes in the building when the blast went off. Along with the people dismantling the explosive tags and those directing the evacuation, the casualties had been enough to overwhelm the hospital.

He had woken up to the sounds of screaming and crying; opened his eyes to the nightmarish sight of men, women and children, covered in dust and blood, having just been pulled out from under the rubble. They lay on beds and in chairs, spilling out of the wards into the corridors where they huddled on the ground groaning, crying, screaming, staring blankly forward with dull lifeless eyes…

Iruka gulped and stumbled, reaching out a shaky hand to press against the wall for support. Closing his eyes briefly, he stood trembling, fighting back the sudden wave of nausea. Firmly, he pushed the terrible mental images and the choking rush of emotions away from his mind.

_Later_, he told himself sternly, _there'll be time for this later._

Taking a deep breath, he straightened and brushed irritably at the stray strands hair coming loose from his ponytail. He knew he looked a mess, pale from blood loss and pain, without his hitai-ate and dressed in an old uniform borrowed from the hospital that smelled faintly of mould. But his appearance was the least of his concerns right now.

Rounding the corner, he heaved a sigh of relief when he finally arrived at the waiting room. Pushing open the door, he quailed slightly at the sight of the room full of people, feeling sick at the nervous anxiety and sorrow in their faces when they turned to look at him. He gave them a weak smile and avoided their eyes, shuffling almost apologetically into the room.

Searching the crowd, he finally spotted the person he had come for and started towards him.

"Thought I might find you here." He greeted then tried to clear his throat, still unused to how hoarse his voice sounded from inhaling too much smoke and dust.

Kotetsu sat slumped in one of the white plastic chairs, hunched over with his face buried in his hands. He looked up abruptly at his voice, surprised.

"Iruka?" He shot to his feet and took him by the elbow, guiding him into a nearby chair. "What're you doing out of bed? The last time I checked on you, you were still unconscious."

Iruka waved a dismissive hand at Kotetsu's concern but he sank with relief into the seat. With his injuries, even the short walk down the corridor had drained his strength. He gave his friend a tired smile as he handed over the drink he had brought. "I thought you could use some coffee."

"You're the best, Iruka." The chunin took a large gulp and sighed with exaggerated bliss.

Iruka smiled and shook his head, but his amusement died when he remembered his purpose there. "Any news about Izumo?" He asked anxiously. "Since you're here, he must be…"

"Yeah, they dug him out a couple of hours ago." Kotetsu's face fell as he turned serious. He wrapped his hands around the styrofoam cup and stared silently into the dark depths of the coffee for a long moment.

"They're still working on him though." He continued quietly. "He's quite badly crushed. The central stairwell is a weak point in the building's structure and he was standing right next to it."

"I see."

They sat side by side in miserable silence, lost in thought.

Iruka bit his lip and looked away. He felt a sudden inexplicable urge to apologize, but he didn't know how. He wanted to say something comforting but his mind was blank. Dropping his gaze uncomfortably, he could only stare helplessly at his hands clasped loosely in his lap.

Then Kotetsu gave himself a little shake as though to chase away the somber mood. Smiling, he looked over at Iruka. "What about you? How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright. Actually, the doctors say I can go home already."

"What? Are they serious?" Kotetsu frowned. "For goodness sake, Iruka! You were caught in an explosion!"

"Almost. _Almost_ caught in an explosion." He corrected, rubbing absently at a bruise on his arm. "There are others more badly injured and the hospital desperately need bed space for them." With a wry grin, he shrugged casually to make light of his injuries. "I can walk, so I'm good to go."

"But still, how could they kick you out like this." Kotetsu protested. With shrewd dark eyes, he eyed him critically.

Fighting the urge to squirm, Iruka winced inwardly, knowing his friend could see the pain and exhaustion in his face even though his clothes hid the bandages and most of the bruises.

"It's no big deal." He smiled, trying his best to be reassuring. "I can rest just as well at home, maybe even better!" He made a face. "You know how I feel about hospitals."

The chunin's lips twisted skeptically but he relented. "Fine." He said, draining his coffee as he got to his feet. "But I'm going with you to make sure you get home and settle in alright."

Iruka huffed out a short laugh as he shook his head in a firm negative. "Really, I feel fine." He lied, gripping his friend's shoulder. "You should stay here with Izumo."

Kotetsu looked stricken for a moment. Scratching at the bandages across his nose, he glanced at the corridor outside leading to the operating room and back at Iruka, clearly undecided. Then he heaved a deep sigh.

"Alright." He said at last, giving Iruka's shoulder a brief clasp in return. "Take care of yourself. But if your wounds start bleeding again or if you're feeling worse-"

"I'll bring myself to the hospital at once." Iruka finished with a fond, exasperated smile. "Yes, I know, Kotetsu. Don't nag."

"Get out of here." His friend grinned, shaking a fist at him in mock anger.

With a quick wave goodbye, Iruka stepped out of the room and started towards hospital exit. His feet dragged as he walked, his smile faded. Out of sight of his friend and with no one around to see him, he could drop all pretenses.

One child dead. Izumo barely clinging onto life. The hospital overwhelmed with the injured and who knew how many more were still buried, dead or dying under the rubble…

Iruka wiped a tired hand over his face and fought back a half-hysterical laugh.

Sometimes, he really hated himself.

Coming upon the exit, he was surprised to see that it was raining outside. Raindrops fell unseen from the black night sky but plummeted down like hundreds of delicate, silver needles, flashing in the light of the streetlamps.

Standing sheltered in the porch area, he gazed absently out into the dark night, gripped by an unexpected wave of melancholy. Rain drummed faintly on the roof overhead, making the night seem all the more quiet and peaceful.

It made him feel unbearably lonely.

Wind laced with light rain blew at him and he shivered, startling him out of his trance. Shaking his head at his own silly thoughts, he brushed a hand back through his hair wearily.

He had no energy left to jutsu himself home and this sort of gentle autumn rain usually lasted for hours. Unwilling to wait, he pulled the vest of the borrowed uniform around himself more tightly, zipping it up to the collar and stepped out into the rain.

He was soaked within minutes but he found that he didn't really mind. The rain suited his mood, he thought as he trudged through the deserted streets. Water sluiced over his sandaled feet and he kicked halfheartedly at a puddle but quickly stopped when pain erupted in his side. With a rueful sigh, he stopped for a moment to catch his breath, grimacing as he pressed a hand against the wound in his side.

Cold rain pattered down on him and trickled through his hair. Iruka closed his eyes and lifted his face, enjoying the feel of the icy droplets on his skin. He took a deep breath, pleased when he could only smell the sharp tang of ozone.

The rain had washed the scent of smoke and destruction away. It made everything clean and fresh again. Standing alone in the silent streets with his eyes closed, he could almost imagine that everything was alright with the village.

That no one died.

And one of his best friends wasn't in the hospital right now, fighting for his life.

He didn't know how long he stood there in the rain but presently, he started walking again, his feet mindlessly taking him towards his home although he felt too numb to move.

But when he turned past the corner bakery and caught his first sight of the academy since the explosion, he stopped in his tracks.

The central tower and the southern wing were completely gone. The roof of the western wing had caved as though someone had swung a giant club at it.

His gut gave a nauseating twist. The scene flashed through his mind once more, crystal clear with every painful detail.

_The speeding kunai he couldn't stop, the face of the boy he couldn't save as his shoulder slipped from his grasp, the explosion he had the chance to prevent but failed to…_

Breathing hard, he closed his eyes and fought back the onslaught of memories and the crushing, black guilt that threatened to swallow him whole. Shuddering, he turned from the ruins of the academy and stumbled blindly away.

He hardly knew where he was heading but a sudden awareness of someone near jerked him to his senses.

A shadow stepped out from a dark alley and loomed over him.

Iruka gasped sharply. He leapt back into a defensive crouch as he reached a hand for his weapons pouch, biting down on his lip at the pain of his wounds from the hasty movement.

"You shouldn't be here." The shadow stalked forward and he watched in amazement as the dark wraith stepped into the halo of light under the streetlamp and turned into…

_Kakashi…_

His heart skipped a beat.

The jounin was drenched; his silver hair was plastered to his hitai-ate and falling into his visible eye. Slightly breathless with surprise, Iruka could only gaze at him through the fine misty rain, wondering at the tension in his lean frame and the distress in his face, obvious even under the mask. There was a wild dangerous look in his eye as the jounin took a step forward, almost trembling with anger and Iruka found himself suddenly thinking of a ferocious predator about to pounce.

"Kakashi-sensei…what-"

Kakashi cut him off with a glare, his dark eye brimming with fury. "You're hurt. You shouldn't be out in the rain like this." He said in a tone that bore no argument.

Before he knew it, the man had formed seals for the teleportation jutsu and grabbed his hand.

Iruka barely had time to find his feet and recognize from the familiar furniture that they were in his apartment when Kakashi was already pushing him down to sit on the couch.

"Don't move." He ordered, stomping off into the bedroom and reappeared a second later with a large white bath towel which he threw over Iruka's head. "Dry yourself before you catch a chill."

Then, he disappeared into the kitchen, moving with ease as though he knew the place well. Iruka blinked stupidly at his kitchen doorway, still reeling with shock and more than slightly disturbed at Kakashi's strange familiarity with his home.

There was some clattering in the kitchen, homely sounds of cabinets opening and the kettle being set to boil. A few minutes later, the jounin returned, a gently steaming mug in one hand. The faint fragrance of his favourite osmanthus tea was in the air.

Kakashi seemed to have calmed down a bit. He gave him a tentative smile and offered him the mug. But when he saw that Iruka had not started to dry off, he set the mug down on the low table and heaved an exasperated sigh.

Kneeling down in front of him, the jounin took the towel from his slack, unresisting hands. His uncovered eye was dark with concern as it roved over Iruka's face, carefully studying his features, looking for signs of pain or illness.

Iruka gazed back, mesmerized. He found he couldn't look away.

Caught in a dazed stupor, he felt boneless with confusion and made no move to stop him as Kakashi reached out and pulled the tie out of his hair. His dripping hair fell down about his shoulders, sticking to his neck.

Kakashi made a faint noise of disapproval. "The bandages shouldn't get wet and the cold is no good when you've lost so much blood." He muttered angrily under his breath as he started rubbing the towel briskly over his hair. "What were those doctors thinking, letting you out in this state."

Lifting an edge of the towel to peer at Iruka's face, he pulled off a glove and held the back of hand against the side of his face. The fingers were hot against his chilled skin and he flinched.

"You're so cold." Kakashi murmured, his gaze softening as he stroked his cheek, an almost unconscious gesture of tenderness. "Let me check your wounds, then you should have some hot tea and-"

"_What_ are you doing?" As though startled from a dream, Iruka jerked backwards, bewilderment made his tone sharper than he intended.

He saw Kakashi freeze, then he slowly retracted his hand and sat back on his heels.

"I…er…I just got back from my mission." He began, sounding uncharacteristically unsure and shaken. "I saw the academy and heard about the explosion…heard you were in it…"

Scratching at the back of his head, he looked away, abashed. "I heard that you were hurt and I just wanted to…_needed_ to see you're all right and…" He trailed off, shoulders drooping with defeat.

Iruka's heart gave an odd little twist; the immense relief that his friend still cared flooded through him.

But the cold fist in his stomach tightened paradoxically at Kakashi's words.

"I don't understand, Kakashi-sensei." His voice was strained. "One day we were friends, the next we were not and now you're back again, taking me home and making me tea."

He eyed the jounin sadly. "Is this some game to you? Are we only friends when you decide that we are? Finally talking to me when you _needed_ to see me?" A note of bitterness crept into his voice as he remembered the frustration of the past month and how desperately he had missed his friend. "And didn't you say you won't bother me anymore?"

"I can't help it, all right?" Kakashi snapped, getting angry as well. "I just _worry_ about you, Iruka!"

Almost immediately, he looked away, embarrassed by his outburst. Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, Kakashi lifted his gaze and looked at him again.

"I'm trying but it'll take me some time before I can stop." He said softly with a wry smile.

Iruka stared at him, his heart suddenly racing. There a raw vulnerability in the dark eye that made his breath catch.

The jounin was watching him, his eye anxious and troubled but his smile was gentle with unspoken affection. Firm and unwavering with a quiet devotion that no matter what Iruka did, the jounin would still care for him.

Something in him broke.

He trembled, humbled and ashamed. Guilt burnt him like a red-hot iron just pulled from the blacksmith's forge.

To his horror, his eyes stung as a wave of self-loathing swept over him. He looked away sharply, swallowing hard as he fought to control his emotions.

"Well, you shouldn't." He said thickly, dismayed that his voice sounded tearful. "You shouldn't care…if only you knew what happened…knew what I-" He broke off, unable to go on.

"Iruka? Are you all right?" Kakashi asked softly, concerned. There was a light touch on his hand. "What do you mean?"

A broken laugh bubbled up his throat and he pressed a hand against his mouth to stop it from turning into a sob. "You really want to make me say it, don't you?"

"I suppose it's only right you're curious, seeing that you weren't there." He said with a cynical smile. "You weren't there to see how I couldn't stop a kunai from a mere _child_, weren't there to see how I couldn't save the kid even when I had my hand _right there_ on his shoulder."

He closed his eyes and bit his lip, his breathing turning ragged. "You know what? They didn't find enough of his remains for the medics to put a body together for his parents…there was only enough to fill a little box." Pressing a hand over his eyes, he choked out a hollow sounding laugh. "A little box."

Kakashi was silent but the pressure on his hand increased.

It only intensified his shame.

Casting the jounin a sidelong glance, he gave him a self-deprecating smile. "So you see, Kakashi-sensei, you shouldn't worry about me, shouldn't worry about these injuries because-" His lips twisted sardonically. "-I _deserve_ them."

"Iruka…"

The schoolteacher gulped and looked away. He couldn't face Kakashi, couldn't bear to hear the quiet concern and sympathy in his voice.

The jounin's presence was a soothing balm on his broken spirit but his kindness was undoing him.

He really didn't want to break down in front of Kakashi.

"And why are _you_, of all people, here?" He sprung to his feet furiously, hands clenching into fists. Mustering every bit of anger he could find, he turned on the startled jounin.

Anger was good. Anger made him feel safe. If he were angry, he wouldn't break down and cry.

"First you wouldn't leave me alone. Then you say you won't bother me anymore. And now you're back and…and…trekking rainwater all over my floor!" He yelled, waving a half-crazed hand at the wet trails between the couch and the kitchen.

The ridiculousness of the statement struck him at the same moment he realized he was shouting.

Kakashi rose to his feet as well, his movements calm and measured. The jounin's eye had gone wide when Iruka had shouted at him, but it was now hooded and emotionless. His expression was shuttered, distant and cold.

Iruka swallowed and sighed, feeling exhausted as his sudden bout of anger drained away. He didn't mean to shout but the tragedy and horrors of the day was getting to him.

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei." He mumbled wretchedly, pressing a hand against his forehead. "Please excuse me, I don't know what I was thinking." Dropping his gaze, he sank weakly onto the couch, clasping his hands together in his lap to stop them from shaking. "Could you give me a moment? I-I think I need to be alone for a while."

Kakashi hesitated, then he turned and retreated into the kitchen.

Iruka closed his eyes wearily. Everything was a mess. He couldn't even do one thing right.

He felt tired, so very tired…

* * *

He woke feeling thirsty and feverish, surprised that he had fallen asleep. The painkillers had worn off, leaving him weak and his wounds hurting fiercely. 

Someone had stretched him out to lie more comfortably on the couch and laid a light blanket over him.

_Someone…Kakashi!_

He leapt to his feet, looking around wildly, staggering as pain shot through him.

But the apartment was dark and empty; the puddles on the floor had all been cleaned up, leaving no trace that anyone had ever been in the room with him. A slice of moonlight illuminated the clock on the wall and it read a couple hours after midnight. The mug of tea on the table had long gone cold.

He was alone.

Iruka laughed mirthlessly at himself and heaved a deep sigh, shaking his head. He finally met the person he had been thinking about, worrying for and yearning to see for the past month…and he had chased him away.

Disheartened, Iruka shuffled listlessly into the kitchen and turned on the lights, glancing around wearily for his medication. He sensed a prickling of Kakashi's chakra and he whirled around expectantly.

There was a covered bowl on the table, shimmering a little with the warming jutsu cast over it. Feeling a little disappointed, Iruka walked over and sat down at the table, picking up the note left on top of the bowl.

_Iruka-sensei,  
I'm sorry I have bothered you tonight and upset you once again. The pills are in the top left drawer. You should probably take them when you wake, but not on an empty stomach.  
Take care,  
Kakashi. _

Iruka's heart constricted as he lowered the note. Judging from the clip apology and detached tone, he knew the jounin didn't want to see him and had gone back to avoiding him again.

Kakashi's chakra signature tingled pleasantly against his fingertips as he dispelled the warming jutsu, warm and familiar, and he tried to hold on to the fleeting feeling even after it had faded.

He lifted the cover and froze when he saw what was in the bowl.

Oatmeal.

Kakashi had made him oatmeal. He had even added a sprinkle of cinnamon on the top, exactly the way he liked it.

Something wet and warm fell on his cheek.

Startled, Iruka raised a hand to his face, surprised to find it was damp with tears. He swallowed hard, his throat ached from holding back tears he did not know had come. Blinking, he wiped hastily at his eyes but it was useless, his vision blurred as the more tears welled.

With a small cry of anguish, he gave up, collapsing against the table. Burying his head in his crossed arms, he broke down completely, letting himself go to sob uncontrollably with all the unabashed abandon of a young child.

There was no one to hear him anyway.


	19. Chapter 19

Many apologies this chapter took so long to write, hope everyone would enjoy it. (smile) I have less time to write these days so I'm afraid this story won't be updated as frequently for a while. (sheepish)  
And because my email bounced back at me when I tried to reply your review,  
To kel: I do plan for a sort of happy ending but there is still a bit more to go through before that…so er, hang in there? (grin)

This story was actually inspired by this song. It's called "Melodies of Life" from Final Fantasy 9. Here's the lyrics if anyone's interested.

"Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark  
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart  
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain  
Melodies of life, love's lost refrain.

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why.  
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.  
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?  
Let them ring out loud till they unfold.  
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me  
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine  
Adding up the layers of harmony  
And so it goes, on and on  
Melodies of life,  
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond.

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by  
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky  
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings  
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings.  
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?  
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine  
Adding up the layers of harmony  
And so it goes, on and on  
Melodies of life,  
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond

If I should leave this lonely world behind  
Your voice will still remember our melody  
Now I know we'll carry on  
Melodies of life  
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts  
As long as we remember."

And now, on with the story.

**Chapter Nineteen**

The fruit tarts, he nodded to himself decisively, he'll get the fruit tarts.

But wait, he hadn't considered the chocolate truffles yet. Or perhaps some mochi. But oh, the bite-sized cheesecakes looked awfully good too…

Iruka sighed and looked up from the display to the girl behind the counter. She smiled expectantly at him, hands clasped in front of her, eager and helpful even though he was taking an exceptionally long time to decide his purchase. It was considered unlucky to be rude to the first customer of the day after all.

"Oh never mind." He mumbled under his breath and gave up on trying to choose which dessert Kakashi would like best. In fact, what he needed was something that said 'I have no idea what's going on but I'm very sorry for shouting, please be my friend again'; they probably didn't have one of those.

He smiled at the girl and gestured to the neat rows of beautifully decorated pastries in the glass display. "Can I have one of everything, please?"

She beamed. "Of course!" With a pair of tongs, she carefully took a piece of each type of delicately crafted confectionary and placed them on a tray. "I suppose you'll want them packed up in a gift box."

"Yes, it's a gift. How did you know?" He asked, surprised.

"You were standing out there an hour before we're even open and took so long deciding what to get." Her smile turned dreamy, looking the way girls always did when they thought of their crush. "It must be for someone special."

Iruka could feel his face growing hot. He scratched lightly at his scar and dropped his gaze in embarrassment. "Uh…well, something like that I guess."

"There you go." She tied the ends of the ribbon around the box into a neat bow and handed it to him. When he gave her the money to pay for it, she pushed a sweet cake into his hand. "On the house," She smiled warmly and winked. "because you look so nervous."

"Wha-? It's not…I mean, I can't-uh…" He spluttered uselessly for a moment, then subsided with a defeated sigh when she giggled. Blushing fiercely, he bowed a few times. "Thank you, miss. Thank you very much."

With gift box clutched in one hand and sweet cake in the other, he walked out into the streets, feeling somewhat dazed. It was shortly after sunrise and the streets were quite empty, with only a few people busy in their stores, pulling up the blinds in their windows and sweeping their front doorstep in preparation for business. But he wanted to be as early as he could, hopeful that he might have a better chance of catching Kakashi this way. Even if the jounin was avoiding him, he didn't think the man would leave his house this early.

Iruka chewed on the sweet cake as he made his way towards Kakashi's apartment, hoping some food would settle the queasiness in his stomach. He was indeed nervous, although not for the reason the girl from the pastry shop had assumed.

He sighed. He hadn't meant to, but he had lost his temper again.

It was no excuse, he knew, but last night he had been exhausted and in pain, teetering on the brink of a complete breakdown with grief and worry. It had made him unfairly harsh on his dear friend who had been nothing but kind and thoughtful, bursting out in irrational anger at the man when he was only trying to help.

The bite of sweet cake tasted like ash in his mouth and even after he swallowed, it sat uneasily in his gut that was already heavy with guilt. Grimacing, he wrapped the rest up and put it away.

His apprehension grew as he turned down the street and Kakashi's apartment building came into view. Iruka shook his head and squared his shoulders. He was still a little hurt and confused about what happened over his journal but he wasn't going to mull over it any longer.

He truly cared a lot about Kakashi. He didn't want to lose him, lose their friendship that had grown to be so precious to him.

It was easy enough to lose someone in their line of work.

Determined, Iruka took a deep breath, letting the rain-chilled air fill his lungs and lift his spirits. Pale morning sunshine sparkled off the puddles on the ground and glistened off the wet leaves on the trees. Everything looked wonderfully clean and fresh after the rain last night.

He broke into a soft smile. It felt like a good sign, a sense of renewal that calmed him and lit a small spark of hope in his chest. Just as the rain made everything seem alright again, perhaps it was not so impossible for them to mend their friendship as well, wiping the slate clean and starting over again.

His hold tightened on the peace offering in his hand as he put a little more speed into his stride. Though muted by drugs, his wounds still ached dully as he walked down the street and screamed agony at him when he started climbing the stairs; but after a couple of hours of sleep and a hot bath, he was feeling much better. It helped that he had popped into the hospital earlier and saw his relief reflected in Kotetsu's grin, when he found his friend sitting beside a heavily bandaged but peacefully sleeping Izumo.

Slightly out of breath from the walk up the stairs, he arrived at Kakashi's apartment and after a moment of nervous hesitation, he gathered his courage and knocked firmly. But there was no answer. Frowning, he tried again several times and met with little success.

Now what? He pressed his lips together as he regarded the door, surprised that the jounin would be out so early in the day. Naruto was always complaining the Copynin was habitually late to meet them in the mornings after all. Could it be that he never went home last night?

Iruka bit his lip worriedly, then huffed out a short sigh. It was alright, he'll just wait for the jounin.

After all, he had all the time in the world to do that. The doctors had given him a week off to recuperate at home from his injuries and with the academy in shambles, classes were likely to be put on hold for a while anyway. Besides, he felt reasonably well at the moment; he had just taken a dose of painkillers and there were more in his pocket if he needed them.

With teeth gritted in determination, Iruka allowed himself a small, resolute smile.

In fact, he planned on sitting there on Kakashi's doorstep all week if he had to. If that was what it took to get to see his friend and talk to him, he would do it. He didn't believe the jounin could stay away from his home for so long.

Turning away from the door, he braced himself for the pain that was sure to come as he awkwardly tried to sit down on the ground.

"Looking for someone, young man?"

He looked up and straightened, trying not to wince. "Mako-baasan." He smiled.

Kakashi's elderly neighbour appeared to be on her way out to the market. Her snowy white hair was knotted into a tight bun at the back of her head and a shopping basket hung from the crook of her arm. She set the basket down and pressed her reading glasses to her face, squinting through the thick lenses.

"Oh! It's Iruka-sensei!" She beamed when she recognized him. Her deep-set eyes were almost squeezed shut by the vibrancy of her smile.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you! I heard about the explosion-I mean who in this village hadn't I wonder! And my first thought was 'Oh my, I sure hope that nice Iruka-sensei is all right'…" Releasing her glasses to let them dangle from the cord around her neck, she tottered up to him and patted her wizened hands over his arms, the wrinkles on her face deepening as she looked at him in concern. "Are you all right, dear boy?"

Iruka laughed, blushing a bit at all the attention. He bent down slightly to smile warmly at her. "I'm quite well, please don't worry."

Although hunched over with age and shriveled like a prune, Mako-baasan was one feisty old lady. Stooped over like that, she stood only a little past his waist but her diminutive size belied a cheerful exuberance that at times, seemed a bit odd for her age. Iruka smiled as he recalled their first meeting, he had been quite taken aback by her garrulousness. Who knew one little old lady could talk so much and so excitedly, for so long?

But he saw the old lady often in the past month when he had been dropping by daily to see if Kakashi was home. At first, she was rather surprised to discover he did not remember her anymore. Apparently, he used to visit Kakashi frequently before the surgery and knew her well. But she brushed off his apologies and was quick to renew their acquaintance, chatting cheerfully until Iruka forgot his awkwardness. Now, she was like a doting grandmother to him and Iruka found himself growing fonder of her each day.

"Are you here to visit Kakashi-kun again?" She pursed her lips in disapproval. "He must still be away on a mission. That silly boy…taking so many missions lately, even _I_ don't see him much anymore."

Iruka bit back a smile that she was chastising one of the most powerful shinobi as though he were a mere child. But he felt a pang of guilt, knowing the reason Kakashi was accepting so many assignments.

"He's back from his latest one in any case, I just saw him last night." He shook his head. "I didn't think he would be out so early in the day."

"Don't you know? He always go _that place_ in the mornings if he is in the village." At Iruka's blank look, she continued. "You know, the memorial."

"Oh, um…I see." Iruka cleared his throat uncomfortably. Kakashi's quiet, subdued manner after Ryuu's death rose unbidden in his mind and he quickly turned his thoughts to something else. It made him uneasy to hear about Kakashi's private life like this. It felt like prying, listening to things which the jounin had obviously not been prepared to share with him.

Even worse, it hit him with an intense shot of inferiority, a deep feeling of inadequacy and shame that he did not know his friend as well as he should.

And he had no idea how to remedy it.

Miserably, he cast about for some other topic when Mako-baasan spoke again. "Is that for him?" She pointed at the gift box, beautifully wrapped in leaf-patterned paper and silver ribbons. "What a good friend you are, bringing him something nice to cheer him on with all the hard work he had to do lately."

The anxious knot in his gut curled up a little tighter. "Actually, no. I haven't been a good friend." He averted his gaze, shaking his head. "I lost my temper…said a lot of things I shouldn't have…and I-"

"Now, now. There's no need to look so troubled." She patted his hand encouragingly. "Quarrels happen between people all the time but it's the true friends who can work past their differences and patch things up again."

With a wise, understanding smile, she dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "And I'll have you know, I haven't seen a pair of truer friends, dear boy."

Iruka smiled, comforted by her words. "Thank you, Mako-baasan." He said, giving her stick-like hands a warm squeeze in gratitude. "But I'm afraid even this true friend needs a little help to patch things up." He grinned, trying for a light-hearted tone as he jiggled the box in his hand. "And that's what all these yummy pastries from that famous bakery down the street is for."

"Oh dear." Her head tilted to one side in a look of surprise that melted into a look of sympathy. "Don't you know Kakashi-kun doesn't like sweets?"

Whatever courage Iruka managed to garner wilted, crawled into a crack and promptly died.

His face fell. "Some friend, huh?" He said bitterly, his fist clenching tight at the familiar wave of self-loathing and disappointment. "Not knowing something so simple, getting something as easy as this wrong."

"Iruka-sensei." Mako's raspy voice was kind. "It's not your fault. You used to know, you just don't remember now." She gave him another one of her bright, beaming smiles. "Besides, what you get him doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts, right?"

"Sure." He smiled back weakly, surreptitiously looking around for a place to dump the gift before he could embarrass himself further. Maybe he could dash out and get something else before Kakashi came back…

"Why, there he is now. Kakashi-kun! Look who's here to visit you!"

Iruka jumped and whirled around, hiding the box behind his back as quickly as he could, his heart pounding.

Kakashi stood on the stairway, one foot poised on the topmost step, a look of shock and-to Iruka's dismay-utter fear frozen on his face as he stared at him. For a moment, he looked as though he would retreat down the stairs and run away, so great was his desire to avoid Iruka.

But he recovered himself quickly when Mako called out once more, sounding impatient. "Kakashi-kun! Come here now. What are you standing over there like a stump for?"

The emotions smoothed off his masked face and his uncovered eye crinkled up to a crescent with a happy smile. "Ah….good morning, Mako-baasan." He ambled casually over to them and dipped his head respectfully to the old lady, then slid a disinterested glance at him. "Iruka-sensei."

Iruka bit his lip, his heart constricting at the cool indifference in the greeting. The honorific hung off the end of his name like a mockery.

"Kakashi-sensei." He mumbled wretchedly, unable to look at the jounin, his fingers digging into the box he clutched behind his back.

Mako eyed the two of them and shook her head at his discomfited silence and Kakashi's almost hostile one. "Well, I'm off to the market now." Picking up the wicker basket, she huffed resolutely. "You boys be nice to each other, you hear?" She gave Kakashi a pointed look although her words were meant for them both.

After her faltering footsteps on the stairs had faded and they were finally alone, Kakashi pushed past him towards his apartment door. "Been telling tales about me to old ladies behind my back, haven't you, Iruka-sensei?"

He started, eyes going wide. "No! I wasn't! I'm only here to-"

Kakashi wasn't even listening. He had unlocked his front door and was pushing it open, moving to enter his apartment with a lazy nonchalance as though Iruka wasn't even there.

Desperate, Iruka caught his arm. "Kakashi-sensei!"

The jounin paused but didn't turn around. "What do you want, Iruka-sensei?" His voice was as cold as the first frost of winter and stung just as bad.

A knot rose to his throat and he licked his lips nervously. He tugged hesitantly on his friend's arm and when he met with no resistance, he pulled Kakashi around to face him. "I just want to talk to you, please. And to apologize…" He gazed at the jounin's impassive face and his heart sank.

"I'm very sorry." He stammered, letting go of his arm to bow low to his friend. "I know it's no excuse, I behaved badly last night…but with everything that happened yesterday, I was tired and out of sorts…I-I'm really sorry for shouting at you." He broke off before he started to repeat himself and bowed again with great sincerity.

Kakashi crossed his arms and leaned one shoulder indolently against the doorframe as he regarded him coolly. "Maa, that is fascinating indeed." He replied pleasantly. "But I do wonder what in the world made you think _I_ would be interested to know."

"Please, I-"

"There is no need for apologies." The jounin interrupted, smiling in a way that made Iruka feel ill in his stomach. "It is perfectly understandable, Iruka-sensei." He held up an instructive finger. "It's called shell-shock. We see it all the time in the field when missions go horribly wrong."

His voice turned snide with false sympathy. "Of course, a _chunin_ such as yourself, who had _so_ _little _experience and skill, would naturally be so badly affected."

He smiled his bored, lazy smile once more. "Don't blame yourself, Iruka-sensei. Anyone as _weak_ as you would have behaved just the same under those circumstances."

Iruka stared at Kakashi, mouth agape in shock. The words struck him like a blow; he felt weak with shock and found he could hardly draw his next breath.

He could only stare at Kakashi, hardly able to believe that his dear, kind friend would be saying such callous things in that horribly condescending tone. The jounin was watching him calmly through his half-lidded eye, his expression was one of detached amusement mingled with barely concealed disdain.

An angry retort rose automatically to the tip of his tongue at the veiled insult, but Iruka made himself take a deep breath and swallowed it.

If the months of friendship with Kakashi was nothing but some twisted game the jounin had invented, it had at least taught him something of this bizarre behavior. Just as he tended to become angry and yelled when he was distressed, Kakashi became quiet, cold and distant when he was upset. When pushed, the jounin would even say some truly cutting things, mean and spiteful, with no other intention than to cruelly wound another's feelings.

It should come as no surprise. After all, he had experienced it first hand when they had quarreled at the chunin exam nominations assembly. Time had just made him forget how unkind the Copynin could be when he made up his mind to be.

But knowing the reason behind the cruel words did not lessen the hurt they dealt to his heart.

Nor did it stop the tears stinging his eyes.

Iruka bit his lip and looked away, blinking hard as he struggled to compose himself.

"Look, I really do want to apologize for my behavior last night." He said when he was finally able to look at Kakashi once more, hiding his anguish behind a forced smile. The dark eye stared back dispassionately, without a shred of emotion, but he mastered his courage and pressed on.

"Please, I sincerely hope we can still be friends-" His voice faltered. "I-I've missed you."

Kakashi laughed. Easing himself away from the doorframe with a lazy grace, he shook his head in an amused sort of way. "My my, aren't you persistent?"

"Iruka-sensei, perhaps I should have explained myself better." He said patiently, as though teaching something simple to an unusually slow child. "It was all a mistake."

"A mistake?" His throat was tight.

"A mistake." Kakashi agreed. "Because you see, I mistook you for someone else."

The jounin sighed, the dark eye wandered over his features, considering. "You look exactly like him, walk like him, talk like him, even laugh that same wonderful laugh like him…but you're not him." He smiled, with a touch of sadness. "Not anymore."

"That person used to make miso soup with eggplant for me even though he hated the dish. That person let me drag him away for an afternoon in the park when it meant he would have to stay up late to finish grading the children's homework."

"And most importantly, that person loved me."

"So you see, Iruka-sensei, it is not your fault you no longer remember what I used to mean to you." The jounin went on lightly. "Likewise, it's not my fault that I didn't realize sooner that you are no longer the person I loved."

Iruka swallowed hard, frustrated, lost and falling deeper into despair that Kakashi was still wrapped up with what allegedly happened between them in the past. "You're my friend! You mean a lot to me _now_." He stared beseechingly at his friend. "And I thought…I mean, last night…"

"Ah…last night." Kakashi rolled his eye and scratched at the back of his head with a sheepish smile. "Maa, another mistake. The news about the explosion was simply dreadful, I forgot myself for a moment and acted before I remembered you are not him-"

"-and so there's no reason for me to care."

Iruka opened his mouth to reply but shut it again when he didn't know what to say. There was a tight band constricting around his chest and to his confusion, tears were gathering in his eyes once more.

"So we can't even be friends?" His voice sounded small and shaky.

Kakashi nodded, shrugging his shoulders carelessly. "I'm afraid not, Iruka-sensei. Surely you understand? Since you aren't that person I thought you were, I don't see the point of associating with you any longer."

"I've promised I won't bother you anymore and I hope you'll grant me the same courtesy-" The lone eye crinkled up into a smile that had just the slightest edge of warning in it. "-and leave me alone."

Before he could react, the jounin stepped back into his apartment in one smooth stride and shut the door in his face.

The finality of the door clicking in place broke Iruka's heart.

"Kakashi, _please_…" He lurched forward, bracing one palm against the cool wood, not caring that his voice cracked, thick with suppressed tears.

But there was no answer.

* * *

Kakashi sighed and leaned back silently against the door. He had not expected to see Iruka this morning. The chunin had been hurt in the explosion; he had expected him to sleep until noon and rest at home for the rest of the day. 

"_Kakashi, please…"_ Iruka's voice was a bit muffled by the wood but the despair and longing in it was heartrending.

He closed his eyes, trying not to think of how pale and unwell Iruka had looked, trying not to hear the uneven footsteps in the corridor as Iruka limped away after a moment, trying not to remember the way the wide hazel eyes had held so much hurt, growing red-rimmed with rising tears.

Iruka, injured and distraught, who should be resting at home, had gotten up especially early to come and see him. Good-natured Iruka had come to apologize for an outburst he had no control over, to restore their friendship he clearly treasured, to try and fix this mess the chunin didn't even begin to understand.

And he had taken Iruka's heart in his hands and ruthlessly crushed it.

He had almost relented when he saw the hopeful light died in the brown eyes at his cruel words, almost agreed to be friends with the chunin again at the tearful hitch in his voice.

But he couldn't do that. If he did, he knew for certain, it would only lead to more pain.

Opening his eyes, he stared blankly around his room, trying to pull himself together. The mission room would be open by now for him to pick up a new assignment. Or perhaps Tsunade would send for him shortly to do a classified mission. With the unexpected attack hitting the academy, the Hokage must be desperate to locate the enemy and contain the danger.

His gaze settled on the ledge by the window. Lying next to the two photographs of the people-both past and present-he had cared for was the small charm Iruka had given him. Moving over, he cradled it in his palm for a moment, running a finger over the coloured beads and the kanji character for luck carved out of sandalwood contemplatively.

Then, he hardened his heart, curled his hand into a fist around the trinket and with a swift surge of chakra, crushed it to dust.

_Forgive me, Beloved…for this is the only way I can move on._


	20. Chapter 20

Thank you all so much for the reviews! They really help motivate me to write when there's so little time to these days. (smile) This chapter is still kind of depressing, but hope everyone would enjoy it.  
And because my email bounced back at me or you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Mel-Mel1: I'm glad you found the characterization believable since it's the thing I try hardest to get right…although I feel that it sometimes make me neglect the plot a bit. (wince)  
To kel:Yeah...it pains me to keep these two apart. (sniffles too) But it's an angsty story so…(sigh) I'm glad you're enjoying though.

And now…

**Chapter Twenty**

Time went on, as time always did, inexorably dragging its feet as it moved on day after day. The seasons turned; days growing shorter, the nights longer. And all too soon, the first chill of winter had settled over Konoha.

Iruka sighed and knotted the scarf more securely around his neck as he stepped out of his home, wincing at the bite of the cold morning air. The sky was cloudy above and the sunrise cast a weak half-light over the village. It made the sad, leafless trees standing silently along the sides of the streets look even more forlorn.

Tired, dreary and grey.

Exactly the way he felt these days, he thought with a wry smile.

Although the village seemed well, the incident with the explosive tags had distressed everyone to some extent. There was an undercurrent of anxiety thrumming through Konoha, an intangible feeling of unrest lurking behind every worried face and every nervous whisper. It was like an oppressive pressure that preceded a big thunderstorm, stifling the village.

The tension had gotten to the children as well. Shaken by the explosion and unsettled by the mood they sensed that was affecting the village, they were rowdier than usual. Iruka sighed as he recalled the past few months. The teachers were determined not to let the incident disrupt the final term. But with the academy building in ruins, they had been hard pressed to organize students into temporary classrooms. Between the less than satisfactory settings and badly behaved students, it had truly been a nightmare.

Still, they had pulled through. Despite the bleak, wintry feeling that was weighing down on him, Iruka allowed himself a small smile. The exams were all graded and returned, newly minted genin assigned into their teams and handed over to their jounin instructors. He loved to teach but with the difficult circumstances, he was relieved that his work at the academy was done for the year.

Iruka took a deep breath and tried on a smile. Things aren't so bad, he told himself, determined to face the start of a new day with better spirits. With his hands plunged into the pockets of his coat for warmth, he broke into a brisk walk towards the administrative building to start his shift in the mission room.

_Perhaps Kakashi might even show up to hand in a report today…_

Iruka blinked, then almost laughed at his own thoughts.

It was pathetic, really. He had not seen the Copynin for several months now, but his thoughts still turned involuntarily to him, several times a day.

With the attack on the academy, Kakashi must have been summoned to work directly under the Hokage. He no longer checked in with the mission room and his activity was not recorded on any of their rosters. Like many other highly skilled jounin, he received classified missions from and reported only to Tsunade herself.

Iruka bit his lip as he plodded along. Although he had not seen Kakashi for months, thoughts of the jounin were never far from his mind. He often wondered if Kakashi was well, worried that the classified missions meant more dangerous work for him. The sight of the front gates always made him think of the way Kakashi had looked, holding up his book in one hand and slouching with a casual charm against the fence as he waited for the chunin to join him for dinner. He would remember how Kakashi had looked up when Iruka had called his name, the uncovered eye lighting up for a brief instant before crinkling up, smiling with such earnest delight as if Iruka's mere presence was a source of endless joy to him.

And when he lay in bed at night, listening to the howling winds rattle at his windows, Iruka lost himself in memories of the jounin's little thoughtful gestures of kindness, the hint of bashful affection that touched every one of his masked smiles, and the glorious warm feeling of companionship that sent a pleasant tingle right down to his toes whenever he met the single dark-eyed gaze.

Iruka sighed, hunching his shoulders and drawing coat more tightly around himself. He really missed Kakashi very much.

Some days, it made him resentful, angry that Kakashi had schemed to come close to him, weaseling his way into his life to claim the position of his dearest friend, only to leave him bereft like this.

Other days, he was angry with himself. It was all his fault for not knowing what to do to make Kakashi happy, for not being able to get an appropriate gift for him even when he tried, and for disappointing the jounin time and again when he failed to understand what Kakashi expected of him.

But mostly, he felt lost. Lost and miserable, plagued by a deep, uncomfortable feeling that an important part of him was missing. He had no idea what it was, much less how to get it back. This nameless emotion seeped through him, stealing around his heart, filling him with such terrible yearning for _something_ that he ached deep down to his bones.

Yet, there was painfully little he could do about it. Iruka kicked at a pebble absently as he walked along. He could hardly approach the jounin again after being told so plainly that his presence was not welcomed.

The stairs leading to the mission room loomed up in front of him and he was startled to realize he was distracted by his thoughts again. He rolled his eyes and huffed out an irritated sigh, pushing the useless thoughts away.

For all his lackadaisical behavior, Kakashi was strong-minded in his own way. No amount of yearning or wishful thinking was going to get his friend back.

Iruka shook his head. Kakashi was right; it was all a mistake. The surgery had changed him, changed the way things were between them. Without the memories of those precious months, he could not be the good friend for Kakashi the way the jounin remembered him to be. It was a mistake to think they could reforge that close bond, recapture their cherished friendship.

After all, he thought with a defeated sigh, it's never the same the second time round.

He opened the door and stepped inside, shutting it as quickly as he could behind him to keep the cold out. Shizune was setting a stack of reports the Hokage had read and stamped on the desk. She turned and greeted him with a smile. "Good morning, Iruka-sensei."

Iruka felt his lips lifting into a smile despite his earlier mood. It was difficult to feel down around the sweet, cheerful young woman.

"Good morning to you too, Shizune-san." He shrugged out of his coat and hung it on the rack by the door. "Are those the reports to be filed?"

"Yes they are, but I can file them." At his confused expression, she gestured towards the Hokage's office. "Tsunade-sama would like to see you. I'll cover your shift for you."

"Oh, I see. Thank you." He adjusted his hitai-ate self-consciously, wondering what the village leader wanted him for.

Chewing on his lower lip worriedly, he made his way down the corridor. Could it be that one of his students was in trouble? Or more likely, causing trouble for his or her new jounin instructor and teammates? He frowned. Or maybe it's Naruto…was the boy hurt or in some danger…

Iruka clamped down on his thoughts before they could turn any more ominous and reduce him to a bundle of anxious nerves. Still, he felt rather apprehensive as he rapped smartly on the office door. He waited for her to bid him to enter before opening the door and dipped his head respectfully. "You wanted to see me, Tsunade-sama?"

The legendary healer was seated behind the huge oak desk, idly going through the paperwork spread out in front of her. "Ah, Iruka." She glanced up from the document she was reading. "Give me a moment to finish this, but come in and close the door."

He did as he was told and stood at attention in front of her desk, his anxiety ebbing a little. Tsunade did not seem displeased or harried, suggesting that whatever she wanted to see him for wasn't too grave or urgent.

Writing the last character on the page, she set the finished document aside and turned her full attention on him. Without a word, she propped her elbows on the table, resting her chin on her folded hands and sat watching him almost contemplatively. It was vaguely uncomfortable to be regarded so closely by that calm gold gaze but Iruka steeled himself and faced it staunchly.

"Tell me." She said without preamble. "Is there something going on between you and Kakashi?"

"What?" His reply came out as a startled yelp. Of all the reasons he was expecting to be summoned to the Hokage's office for, this one had never even crossed his mind. He cleared his throat uneasily, unsure of what to say. "Uh well…not exactly."

The perfectly curved brows dipped slightly with a frown at his evasive answer. "Then what _exactly_ is it?"

"We…er…that is, Kakashi-sensei and I-" He stammered, scratching at the scar across his nose as he dropped his gaze awkwardly. Already, he could feel a warm blush spreading across his face.

How was he going to explain _that_ to the Hokage? How could he tell her Kakashi thought they were once in love? It was so ridiculous, so impossible a concept, she would think he was joking with her, being rude or worse, that it was an act of insubordination.

He groaned inwardly and despaired. "We had an argument." He said, raising his eyes to look at her at last.

Tsunade lifted a questioning eyebrow at him, clearly waiting for him to elaborate.

He gulped. "Kakashi-sensei seems to think that we were uh-" Blushing hotly, he chose his words carefully. "-that we were once romantically involved."

He expected Tsunade to be surprised, or amused, or angered or to have a million other reactions to his answer. But to his amazement, she merely pursed her lips and nodded thoughtfully. "That would explain a lot."

It was all a little…anti-climatic.

"If I may ask, Tsunade-sama, explain what?"

"I don't usually meddle in the personal lives of others, but I've noticed Kakashi hasn't been himself lately." She shook her head and sighed. "And it's making me a little worried."

His heart constricted with a sharp spike of concern. "What's wrong? Is he alright?"

"There's nothing visibly wrong, per se." She tapped a painted fingernail against the table thoughtfully. "But he's been pushing himself a bit too hard, taking more missions than he should. He even volunteered for missions in addition to those I've assigned him."

"And when he isn't on missions, he is training. He says he's working on something with the Sharingan but the brat refuses to tell me more." Her eyes flashed angrily although Iruka could detect the underlying worry in her voice. "That eye is not his own, I'm surprised it's even tolerated to have lasted so long. But it places a constant strain on his body. He really shouldn't be tinkering with it, that idiot!"

Taking a meditative breath, she calmed down a little. "I won't stop him since these are dangerous times for our village, and I do need someone of his caliber to do the missions." She admitted quietly. "We'll need him to be better with the Sharingan too to deal with Itachi if that traitor ever shows up around here again. But it's the fifth time he's admitted to the hospital this month and I really don't like it."

Iruka swallowed hard, growing alarmed with every word the healer had said until his anxiety had escalated into a tight painful knot that lodged like a rock in his gut.

His first instinct was to run to where the jounin was and stay with him until his friend got over what was troubling him, but the cold words and callous attitude from their last encounter left him wondering if his presence would even make any difference to Kakashi. The sight of him would probably only annoy the jounin more.

"I wish I know what troubles Kakashi-sensei but I'm afraid I can't be of much help." He shook his head. "Kakashi-sensei has made it quite clear that he does not want to associate with me. In fact, we have not seen each other for months."

Tsunade gave him a wry smile. "It's you, Iruka." There was a twinkle in her eyes as though she was amused that he could miss such an obvious fact. "_You_ are the reason Kakashi is troubled."

"Me? No, it can't be…" He blinked, totally flabbergasted by the idea. "I mean, I did precisely as he told me to and left him alone. It must be something else."

She gave him a pointed look. "He called out for you when he was delirious from drugs a few nights ago."

"But, he-I…Oh." He flushed, embarrassed and baffled at the small surge of irrational joy that ran through him.

The Hokage was kind enough to ignore his fit of discomfiture. Instead, her mouth tightened and she went on grimly. "It could mean nothing but it could also indicate the beginnings of something serious."

"I can't say I've watched Kakashi grow up, but I was around for a large part of his childhood and it really wasn't an easy one." Clasping her hands together on the desk, she smiled sadly although her tone was coolly clinical. "He has lost a lot of people that were dear to him and that sort of tragedy occurring over and over again so young in life can be rather damaging to the person's psyche."

She nodded at him. "From what I can tell, you are the closest friend he had in a very long time and when you became ill, it affected Kakashi a lot." She sighed and hesitated, deliberating over her words as though reluctant to say them. "Perhaps the fear of losing yet another loved one might have been too much for him to bear."

Iruka's eyes widened. "You think he's gone mad."

Tsunade winced. "No, not _mad_ perhaps." She coughed delicately. "Just a little delusional. What with going through a coma from Itachi's attack and the emotional strain of Team 7's disbandment, the stress of almost losing you could finally be too much and may have confused his mind." She explained. "It may have made him think that the relationship between the two of you was more than it actually was."

The tight knot of anxiety in his stomach lurched up and closed an icy fist around his heart. He stared at the healer, his mind whirling.

If everything the jounin had done was not for a joke. If he had insisted they were once in love, going so far as to steal his notebook to write down those things as a means to further his delusions, because the poor man had genuinely believed that it had really happened.

The jounin was ill; he couldn't help himself. And Iruka had been cruel to get angry with him for it.

Iruka bit his lip, feeling almost nauseated with guilt.

_Kakashi…_

"Is there anything I can do to help, Tsunade-sama?" He stepped forward, bracing his hands on her desk earnestly, forgetting himself for a moment in his fit of anxious concern for the jounin.

The Hokage huffed out a short laugh. "Don't get so worried, Iruka." She waved a hand to calm his distress but she smiled approvingly at his sincerity. "Just try to be friends with Kakashi again, talk to him. After he's gotten used to the idea that you won't be dying on him any time soon, his mind would sort itself out and realize all this nonsense of you two being in love is just a figment of his imagination."

"But he's been avoiding me, he may not agree to see me."

"Well, the brat hasn't got a choice." There was a rather unladylike snort as her gaze hardened. "He's at the hospital now so he can't hide from you. Go there and knock some sense into him."

He cast her a doubtful look. Kakashi seemed deeply entrenched in his delusions, he hardly think he could talk the man out of it so easily. But he was going to try, the mere thought of the jounin ill or in pain just made him want to do something to help him. Besides, it gave him an excuse to see his friend.

He wanted to see Kakashi so very much.

With that, he gave her a wan smile and nodded. "I'll try my best, Tsunade-sama."


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks for all your reviews and opinions on the latest "twist" in the plot. Although it is unfortunate that no one believes Kakashi that they were once together, I think making Iruka believe it has never been very important for him. He realizes that the connection they have in the present time is what really counts; the past is past, and even if they have their memories intact, people can still grow apart if they lose that emotional bond with each other. Still, he's tried so hard and for so long without success, he's given up…but he's just having some difficulty moving on. (sigh)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: I'm glad to see you're all caught up by the drama of this story. (grin) Like someone commented before, this fic has potential to be a soapie on TV.  
To Aliria: Yeah, it's an angsty story…but I do intend for it all to lead somewhere. (smile)

And now, back to the story…

**Chapter Twenty-One**

_I'm actually just passing through and saw your name on the medical roster, so thought I'd just drop by._

Iruka rolled his eyes as he strode past the hospital reception area, heading for the stairway.

_Why hello, Kakashi-sensei! Fancy meeting you here!_

Iruka winced at that one and turned at the top of the stairs, starting down the corridor towards the wards.

_Tsunade thought you might be going loony and told me to come talk you out of it. _

Iruka groaned and shook his head.

No, no and definitely _no_.

Before he could think up any more possible openings he could use to greet Kakashi and broach the disconcerting purpose of his visit, he had arrived at the jounin's hospital room.

Staring at the door before him, Iruka rested a palm against the varnished wood and hesitated, trying to work up the courage to enter the room. He swallowed nervously, clutching the flask of soup he had made more tightly in his hand. Taking a deep breath, he squared his shoulders and pushed the door open slowly.

He almost laughed when he peered into the room. Of all the scenarios he had pictured as he geared himself up to seeing Copynin again, he had failed to consider the most likely one.

Kakashi was asleep.

Iruka's lips curled into a soft smile as he slipped into the room, closing the door gently behind him to avoid waking the man. But his smile faded as he made his way quietly to stand by the bedside and looked down on the pale, sleeping face of his friend.

Kakashi lay very still on the hospital bed, his lean frame slack and so deeply asleep with either drugs or fatigue he did not even stir as Iruka drew near. Messy silver hair tumbled disheveled over his closed eyes, stirring gently with every deep, even breath he took. Weak sunlight flittered through the partly drawn shades and illuminated his face. There were deep shadows under his eyes and the scarred one looked slightly swollen and tender.

He had lost weight, Iruka noted with a pang.

Kakashi was thinner than he remembered. Even with most of his features concealed by the mask, the jounin's cheeks appeared hollowed and gaunt, the dark fabric of his mask stretching over the prominent slant of his cheekbones. He looked more exhausted and worn than he had ever seen him; no wonder Tsunade was worried.

There were faint lines around his closed eyes and in his brow, signs of pain and a deep sadness that even sleep could not entirely erase.

Iruka breathed out a soft sigh, his heart constricting as he crept closer to study him, wishing he could soothe away the sorrow that was troubling his friend so. To help him, protect him, even if both his help and friendship were unwanted.

One hand lay curled on the blanket, wrapped to the forearm in white bandages. It brought a wry smile to his lips.

_He's hurt his hand again._ Iruka shook his head ruefully, remembering how he had sat by Kakashi's side and held the same poor abused hand a few months ago.

He reached out and almost touched the bandaged hand when he caught himself. As though woken from a trance, he blinked and drew back.

The room was very quiet, they were very alone, and it suddenly struck him there was something distinctly tender and intimate about watching Kakashi sleep like this.

He looked away uncomfortably, embarrassed and uncertain about what to do in such a situation.

In the end, he picked up the thermos of soup and backed slowly out of the room, shutting the door as carefully as when he first entered. Then, he breathed out a slow breath, steadied himself and knocked firmly before swinging the door open once more.

As he had intended, Kakashi was roused by the sound and was blinking sleep out of his eyes as he stepped back into the room. But when he realized who was at the door, the jounin started, mismatched eyes widening as he tensed as though to sit up.

Their gaze met and for a long moment, neither said a word.

Propped up on an elbow, Kakashi stared openly at him, drinking in the sight of him like cool water after a terrible drought. In that unguarded moment between sleep and full wakefulness, his emotions skimmed close to the surface and reflected unchecked in his eyes.

There was an honest, desperate longing in that gaze that made Iruka's stomach do a funny flip, thinking that perhaps…just _perhaps_, Kakashi had wanted to see him as much as he had wanted to see the jounin.

But the moment passed and with deliberate nonchalance, Kakashi looked away. The eyes shuttered, expression melting off the masked face as though it was never present.

The jounin didn't even bother sitting up fully, instead, brushed a careless hand through his rumpled hair as he lay back in bed languidly in an open show of disrespect. He cast Iruka a lazy glance.

"If you're visiting someone, Iruka-sensei, I'm afraid you've got the wrong room." He drawled, his tone cool and uncaring.

Iruka narrowed his eyes, undeterred. "On the contrary, Kakashi-sensei," He announced primly as he strode into the room. "I have the right room because it's _you_ I've come to visit."

Then, seeking to prevent their conversation from escalating to an argument, he gentled his tone. "Look, I don't know what's happened between us…we were such good friends." He sighed as he gazed searchingly into his eyes, trying to convey all the affection and concern he had for the jounin.

Kakashi laced his hands lazily behind his head and said nothing, watching him with casual disinterest. The eyes looking out from under half-closed lids were dark and unreadable, without a single shred of emotion.

His heart clenched, pained by the cold indifference, but Iruka bit his lip and went on. "I worry about you, especially when…" He dropped his gaze, fumbling for the right words to say.

Finding none, he shook his head dismissively and firmed his chin. Put on his best cheerful smile, he took a deep breath and began anew.

"Anyway, I heard you aren't feeling very well lately. It's unusual even for you to be admitted to the hospital this much. If I didn't know better, I'll say this is some sort of strange challenge you have with Gai-sensei." He beamed with forced brightness as he chattered on. If Kakashi was determined to keep up his apathetic silence, then he was going to try to exude enough cheer for the both of them.

"Would you like some soup?" He fussed with the thermos flask he had brought, stoically ignoring the dark calculating gaze of the jounin lying in bed, following his every move. "I'm afraid it's not very good but I just made it before I came and so it's still hot." He smiled warmly at his taciturn companion. "Sometimes having something hot to drink can make you feel so much better, don't you think so, Kakashi-sensei?"

"You've been talking to Tsunade."

Iruka paused in the middle of pouring out the soup from the flask. With a sigh, he set down the half-filled bowl and faced Kakashi grimly. "Yes I have."

Sarcasm flickered in his voice. "Ah…and the old lady thought she'll send you to cure me."

"Yes-I mean, no! Er…it's just, Tsunade-sama is worried about you." He stammered, then added more quietly. "_I'm_ worried about you."

"There's nothing to be worried about." Kakashi spread his arms, his eyes crinkling up into a smile. "As you can see, I'm perfectly fine."

"No, you're not." He shot back, hands balling into fists, growing annoyed by his blasé attitude but trying his best to control his temper. "Just look at you! You're obviously not taking care of yourself, making yourself sick, overworking like some stupid zealous rookie jounin eager to prove himself on his first day, stubbornly wasting away for some silly delusions and-"

Iruka snapped his mouth shut, horrified by what he had just said.

He had come to visit Kakashi because he was genuinely worried for the man, hoping that he could do something-however small-for the jounin he cherished as his dearest friend. He hadn't come to lecture him, much less accuse him of anything, or imply that whatever ailed him was the jounin's own fault.

But it was as though once he had started, he couldn't stop himself. All his concern, frustration and nerve-wrecking anxieties for Kakashi had tumbled out with his words, making his tone sharper than he intended, snowballing as he spoke until it became something unforgivable and painfully harsh.

He rested a hand on the edge of the table and clutched it tightly to steady himself. "Forgive me, Kakashi-sensei, I-"

"Hn. Delusions, eh?" There was wry amusement in Kakashi's voice as rolled the word over his tongue, tasting it like a fine wine, completely unruffled. He chuckled humorlessly. "Maa, I guess that means Tsunade thinks I'm losing my mind."

"You…er…" Iruka shook his head miserably. Between Kakashi's surprisingly calm reaction to the healer's diagnosis and his blunt statement of the awkward issue, he could hardly come up with an appropriate response.

"Ah Iruka-sensei, if that is all our esteemed leader is afraid of, you can tell her not to worry." He told him airily, waving a hand in careless dismissal. "I'm in perfect control of _all_ my mental faculties."

Holding his bandaged hand up against the background of the ceiling, Kakashi splayed his fingers and stared at his injured hand contemplatively for a moment.

"And this," His voice was oddly quiet and hollow, as though he was speaking to himself and had forgotten Iruka was in the room. "This is just a phase. I've experienced losses before so I know. This is just another loss, a normal reaction to yet another loss." He looked directly at him and smiled bracingly. "So don't worry. If I'm not all right now, I will be soon."

The jounin dropped his hand back to his side and gave him a rakish grin. "Besides, all those romance novels do say that broken hearts need time to heal, right?" He added flippantly, with just a hint of a tease.

Iruka groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead in frustration. They weren't getting anywhere. Not when everything Kakashi said was barbed with open hostility or coated with a layer of fake cheer and distinct lack of concern.

He sighed. Shaking his head slightly in admonishment for Kakashi to be serious, he tried to broach the topic he wanted to discuss with the jounin once more. "Kakashi-sensei." He said carefully. "What makes you so sure we used to be together? How can you know it's not er…a misjudgment of our close friendship?"

Kakashi raised an amused eyebrow at the euphemism. He shrugged casually and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I just know."

"Because of my journal with writings about our relationship?"

"Most of it, yes."

"Which you could have easily produced using the Sharingan."

"True, I cannot deny that."

"And do you not wonder why there is no other proof or keepsake of our time together?"

"We're not exactly the sappy, sparkles-of-love-in-our-eyes sort of couple."

"And no one knows about this? Somehow in a village full of ninja, no one knows?"

"Maa, what can I say, we're better ninja than the rest of the village I guess."

Iruka resisted the urge to bang his head against the nearest wall. He glared at the jounin who simply lay in bed and grinned smugly up at him. It was useless to talk to Kakashi when he was determined to be as difficult as the naughtiest student in his class, and the jounin was much better at mind games than any child could ever be.

The circuitous logic led nowhere and proved nothing, yet somehow Kakashi could be so irrationally firm and unwavering in his belief that they had once been in love.

It was all giving him a headache.

"Iruka-sensei." The jounin spoke again as though reading his mind, a trace of laughter in his voice. "Just let it go. You're going to give yourself a headache if you think about this any harder."

Iruka fumed silently as he frowned at the jounin. But all his exasperation could hardly mask the worries in his heart.

And as he stared at Kakashi, eyes roaming over the shadows under the mismatched eyes to the almost delicate jut of the collarbone where the thin hospital shirt was unbuttoned at the throat, his anger faded, replaced only by a fresh wave of concern.

Feeling defeated and drained, he sighed and dropped heavily into the chair beside the bed. His head bowed. Clasping his hands so tightly together the knuckles were white, he studied his laced fingers and spoke.

"Please, is there anything I can do to help?" He asked softly, stricken by the thought that Kakashi was suffering and he had no way to ease it. "Is there anything I can do to make it better for you?"

There was a soft rustling of blankets as the jounin sat up and a bandaged hand covered both of his tightly clenched ones gently.

Iruka looked up and found himself looking into Kakashi's eyes. The dark eye was distant and wistful but the tomes of the Sharingan spun slowly as though he was deeply moved. The jounin seemed about to say something but changed his mind.

Instead, he gave his hands a brief squeeze and released him. "Iruka-sensei, you are truly a nice, wonderful man. You could never bear to see anyone suffering without wanting to help, wanting to make things better."

"But there are some problems even you can't help make better." The jounin sighed, suddenly sounding patient and resigned, like the wise older brother who had seen too much, learnt too many harsh realities of life and was doing his best to teach them to him. It made Iruka feel young and foolish despite their small difference in age.

"And this is one of them."

Then just as abruptly, his mood shifted.

"Maa, I guess I did this to myself. Silly of me to think we could go back to the way we were." The jounin rolled his eyes and gave him a sardonic grin. "It's never the same the second time round, eh Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka gritted his teeth at that self-deprecating tone, over-wrought with worry that Kakashi was still not taking his condition seriously, frustrated at his own inability to help this person whom he cared for so much.

"It _didn't happen_, Kakashi!" His hands balled into helpless fists. "When will you realize that and stop doing this to yourself?"

Kakashi looked away, silver hair falling over his face and shadowed his eyes. For a long moment, he was silent. There was an odd tremor in his voice when he finally answered.

"It happened, all right?" The firm resolution was clear even though his voice was quiet. "Even if no one else knows, I know, and that's enough for me."

"We were in love, it really did happen." He repeated, turning his head back to look at him. The mismatched eyes were dry but bright with a thousand hurts that made Iruka's breath catch in his throat. "Knowing that it happened…that's the only thing left to me now."

"Please don't try to take even that away from me."

Iruka gasped, overwhelmed by the terrible sadness and devastating sense of loss in the jounin's voice. Kakashi was looking at him pleadingly. For the first time since they started their conversation, the jounin was neither coldly expressionless nor flippantly mocking.

With all pretenses cast aside, he finally saw the heart wrenching anguish Kakashi was suffering.

The anguish that Iruka's mere presence, his very _existence _was causing Kakashi.

It was too much for him to bear and there was only one thing he could do.

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei. I-" He sprang to his feet, clumsily knocking the chair over in his haste. Tears were stinging his eyes and he turned away quickly.

Unable to manage another word, he ducked his head and ran out of the door.

* * *

Kakashi stared after Iruka's retreating figure, his own emotions still too frayed to react to the chunin's abrupt departure. 

Watching the steam rise gently from the bowl of soup Iruka had prepared for him, he wiped a tired hand through his hair.

"_Is there anything I can do to make it better for you?"_

He laughed softly and shook his head. Who was he kidding when he said the surgery had changed the chunin?

Iruka hadn't changed, not one bit. He was still that same warm, kind man with a demon of a temper but with the sweet, compassionate heart of an angel he had fallen in love with.

Iruka was still that headstrong, independent young man, intelligent and capable at everything he set his mind to do. He had pulled through his debilitating illness, mastered his fears, learnt how to walk again and went back to his job as a teacher and shinobi all on his own. Away on a mission, Kakashi wasn't even there for most of the chunin's time in the hospital, struggling to get well.

In contrast, he couldn't even do a decent job of moving on without the schoolteacher.

It just showed what he had suspected all along. Iruka didn't need him; rather, it was he whom had always needed and depended on the chunin.

Kakashi rubbed tiredly at the Sharingan and sighed wearily. Drawing the blankets around himself, he lay down and closed his eyes, wondering how he could even rest after everything that had just happened.

But the light, warm smell of miso soup with eggplant soon lulled him gently to sleep.


	22. Chapter 22

Thank you all so much for the reviews. Sorry about the terrible angst but coping with loss of any kind is always hard and it's a long, painful process most of the time.  
Hm, on a side note, this story hasn't ended yet. I don't plan right down to the chapter but I think there are at least five to ten chapters left. But I'm afraid I probably won't be updating for the next few months as I really have no time to write. (sigh) Still, I think this is a good place to take a break, so er…please wait around for 'season two', okay? (grin)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: It won't be easy to ease Kakashi's pain and right now, the two of them have so many insecurities and issues, it's all a big tangled web. (shakes head) But I'm trying my best to create a happy ending for this story so we'll see. (smile)

On with the story…

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

The bell chimed merrily as Iruka pushed open the door and stepped into the shop.

"Good morning, uh-" He started then stopped when he realized the store was empty. This early in the morning, he hadn't expected to see any other customers but he was surprised there was no one behind the counter.

Perhaps I'm really too early, Iruka thought with a rueful smile. Huffing out a soft sigh, he glanced around absently, wandering absently about the store as he prepared to wait.

The small shop was cramped with rows of tightly spaced racks, stacked almost ceiling high with an astounding variety of plants. Bunches of flowers leaned out from where they stood in pails of water and potted plants squatted on the ground and occupied the shelves along the walls. Vines dangled from hanging baskets, brushing against the top of his head as he passed under them.

Iruka smiled. The rich green smell and riot of colours gave the place a semblance of cheerful chaos, lifting his mood considerably.

But it did make moving around a bit difficult. He winced as he backed into a small sapling in a corner. Twisting awkwardly to steady the plant as it trembled precariously from its perch, he only succeeded in bumping against a vase on a nearby counter.

A moment of frantic activity later, he finally set the sapling upright once more and carefully replaced the vase on the table.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he patted the tall crystal vase reassuringly until he noticed the type of flower it held.

His hand stilled, resting against the cool glass as he gazed at the roses thoughtfully, tracing the path of their long slender stems to the rich scarlet of the blossoms.

Kakashi had been clutching a bunch of these the day he appeared in his classroom. Rising out of the smoke from his flashy jutsu, with his uncovered eye crinkled close as he beamed at the schoolteacher for all he's worth, he had looked every inch as silly as one of those stereotypical lotharios from bad romance novels.

Iruka smiled to himself. It was funny how he had been so horrified then, now he only thought back on that memory with fondness.

"Roses for your sweetheart, Iruka-sensei?"

He started and looked up, realizing he had been fingering the velvety red petals, lost in thought.

"Ah no, they just reminded me of something." He laughed and added. "But they really look very striking and beautiful in the vase you've placed them in, Yamanaka-san."

She smiled at his compliment, unpacking the rolls of ribbons from the box she must have been searching for in the storeroom when he arrived. A shade darker than her daughter platinum blonde tresses, her long tawny hair was tied back in a single braid and it swayed as she inclined her head towards the roses.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to buy some?" Amusement twinkled in her pale blue eyes. "It's hard to get flowers to Konoha during the winter and a whole crate of these lovelies just arrived this morning."

"I do want some flowers, but roses would hardly be appropriate." He chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm visiting a friend at the hospital and I thought perhaps some flowers might cheer him up."

Her smile faded. "Oh dear, it's not serious I hope."

"No, it's not too bad…it's just, I-" Iruka bit his lip and looked away, the knot of anxiety in his chest clenched.

"You're worried, aren't you?" She prompted gently.

"Am I that obvious?" He winced with a rueful smile.

Leaning one elbow on the counter, his hand curled into a fist as he struggled to put the sense of hopeless frustration that had troubled him ever since he had that conversation with Kakashi into words.

"I just hate seeing him like this…hate feeling so damn helpless that there's nothing I can do to help him…" He trailed off, suddenly embarrassed he had revealed so much in his mindless ramblings.

But she did not seem to mind. "It's always hard to see people we love suffering, isn't it, Iruka-sensei?" She smiled in understanding.

He ducked his head in a nod, blushing at her choice of words even though he knew she did not mean anything by them.

"And don't think there's nothing you can do to help." Moving to one of the buckets by the table, she bent and started selecting stalks of flowers as she spoke. "A kind word, a smile…things which are so insignificant you can't imagine how they would even matter. But these simple gestures that show you care are often the most useful things to help a person cope with the pain and difficulties he is facing."

She straightened and looked at him, mirth dancing in her eyes. "You should know this, Iruka-sensei." She chided jokingly. "Why, you are so good with helping the kids! My Ino used to come home and talk for days about something you've said to encourage her when she was still in your class."

"Oh, I didn't know that…" He scratched at the scar across his nose self-consciously, embarrassed by the praise. But her words comforted him and looking at her smiling face and kind eyes, he wondered if that was what his mother would have said to him if she were still alive.

He bowed. "Thank you very much, Yamanaka-san."

"No need for that, Iruka-sensei." She laughed, handing him the colorful bouquet of tulips she had put together. "I'm only saying that so you'll buy my flowers." Then she added with a warm smile. "I hope your friend would feel better soon."

Nodding and thanking her once more, Iruka paid for the flowers and left the shop, feeling hopeful and lighthearted. After their conversation at the hospital the day before, knowing that his mere presence could cause the jounin such pain and unhappiness, he had been unsure about visiting his friend again.

But with the bunch of tulips swinging from one hand, Yamanaka-san's advice fresh in his mind, he was suddenly eager to see Kakashi again.

There was a determined step in his stride as he made his way towards the hospital. They wouldn't talk of the past or delusions or any such things, Iruka decided. No, they would talk about anything the jounin wanted. And he would simply listen, he would just be there for Kakashi and hope he could feel how much Iruka cared and worried for him even if he insisted on pushing him away.

This time, he remembered to knock before pushing open the door to the hospital ward but the sight when he looked into the room still surprised him.

The curtains over the windows were drawn back fully, letting the early morning sunshine in to flood the room. The bed was empty, the sheets and blankets were all freshly changed and smoothed out with hardly a wrinkle. Chairs were tucked neatly away and the patient's medical charts hanging at the foot of the bed were gone.

There was no sign of Kakashi or that he had even been in the room.

Puzzled, Iruka took a step back and checked the number over the door, wondering if he had gotten the wrong room. But the ward was clearly the one he had visited the day before.

With mounting confusion and no small amount of alarm, he turned and stopped a nurse who was passing by in the corridor. "Excuse me, Miss. Do you know where the patient who was in this room has gone?"

She paused and looked briefly towards the ward to see which one he had pointed out. Smoothing a lock of ginger hair back from where it had escaped her nurse's headpiece, she checked her records.

"You mean Hatake-san?" When he nodded, she shook her head apologetically. "You just missed him, he's discharged an hour ago. Tsunade-sama herself signed for his release." She shrugged. "It seems she had a mission for him."

"_What?_" He burst out, outraged.

Several people standing at the nurses' workstation further down the corridor swiveled their heads around to look disapprovingly at him but he ignored them. His mind was whirling at the implications, the knot of anxiety in his chest suddenly squeezing so tight he could barely breathe.

An urgent mission, dispatched so early in the morning, and directly from the Hokage herself. It had the mark of an S-class all over it.

_How could she!_ He fumed; anger, worry and a dark, icy fear twisting in his gut.

Kakashi was unwell. Delusions aside, the man was clearly overworked and ill from exhaustion. How could she make him go on such a difficult mission in his condition?

Iruka scowled and muttered a string of curses under his breath; clenching his fist so tightly he felt the stalks of the tulips crush in his hand. The young woman was eyeing him warily, tactfully trying to ease herself further away from him, unnerved by his disturbing bout of dark temper.

She squeaked when he turned to her once more, his voice harsh with anxiety as he demanded. "Tell me, where-"

"Is there a problem, Iruka-sensei?"

He closed his eyes and took a meditative breath, wresting his temper under control. The nurse's eyes darted over his shoulder to the person who had spoken and her face relaxed with relief. Clutching the patient folders nervously to her chest, she took the chance and escaped.

Iruka turned and dipped his head respectfully. "Tsunade-sama." He greeted evenly, glad that although his voice was clip, it was steady. "I was going to visit Kakashi-sensei but they told me he's been discharged."

She folded her arms across her ample chest and stared back at him unflinchingly. "Yes, I need him to do something important for me."

"And that's why you sent me to him yesterday, isn't it?" His lips twisted into a sardonic smile. "You sent me to _cure_ him so he'll be ready to take this mission."

Pure, unadulterated anger flashed through her golden eyes, as terrifying as a sharp crack of lightning through dark, stormy skies.

"Do not _judge_ me, Umino Iruka!" She thundered.

Then she subsided, pressing a finger to the center of her forehead in unspoken frustration.

"Do not judge me." She repeated more quietly and in place of anger, Iruka only saw a concern and sorrow that made him sorry he had been so insensitive. "I've known Kakashi since he was a child. He's a good kid and he means more to me than you'll ever know."

She looked up at him, her piercing eyes grim and resolute. "But he's also a shinobi of Konoha and I _am_ the Hokage." Her lips curled into a small mirthless smile. "And as long as we play these roles, the village will always comes first."

Iruka looked away, swallowing hard. He understood that of course, he was a Konoha shinobi too and had taught these lessons to countless students under his charge in the past years.

It was just so hard to decide when your mind pulled you one way and your heart insisted on another.

Anger dissipated, leaving only a terrible anxiety for Kakashi in its wake.

"I'm sorry, Hokage-sama." He mumbled, staring at his boots, unable to raise his eyes to look at her. "Forgive me, I didn't know what I was-"

A perfectly manicured hand settled on his shoulder and when he looked up, she was smiling reassuringly at him. "Don't worry, I may be the Hokage but I never send anyone out on a mission they don't at least have a chance of coming home from."

"The brat is heading north, you might catch him if you hurry." She gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze. "I'm sure he'll like you there to bid him goodbye and wish him well. It'll help to know his best friend is so worried for him."

He nodded and managed to raise a wan smile. "Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

With that, he turned and started towards the hospital exit. He went slowly at first, his fears that his presence would only make things worse for Kakashi rose anew and made his steps hesitant. But as he walked, he thought of the loneliness in the single exposed dark eye, the bandages around the pale slender hand, and the dangers of the mission…

And suddenly, he knew he just could not let Kakashi leave without saying goodbye.

A wave of strange emotion came over him.

He found he really wanted to see Kakashi; no, he _needed_ to see Kakashi.

Almost desperate, he dumped the bunch of tulips onto the lap of an old man in a wheelchair as he passed him, freeing his hands so he could move faster. He flashed him a quick smile in apology at his startled protest and hurried forward.

Once out of the hospital, he broke into a wild sprint, running as fast as he could towards the village gates. Cold winter air whipped at his cheeks and tugged at his hair as he raced forward, making his eyes smart and water. Blinking hard, he ignored it, his mouth tightening into a grim, determined line as he focused his entire attention to gaining speed, dogging carts and people as he tore down the street.

Kotetsu was on guard duty by the gate and he sprang to his feet in alarm. "Iruka! What-"

"It's okay! I'll be back in a minute!" He yelled as he dashed past.

Beyond the gate, the forest spread out in all directions, tall grey trees looking lifeless without their usual foliage. Taking a moment to orientate himself towards the north, Iruka leapt up onto the leafless branches and pushed himself on. Weaving between the trees and ducking to avoid an occasional branch, he scanned the surroundings with a sinking heart.

There was no sign of Kakashi.

A mile out from the village, he had to finally admit defeat.

Dropping down into a clearing in the forest, he stood hunched over with his hands on his knees for a moment, panting hard from his run. Frost crunched loudly under his boots, making the sprawling forest all around him seem even more quiet and desolate. His breath misted in the cold, still air. Bitter disappointment struck his heart, and he pounded a futile fist against his knee, angry and frustrated with himself. He hadn't managed to catch Kakashi after all.

When his breathing had returned to normal, he straightened and sighed. Tilting his head back, he stood all alone, staring listlessly at the grey sky above, letting the stillness of the forest seep slowly into his bones and calm him. He closed his eyes and allowed himself a small, sad smile. Perhaps if he stood out there long enough, the cold would numb this awful feeling he had inside.

"Iruka-sensei?"

His eyes snapped open and he whirled around, his heart suddenly pounding.

Kakashi was standing at the edge of the clearing, head tilted a little quizzically to the side, blinking at him in the bright winter sunshine.

There was a curiously uncertain expression in his eye as he looked at him, as if the jounin was not entirely certain it wasn't a dream. Hardly daring to believe his eyes either, Iruka stared back, fighting the urge to laugh when he realized he had gotten ahead of the jounin in his haste.

Kakashi took a step forward, his long traveling cloak brushing soundlessly against the top of his boots. His tousled silver hair was as messy as ever, drooping over his skewed hitai-ate and falling into his eye with an endearing familiarity. There was a hint of weariness and pain in his dark eye, but mostly, it was filled with a determined sense of purpose for the mission ahead of him.

Rooted to the spot by a strange force, Iruka found he could not take his eyes off him. He could only follow the movement as Kakashi took another step forward, moving with that casual, effortless grace he always carried himself.

_It's a long mission…_ Iruka thought, his gaze wandering to the pack slung over the jounin's shoulder, all of a sudden feeling inexplicably sad.

"Iruka-sensei, what are you doing out here?"

With a start, he came to his senses to find the jounin standing right in front of him, frowning in bafflement.

He gave him a weak smile. "Ah, Kakashi-sensei…"

There had been a thousand and one things he wanted desperately to tell this dear, precious person but now that he had found him, he was dismayed to find he didn't know what to say.

"I heard you have a mission…" He began.

"Yes, I'm just heading out." Kakashi answered slowly, clearly still wondering why the schoolteacher was so far out in the woods this early in the morning.

"Er…I guess I just want to say…that is, I mean I-" Scratching nervously at the scar across his nose, Iruka fought his growing despair as he fumbled for the right words.

"-I…er…well, good luck!" He blurted out finally, grinning brightly to cover up his discomfiture and stuck his hand out awkwardly towards the waiting jounin.

Kakashi shook his hand carefully, puzzled. "Aa…thanks, I guess."

For a moment, the jounin studied him, his dark eye soft and wistful with some distant memory. It made Iruka think back to the night Kakashi had crept into his hospital ward so many months ago.

It made him remember his quiet devotion, his unflagging faith and the kind words uttered that night which later became his greatest source of strength in those dark, terrible days as he struggled to recover from his illness.

It made him remember the thoughtful gestures and companionable dinners; the useless gifts, silly flowers and plain white cards with simple notes scrawled in an elegant hand that never failed to make him smile.

It made him remember the way all the colours had bled from his world when he thought the jounin had died, the heart-stopping joy to find it wasn't true and the deep concern that had kept him by his bedside, holding the thin, bandaged hand long into the night.

The thought of the laughter and tears and everything they've shared almost took his breath away.

Iruka took a trembling breath and looked-finally _looked_-at Kakashi.

And what he saw finally made him realize how much he cared for this person. Cared for him as a comrade, as his dearest friend and something more…

Something much, _much _more.

Suddenly, 'good luck' seemed painfully inadequate.

Before he could think about it, he had pulled Kakashi into a tight hug. The unexpected swell of emotions was constricting his throat and he could only manage a choked whisper. "Come back safe."

Kakashi stiffened in shock and for an instant, Iruka thought he would pull away. Then, as though he had been carrying a terrible burden, he exhaled a small shaky sigh and melted into the embrace, sounding so weary that Iruka wished he could tell him to just let go and rest.

One half-gloved hand came up and rested easily between his shoulder blades, as naturally as if the jounin had done it a million times in the past. "I'll try." Kakashi replied softly as he returned the embrace.

Iruka bit his lip and nodded. He didn't know why they were whispering when there was no one to hear them on this clear winter morning, alone amidst miles and miles of peaceful forest. But he did not ponder on it for long; instead, he held Kakashi closer and murmured. "Thank you."

Then, as if suddenly remembering himself, Kakashi drew back and he caught a glimmer of an unreadable emotion in his uncovered eye as he pulled away. Was it hope? Joy? Or perhaps fear?

Before Iruka could identify it, the jounin had looked away, smiling a little sadly and shaking his head as though he was silently reprimanding himself for something. He backed away from the chunin, purposely trying to put more distance between them.

There was disappointment in the masked face as he turned away and Iruka thought with a sudden sickened feeling, it was because of him.

Iruka's breath caught in his throat and his chest tightened almost painfully. He couldn't think, couldn't make a move or say anything. All he could hear was Kakashi's voice echoing in his mind.

_It was all a mistake…_

_You're not him…not anymore…_

Drawing his cloak about himself, Kakashi didn't even deign to look at him. Lifting a hand in a careless wave farewell and with a burst of speed, he was gone.

* * *

Edit: Thanks vampirelf for pointing out the mistake so I could fix it. (smile) 


	23. Chapter 23

Hm, I actually found some time to write after all…or it could mean I'm not working as hard as I should on things which I should be working on…(sheepish laugh) Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter even though I can't be sure when I'll be able to update again; and thank you so much for all your patience and kind comments! (grin)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: Yeah, the situation is quite painful as they both have so many insecurities but I'll try my best to smooth it out. (smile)

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

"And there's nothing else you can find then?"

Kakashi sighed, running a hand through his hair. He was grimy and tired from his month-long mission but Tsunade needed to hear this as soon as possible. "No, not without risking a direct infiltration to poke around their headquarters."

Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he tried to relax even as he admitted to the unease his reconnaissance mission had made him feel. "There's only so much I can learn from scouting the village perimeter but with those increased drills and training I saw…they're clearly up to something."

"Well, good work anyway." Tsunade nodded, her lips pressed to a grim line. "Everything Ibiki has turned up points to Takigakure and now with your report, I'll say they're the ones behind the attack on the academy."

A strained expression crossed her face briefly as she took a thoughtful sip of her tea. "This is going to be tricky." She clasped her hands together and looked up at him solemnly. "We do not know what their intentions are but so far, there's been no show of open hostility. If we launch a direct infiltration on their village, it would seem unjustified and the fault would Konoha's."

Her gaze hardened. "It could be the excuse they're waiting for to declare war."

Kakashi nodded, trying to ignore his alarm at her words. He had hoped the worries that were weighing heavily on his mind ever since he had observed the odd activities around Takigakure's outposts were just the result of the pressures of long missions combined with his exhaustion. To hear the Hokage come to the same terrible conclusions was deeply unsettling.

"Send someone in undercover then." He suggested. "Someone with knowledge of Waterfall's more obscure dialects and preferably with some experience in cracking their written codes to decipher their records."

"I think that's our best course of action as well." She agreed, smiling in that slow, meaningful way he had come to associate with impending doom. "And I've got just the person."

Looking at that smile, Kakashi felt the fine hairs on the back of his neck prickle with a sudden chill and he was suddenly filled with dread. He didn't have to wait long before his sense of foreboding turned into reality.

Tsunade brightened at a knock at the door. "Ah, that's him I hope." Raising her voice, she called out. "Enter!"

He turned around, ready to greet the newcomer and froze. His heart skipped a beat.

Iruka stood looking in curiously from the doorway, completely unsuspecting and charmingly guileless. There was a touch of youthful innocence in his expression, the way his brown eyes widened with surprise when he saw him, then lighting up with a brief flash of happiness as he grinned. "Kakashi-sensei! You're back!"

Something flared in his chest, as if in involuntary response to that bright welcoming smile and he quashed it firmly, bitter and angry with himself.

He could not allow himself to remember, to care, to hope. Not if he wanted to put Iruka from his mind, forget their past together and move on.

And he had almost succeeded too. Out there, alone on a mission, dark fears about the situation at Takigakure and the ominous implications it held for Konoha's future had kept him distracted. With his whole attention focused on keeping himself alive and set on doing his duty, he realized he had hardly thought of Iruka.

But in the end it was all useless, he thought bitterly. One look at the chunin and all his efforts came to naught. The sharp ache of longing that flared in his chest was just as intense and cut just as deep as he had ever known it to. The weeks of separation and mind-numbing weariness had not even managed to dull the pain.

Willing his shoulders to relax as he settled into a casual slouch, he made a show of turning away listlessly and waved a careless hand in the general direction of the door. "Yo."

"Iruka, come in." Tsunade called.

He felt the chunin walk in, felt the brown eyes lingering on him as he took his place in front of the Hokage's desk beside him; apprehensive and slightly hurt, but full of that familiar heartwarming concern, it took all his willpower not to tremble under the weight of his gaze.

Thankfully, Tsunade spoke up and diverted the chunin's attention away from him. "As you know, we have been investigating the attack on the academy." She began. Iruka tensed at the mention of the explosion but he nodded, waiting for the Hokage to go on. "We have good reasons to believe that Takigakure is behind the attack but we need to find out more to know what they're really up to."

"I need someone to sneak in undercover to do a bit of snooping." She tented her fingers under her chin as she watched Iruka in quiet assessment. "I'm sending you in."

"No!" The protest burst from his lips before he realized he had spoken.

Tsunade and Iruka both turned to him and stared, surprised by his vehemence.

A perfect eyebrow raised in challenge. "You object, brat?"

Kakashi took a calming breath, trying to smooth his expression back into a perfect picture of indifference. It was difficult when his insides were twisted into knots by the mere idea that Iruka would be sent on such a dangerous task. Spy work was the most risky of all their assignments. Discovery almost always meant death.

Still, he managed to smile placidly back at the Hokage with a careless shrug. "I just think Iruka-sensei may not be the best choice for this mission." He slid a dispassionate glance at Iruka, deliberately looking him up and down with clinical coolness. "He was ill recently, had to undergo major surgery. He is still recovering from that. I hardly think he's competent enough to take on such a challenging and important mission."

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Recently? Honestly, Kakashi." She shot him an exasperated look. "It's been almost a year!"

He blinked, surprised and dismayed. _Has it really been a year already?_

Startled, he glanced past Tsunade, looking out of the large windows of the Hokage's tower to the streets below. Snow drifted past gently, falling out of the dreary grey skies and swirling prettily against the glass panes in the fading evening light, dusting the roofs and walkways of Konoha with the most delicate coat of white.

It was mid-winter and soon, spring would be here.

Spring.

It had been spring that fateful night Iruka collapsed in his arms, passing out from the unimaginable pain. It had been spring when Iruka had put away pieces of his memories, carefully packing them into heartfelt words between pages of a journal. It had been spring when they stood together in the chunin's doorway and Iruka had kissed him lovingly for the last time.

It felt as though it was just yesterday but sometimes, it seemed like a wonderful dream that had happened a lifetime ago.

_We've spent less time together than we have apart_, Kakashi realized with a pang. Feeling sick, he turned his gaze away from the window.

"Maa," He drawled, responding with the casual, condescending attitude he knew Iruka hated. "I was merely concerned that a simple schoolteacher, so used to his classroom and life in the village, would not have the cunning or bravery required for such a difficult task."

Iruka's hands were curling tighter and tighter into fists by his side with every veiled insult and patronizing word he spoke. A muscle ticked in his clenched jaw and he shot Kakashi a venomous look, brown eyes glittering with indignance. But he kept quiet, not trusting himself to speak in case he let his temper get the better of him.

Tsunade waved a dismissive hand at his objections. "Iruka have completed many such undercover missions before, eleven A-class ones in fact, and all ending in success." She smiled at Iruka's surprise then gave Kakashi a victorious smirk. "I've read his file and I'll have you know spy work is his specialty."

"Hn." He made a noncommittal noise, silently processing this revelation. He had known about Iruka's mission history and the eleven highly ranked assignments but he had never thought to ask him about them. Besides, the chunin never asked him about his missions and he felt it was impolite to pry. Now the collection of books on cryptology and foreign languages standing on Iruka's bookshelf he had browsed on occasion took on a new and rather disconcerting meaning.

_He could have failed to come home from an undercover mission and I'd never even know why…_

Sneaking a covert glance at the chunin standing beside him, he watched him out of the corner of his eye as the man blushed and scratched lightly at the scar across his nose, twitching a bit in embarrassment from the Hokage's praise. It hit him that he did not know Iruka as well as he thought he did.

The idea was strange, not entirely unpleasant, but filled him with an odd sense of wonder he did not fully understand.

But he could not muse on it for long. Tsunade was still speaking and she snorted in a rather unladylike manner as she frowned at him. "Besides, Iruka's much better at being a spy than you in any case…the guards will have to be half blind not to recognize Sharingan Kakashi when they see him."

"I can do a henge." He muttered sullenly, sounding petulant even to his own ears.

"And hold it for every hour of the day for an indeterminate length of time?" She rolled her eyes. "Sometimes, the best disguise is no disguise at all."

Kakashi sighed and looked away, he couldn't argue with that. And he had to admit, just as his ability at stealth and wide repertoire of jutsus were suited for assassinations, undercover work was perfect for Iruka.

The schoolteacher was neither handsome nor strikingly ugly; rather, he had a plain, unremarkable face that would work to his advantage. With the scar across his nose-his most distinguishing feature-covered or disguised, he was amazingly ordinary. But more importantly, there was a wonderful honest openness about him. Approachable and good-natured, he seemed to be able to put anyone he met at ease, making them warm to him immediately.

This quality to be able to chat with anyone easily, getting information before fading away into the crowd with a forgettable face, was the essence of spy work. Even before considering his experience with languages and codes, Iruka was the perfect candidate for the mission.

However, it did nothing to assuage the nauseous fluttering of anxiety in his gut.

"I just don't like trusting something this important to one chunin." He made one last, feeble attempt at dissuading the Hokage.

"Who said he was going in alone?" She smiled her potent smile once more. "You are going with him."

"What?" This time, the outburst came from Iruka. "No, you can't!"

Tsunade's eyebrows shot up, wrinkling her deceptively smooth brow as she turned on the schoolteacher, scowling in annoyance. "And _what_ is it now?"

"I…uh…"Iruka stammered, his face growing red as he realized his rude interruption. Embarrassed, he bowed respectfully several times. "I will accept this mission and do my absolute best to succeed, but with all due respect Tsunade-sama, I must request you assign me another teammate."

Iruka swallowed hard, visibly nervous at the Hokage's dark irate look but he pressed on resolutely. "Anyone but Kakashi-sensei." He explained, catching the edge of her desk as he leaned forward earnestly. "He has been running missions continuously for months. He needs rest, you can't send him out again."

Kakashi stared at the chunin, taking in the hard, determined look in the brown eyes as the man faced off the leader of their village. Of all the reasons he thought might be behind Iruka's objections, he had never once suspected it might be out of concern for him.

It confounded him, surprised him and sent a ridiculous surge of pleasure through him that he was immediately angry at himself for.

Tsunade gaped incredulously at Iruka, momentary at a lost for words. Then she slammed her hands on the table and let out a loud cry of angry exasperation.

"The two of you!" She roared, obviously at the end of her patience.

With stern authority flashing in her eyes, she leveled a commanding finger at Kakashi. "Request denied." The finger jerked to Iruka. "And _denied_."

Taking a deep breath, she sat back in her chair and went on more calmly. "I may sound coldhearted to say this, but there are greater things at stake here than your individual lives." She regarded the two shinobi before her gravely. "I don't care what reasons you have against the other person being sent on this mission but between the two of you, you have the skills for undercover work and the knowledge from an extensive recon of the territory. You two have the best chance of success.

"And so, you will put aside whatever objections or disagreements with each other and _work together_, you hear me?"

Kakashi sighed and cast a glance at Iruka, only to find the chunin looking in his direction as well. Their gaze met and they shared a resigned look. He shrugged and Iruka smiled.

Looking a little bit sheepish but with mirth dancing in his eyes, the person he loved best in the world yet he so desperately wanted to run away from held out his hand.

As he took the offered hand and shook solemnly on their promise under the watchful eyes of the Hokage, Kakashi sighed.

Tsunade's slow, wicked smile was a powerful portent of doom indeed.


	24. Chapter 24

As you can probably tell, updates for this story are definitely slowing down…sorry about that. (sigh) Having Kakashi and Iruka go on a mission together is my attempt at trying to write action/adventure…which I do poorly, so be warned. (grin) Also, please do tell me if anyone is out of character because circumstances are changing yet again and I feel I'm not getting the characters right.  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: You're right, things are going to get messy and there's some angst on the horizon but I promise this is all leading somewhere…hopefully. (smile)

This chapter is rather short but I hope everyone will enjoy it anyway.

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

The rest of the day passed in a haze for Kakashi. Despite the urgency of the situation and heightened fears for their village, Tsunade saw and heeded the wisdom in Iruka's words.

With her full lips pursed into a grudging pout, she had sighed and allowed them two days to make the necessary preparations, ordering Kakashi to use the time to rest with such stern authority, she had Iruka nodding in earnest agreement.

Kakashi had hummed his consent, shrugged as though he couldn't care less and took himself home with a jutsu the moment Tsunade dismissed them. At least, as soon as he could without seeming like he was running away.

Because Iruka was looking at him with that damnable concern in his eyes again. Warm, kind and so very familiar; it broke his heart anew each time he saw it, knowing the meaning behind it was no longer the same…and would never be the same again.

Finally alone in the darkness of his apartment, he closed his eyes and took a breath, grimacing slightly at the stale, stuffy smell of a room left unoccupied for so long and willed the painful thoughts away.

But he could not entirely banish the feelings that rose in him every time he saw Iruka again after a long mission.

It was as though the sight of the chunin was a sign, a connection his subconscious mind made to comfort, care and the wondrous sense of companionship even though he knew very well he could no longer associate these things with that face.

Yet, even with everything that had happened, it was still a signal to him that the mission was over and he was finally home.

Tension he hadn't even noticed loosened in his chest and he realized with some surprise how tired he felt.

Suddenly unable to keep his eyes open, Kakashi dropped his pack onto the floor and left it where it fell. Pulling off his mask and hitai-ate, he crawled into bed and gave in to his exhaustion, falling instantly into a deep sleep with the memory of the light in Iruka's eyes in his mind and the warmth of the chunin's smile in his heart.

Snow was still falling gently outside when he woke near midnight, sleepy with fatigue but too hungry to remain asleep for any longer. There was a note on the doormat, slipped in from under the door and he picked it up, peering at it blearily by the light of the hallway lamp.

It was a short note, written in Iruka's large, neat script; a carefully worded request for the time and location to meet up before leaving on their mission, and a polite reminder to pack a change of 'civilian clothes'. There was a parcel outside his door as well, noodles in a rich broth which the schoolteacher had obviously prepared himself, kept steaming hot with a jutsu despite being out in the cold for so long.

Sitting down at the table, Kakashi ate mechanically as he stared absently at the note. He sipped slowly at the broth, almost unconsciously savouring the taste of his meal made more delightful by the knowledge of the person who had sent it.

Something warm and fragile unfurled tentatively in his chest.

_Perhaps we…_

He blinked and straightened abruptly when he realized the direction his sleep-muddled mind had taken. Giving his head a quick shake as though it would help dislodge the silly thoughts, Kakashi clamped down sharply on the false hope before it could rise any further and undo all his resolve.

Iruka is a kind man, he told himself sternly. The chunin always did care for others more than most. The noodles and concerned gaze were simply the good-natured man's way of showing compassion towards a fellow shinobi.

To read more into it would be foolish.

Kakashi wiped a hand over his face; this was more difficult than he had thought it would be. He realized that now as he stared bleakly at the bowl of half-eaten noodles, his appetite suddenly gone.

For a moment, he truly despaired at having to be on the mission with Iruka. How could he face the one constant reminder of the past and not ache desperately for them to be back to the way they were?

He drew a deep breath and squared his shoulders. There was nothing he could do about it. Awkwardness between them aside, Tsunade was right; together they make the best team to succeed in this mission.

And the mission always came first.

A wave of emotionless calm washed over him. This was a mission, and Iruka was just an unavoidable part of the mission. He was nothing but another chunin, a colleague, a teammate…

His lips curled into a grim smile as he clenched his hand into a determined fist.

Nothing but a teammate.

He could deal with that.

* * *

Sunlight sparkled across the surface of the gurgling river; reminiscent of the many mornings he had taken the same path towards the bridge to meet his team in the days when Team Seven was still whole and so very innocent. Kakashi breathed out a soft sigh as he hitched his pack higher up about his shoulders, adjusted the angle of his hitai-ate and walked towards the meeting point he had told Iruka. 

He had not met with the schoolteacher since their encounter in the Hokage's office. Seeking the man out the day before, he had found the chunin hard at work with Ibiki, reviewing old Takigakure codes and familiarizing himself with the newer ones. Masking his presence, he had stood outside the room unnoticed, watching Iruka study the scrolls with a charmingly studious expression on his face and didn't quite know what to feel.

In the end, he did not approach the chunin, pretending it was because he did not want to disturb his work. Instead, he left a note on the schoolteacher's desk to inform Iruka of their meeting arrangements and tried to tell himself it wasn't cowardice as he went away.

Snow shifted under his boots as he trudged on, following the river as it took the last meander around some buildings and the bridge came into view. He could put off facing Iruka no longer.

There was a figure dressed in uniform and wrapped in a dark cloak standing by the bridge. Iruka stood with his hands clasped loosely behind his back, chaffing absently at the snow with the toe of his boot. He looked distant and thoughtful, as though worried about something, but when he heard his approach, he looked up with a bright delighted smile.

"Kakashi-sensei."

"Iruka-sensei." He returned evenly, casting a bored half-lidded glance in the chunin's direction. "You've got my message I see."

"Yes." Iruka shouldered his own gear and fell into step beside him. His smile faltered at Kakashi's cold greeting but he cleared his throat and tried again. "Did you rest well?" The brown eyes softened, worried. "You've been doing so many missions lately, Tsunade-sama really should not have-"

"How I am is really none of your business, Iruka-sensei." He drawled pleasantly, although his heart constricted when Iruka flinched visibly at his words, hurt. But he forced himself to go on, lacing his easy smile with just an edge of challenge. "Unless you think I'm not capable enough for this mission, hm?"

Iruka looked stricken. "That's not what I meant!" He flustered. "I was just-"

"It's quite all right, Iruka-sensei." He waved him off airily, beaming cheerfully. "I'm glad you brought this up actually."

"Because I do so hope_ you_ won't be a liability to this team." His voice became patently considerate, oozing with mock concern. "I would hate to have to tell Hokage-sama the mission was slowed down because the chunin she insisted on couldn't keep up."

The way Iruka's face darkened was quite magnificent. For a long moment, he said nothing and kept walking purposefully forward, eyes glaring straight ahead. He was almost trembling under the weight of his anger. One hand tightened around the strap of his pack so hard, the knuckles were white.

Looking at the chunin's furious expression, Kakashi felt a tiny twinge of regret at his cruel words. But in a dark, twisted corner of his mind, it made him glad. He felt safe, protected; because if Iruka was angry with him, if the chunin hated him, scowled at him and cursed him, then he would not be able to look into the smiling brown eyes of the person he fell in love with so long ago.

He was half-expecting Iruka to lash out, or at least snap at him with a sharp retort but the chunin did neither.

Instead, he sighed and sagged slightly, as though all his anger left him at once. Iruka's gaze lingered on him as he glanced over, resigned and dull and filled with an unnamed emotion, before he closed his eyes and looked away. The detached coldness of his tone was a match for the jounin's own when he spoke.

"I understand, Kakashi-sensei." He said quietly, the sadness in his voice made Kakashi die a little inside. "I'm sorry I asked."


	25. Chapter 25

Thanks for the reviews everyone! I know the story is still angsty, but they've just been forced to work together…even though their perspectives are slowly changing, with so many unresolved issues between them, there's still bound to be conflict and difficulties. I'm sorry but bear with it for a bit more, okay? (smile)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: You're right, Kakashi now just wants to leave the whole mess behind him, bury it like he had buried every other tragedy in his life but he wants Iruka to be happy too…as usual, it's complicated. (wince)

Hope everyone enjoyed Christmas holidays and have a great new year ahead!

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

By late morning, Iruka still had not spoken a word.

Kakashi winced inwardly as they ran together through the forest, making their way swiftly towards Waterfall Country. The silence weighed heavily between them, stretching and growing with every step until he felt it was stifling him like a thick fog. Breathing out a soft sigh, he cast a guilty glance towards his companion.

Iruka ran along beside him a couple of feet away, easily keeping up with the brisk pace. He watched the familiar bunch of brown hair bobbed rhythmically as the chunin leapt from branch to branch, weaving in and out between the trees. Despite the strained atmosphere, it brought a small smile to his lips, glad to see Iruka moving with such easy grace, greatly relieved to see with his own eyes that his beloved was truly no longer bothered by his illness.

But his smile faded as he took in the look on Iruka's face. The chunin wasn't mad; that much he could tell having seen the man get angry, most of the time at him, in the past year.

Rather, he seemed troubled. While the chunin never missed a step as they raced through the trees, his plain, good-natured face was solemn as he stared off absently into the distance. There was a listless, brooding expression in his dark eyes as though he was deep in thought about something.

Ever since his ill-humored responses to his questions in the morning, the schoolteacher had been careful to ignore him, warily keeping a polite distance between them. But his eyes often flickered towards him when he thought Kakashi wasn't looking, gazing at him with such an odd mixture of emotions the jounin did not know what to make of it.

A little bit apprehensive, perhaps slightly hurt, but mostly filled with a strangely rueful expression that softened the brown gaze.

Those times, he looked wistful, even sad.

And it was the sight of that sadness that made Kakashi's insides twist like he had eaten something disagreeable.

Kakashi swallowed hard, berating himself for his earlier rashness once more.

How he regretted those careless words and wished he could take them back. None of this was the chunin's fault.

If anyone was to be blamed for his mood this morning as he met Iruka by the bridge, it would be himself. With nerves wound up tight by his desperate longing and increasingly frustrated by his own inability to keep his emotions in check around Iruka, he had dreaded this mission. Nervous and irritable, he had taken it out on the chunin when all the kind man did was to express his concern for him, as he would any one of their comrades.

He wanted to move on, wanted to stop feeling the pain of yearning for something that was beyond his grasp. He wanted so much to go back to the life he had before this all even started, blissfully unaware of the treasure that was the chunin.

But not at the cost of hurting Iruka this badly. He hadn't meant to make Iruka sad.

He had been selfish, he realized. So keen was he to avoid his own pain, he had been unfairly harsh and inconsiderate. Besides, they couldn't work on the mission together like this. They were a two-man team. With only each other to rely on, trust and teamwork were more important than ever.

Kakashi heaved a quiet sigh. He wanted to apologize but didn't know how, wanted to ask Iruka if he were all right but felt too awkward.

For the mission, he told himself as he cast another despairing look towards his teammate, just for the mission he would set aside his feelings and try to come to an understanding with Iruka, as professionals if nothing else.

He fully intended to speak to Iruka about it when they stopped at midday for a quick lunch but the chunin beat him to it.

"Kakashi-sensei." He stated plainly as he stood before him, hands bunched at his side, with that determined gleam in his eye that Kakashi knew so well. "If we are going to work together on this mission, you have to stop fighting me." Pinching the bridge of his nose, he gave him an exasperated scowl. "At least please stop taking everything I say and twisting them to sound like an offense."

"I'll stop if you'll stop looking at me like you're afraid of me." He offered, remembering the odd lingering glances the chunin had given him when he thought he wasn't watching.

Iruka stiffened defensively at his comment, the faintest hint of a blush crept across his cheeks. But his clenched fists relaxed when the Kakashi smiled at him, trying his best to be agreeable.

Scratching absently at the scar across his nose, Iruka looked away. For a moment, he looked contemplative; a shadow of the melancholy he had sensed in him all morning crossed his face.

"Er well…I'm not afraid of you." Sitting down on a fallen log, he busied himself with looking for a ration bar as he tried to phrase his answer. Pulling one out of his pack, he looked up and met Kakashi's eye, a touch of that strange wistfulness in his wry grin. "I guess I'm just afraid of disappointing you."

Kakashi blinked, taken aback. Had his cruel words about the chunin's performance on the mission affected Iruka this much?

"Nonsense, Iruka-sensei." He waved a hand dismissively at him, eager to make amends. Sticking his hands in the pockets of his pants, he shuffled his feet uneasily as he fumbled with his apology. "Maa, forgive me…I guess I spoke out of turn this morning. If Tsunade had thought you were inadequate for the task, she would not have sent you."

When the schoolteacher still did not respond, he sat down beside the silent man and nudged him with his elbow jokingly. "Why Iruka-sensei, after the way you so loudly and vehemently spoke your mind at the last chunin exam nominations, I never expected you to be this unsure of yourself…"

Iruka gave a strained laugh. "Perhaps." He shrugged noncommittally, dropping his gaze, his eyes rueful and sad.

Kakashi frowned, feeling he had missed something important.

Disconcerted, he swiftly changed the topic. "Well, if we are going to work together on this mission," He countered. "You'll have to stop calling me 'Kakashi-sensei'."

"But what would you rather it be?" Iruka turned to face him, an eyebrow raised in puzzlement. "Kakashi-san? Kakashi-taichou?" A spark of humor glinted in his brown eyes, chasing away the shadows. "I know!" He grinned mischievously, flapping his hands as he pretended to prostrate himself into a worshipful bow. "O hail mighty Hatake-sama!"

That dragged a grudging laugh out of him. A short bark of a laugh that kindled an answering glow in Iruka's eyes.

It must have been the first cheerful sound he had made in months and it sounded bright and pleasant in the chilled winter air.

Suddenly, he felt incredibly light-hearted, filled with wonder and delight that after all this time, despite all the pain and their disagreements, they could still fall so naturally into that warm, easy companionship with each other, talking and joking with the kind of comfort that he could find with no one else other than this wonderful man beside him.

"No, not that." He made a face, certain that Iruka could see it despite his mask. "Hatake-sama was my father…I don't think I'll ever get used to people calling me that."

Scrubbing absently at the back of his head, he coughed awkwardly, embarrassed and shy whenever his father was mentioned. "I mean, I'm nothing great like him...I guess I'm uh…I'm just Kakashi."

There was something soft in Iruka's smile when he looked at him. "You're a real decent guy even if you do try so hard to appear obnoxious sometimes,_ Kakashi_." He teased lightly as he handed him a ration bar, his tone sounding almost fond.

The sound of his name, without the honorific, rolling off Iruka's tongue in that familiar warm tenor almost undid him. It hit him square in his chest like a punch, bringing forth a wellspring of emotions-grief, hope, _fear_-until he was aware of nothing but the loud drumming of his heartbeat in his ears.

His voice held the smallest quaver of uncertainty when he finally gathered enough composure to speak. "Iruka?"

"Hm?" The chunin slid him a questioning look as he munched on his bite of the ration bar, oblivious to the devastating effect his casual words had caused.

Then he smiled, the same brilliant, dazzling smile he had fallen in love with. "Oh, of course, you can call me Iruka." He grinned a bit sheepishly. "You're right. Umino-san is my dad to me too. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that yet."

He nodded dumbly, still stunned and not entirely certain what to feel. Iruka turned away once more, discreetly allowing him the privacy to pull down his mask so he could start on his own lunch.

Although they hardly spoke for the rest of their meal, Kakashi found he did not mind the silence that much any more.


	26. Chapter 26

Has it really been a year already? Well, it does seem like it has. I've never thought this fic I was worried about being too cliché would get terribly drawn out like this. (sweatdrop) Still, I'll like to thank everyone who has reviewed because you have really kept my interest in writing this story alive. Thank you all so much! (smile)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: An aching neck is a small price to pay for an awesome concert. (grin) I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

This chapter is quite long, hope everyone would enjoy it.

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

Straightening his back after he checked the last trap, Kakashi stood for a moment to scan the surroundings one final time. Dusk faded quickly into darkness in these winter months and stars were already appearing in the black velvety night sky. There was no sound upon the wind and he could detect no other human presence for miles around.

Satisfied, he turned and headed back to camp. He knew taking such measures to secure their camp was a bit extreme, considering the fact they were still within the borders of Fire Country and unlikely to encounter any danger. But he knew from the countless times he just happened to stumble across the path of a missing nin or an unexpected complication, you did not need to go looking for trouble for it to find you all on its own.

Besides, this was an important mission, one of utmost urgency and vital to Konoha's security. He could not risk any delays or Iruka getting hurt due to some unnecessary entanglements.

That thought gave him pause; he blinked as it occurred to him how protective he was of the chunin. Yet it was only right he was. After all, it was his job to deliver Iruka safely into the depths of enemy territory where the chunin could do _his_ work.

It was just duty. Iruka was just his teammate.

Kakashi closed his eyes briefly and sighed. He had no doubts Iruka felt the same.

But he had to admit it was nice to be near Iruka again, even if it was only for a little while, even if it was only for the mission.

In fact, despite his dread about this mission and their rough start, he found himself actually enjoying working with Iruka. He had known their temperaments and habits suited each other from those wonderful months they were together, but he had not expected they fitted so well professionally as well. Although there was an obvious disparity in their skills and experience, Iruka complemented his abilities perfectly.

Where he knew over a thousand jutsus, copied with no real understanding of most of them; Iruka only knew a few basic ones but had such deep knowledge of them, he was a master at adapting them to any task. And while he was inclined to use his most powerful jutsu to accomplish what he needed, Iruka showed him how less charka-draining ones plus a little creativity could achieve the same. It filled him with amazement to learn these things about Iruka he never even knew.

Kakashi shook his head at himself as his lips twisted into a sardonic smile; he could not deny how he felt.

Working together, slowly exploring and discovering each other like this, it was refreshing, uplifting…absolutely _exhilarating_.

_Better not get too used to it_, he reminded himself sternly as he rounded some shrubs and the faint glow of the campfire came into view in the distance,_ it'll just be harder to let go when the time comes._

Pushing his wishful thoughts and useless longings to the back of his mind, Kakashi took a deep breath of the chilled night air. They had made good time today, passing swiftly through the forest and arriving at the border without incident.

Ahead, the shadow of the Kaiten Ridge snaking along the boundary between Fire and Waterfall loomed dark and forbidding, blocking out a good part of the vast night sky. While the mountain range protected Fire Country from the worst of the cold currents and kept their winters mild, this close to the border, the air was bitingly cold, carrying a promise of the ice and pine just beyond the jagged peaks.

Kakashi shivered and quickened his step, suddenly eager to be back by the campfire with Iruka. Against the magnificent backdrop of the towering Kaiten Ridge, the small twinkling light was warm and welcoming.

Iruka had gotten a good fire going and the chunin sat nearby on his bedroll, reading a scroll by its light as he absently stirred a pot of stew balanced over it. His head jerked up at the sound of his approach but when Kakashi stepped into the circle of firelight, he relaxed and smiled, flipping the kunai back into the folds of his cloak.

"Everything okay?" He asked as he scooped the stew into a bowl and passed it to him.

"Yeah, we're set for the night." Pulling his cloak closer about himself, Kakashi sat down on his own bedding and accepted the food, pretending not to notice Iruka had given him the larger share of their meal. Was the chunin still convinced he was suffering from some mental sickness and worried he wasn't taking care of himself?

He didn't want pity; it left a sour taste in his mouth, but he did not press the point.

Wrapping his cold fingers around the bowl to warm them, he took in the rich scent of the stew, determined to make the most out of this hot meal. It was likely to be their last in a long time if they were to enter enemy lands tomorrow, where they could risk neither light nor fire.

They ate in companionable silence and when the last drop of the stew was gone, he settled his mask back into place and gave a contented sigh, feeling relaxed as the pleasant weight in his stomach spread tendrils of warmth to the rest of his body.

"That was good, perfect for this cold." He fed a twig to the fire and shrugged. "Too bad it's back to ration bars tomorrow once we cross the border."

"Why's that?" As with all their other meals together, Iruka had kept his eyes carefully averted but he looked up in surprise at his comment. One corner of his lips twitched with the beginnings of a smile. "Surely the people in Takigakure don't live on ration bars alone, do they?"

"No, but at night, even the smallest flame can be seen from miles away." He shook his head. "It'll give our position away immediately."

"What position?" Iruka sounded amused and somewhat exasperated. There was laughter in his eyes. "Kakashi, this isn't an assassination or even a recon mission. It's an undercover assignment; we're trying to blend in. Skulking around in the woods and freezing would only make us look more suspicious."

"How do you propose we get into their village then?" He arched an eyebrow at the chunin. Iruka was smiling knowingly at him and he suddenly felt out of his depth.

Reaching around the fire, he pulled the scroll from Iruka's lap and pointed out several points on the map. "From what I've seen, there are several large ponds here, here and here; some or perhaps all of which lead to secret passages into the village. But we'll need time to figure out which ones their shinobi use and find the right time to use it ourselves."

"You're forgetting one other option." Iruka grinned, tapping his finger against a cross marked out on the page. "This is how we'll get in."

Kakashi froze, his eyes went wide.

The main entrance. The Great Gates of Takigakure.

Open only in broad daylight, tightly guarded by night. The massive doors made of their strongest pines and fortified with steel; flanked by battlements rising up where archers patrolled with their bows nocked. Where they checked everyone who passed through for travel documents and would not hesitate to seize anyone suspicious, or put an arrow through their back.

It was madness to even consider it.

"Absolutely not." He frowned. "It's too dangerous. One mistake, even the slightest bit of suspicion and our cover is blown." He fixed Iruka with a flat look. "We'll be dead."

But Iruka was not deterred. "It's the best way." Lifting his chin in that stubborn, defiant manner Kakashi knew and loved, he glared at the jounin. "Any other route would take too much time, time we cannot afford."

"_No!_" His voice rose, getting frustrated. "I will not allow it."

Something dangerous flashed through Iruka's eyes. "This is not something for _you_ to decide whether you'll _allow_ it." His voice was tight and angry. "This is too important for me to let you pull rank like this."

"I'm not pulling rank, damn it! It's my job to protect you!"

"Well, you're sure as hell getting in the way of me trying to do mine!"

They glared at each other for a long silent moment, neither willing to back down. The fire hissed and popped, sending up sparks between them.

Iruka looked away first. Biting his lip, he gave a broken sort of laugh, pressing one hand over his eyes. "We're arguing again."

"It's my duty to protect you, to make sure you don't risk yourself unnecessarily before you can get a look at their records." Still rankled and upset by their disagreement, Kakashi raked a hand through his hair and bit out curtly. "I don't care what happens to you but I won't let you jeopardize our mission like this."

He regretted his words the moment he spoke them but the damage was done.

For a moment, Iruka stared at him, pain showing plainly in his wide brown eyes. Then he dropped his gaze. His shoulders sagged and his lips curled into a small sad smile.

"Our duty. The mission. Don't be a liability to the team." He recited softly, tracing patterns absently in the sand with a finger. "I know. How can I forget when you never stop reminding me?"

With a sigh, he nodded to the map. "And you have done your part really well too, coming with me this far, telling me where all the entrances are and all the enemy activity you've seen on your recon mission."

"But getting into their village and beyond the walls, my work begins." He raised his eyes to look at him, firm with resolve even as he tried to reason with him. "We both have our roles in this. I'm the one with the experience in spywork and when I'm sure this is the best way about it, I won't settle for any other compromise."

Smoothing a hand over the map, he swallowed hard and went on slowly, as if reluctant to give voice to what he was about to say. "And if you can't agree with me on this…then I'm afraid I'll just have to go on alone."

The cold air was sharp in his lungs when he took in a shocked breath. "Don't be ridiculous." He snapped sharply. "We're a team, of course I'm not going to let you do this by yourself."

He eyed the chunin in exasperation, taking in the strong line of his jaw and the determined set to his mouth. Despite his misgivings, he realized Iruka was right. This was a whole different game from his usual missions. It made him irritable he didn't know enough of the rules to play the game well, but he understood it was time to listen to someone who does.

Closing his eyes, he breathed out a resigned sigh. "All right." He told the chunin who was waiting patiently for his answer. "We'll do it your way."

"But?"

He smiled at the narrowed eyes and skepticism in the chunin's voice. "No buts." Inclining his head, he gave him a mock half-bow. "I gather it's usually wiser to respect the authority of experts, hm?"

"Kakashi…" Iruka blinked. His eyes widened, surprised and clearly touched. A slow look of wonder was spreading over his face. "Thank you…thank you so much." Words tumbled out, earnest and heartfelt. "Going undercover is never easy, I…I'm really glad to have your support." He paused, breaking into a soft smile. "You have no idea what this means to me."

"Saa…it's nothing much…" The chunin's sincerity was making him embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, giving his companion a discomfited glance. "I mean, teammates and cooperation and all that, right?"

Their eyes met and held across the dancing flames of the fire.

"Right." Iruka grinned at him, his expression affectionate and faintly teasing. Firelight threw flickering shadows across the planes of his face, bringing a pale gold cast to his sun-darkened skin. For a moment, he lost himself as he watched the light reflected in those smiling eyes, turning the liquid brown eyes into a most enchanting shade of dark amber. There was a light dusting of snow from the flurry earlier that evening still clinging to his hair, glinting against the dark locks like tinsel.

Bathed in the gentle glow of the fire like this, he was all warmth and life and breathtaking _spirit_; made all the more wonderful for that he was so innocently unaware of his charm.

It was almost painful to look at him.

"Kakashi?" Iruka's voice was quiet and anxious, jerking him from his thoughts.

Kakashi took a breath, all of a sudden realizing he had unconsciously clenched his fist, entire being tensed with the ache that seared the deepest part of his soul.

This was why he had to stay away from Iruka, this was what he had feared. Already, he could feel his heart had quickened, the smallest of hope taking root.

And it was tearing apart old wounds and carving out new ones when he was struck once more with the devastating reality of everything he had lost.

Iruka was looking at him oddly, worried at his silence. "Kakashi?" He called again, leaning forward as though to lay a hand over his. "Are you alright?"

He flinched violently, pulling his hand away before catching himself and brought it up to scratch at his cheek instead, pretending he did not just recoil from the chunin.

"Fine, I'm fine. Just a bit tired." He mumbled apologetically, unable to meet his companion's eyes.

"Well, I guess you had better get some rest then." Iruka didn't sound convinced but he let his excuse slide. "I'll take first watch."

Nodding stiffly, he turned his back on the chunin, suddenly wanting nothing more than to shut out the sight of the man. Drawing the blankets around himself like a shield, he lay down and closed his eyes, and waited for the sweet oblivion of sleep to wash his pain away.

* * *

The fire crackled merrily as Iruka stirred it to get it blazing stronger, warming up the campsite more so that Kakashi could rest better. 

His breath misted in the chilly air as he huffed out a soft sigh. It was steadily getting colder as the night wore on, but all was silent and peaceful in the clearing they had decided to make camp. Setting aside the maps and scrolls he had been studying for the last hour, he glanced at his sleeping teammate.

Kakashi had curled up on his side, turned away from him as if he didn't want to look at him. He was huddled up in his bedroll, blankets drawn so high up around his neck that all that could be seen was his tufty silver hair, the tips touched with gold by the light of the fire.

_He still looks so thin and tired._ Iruka bit his lip as he unconsciously followed the silhouette of the lean form, trying to make out the lines of the jounin's frame under the heavy bulk of the blankets, his gaze tracing the curve of the shoulder which drooped even in sleep as though under the burden of an unspeakable sorrow.

He was only across the fire from him, if he leaned over and reached out, he could easily run his hand through that unruly silver hair. Yet, he felt the jounin had never seemed more far away.

Curling an arm around one knee, Iruka sighed. He tilted his head back, idly watching the smoke from the fire rise up to the dark star-strewn sky.

He had thought they were doing so well; running comfortably by each other's side as they traveled, trading careful jokes and light conversation whenever they rested. In fact, he felt when they stopped for the night, any lingering awkwardness had all but disappeared as they split the tasks of setting up camp between them, working comfortably with impeccable teamwork as though they ran countless missions together before.

He had thought there was an easy warmth in Kakashi's smiles, a tenuous but oh-so-precious sense of closeness between them as he gazed into that single dark eye across the fire.

It would appear, he had thought wrong.

Iruka shook his head and grimaced, casting another dejected glance at his partner's turned back. It must have been something he had said, or did. He must have said something wrong without knowing, made a mistake, done something wrong.

Done something _differently_.

Kakashi had shrunk away from him like he was diseased, horror and anguish showing plainly in his masked face.

And there was no mistake about the disappointment he saw in the dark eye as the jounin turned away from him.

A bleak, humorless smile curved his lips and he heaved a quiet sigh. Drawing his legs up, he wrapped his arms around them as he rested his chin on his knees, staring thoughtfully into the fire. It didn't matter if they had really been together before his illness or that it was all a fanciful delusion of an over-stressed mind.

What mattered was that Kakashi _believed_ he remembered.

The jounin remembered the wonderful times they had shared and that special bond he cherished deeply. He remembered the chunin who knew everything about him, who knew what to do to make him smile, who never made him upset or angry or hurt.

Kakashi remembered the Iruka who knew how to love him.

And no matter what he did now, it would only fall short.

His eyes stung with unexpected tears and he balled his hands into fists, swallowing hard. A wave of bitter jealousy swept through him so strongly, it almost made him gag. But it faded quickly a mere moment later, leaving him feeling hollow and lost.

Suddenly, he had the strangest urge to burst into hysterical laughter.

Clasping a hand over his mouth, he allowed himself a small smile, dashing the tears from his eyes angrily with the back of his other hand. It was completely ridiculous. After all, it meant he was jealous of himself.

But how could he ever compare to that perfect Iruka in the jounin's mind? How could he ever measure up to that shining memory which could only grow stronger and more wonderful every single time Kakashi noticed their difference?

_You are not him…not anymore…_

_It's never the same the second time round…_

Iruka sighed quietly, shaking his head. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, trying not to let the black despair overwhelm him.

Because, he was afraid, he was not being entirely ridiculous after all.


	27. Chapter 27

Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. But I greatly enjoyed and am very grateful for all your reviews while I was working on this. (smile) The characters are interacting with each other but it's still difficult because they're so caught up with their own fears, neither can take a step forward. Iruka has come to realize he has romantic feelings for Kakashi but doesn't dare take action because he feels he's a disappointment to Kakashi as he often fail to do what the jounin expects of him...he had sensed this very early on when they were having dinner as friends, and especially when later Kakashi told him quite pointedly that he was "not him, not anymore." And Kakashi of course is trying to move on, afraid to see the signs of affection for what they are because he's afraid to be hurt again. (sigh) As usual, it's a tough situation which is becoming increasingly hard to write about. (wince)  
Anyway, because my email bounced back at me or you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To daxzia: You're right, except that this Iruka isn't exactly a "new Iruka". He hasn't changed, he's still the same guy with the same personality and habits. Kakashi knows this, that's why he finds it so hard to stop loving him.  
To Senna-chan: Oh dear, I'm sorry about the angst. Crying is ok I guess but please don't go around smashing things, okay? (smile)  
To Kyme: Yes, this is one uncomfortable story to read but we're working towards a sort of happy ending soon so hang in there!  
To Crystal: I'm honored you're keeping track of this story and following the updates. I'll try my best to write a bit whenever I can.

And now, without further delay, the story continues.

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

"You aren't seriously thinking of going in looking like _that_, are you?"

Iruka's laughter was bright and heartfelt. It rang out, sudden and loud in the quiet stillness of the morning, startling some small woodland creature in the bushes. The shrubs rustled as it scurried away in fright.

The chunin cast an apologetic glance in its direction but his grin grew as he turned back to look at Kakashi. Eyes brimming with mirth, he crossed his arms across his chest and shook his head at him in amused exasperation.

"What?" Kakashi tried his best not to sound defensive, but there was still a hint of a sulk in his voice. "I don't see what's wrong."

He glanced down at himself, wondering what it was that made Iruka burst out in laughter the moment he stepped around the broad tree where he had shed his jounin uniform for something less conspicuous. He did not own a lot of civilian clothing, having little use for them when his uniform suited for most of the tasks he had to do. Still, he considered the olive sweater and rugged pants both comfortable and serviceably discreet. Coupled with his father's old sheepskin coat, he thought he managed passably well at trying to appear unremarkable.

Besides, it wasn't as if Iruka was any more fashionably attired, he thought as he regarded his smiling teammate peevishly. The chunin was dressed in equally uninteresting clothes, a rumpled grey shirt tucked carelessly into faded trousers under his dark cloak. With the tattered brim of a straw hat pulled low over his eyes, he could easily pass off as a half-starved beggar wandering the streets.

Except the expression of utter amusement on his face rather spoiled the whole look.

When Iruka did not reply, it dawned on him that the man wasn't actually teasing him. There was a fondness in that good-natured smile and he realized with some surprise, the chunin was waiting patiently for him to recognize his mistake on his own.

He shifted his feet uncomfortably, thinking hard as he fought the urge to duck back behind the tree to escape his companion's attention. After a moment, he shrugged.

"Uh, well…I thought it wouldn't really matter…" He sighed reluctantly, fingers reaching up to the bridge of his nose to tug his mask down. "But you're right, hiding my face would make us seem suspicious. I guess the mask has to go."

"Oh no, it's not that." Iruka chuckled, stepping forward to stop him. "The mask is fine."

"It's this." Beaming, he reached up and snagged his hitai-ate, dangling it from one finger reproachfully. "We won't get within ten miles of Takigakure if you wear that."

Kakashi blinked in surprise, he had truly forgotten about the most obvious thing which could give them away. He was so used to moving in the shadows for his missions, where anyone who got close enough to see his allegiance usually ended up dead and wouldn't matter anyway.

He heaved a quiet sigh, shoulders drooping with defeat. This spywork mission really needed a whole new orientation in thinking. Although it was an honest mistake, he was embarrassed by such an amateur oversight.

Yet, as he gave his companion a weak grimace at his own carelessness, he realized he was glad he made the mistake after all.

Because Iruka was smiling again, grinning at him with that wonderful light of laughter in his eyes.

The chunin had seemed strangely despondent when he had woken up to change watch with the man last night. There was a solemn, thoughtful cast to his expression as he sat staring into the fire, lost in thought. The usually cheerful face was clouded by some troubles his teammate clearly did not wish to discuss with him.

When he realized Kakashi was awake and watching him, he had started and forced a smile, stammering apologies for his inattentiveness. He had avoided his gaze, turning away as though he was trying to hide his face from the light of the fire. But Kakashi still saw the brown eyes were rimmed with red, still heard the thickness in the chunin's voice.

And he knew without a doubt, Iruka had been crying.

It made his heart clench, chest tightening with surprise and worry.

Slight of build, Iruka was never going to be among the physically powerful ninja in their village. But mentally, he was one of the strongest people Kakashi knew. Filled with wondrous courage and indefatigable optimism, the spirited chunin generally reacted to problems with sharp wit and an even sharper temper. It took a lot to upset the strong-hearted schoolteacher and even more to make him cry.

To see him like this…

He felt awful. It made him wonder what terrible, unspeakable burden Iruka bore that brought him such pain.

But despite his curiosity, he could not ignore the small traitorous voice at the back of his mind, whispering mockingly that really, he had no right to know.

He meant nothing to Iruka, there was absolutely no reason for the chunin to share his private sorrows with an almost stranger. It had hurt to admit it, but the truth remained that Iruka had indeed chosen to hide his anguish from him, preferring to break down alone, rather than confide in him.

Concern and uncertainty warred within him. He teetered, undecided about what to do. But in the end, he could not bring himself to ask. He could only watch anxiously from the corner of his eye as Iruka lay down and went to sleep.

The night passed uneventfully, yet the strangely subdued mood did not leave the chunin when the sun rose. Iruka had been quiet all morning as they broke camp, his expression so distant and downcast Kakashi had feared he was ill.

But the laughter over his blunder seemed to have revived Iruka's spirits and made the chunin forget for a moment whatever that was troubling him.

And for that, Kakashi thought with a small private smile, he would gladly be the fool.

"Yes, that was silly." He coughed, looking away as he scratched at the back of his head embarrassedly. "But I need to keep the Sharingan covered." Flashing his companion a sheepish grin, he shrugged. "I'm so used to wearing it all the time, I guess I've just forgotten about it."

"Why do you need to keep the Sharingan covered?" Iruka's expression melted into puzzlement. Pushing his hat back so it dangled behind him by a cord around his neck, he stepped closer, ducking his head a little to peer up at the Sharingan curiously. "I don't recall any Uchiha ever doing such a thing."

Kakashi smiled, just a little sadly. He had once explained it to the academy teacher before. But that was in another time, another life, before the illness had come and taken it all away…

He sighed, feeling a faint tug of nostalgia as he gazed into the chunin's questioning eyes. "I'm not Uchiha so I can't control it very well." He began. "It's always activated and as long as it's open, it's leaking chakra." A rueful smile touched his lips at all the inconvenience Obito's gift had brought him. "If I'm not careful, it'll drain me completely within hours."

"My goodness." Iruka breathed, his eyes were wide. "I never knew."

They were standing so close, the soft exclamation ghosted over his lips through his mask.

Kakashi froze.

Suddenly, he was acutely aware of their nearness, of how they were standing so close the top of their boots were almost touching. He drew a shaky breath, trying to steady himself but only succeeded in catching a whiff of warm skin on the crisp morning air. A subtle, familiar scent he had always likened to the smell of sunshine.

Bright, wholesome and so very precious.

_Iruka…_

It was overwhelming, his senses were reeling. He knew he should take a step back, move away before he did something stupid, before he did something that would make Iruka angry and destroy the tenuous bond as teammates they had worked so hard to build, but he felt paralyzed.

Despite their closeness, Iruka was oblivious to his inner struggles. "That sounds awful." He made a soft sound of compassion in his throat and regarded him with grave seriousness as he reached out a hand. "But I hope at least it doesn't hurt you every time you use it?"

In a single instant, memories flooded his mind. His heart was racing, he couldn't catch his breath. How many times in the past had Iruka raised a hand to his face with that exact same look of concern in his warm brown eyes?

Without quite meaning to, Kakashi's eyes fluttered close. The phantom caresses of all the countless moments Iruka had cupped a hand against his cheek, stroking a thumb gently across the scar over his eye with sympathy and care washed over him.

He trembled-

-yearning to feel that touch again

-dreading to feel that touch again…

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to…um…I mean I-"

Kakashi's eyes sprang open, jerked abruptly back to the present. Iruka was pulling his hand away, stumbling back a step to stand with his fists clenched tightly by his side.

The chunin must have read his reaction as revulsion for he glanced at him guiltily, rubbing at the scar across his nose nervously before bowing his head as though he had done something wrong.

"I'm really sorry…I wasn't thinking… promise I won't do it again…" He babbled, deeply ashamed, a dark blush spreading across his cheeks. Swallowing hard, he dropped his gaze, a shadow of dejection flitting briefly across his face. "It's none of my business, I know… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked…but I just-"

"Iruka." Kakashi gripped his shoulder, trying to decide whether to be amused or bewildered. "It's okay."

"It's okay, all right?" He smiled, trying to lighten the mood, when the chunin raised his head hesitantly to look at him. "And no, it doesn't hurt to use the Sharingan."

He knew he shouldn't hope, shouldn't let himself feel touched, shouldn't cling foolishly to a past he could do nothing to bring back. But as he gazed into those dark serious eyes, tracing the lines of the gentle features he knew so well, his heart still brimmed with love for this dear sweet man

"But thank you." He murmured, lips curling into a wry smile at his own hopeless sentimentality. "Thank you for caring."

Iruka blinked, surprised and pleased. Ducking his head in a quick nod, he grinned. "I'm glad." His shoulders relaxed with relief although his eyes were still concerned. "But we can't leave it draining chakra like this."

Before Kakashi could protest, the chunin had tugged the collar of his cloak open and was unwinding the scarf from around his neck, holding it out as an offering.

He stared at the scrap of fabric held in Iruka's outstretched hand. The finely woven threads of pale blue and silver had retained their colour remarkably well. They were almost the exact same shade as the day he had spied the scarf in the store and bought it for the chunin as a gift last winter.

Seeing it in the chunin's hands, knowing he was wearing it even though he did not know how it had come about brought a sudden lump to Kakashi's throat.

When the jounin did not take the scarf from him, Iruka rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, what's the matter? Take it already, this will cover your eye as well as the hitai-ate and it wouldn't look so odd…"

He trailed off, a thoughtful look coming into his eyes. Rubbing the soft fabric slowly between his hands contemplatively, he was quiet for a moment. Then he sighed.

"This is my favourite scarf although I don't actually remember buying it." From the pained look that crossed his face, it was clear the lapse in his memory still troubled him. But he shook his head dismissively, grimacing as he nodded to himself. "I'd hate to ruin it but I suppose since it's for the mission…hm…yes, let's do that…I think it'll work."

"What?" Kakashi frowned, perplexed at the unexpected turn in the conversation.

Iruka looked up at him and grinned, a devious glint in his eyes. "I have an idea."

* * *

Kenji hated the evening shift. There was hardly any traffic through the gates and nothing interesting ever came through this late in the day anyway. Instead, he had to endure standing at his post, sullenly watching the passer-bys bustle past on the village streets, rushing home to their families and dinner, counting down the minutes until he could do the same. 

And it was worse in the winter months too. The small guard station was hardly warm and the cold winds found their way inside despite his best efforts to keep them out. He shuddered, eyes flicking to the towering battlements and the dim shadowy figures standing there. In this miserable weather, even the archers on watch seemed dispirited; their tall stern forms were ever so slightly hunched over to escape the cold.

Heaving a sigh, he turned his gaze back to the gates. Just a couple minutes more, the young chunin comforted himself, just a couple minutes more and his shift would be over. His lips lifted with a slight smile. He could already taste the hot curry and rice his sweet Miko had promised to make for him this morning.

He had hardly finished the thought when a figure appeared at the edge of the mist that shrouded the pine forests just beyond the village walls. In the fading light of day, it was too dark to see very much, but from the way the person was plodding forward purposefully, Kenji could see the arrival was determined to gain entrance to their village before the gates were locked up for the night..

He almost groaned aloud at his poor luck. For a moment, he was tempted to end his shift early and shut the gates; it was easy enough to pretend he did not see the figure given the darkness. But even from a distance, he could tell the stranger was moving awkwardly, hobbling almost painfully as though exhausted or wounded. His annoyance quickly melted into pity and he sighed, resigned.

There was no shelter for several miles and he would be heartless to leave the poor soul out in this bitter cold all night.

Still, it was one thing to be kind and another to be negligent. With eyes trained sharply on the approaching figure, he straightened and touched a hand to his weapons pouch, lips thinning into a grim line. Above on the battlements, shadows stirred briefly then settled, tensed with battle-ready wariness as the archers were alerted to the stranger as well.

But as the figure drew nearer, it soon became clear there were in fact two people. The older of the two was stooped over, leaning so heavily upon the other's arm that they had appeared as one person from a distance.

Ash white hair peeked out from underneath the raised hood of his jacket although the rest of his face was hidden in shadows. Stumbling along weakly, the old man appeared to be in great pain. His head drooped with exhaustion, burying his nose in the upturned collar of his coat as though only half-conscious.

His younger companion hovered by his side, helping him along carefully with barely contained anxiety. Wind molded his dark cloak to his lean frame and caught at the lanky brown hair that fell just past his shoulders. The young man shivered, held the elder closer, and pulled the straw hat lower over his eyes to shield his face against the blustery weather. With a pack slung over one shoulder, the young man supported his elderly companion's weight with gentle concern, inclining his head once in a while to ask a question or to offer encouragements.

Kenji frowned. The strangers' clothes were shabby, simple attire of the peasants who farmed the lands several days west of their village.

Whatever business drove them to Takigakure, going so far as to travel for days on foot in this wretched weather, it must be urgent indeed.

But he did not drop his guard. When they drew up to his post, he regarded them keenly, keeping his voice carefully neutral. "Travel papers?"

"Right here, sir." The young man's voice was a light tenor, a little faint with fatigue but sounded polite and pleasant. Rummaging through his pack, he produced a sheaf of documents which he tried unsuccessfully to smooth the creases out from.

"Purpose of visit?" Taking the papers, he started checking through them thoroughly, recording all the information with neat, precise characters in the log book.

"For a doctor." The arm he had around the old man tightened. "Father was badly hurt…an accident." His voice turned sorrowful and angry. "Some irresponsible idiot was swinging a rake around and it hit Father in his face. I'm afraid it tore into his eye too. He needs a doctor but we didn't have one in our village."

Kenji nodded, looking up at the two travelers, studying them closely. The documents were in order and the reason was legitimate, but he could not shake the strangest feeling that something was wrong. From the corner of his eye, he saw the archers tensed up almost imperceptibly, having noticed his uncertainty. With languid grace, an arrow was drawn from the quiver and fitted to the bow, poised to fire at his signal.

The young man must have sensed his hesitation as well for he pushed back his hat and suddenly, Kenji found himself confronted with an earnest, fresh-faced youth who looked a lot younger than he sounded. The guileless brown eyes were filled with worry and bright with a terrible desperation.

"Please, good sir! Please don't turn us away. We need help, we've walked for days!" He pleaded, his voice was starting to tremble. "Father really isn't well. He's lost so much blood…if we don't get help soon, I don't know…I-"

As if on cue, the old man gave a loud hacking cough, his thin wizened frame quaking as he pressed a hand to the side of his face with a moan.

"Father!" The young man stared helplessly. Then he bit his lip, turning his beseeching eyes back to him once more. "_Please!_"

The chunin shook his head. Leaning forward, he reached out a hand and drew aside the hood over the old man's face for a moment, studying the bloodied scarf wadded up against one side of his face covering his left eye and the bit of pale wrinkled skin around the other half-lidded eye which was all he could see of his face.

There was nothing wrong with the papers and their situation sounded dire indeed. He had no reason to detain them or deny them entry, certainly not based on an unexplained intuition something was amiss. He could detect no illusory jutsu, just an injured old man and his filial son. How could they be a threat to the village? Perhaps his feeling of unease was simply paranoia brought on by the dreary winter season, he concluded.

He sighed and found a genuine smile for the pair, finally allowing his own sympathies to show. "Alright, calm down, I never said I'm not letting you guys in." Stamping both copies of the documents, he handed them back with a kind smile. "Welcome to Takigakure."

The young man sagged with relief, smiling as he accepted the papers, bowing his thanks as he did. Kenji watched as they hobbled off down the streets, sending a silent blessing after them then turned to clear his desk.

By the time he had chained the gate shut, nodding his farewell to the patrol keeping watch for the night up on the battlements, he barely remembered the father and son, much less what it was that had made him uneasy about them.


	28. Chapter 28

I'm sorry about the long wait between updates once again. This chapter is longer than usual though, so I hope it'll at least make up for the delay a bit. (smile)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: Yeah, Kakashi makes a quite an old man, doesn't he? (grin) I'm glad you liked it.

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

For as long as he could remember, Kakashi had always enjoyed mornings. There was something about the soft, peaceful glow of dawn that neither the heated bustle of day nor the faded shadows of night could quite match up to.

But by the tenth day since their arrival, Kakashi was starting to seriously dislike mornings.

Or perhaps, there just wasn't a lot about Takigakure mornings to like, he thought sourly as he sat in bed, propped up against the adjacent wall, twirling a kunai absently with one hand. The weapon was a comforting weight and the rhythmic thump of the well-worn handle against his palm was a pleasant distraction. Still, his eye was sullen and hooded as he watched the weak, grayish light seep in between the blinds to crawl across the floor of Iruka's side of the room.

It had snowed during the night, tapering off into rain that beat an irregular staccato against the window pane. There was a faint creak somewhere above as the aged timber of the old building protested the weight of the freshly fallen snow.

Kakashi glowered, his fingers gave an involuntary twitch of irritation at the incessant noise and he almost nicked himself on the kunai. He cursed, focusing instead on the calming, repetitive motions of spinning the kunai in his hand to take the edge of his frustration.

In all fairness, he wasn't annoyed with their living arrangements. The apartment they had moved into may be small and rundown, but it was at least warm and nicely suited for their purpose. Old and falling apart with disrepair, the apartment building was not favored by the general populace unless they were too poor to afford to live elsewhere. There were only a few elderly couples living one floor above and an old lady at the far end of the corridor, all of whom seldom left their apartments.

Situated in one of the more deserted districts, their movements were less likely to be observed by some unwitting passer-by. It provided the normalcy they needed to maintain their cover, at the same time, gave them the freedom and privacy to carry out their work.

Iruka had chosen well.

Naturally, they caused a bit of a stir the first day they moved in. Curious and eager for gossip, their elderly neighbors descended on their doorstep, armed with homemade cakes and well-intentioned concern. They soaked up their story easily, nodding and fussing like doting grandparents and went away filled with nothing but sympathy for that sweet young man and his ailing father.

Hidden in their room under the pretense of being gravely injured, Kakashi had listened as Iruka politely offered them tea, graciously accepted their well-wishes, and cheerfully fed them lies.

It was chilling to hear the way Iruka's voice expertly softened with a hint of sad inflection as he spoke of the terrible accident that had injured his father. It had shocked him to hear how artfully the chunin manipulated the visitors, effortlessly striking that perfect tone of filial devotion designed to ensnare the trust of his kind, unsuspecting audience. The chunin's performance was flawless, readily drawing forth gentle murmurs of comfort and compassion, leaving their visitors completely charmed by the well-executed charade of warm sincerity.

It made Kakashi sick to the gut.

Tsunade was right; Iruka had a way with people. But to hear him speak so easily, smooth lies and stories slipping glibly off his tongue as he wove his deception with professional ease…it just felt so _wrong_.

It was such a far cry from the earnest and often exasperatingly innocent schoolteacher, so different from the kind, generous man he knew, it made him nauseous to think that perhaps the good-hearted man was actually a pretense.

And perhaps he had never known the _real_ Iruka after all…

Then, Iruka had come into the room with a sad sort of emptiness in his eyes. The chunin gave him a questioning look when he saw him crouched behind the bedroom door, listening in on the conversations.

What had been going through his mind must have shown on his face, unmistakable even though he still wore his mask. Between one heartbeat and the next, the emptiness turned to hurt; Iruka closed his eyes and looked away.

Kakashi startled, rising to his feet in a hurry, his chest constricting. For the first time, he fully realized what the chunin had meant when he said going undercover was never easy, finally understood with painful clarity just how much spywork took out of Iruka.

His heart was leaden with guilt, to have doubted, to have judged Iruka like this; when the chunin was never so harsh with him.

_There's the job and there's the person_, as Iruka had told him once after he had completed a particularly bloody mission. He may be an assassin by profession but he lived his life as Kakashi, Iruka had said, smiling as he pressed a kiss to his bruised knuckles, and it was enough that Kakashi was a good person.

He had never admitted to Iruka before, but those simple words that night had touched him more than he could ever imagine. They lingered in his mind, in his heart and he basked in the warm feeling of something inside him healing when he hadn't even noticed the hurt he carried.

Now the tables were turned and it was his turn to repay the kindness, but he was making a spectacular mess of it. Trying not to seem too flustered, he strove to salvage the situation anyway, awkwardly mumbling something about 'the job and the person'. In retrospect, he must have made no sense because Iruka gave him a thoroughly confounded look.

But the chunin must have understood the sentiment, if not the meaning, of his words.

For he smiled, face lighting up with a look of relief, straightening as though a weight had lifted off his shoulders. It caught Kakashi by surprise that his opinion of the chunin mattered so much to the man. Bowing his thanks, Iruka's dark eyes had glimmered briefly with an emotion the jounin could not name but made his heart beat a little faster all the same.

Yet, in the end, that was the only thing he could do for Iruka.

Kakashi frowned, feeling the frustration in him rising once more. Raking a hand through his hair, his gaze slid to the spill of light from the bathroom door, listening to the splash of water against the sink as he tried his best not to feel angry at his teammate.

The tap squeaked close and Iruka emerged a moment later with a towel slung over one shoulder, smoothing a hand along his freshly shaven jaw. Stoically ignoring Kakashi's wrathful glare, he pulled the towel and his t-shirt off, dropping them both onto his bed. Selecting a shirt from the closet, he stubbornly refused to glance at him, although he must be fully aware of the jounin's resentment directed at him.

Of course he was aware. Kakashi's eye narrowed as he gave the kunai in his hand a particularly viscous spin. After all, they had been doing this every morning for the past ten days.

In impassive silence, Iruka dressed himself, straightening his collar and smoothing the cuffs of the crisp blue shirt over his wrists before buttoning up the shirt. Kakashi watched him in equally grim silence, although he couldn't help but feel a touch of admiration for his teammate.

It didn't matter if he was to assume the guise of a ruffian or a nobleman, Iruka always took meticulous care to look the part. Nothing fancy like wigs or fake noses as Kakashi had thought disguises to be, but the chunin always incorporated small details and clever little touches that somehow made him turn out looking exactly right.

Today, he was a sharply dressed bureaucrat, exuding authority and holding enough clearance for some of the highest security archives. It had been painstaking work filtering the gossips of the lower-ranked chunin, carefully learning the way things were run in Takigakure, snooping around for the information they needed; all the while suffering the strain of being discovered.

And Iruka refused to let him help with any of it.

Or rather, he could not help with any of it.

Kakashi pressed his lips together into a grim line beneath his mask, bitter and angry although he was knew most of that anger was with himself.

Iruka ignored his murderous intent, busying himself with unfolding a pair of glasses from a slim black case, slipping the delicate wire frame onto his face. The tight line of his jaw was the only indication he was bothered by his teammate's dark mood.

But as he stood in front of the mirror to drag a comb through his hair, he caught Kakashi's eye in the reflection and frowned.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?" He tilted his head a little to the side in perfect innocence. The kunai in his hand spun soundlessly.

"I don't have time for this." Iruka growled. One eye twitched in badly concealed irritation and he finished putting up his hair with a harsh tug at his ponytail. Whirling around, he stood glaring at Kakashi. "Stop sulking!"

"I'm not sulking." He drawled pleasantly and beamed. "I'm just wondering if you'll let me go with you today."

Iruka groaned. "We've been over this many times already, Kakashi."

"Indulge me, sensei."

"You can't come with me. You can't even leave this apartment, because you're too well-known." Drawing a deep breath, the chunin tried to rehash their old argument with a reasonable tone. "Think about it…the hair, the mask, the _Sharingan_ for goodness sake!"

The kunai snapped to an abrupt stop as he clenched his fist.

"Then tell me what the hell am I here for!" Kakashi spat out, voice low and dangerous with anger.

Iruka sighed and folded his arms, pressing one hand to his forehead.

The chunin looked tired. The silver framed glasses made him look stern and scholarly, they made the sparkle in his intelligent eyes even more brilliant and keen, but they couldn't hide the shadows of fatigue under his eyes.

For all the assistance from Intel, they quickly found out that the codes Ibiki supplied were only good enough for the relatively unimportant records. As Iruka delved deeper into the archives for clues about the attack on the academy, the security became tighter. The codes failed, the encryption became more guarded and complex. Written in obscure Waterfall dialects and held together in an intricate, incomprehensible web of cross-references, the records Iruka managed to duplicate and bring back kept the weary chunin up most of the night, working at the cipher and translating the documents.

It pained Kakashi and put him on edge knowing that he could do absolutely nothing to help.

He could not brave the dangers for Iruka and go out gathering information. He knew too little of cryptology to be anything but a hindrance to the chunin when deciphering the codes.

He was basically useless on this mission.

In the last few years, he had always run missions as team leader or went on solo assignments. He was always the one who made decisions, the one in control of the mission, constantly in the thick of action.

Now he could only wait. Wait and worry, the inactivity was wearing him down.

That's why he hated playing back-up. How could he protect his teammate when he was not with him? How could he keep Iruka safe when he had no idea what the chunin risked to get them the information they need?

It made him restless, filled with a terrible helpless frustration, caged in by the walls around him day after day until he thought he would surely go mad.

Iruka's gaze softened with understanding. "I'm sorry, Kakashi." He said quietly, expression sympathetic but firm. "I know this is hard on you, but we're both important to this mission. You can't do my job for me, no more than I can help with your duties."

"My duties?" His voice was heavy with sarcasm. "Bring your body back to Konoha when you're dead, hm?"

"Kakashi…" The chunin looked stricken. He sighed and shook his head.

"You were right, you know." He smiled when Kakashi raised a quizzical brow. "That night by the fire? You were right to say you don't care what happens to me because your job here is not to protect me."

Looking him directly in the eye, Iruka went on seriously. "You're here to protect the information. My job is to find the information and get it to you." He shrugged matter-of-factly. "You're stronger, far more skilled, have a better chance of escape. I'm dispensable. If I can't get away, as long as you can, as long as you can escape with the information back to the village, nothing else matters."

The words wrapped like an icy fist around his heart and Kakashi suddenly found he could not breathe for he recognized the cold truth in them.

Swallowing hard, he looked away so that Iruka would not see the anguish in his eye.

"I get it. Don't lecture me." He muttered irritably, the sudden anxiety making his voice harsh and almost snide. "Save it for when you actually find something useful for me to protect."

It was almost routine now, the same old lines they always spoke when they argued over their roles in this mission, but this particular retort still managed to hit a nerve with Iruka.

"I'm working on it alright?" Iruka snapped. Pulling on his coat, he strode angrily to the window. With one hand resting against the window, he paused for a moment, turning back to glare at him, brown eyes filled with indignance and injured pride.

"We're teammates, partners. Just as I trust you to get away with the information when I find it, can't you trust me to do my job?" He ground out heatedly, voice shaking a little with emotion. "I may only be a chunin, but I know what I'm doing."

"I will not be a liability, I will not jeopardize the mission and I _will_ find what we came for."

With that, he pushed the window open and disappeared into the freezing rain.

Kakashi stared morosely at the spot where Iruka last stood. Then, he got up and crossed the room to close the window. Leaning against the wall beside the window, he stood for a long moment watching the rain trace small streams that diverged and come together as it trickled down the glass. The world outside was a grey, watery blur.

Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead against the cool window pane and took a calming breath. The prolonged confinement to the apartment had addled his mind. That must be the reason the words all came out wrong, that what he said never sounded like what he meant; that must be why he always ended up making Iruka upset when the chunin was already under so much stress.

With a sigh, he sat himself down at the desk, absently tidying up the scraps of paper covered with symbols and Iruka's scribbles, setting the empty mug with coffee stains over them to weight them down.

He couldn't do much to help Iruka, he thought grimly as he slipped the earpiece of the radio transceiver into place and turned the device on. But what he could do, he would do it with his best efforts.

There was a brief burst of static, then the sound of rain and chatter of the crowd, their voices distant and indistinct. Iruka was walking through the streets then, the sound of the chunin's breathing mingled with the other noises, regular and comforting.

Kakashi bit his lip, adjusting the mouthpiece nervously, wondering what he should say.

Iruka spoke first, very quietly. _"Hey, you there?"_

"Yeah." Kakashi relaxed a little. The chunin didn't sound as angry as he did before he left.

There was a pause. _"Look, sorry about just now. I was out of line…"_

He winced, feeling ashamed. "Forget about that, I'm sorry I brought it up. Focus and stay alert. You don't want to be messing up now." He chided gently.

A disbelieving huff and he could just imagine Iruka rolling his eyes along with the long-suffering sigh.

"_Yes Captain, whatever you say."_ There was a smile in the chunin's voice. _"But when I get back, I'm going to-"_

He broke off, then in a decidedly louder voice, he heard Iruka greet someone. _"Ah, good morning!"_

Kakashi rolled his eyes and endured the couple of minutes as Iruka exchanged pleasantries with someone, pen and paper poised in hand as he listened in on the conversation for anything useful.

It was dangerous for Iruka to wear a wire, but the chunin reasoned that they needed to keep in radio contact in case he was discovered and wanted to relay any information he might find immediately.

The idea of such a possibility chilled Kakashi right down to his marrow.

But he had agreed, grudgingly, although for an entirely different reason. It was reassuring to hear Iruka's voice, knowing that he was fine even though he could not be with him. The build-in tracer showed him the rough coordinates of the chunin and the little red light moving across the screen calmed him with the knowledge that he could go to Iruka's aid should his teammate encounter any trouble.

The little red light made an abrupt ninety degrees turn and started moving south.

"You'll try the south wing first then?" He followed the path of the light, doodling on the paper to make a vague sketch of the layout of the building.

"_Yes."_ Iruka sounded a bit tense and Kakashi knew he was nearing the sentries guarding some entrance or other.

"_What I read last night suggest it's the likeliest place." _He sighed wearily. _"This place is huge, it'll take a while."_

"_But I will definitely find it, okay?"_ He added peevishly.

Their earlier quarrel was forgiven but clearly not forgotten.

"Yes, sensei." He smiled ruefully.

Cradling the little monitor in both hands as he listened to the chunin speak with confident authority to the guards, his smile faded to a worried frown.

It wasn't that he was afraid Iruka wouldn't succeed.

He was just terrified Iruka would try to succeed…at all costs.

* * *

Several hours later, Iruka still had not found anything useful. There were long periods of time where neither of them spoke as the chunin tried to find his way around the maze of the administrative building, mingling with the administrative staff; the crowd making any communication too risky. There were even longer stretches of silence as Iruka searched the shelves of the archives for the right document and translating the texts took up most of his concentration.

Kakashi kept an ear out for the chunin's activities as he puttered around the house, half-heartedly making some lunch for himself and lazing in bed re-reading his favorite passages from Icha Icha Paradise.

It was late afternoon when he heard a soft but distinct exclamation.

"_Oh."_

The chunin's tone was thoughtful and a little excited.

Instantly, Kakashi sat up, eyes flashing to the monitor. The little red light was somewhere east of this morning's position. "Iruka?"

"_I think this might be it."_

"Good." Suddenly, he couldn't help but break into a grin. The long wait was over, they could finally leave this god-forsaken place and head home. "Come back. I'll get ready for us to leave the moment you get here."

"_Wait."_ There was a low mumble which he knew meant Iruka was translating the scroll. Then, his teammate bit off a curse, anxious and angry. _"This is not all of it, there's a second part."_

"Find it."

"_I know, genius."_ He heard paper fluttering through the receiver as the chunin thumbed through his notebook of codes, then another curse. _"Damn! The code's different again. I need time to decipher it."_

"Then make a copy and come back."

"_No, just give me a moment, I can do this. The second part should be close by. I just need to decipher this to know exactly where it is." _

"It's too risky to stay in one spot that long, you idiot!"

"_Quiet and let me work!"_ There was faint scratching as Iruka started writing furiously.

All of a sudden, the scratching stopped and his breath went very, very still.

"_Someone's coming."_

"What?" Kakashi's eyes went wide with alarm. A sharp thrill of fear ran down his spine. He pressed the earpiece harder against his ear, turning up the volume to catch his teammate's low voice. "Get out of there, Iruka!"

"_Can't."_ The schoolteacher sounded breathless and frightened. _"They're blocking the only exit."_

"Then jutsu yourself out of there!"

"_No, it'll blow our cover. We need to come back here tomorrow to look for that last scroll."_

Kakashi growled at his partner's stubbornness. "If they catch you, it'll all be over!" He barked into the mouthpiece of the transceiver, voice harsh with terror, trying to use the one thing that might convince the chunin. "Don't jeopardize the mission!"

"_I won't, damn it! Just let me think for a minute…"_

Everything was happening too fast, spinning out of control. His heart was pounding so loudly in his ears, he could barely hear Iruka's whispered replies.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Kakashi realized he was gripping the edge of the table so hard, his fingertips were white. Forcing himself to relax his grip, he shut his emotions away and slipped with practiced ease into the composure he always had when dealing with crisis in the field.

His eyes darted to the monitor, matching Iruka's relative position to the mental map he had made of the administrative building. "Okay, hold your position. Try to stall them, I'm on my way."

"_Don't! Don't you dare!"_ Iruka hissed vehemently. There was a slight rattling sound and he could hear the chunin moving around. _"They haven't discovered me yet but if you come here, our cover will definitely be blown."_

"But-"

"_I have a plan, okay?"_ He was panting a bit, quick and nervous but his voice was filled with steely determination. _"Everything will be fine. Trust me, please."_

Kakashi bit his lip, then said solemnly. "Fine. Tell me what to do."

"_Okay, the first part of the record mentioned the explosive tags planted in the academy but said it was to serve as a distraction."_ Iruka's voice was brisk and business-like. _"They left something else in the village, something huge…"_

The chunin swallowed audibly. _"…something that would kill us all."_

Kakashi's blood turned to ice. "What is it?"

"_I don't know, that's why we need the second part of the record."_

There was a brief pause as though Iruka was bracing himself for what he was about to say next. _"Listen, I think I should be fine. But if I'm not back in five hours, leave immediately and take what I told you back to Tsunade-sama."_

"No! Iruka!"

"_The village is in danger. Go warn them. I'm dispensable, don't come after me." _

"I-"

"_Have you been listening to a word I've said these past ten days?"_ The chunin's voice was seething with fury and urgency, trying to make him understand.

"_You are here to protect the information, so do your damn job!"_

Kakashi clutched the earpiece close like a lifeline, holding onto the sound of Iruka's voice as though it was the chunin himself.

He didn't want to let go, he never want to let go.

But he knew what he must do.

There was lump choking his throat but somehow he managed to speak past it, expressing his agreement in a clear, emotionless tone. "I understand."

"_Right."_ Iruka sniffed, his voice suddenly trembling. For a moment, there was nothing but the soft whisper of the chunin's breathing and the sound of his own heartbeat.

"_Kakashi, I…"_ Iruka hesitated.

There was a world of emotion in the silence and he suddenly found himself desperate to hear what the chunin wanted to say, yet terrified to hear what it was that made Iruka's voice tremble like that.

It sounded too much like goodbye. It reminded him too much of that bright spring morning when Iruka's voice had also brimmed with emotion like this as he held him close, before his beloved had been taken from his life.

But whatever it was he wanted to say, Iruka must have decided against it. There was forced brightness when he spoke next. _"I…I'll see you in a bit, okay?"_

Without waiting for his answer, the radio crackled and went dead. The little red light blinked once and went out.

And then, there was only silence.


	29. Chapter 29

I'm so very sorry this chapter took so long to write! And I do feel very bad that this update is so late when the last chapter ended with a cliffhanger. Terribly sorry about that! (apologetic bow) Thank you to everyone who reviewed. The reviews are very encouraging and helped remind me to work on this story whenever I can. (smile)  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To PaintedTurtleShell: Sorry about the cliffhanger but it's a bit of a break from all that gloomy angst I hope?  
To Senna-chan: Yeah, Iruka strikes me as the brave, reckless type. He's a lot like Naruto in that aspect I think.  
To sna: I'm sorry this story is so sad but we're getting to the end, so hang in there!  
To tsunami: Ah, I'm not dead…just really busy lately. Sorry about the cliffhanger…  
To rose: I didn't forget about this story. It's just getting harder to write now but I'll work on it.

More angst I'm afraid, but I do so hope everyone will enjoy this chapter.

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

The clock bleeped.

Kakashi started, glancing up to check the time even though he already knew what he would find.

Another hour had passed. Another long dread-filled hour in which there was no sign of Iruka, or any indication if the chunin would ever return.

He cursed. Raking a frustrated hand through his hair, he glared at the clock as though his teammate's absence was somehow its fault. The sense of unease was growing, building and festering as he watched the seconds ticked away one by one until he felt nauseous from the strain.

Heaving a deep sigh, he shook his head, forcing himself turn away. There's still time, he silently reaffirmed to himself, there's still a whole hour left. It would be foolish to waste it.

With that thought in mind, Kakashi firmly blocked out the dark swirl of anxiety as he focused on the stack of papers he held in his hand once more. He had almost finished sorting through the clutter strewn across the desk. There were a few maps he had sketched and some snippets of conversations he had recorded from the transmissions. Occasionally, he came across a newspaper article or two he had found interesting.

But mostly, there were pages and pages filled with messy scribbles and odd symbols, each clipped neatly to the corresponding meticulously replicated record from the Takigakure archives. Each and every single one of them was the result of Iruka's painstaking effort in the past week.

Kakashi bit his lip. His stomach gave a traitorous flutter at the sight of the chunin's familiar handwriting, but he ignored it. Instead, he gathered the ones marked as important and folded them carefully away into his pack, before bringing the rest to the hearth.

Grimly, he fed the notes to the fire, watching the white sheets of paper blackened and withered into ashes in the flames. His lips tightened into a determined line behind his mask as he stared with detached calmness into the dancing flames. With this, they were ready to leave. If Iruka returned with pursuers hunting him, they would have to flee immediately; and the less they leave behind, the better.

But when he returned to the desk and his eye slid almost without thinking to check the screen of the tracking device, his composure broke.

The screen was dark, as ominously dark as it had been hours ago when he last heard from Iruka.

_If I'm not back in five hours…_

His eyes closed, he slammed a fist against the table. Even a lifetime of training as a professional soldier could not stop the swell of anguish and terror that choked his throat. He stalked over and parted the blinds slightly with two fingers to peer out of the window carefully.

It was pitch black and wretched outside. The sun had long set, leaving Kakashi straining his eye as he tried to see in the darkness. The wind whistled and howled in turn, sending the branches of the old tree outside their apartment waving wildly and pelting snow against the window pane.

Nothing had changed since he lost radio contact with Iruka. There was no commotion on the streets, no increase in guards on patrol. The occasional civilian he saw trekking down the street seemed to have no more on their minds than getting out of the cold and home to a hot meal.

Everything was quiet, an ethereal kind of silence that could only be found on bitterly cold nights such as this one, where the whole world slept under a blanket of snow.

Kakashi sighed, his breath misting against the cold glass as he continued to gaze out into the darkness. Did the peace mean that Iruka had gotten away undiscovered? Or did it mean he had been captured and was being tortured for information before they make their move?

Or perhaps Iruka was lying injured somewhere, in pain, unable to move, dying…or maybe even, dead?

A tight band clenched around his chest and gripped so hard, it took effort to breathe. He turned away, sinking down heavily to sit on his bed, burying his face in his hands.

Every nerve was strung tight, urging him to go out there to look for Iruka. To throw away all rational thoughts and his sense of duty to go find his teammate. Find him, so that their last words would not be heated arguments and hurried orders spoken so dispassionately through a radio transmitter.

But he knew he could not do that.

It was clear the mission was the prerogative. Once the last hour was up, he had to assume Iruka had been compromised, abandon everything and head home. If the chunin failed to return, protocol dictated he salvage the situation by alerting the village, going back to warn Tsunade so she could direct a search for the threat before it killed them all.

The _entire_ village was in danger; he must return to Konoha at once.

Even if it meant leaving Iruka behind.

He pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes, trying to slow his ragged breathing. The Sharingan was throbbing, burning with a phantom pain as though in protest. He cursed lowly, almost trembling with the weight of old memories and fresh despair.

It was Obito and Rin and _that mission_ all over again.

It had been more than a decade since that fateful day. More than ten long years and not a single day had passed without a replay of that mission in his mind, wondering what he would do differently if he was given the chance again.

It was foolish and wholly unprofessional for a shinobi to be entertaining such thoughts but he thought he was better for it. Obito had shown him that much.

And in the years of quiet reflection, he thought he had grown up, became a little better, a little wiser. Certainly not quite the hero his father was, the way the man was filled with righteous conviction, but Kakashi really believed he would know what to do when faced with these choices again.

But in the end, he was still that young child he had been then.

Scared, helpless and lost. Torn between what duty demands and what his heart yearns to do.

He hated Iruka then, truly hated the chunin for putting him in this position. To make him face these difficult choices that haunted his every day, to make him choose between the mission and someone dear to him.

But most of all, he hated Iruka for breaking him so completely without even knowing he had.

A sudden burst of tapping on the window pane startled him from his thoughts.

Kakashi's head jerked up. In an instant, he was on his feet, moving soundlessly to press up against the wall beside the window, a kunai already in one hand. Pushing his hitai-ate up to reveal the Sharingan, he craned his neck and took a careful look at the dark shape looming outside the window.

The tapping came again, a little more insistent this time, but sharply precise in pattern that left no mistake to the person's identity.

His pulse quickened. Drawing the blinds up, he took a careful moment to study the chunin through the glass with the Sharingan. There was no trace of any jutsu and the chakra pattern of the person perched on the tree outside the window was one he knew as well as his own.

It was indeed Iruka.

Relief surged through him. Slipping the kunai back into his weapons pouch, he unlocked the window and stepped back to allow his teammate room to climb in.

Iruka swung himself clumsily into the room, tripping a little over the window sill. His boots thumped on the wooden floor, crunching loudly with frost as he swayed a little unsteadily on his feet. Snow clung to his hair and he made a half-hearted attempt to dust it off.

The silver-framed glasses he was wearing earlier that morning was gone, along with the band in his hair and his brown hair fell in a disheveled mess about his face. He struggled for a moment to close the window against the strong winds, then turned around and offered him a tired smile.

The sight of that smile warmed him but Kakashi found he was unable to return it. As he stared at the chunin who stood there smiling, completely blithe about the danger he had just put himself in, a fierce, dark anger rose in him.

"Where the _hell_ have you been?" He demanded, not caring how harsh his voice sounded. His hands clenched into fists by his side. It was completely irrational, he knew, but he had a sudden urge to grab the man and give him a good, hard shake.

Iruka's smile faded into a frown at his tone.

"Escaping. Trying to stay alive." He snapped the blinds down in annoyance and spun to face him, bristling. "What now, Captain?" His voice was laced with sarcasm. "Was I wrong to be doing any of that?"

Kakashi fumed quietly but ignored the barbed reply. He gave the chunin a disapproving look. "Did I not tell you to make a copy of the record and come back? It's too risky to stay in one place that long! What were you thinking?"

His teammate folded his arms across his chest defensively. "The second part of the record was just nearby. It's probably the one we need. If I had found it, we won't need to go back for it. We'll save a day!"

"You don't know that for sure." He bit out curtly. "It was an unacceptable risk."

Iruka's eyes narrowed, glittering with cold fury. "You were not there, you cannot adequately judge the situation." He replied icily.

There was enough truth in that to hurt. Kakashi gritted his teeth, feeling his anger rising along with the frustration at his own inability to be there to help his teammate.

"Then let me go with you!"

"Not this again, Kakashi." Iruka pinched the bridge of his nose tightly, the scar across his nose pulling as he scowled. "We've talked about this before, you're too conspicuous to be wandering around spying like this."

"Fine. Then why did you cut off radio contact?" Leveling a furious finger at him, he ground out the words with bitter resentment. "You won't let me go with you. You cut me off. You wouldn't tell me what's going on. If this is your idea of teamwork-"

"There _wasn't _time!" Iruka exploded, throwing his hands up in frustration. "The guards were _right there_! I had to jump out of a window into the river below and let the currents take me to the outskirts of town. I could only walk back when it got dark enough to try and the water completely ruined the transmitter."

"Jumping out of a window." Kakashi repeated slowly, shaking his head incredulously, wondering if he should laugh or cry or yell at the chunin. "That was the best you could come up with?"

"Listen, I-"

"No! _You_ listen." The fear and anguish and worry of the past few hours returned in a rush, and he finally lost control of his temper. Without thinking, he stalked forward and seized Iruka by the collar of his coat.

"You're too reckless!" He growled, his voice low and tight. "From the start, everything you do have been way too reckless!" His grip tightened as he glared at the chunin angrily. "Have you ever considered the consequences if you're caught? Right now, you're the only one who can decipher these records. If you're caught, how are we going to find that last record? You've put the mission at risk!"

Iruka's eyes widened. He knocked Kakashi's hands aside, wrenching out of his grip and stumbled back a step.

"It was a calculated risk." He snapped, straightening himself with some difficulty. "Given the situation, I _had_ to take that risk and I take full responsibility for it."

The chunin was breathing hard, defiance in every line of his normally gentle features but there was pain in his eyes. "I know my duties. I did _not_ jeopardize the mission, I…" He faltered, pressing a hand to his temple. "I…I just-"

"Iruka!"

Startled, he took a step forward in reflex, catching the unconscious chunin in his arms before he could fall. Instinctively, he pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him and clutching him tightly with a sudden desperation.

Anger left him in an instant, tension seeping swiftly away. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as something wonderful bloomed in his chest, spreading out to fill every dark corner of his soul with light.

Holding Iruka like this, the world fell away.

Nothing existed except for the solid press of the chunin's supple frame against him, the reassuring weight of his head on his shoulder and the familiar comforting scent of his brown hair as he pressed his masked cheek against the top of his head…everything that told him that Iruka was real, here and _safe_.

But in the next instant, he tensed with concern. Iruka was very cold and completely motionless. The scarred nose was buried against the collar of his shirt and he could feel the chunin's breath, quick and shallow against his neck. Easing the limp unresisting form around carefully to lie in his arms, he looked down at his teammate with a worried frown.

Iruka was very pale beneath his tan, his lips chapped and tinged with the most alarming shade of blue. The black coat he wore was fastened from throat to hem but the heavy fabric was wet from his fall into the river and stiff with ice, leeching precious body heat from the chunin instead of protecting him from the weather.

Kakashi bit his lip, he had been such a fool.

He should not have gotten so caught up with their argument that he failed to notice how unwell Iruka was. Filled with remorse, he took the cold, limp hand in his and felt for the wrist. Iruka's pulse was weak and slow. The chunin was completely still, not shivering even though his skin felt like ice under his fingers.

Fighting back his increasing alarm, Kakashi quickly threw an arm around his freezing teammate and half-dragged, half-carried him into the bathroom. Maneuvering the unconscious chunin out of the wet clothes in the cramp space of their bathroom was difficult but he eventually managed. They didn't have a bath and the shower stall was too small to fit them both. But he turned on the shower and held Iruka under it, watching anxiously as the warm water pelted against the tanned skin.

When the hot water ran out, he dried the chunin off and wrapped him up in their warmest blanket. Iruka's head lolled and rested against his shoulder as he sagged lifelessly against him. Propping him up as best as he could, Kakashi's stomach knotted up with anxiety. Carrying him back into the room, he settled him on the bed and covered him with a thick quilt, trying to keep him warm.

Chaffing his arms through the blankets, he tried to rouse the man. "Iruka, wake up. Open your eyes if you can hear me."

He smoothed the brown hair away from his face but froze when he saw the large purple bruise against the side of his head.

"Iruka!" He called sharply, tapping his cheek. His skin felt warmer than before but the lack of response from the chunin was frightening him. "Come on, Iruka! Open your eyes."

It took several anxious moments but Iruka's eyelids finally fluttered.

"Hmm…'kashi?" He murmured weakly, blinking as he peered up blearily at him. Struggling to sit up, he looked around groggily, confused as to how he came to be lying in bed. "What…what happened?"

"You passed out." He explained, smiling with relief as he caught him by his shoulders, firmly pushing him back down and tucking the blankets more securely around him. "Lie still and rest." The chunin may have regained consciousness but it was obvious he was still shaky, his body wrecked with tiny shivers now that his body temperature was returning to normal.

He watched Iruka's gaze carefully. There was a dazed, disoriented look in the chunin's eyes that had him brushing aside the brown hair to examine the bruise again. "Did you hit your head when you jumped into the river?"

"River?" Iruka winced at his touch but endured the examination. His brow furrowed as he tried to recall. "Maybe…there were rocks. I might have bumped against one." He shook his head, then stopped abruptly when the movement must have made him dizzy and lowered his eyes sheepishly instead. "It's nothing much."

"Well, nothing much just gave you a concussion." He muttered sternly, moving on to inspect the scrapes and cuts on his arms. But he was pleased his teammate seemed mostly coherent, and the injuries were not as serious as he had feared.

The man just looked tired and pale now, tucked up in bed like a small child, his eyes soft and hazy with sleep.

"I know it wasn't the best escape but it was the only thing I could think of, okay?" He said, his voice growing faint. "I really wasn't trying to jeopardize the mission…please just…"

Blinking hard, he made an effort to stay awake, struggling to keep his drooping eyelids open as he laid an imploring hand on Kakashi's wrist. "Please don't be mad with me…I can't stand it when you're mad with me…"

The sadness and hurt in the quiet plea made Kakashi's heart ache.

He sighed, looking away as he slipped his arm out from his grasp and scratched at the back of his head uncomfortably. There was something in the way Iruka was looking at him that made him feel awkward and embarrassed. "Uh…it's all right, I'm not mad."

Iruka gazed searchingly at him for another moment, then he relaxed. As he sank back against the pillow wearily, a soft smile broke across his face. "I'm glad." He said quietly.

Sighing deeply, he snuggled into the blankets, overcome by his exhaustion. "And I'll be fine after I rest for a bit…" He gazed at him drowsily from half-lidded eyes, already drifting off. "Don't look so worried."

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Can't." He replied absently as he soaked a ball of cotton with antiseptic. Brushing the brown hair out of the way, he dabbed at the ugly bruise before applying some salve. "Maa…I'll be doing a poor job of protecting you if I don't at least worry a bit when you come back looking like this."

It was an offhanded comment, meant as a joke so he was unprepared for Iruka's reaction.

"Of course…a job…just a job to you…" The chunin mumbled, his smile fading away even as his eyes fell shut. He turned onto his side, drawing his knees to his chest, curling onto himself in the way he knew Iruka did only when the man was greatly upset. "…trying…trying so hard but you just…you…"

Kakashi arched an eyebrow in surprise. He stared at his teammate as he fell asleep, surprise turning into dismay as he gazed upon the sorrow etched clearly across the strong features.

His mind flew back to that night they made camp by the Takigakure border, the sadness and pain he saw in Iruka's face even though the chunin wouldn't meet his eyes, trying to hide his tears behind a cheerful smile…

Suddenly, the burden the chunin had been bearing became all too clear.

He was the reason for the chunin's pain. _He_ was the one making him so miserable, the usually strong-minded schoolteacher could do nothing but break down when he was alone. Despite all his efforts to distance himself from the man, he was still making Iruka upset.

A wellspring of emotions rose in him, he didn't quite know what to feel.

Iruka obviously treasured their friendship more than he thought he would. The chunin may not love him the way he used to, but the man cared deeply for all his friends. It was an absolutely endearing part of his character, his kindness and devotion, but it made any betrayal sting doubly hard. If he had learnt anything from the sorrow he saw in the brown eyes when they casually spoke about Mizuki once, he knew that no enemy could harm the chunin more than his friends could.

It came as a shock to him now, but he knew he should have considered this when he started out trying to woo Iruka back.

To beg and court his way into Iruka's life, gaining his friendship and trust, only to deliberately insult and annoy him to drive him away when he realized they could not return to the way they were...

He may have fooled himself into thinking he needed to do that in order to move on. Or imagined he was acting out of selflessness, letting Iruka go. But in the end, it was cowardly and cruel.

In the end, he had only hurt them both.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" He whispered shakily as he reached out and touched the tears that clung to the dark lashes, letting his fingers trail down the pale cheek, stealing a moment of intimacy he knew Iruka would never allow should the man be awake.

Iruka stirred at his touch but did not wake. Instead, he sighed breathily, turning his head to nuzzle against the palm of his hand in an unconscious gesture of affection, his lips curling into a faint smile.

It was that smile, so heartbreakingly quiet and content, that gave him pause. A sudden bleak, wintry feeling swept into his heart. He exhaled softly and retracted his hand, curling it into a fist as a wave of hopelessness gripped him.

This was it. This was what he had both hoped for and dreaded.

Iruka had moved on.

There was no doubt in his mind that someone else would eventually take his place in Iruka's life. He could not imagine a person who wouldn't love the sweet-natured man.

He had been bracing himself for this moment, but it still felt like a punch to his gut as he looked and saw the gentle expression of yearning on the chunin's face.

Who was he dreaming about in this moment? Who was this person whom Iruka drew such comfort from?

Perhaps she was a fellow teacher at the academy, a pretty young kunoichi with soft eyes and cheerful smiles, a match for Iruka's bright spirit in every way. Or perhaps he was a civilian, a nice young man who never made the chunin worry by going away on missions for weeks at a time, who was always there to take care of Iruka when he needed it the most.

Kakashi swallowed hard and turned away. Heartsick and resigned, he lay down on his bed and stared blankly up at the ceiling.

Too late, he thought as he closed his eyes wearily, everything with him was always too late.

For only after he had truly lost Iruka, did he realize he could never bear to let him go.


	30. Chapter 30

Ah, this chapter took a long time to write too, although thankfully not as long as the last one. (apologetic) I know the angst is dragging out a bit too much; I'm working towards a resolution, I swear! But I'm really very grateful for all your reviews, they tell me people are still reading this story even though it's taking so long to finish.  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To jazzy: True love must prevail indeed! Er…eventually.  
To Senna-chan: Yeah, sorry, it was another angsty chapter.  
To rose: I didn't forget! I'll try my best to complete this story soon.  
To meh: Hm, that song does set a great mood for that last chapter, although it just made it sadder.  
To Anonymous: I'm glad you liked this story even though it's angsty. I do plan for things to get be better soon, so hang on.

And now, back to the story.

**Chapter Thirty**

Keeping to the shadows of the buildings, Iruka ducked around a corner into a narrow alley. He pressed his back against the wall and huddled deeper into his coat, watching his breath mist in the chill as he glanced up at the sliver of dark night sky above.

Unlike the night before, it was not snowing, but winter nights in Takigakure were always long and bitterly cold. He stretched out his senses and listened. The village was as silent as a tomb, no sound upon the air except for the whistling of the wind as it whipped through the empty streets.

He shivered, not entirely because of the chill, and reached back briefly to touch his weapons pouch for reassurance.

"What now?"

The low voice and sudden presence by his side startled him although he was expecting him. He glanced at his teammate, raising a hand and formed a quick sign for him to wait.

Kakashi cut a tall, striking figure in his long, dark cloak. Moonlight brought a soft pale sheen to the wild toss of his ash blond hair, a stark contrast to the navy muffler wrapped around his neck.

He nodded, easing back against the wall with a casual grace, adjusting the strip of cloth over his eye to better cover the Sharingan. But his uncovered eye gleam above his mask, shining with a cold light, as intent and watchful as a fine blade.

He looked focused and dangerously competent.

Standing so close together in the narrow space, Iruka could sense the thrum of tension through the jounin's lean frame.

It hummed softly under his skin, singing through his veins and stirred something deep within his heart. To have the jounin near like this both thrilled and calmed him. It lifted his spirits like the familiar tune of a song he once knew, but had forgotten the words.

He smiled despite the tension of the mission. Whenever Kakashi was by his side, he simply felt more alive.

It struck him then, how easy it was being close to Kakashi. It was still a strange new emotion, but the jounin's presence filled him with such a profound sense of joy, he could only marvel at how very precious he had become to him.

The night was cold and the heat of the Kakashi right next to him felt good. He unconsciously leaned into that warmth as he turned his gaze away to look out beyond the alley. From their vantage point, he could see the prim white walls of the administrative building just up ahead. Fenced in and patrolled by guards, it looked even more tightly secured under the white fluorescent lights of the lamps than it did during the day.

Iruka breathed out a soft sigh and steadied himself. The building held the last record they were looking for. There was no need for disguises anymore, no need for painstaking searches through the archives or tedious conversations with shinobi and civilian alike to gather information. He had decoded the location of the last record. They just needed to get in, find the scroll and get out.

A standard search and retrieve.

Before they knew it, they would be home.

He checked his watch then caught Kakashi's eye. "Remember, any use of chakra sets off the perimeter alarms so that means no jutsu, alright?"

"Yes, sensei." Kakashi's breath was warm against his ear. There was hint of teasing in his voice despite their tensed situation as he sighed with mock exasperation. "I heard you the last _ten_ times."

"Well, you _are_ the man with a thousand jutsu after all." He retorted, jabbing him with an affronted elbow. "I was afraid you couldn't help yourself."

"Hn." The Copynin hummed good-naturedly, sliding him a cool glance. "Brat."

Iruka smiled, although his smile faltered at the look in the jounin's eye. There was something odd in the way Kakashi had looked at him all day.

It was subtle, as it often was with how closely the jounin guarded and masked his emotions. But Iruka was starting to understand the man better now, starting to see the small signs of distress in the inscrutable façade that told him, his teammate was upset.

He noticed it now as he looked into Kakashi's dark, troubled eye. There was a soft wistfulness about his gaze, touched with a puzzling hint of disappointment that sent a stab of worry to Iruka's gut.

Had he done something wrong? He fretted anxiously, trying hard to recall anything he might have said or done to displease the man.

He did not think it was related to the mission. The jounin had chatted with him affably enough when he woke this morning, his uncovered eye crinkling into an easy smile as they went over the details of how they would retrieve the final scroll. Any disagreements they had the previous day over Iruka's narrow escape were indeed fully forgiven.

But Kakashi seemed distant. Distant and quiet, with a vague sort of coldness that filled Iruka with dread.

It was a painful reminder of the way the jounin had been before they came on the mission. Cool, detached and ever so slightly condescending with that lazy smile, who made him feel so wholly insignificant and worthless with a single dispassionate glance.

Iruka bit his lip, trying to hide his confusion and dismay. Despite their disagreements, he had thought they worked well together. He remembered the look of concern in Kakashi's masked face the previous night, even though his teammate had reprimanded him so fiercely for being reckless. It was embarrassing to collapse in front of Kakashi and worse to have the jounin take care of him, but he remembered the gentle concern in his face when he first regained consciousness and had let himself think…let himself _hope_ that perhaps things had changed between them.

But it would appear Kakashi had only endured him for the sake of the mission.

With the mission coming to a close, the jounin was already withdrawing into himself. The easy companionship, the closeness they shared in the past week was rapidly being replaced by a detached indifference. Everything was slipping away from him, dissolving into nothing and Iruka could only watch, absolutely powerless to stop it.

What would become of them after they returned to the village? Would Kakashi go back to avoiding him? Ignoring him? See him as nothing more than a pathetic shadow, a poor imitation who kept trying, but would never be able to compare to the man he believed he once loved?

Pain welled up so strongly in him, he thought his heart might break.

He did not think he could bear that.

"Iruka?" A light touch on his shoulder startled him back to the present.

"Sorry." He mumbled, ashamed he had gotten lost in his thoughts at such a critical time. Taking a deep breath to clear his mind, he raised a hand and pointed out their mark to his teammate. "The room on the third floor, that window in the southeast corner. We wait till the guard change, then we have about two minutes to make it over there and get in."

"Ah, I see."

They waited together in silence after that, counting down the minutes until they could make their move. From the corner of his eye, Iruka studied Kakashi's profile covertly, tracing the shape of his features under the mask to the thoughtful look in his dark eye. His chest grew heavy with misery.

He would miss Kakashi so much.

And for once in his life, as he stood there huddled in the freezing cold, deep within enemy lands, Iruka wished with all his heart the mission didn't have to end.

* * *

Balanced on the narrow ledge next to the third floor window, Iruka ran his hands carefully around the bottom edge of the glass pane and breathed a sigh of relief as his fingers found the small knob. The bit of cardboard he had slipped hastily under the window the previous day before making his escape had held. The small gap shouldn't cause a draft and draw attention, but he had hoped it would be enough to prop the window open for them to enter without having to break the glass.

He looked up at Kakashi, perched across the ledge from him, and nodded. Wriggling his fingers into the gap, he tugged firmly. The window creaked as he eased it open but the room was dark and deathly silent as he swung himself inside, dropping into a crouch in the darkest corner. He heard a whisper of cloth, a quiet click and Kakashi was beside him.

The Sharingan gleamed blood-red in the pale shaft of moonlight as the Copynin scanned the floor and walls of the room.

"Traps?"

"None." The jounin whispered back, tugging the covering back over his eye. "Lead the way."

The room looked different at night than in the day. The rows upon rows of shelves stood like silent sentries, solemn and eerie in the dark. Iruka swallowed back his nervousness as he led them past the looming shadows, meandering through archives towards the shelf they wanted. The heated room seemed unbearably hot after the chill outside and sweat was beading on his brow, trickling down into the collar of his coat. His heart was pounding, the memory of his narrow escape the day before was still fresh in his mind, sparking new waves of terror through him.

He almost gasped out aloud when Kakashi caught his hand. Tensed for an attack, he whirled around only to find the jounin shaking his head at him.

"Try to relax, you're hyperventilating." He murmured.

"Oh." Iruka blinked. Taking a deep breath to regulate his breathing, he turned away, deeply embarrassed. What must Kakashi think of him now? He must appear to be such an utter novice to the cool-headed Copynin if he was so easily shaken up by nerves. "Sorry, I'm not usually like this…I…"

"I know. You almost didn't make it out of this room yesterday, naturally you're a little traumatized to be back here." The jounin was still holding his hand and he gave it a gentle squeeze before letting go. "We'll be done soon, so try to hang on till then, all right?"

Iruka dropped his gaze, glad for the darkness to hide his blush. It was still surprising how well Kakashi understood him, how the man knew exactly the right thing to say to comfort or encourage him, but this familiarity no longer unnerved him. His hand tingled pleasantly, warm with the impression of the half-gloved hand.

He smiled, his heart constricting.

Kakashi could be terribly cold and hurtful when he chose to be; but at times like this, he was completely overwhelmed by the jounin's kindness he barely knew what to do.

"I'm fine." He managed to say. "Let's go, the scroll is this way."

Feeling calmer, he led them past the last few shelves and knelt down to look at the bottom rack. Taking out a penlight, he clicked it on and held it between his teeth, freeing his hands as he searched for the right scroll by the weak light.

"Got it." His heart leapt as his hand closed around the scroll tagged with the number he was looking for.

"Good work." Kakashi spared him a glance from where he stood guard, watching the door and windows. They shared a brief, triumphant smile.

Turning his attention back to the scroll, Iruka unfurled it and quickly read the contents, wanting to make sure there wasn't a third part to the record they needed to look for.

The dark sense of foreboding that hung heavily at the back of his mind also spurred him on. A chill ran down his spine as he translated the old script of the Takigakure dialect, anxious to see what the distraction of the explosive tags planted in the academy was for.

And what else they had left in Konoha that would kill them all.

As the meaning of the scroll became clear, he went rigid with terror. "Kakashi!"

The jounin was crouching down at his side in an instant, his uncovered eye wide with alarm at the tone of fear in Iruka's voice. "What is it?"

"They've poisoned our water." His voice shook as he gestured vaguely at the scroll, distraught. "That's what they snuck in to do while the explosive tags were going off at the academy as a distraction."

"And _everyone_ in the village drinks the water." Kakashi finished grimly, his eye narrowed with fury.

Iruka nodded, feeling faint. The implications made him shudder. "It's predicted it'll take effect in a couple of days from now."

"What do we know about the poison? Is it something Tsunade can make an antidote for?"

"It'll take time if she doesn't know the components." He pointed to the list on the scroll. "And not if she's ill with the poison too."

"Then we must get this scroll to her quickly." Kakashi rose to his feet, his voice hard with determination. "Let's go."

Iruka nodded, tucking the scroll away safely into the folds of his cloak and secured it. A peek outside showed him that the corridor was deserted. Stepping out, he moved as quietly as he could down the long hallway. He could feel Kakashi a step behind him, alert with nervous energy.

Following the layout of the building he had committed to memory, Iruka led them to the flight of stairs. From what he had learned, there were several tunnels under the administrative building leading to the outskirts of the village, allowing messages to be swiftly delivered from the various outposts even in times of the harsh winter weather. It was ideal for their escape.

He took a deep breath and descended the stairs, his pulse racing in his ears. Fervently hoping that the tunnels were not heavily guarded, he cast a quick glance over his shoulder at Kakashi. They were only a two-man team. Although he did not doubt the stories about the jounin's prowess in battle, if they were vastly outnumbered, he doubt even the Copynin could escape capture.

Without warning, a siren sounded, loud and clear from somewhere in the upper reaches of the building. The lamps flared and the dimly lit stairwell was suddenly flooded with light.

Iruka jumped at the loud blaring sound and shot his teammate a panicked look.

They had been discovered.

As one, they bolted down the stairs. There was no time for stealth or secrecy. Driven by one thought in their minds, they rushed forward.

They must reach the tunnels before the guards there were reinforced!

Above, shouts rang out as Takigakure shinobi searched for the intruders, their voices muffled and echoing through the building.

"There!" Someone cried, the voice distinct and alarmingly close. The man was only a several flights of stairs above them and his strident shout chilled Iruka down to his marrow.

Without a break in his stride, Kakashi twisted round and flung a shuriken up at the ninja who had spotted them, tearing the man's throat out with a spray of blood.

"Go!" He commanded, pushing Iruka forward even as the dead shinobi toppled over.

They raced on, now more desperate than ever to reach the tunnels. They had silenced the ninja who discovered them, but the damage was done. Footsteps pounded and shouts filled the stairwell as shinobi swamped the narrow space, alerted by their fallen comrade.

Gritting his teeth, Iruka forced another burst of speed into his stride. If they were killed here, all would be lost. Konoha would be destroyed.

It seemed like an eternity but they finally reached the bottom of the stairs and the opening of the tunnels came into view. Iruka breathed a sigh of relief when he saw only two men guarding the entrance. They sprang up in surprise, reaching for their weapons, confused and obviously unaware of intruders in the building.

He took one man out with a kunai and from the corner of his eye, he saw Kakashi do the same to the other guard.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, Iruka took a moment to study the tunnels, listening anxiously to the noise of their pursuers on the stairs as he tried to remember where each led.

"This way, this tunnel should take us northwest, where it's least well guarded." He called to Kakashi. "We can easily get out of the village from there."

He turned, ready to sprint down the tunnel when he realized the jounin had not moved from where he stood.

Puzzled, he turned back, frowning impatiently. "Come on, Kakashi! What are you waiting for? They're almost here!"

The jounin shook his head. "Listen, Iruka." He said quietly, almost gently. "We're outnumbered and we can't outrun them. Not when they're more familiar with these tunnels than we are."

"So I want you to go on ahead. I'll see what I can do to slow them down."

"Wait a minute…you can't be serious…you…" He stared wide-eyed at Kakashi, choking back a half-hysterical laugh, stunned and terrified. But the expression in the masked face was solemn with unwavering resolve.

"No, Kakashi! No!" A burst of anger rose in him, furious that Kakashi would even think he would agree to leave him behind. He stalked forward and grabbed his arm, fully intent on dragging him along with force if he had to. "I won't! We're wasting time here, let's just-"

Kakashi sighed, pulling out of his grip. "I knew you wouldn't agree." He looked at him grimly, his voice stern with rebuke. "But please, the village needs that scroll and they need _you_ to translate what's on there for them. _Everyone's_ life is depending on it."

Iruka bit his lip, unable to argue in face of reason. He knew Kakashi was being rational, he knew it was the right thing to do. But all that knowledge could do nothing for the pain in his heart.

The dark eye softened at his stricken look. "You told me once, my duty was to protect the information." The jounin gave him a small, wry smile. "So practice what you preach, sensei, and let me do my damn job."

"Kakashi…"

The jounin took him by his shoulders and urged him towards the opening of the tunnel. The sound of the pursuit was getting closer. "Just run, don't look back, don't stop for anything." He shrugged, trying to lighten the mood. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

Waving a hand airily, his uncovered eye crinkled as he smiled into the lie. "Maa, I'll see you back in Konoha."

Swallowing hard, Iruka reached out and grasped one of the half-gloved hands tightly with his own. "Alright, don't take too long." He smiled tremulously, fighting to keep his voice steady.

Then, ignoring the burning in his eyes, he lowered his head and ran.

He did not look back.


	31. Chapter 31

Thanks for all the reviews everyone, even though I left it with a nasty cliffhanger. (apologetic) For this chapter, in case anyone cares about spoilers, it contains some references to the Naruto OVA2.  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: I'm trying but I'm not used to writing action, so it's encouraging to hear that you think the action is good.  
To eve: Yeah, I shall miss writing this story when it's done too. (sniff)  
To Harvey: Ah, sorry about the cliffhanger…but they spice up stories, ne? (smile)  
To You rock: I have a happy ending planned for this story so please bear with the angst for a little longer!

And finally, just a quick word of caution, there's a bit of violence in this chapter.

**Chapter Thirty-One**

His hand hurt.

Kakashi breathed out a soft sigh as he shifted his arm slightly, trying to relieve the ache. But it only sent sparks of shooting pain racing from fingertips to wrist until his hand felt as though it was on fire.

He grimaced, sagging a little against the chains. The movement set him swaying gently from where he was strung up with his toes barely touching the ground. Closing his eyes, he focused on the motion, letting it sooth him as he waited for the flash of pain to ebb.

His lips curled into a small resigned smile beneath his mask. He had been prepared for this of course; he was fully aware of what it meant for him when he made the decision to stay behind.

After all, with almost every shinobi on guard that night chasing after them, he knew they were badly outnumbered. And by the horror he saw in Iruka's eyes, he knew the chunin understood that as well.

Even as they assuage each other with strained smiles and false promises, they both knew to stay behind meant to be killed or captured.

Yet, there was little else they could do. With so much at stake, all that mattered was that Iruka had gotten away.

Kakashi took a slow breath, the tight band of anxiety around his chest loosened a little at that thought. His feelings for the chunin aside, both the scroll and Iruka were key to the success of the mission. They were critical for the survival of their village.

Without them, the consequences for Konoha would be unimaginable.

When the wave of pain in his hand passed, he opened one eye and looked around. All things considered, he mused as he peered into the gloomy darkness of the small cell, he wasn't doing too badly.

While the battle in the tunnels had been long and intense, he did not feel the usual weakness of chakra depletion. He had lost the strip of cloth covering his eye but he was careful to keep the Sharingan closed so it wouldn't drain him further.

Taking care not to jar his broken hand, he stretched carefully, trying to ease the cramp in his back from being bound up in such an uncomfortable position. The bruises and cuts he had suffered in the scuffle as they took him down throbbed faintly in protest, but none of the wounds were serious.

He glanced at the rusting metal cuffs around his wrists thoughtfully. In fact, although he was unable to perform a proper jutsu with one hand incapacitated, he knew he could still get out of the chains and sneak out of the prison if he wished. He wouldn't win in a head on fight, surrounded by so many enemy ninja, but stealth was his strong suit. He could slip out undetected and be gone before any alarm could be raised.

But he chose not to.

For as long as their attention was focused on him, the less likely they were to go after Iruka.

He smiled wistfully into the darkness.

In these quiet moments when they left him alone in his cell, his thoughts would turn to the chunin. He remembered the way he had looked when he saw him last, standing so firmly resolved to do what he must. With that familiar brave smile and his hands bunched into fists at his sides, the dear man was practically radiant with that strong courageous spirit he loved so well.

But he had almost faltered when he saw the look in his eyes. The brown eyes above the scarred nose had glimmered with a terrible anguish, brimming with so much reluctance and despair.

It surprised him to realize how much his teammate did not want to be parted from him, how deeply Iruka longed to be near him.

Warmth touched his heart, his smile softened.

Like an invisible charm that protected him, just thinking of the expression in those eyes filled him with a new strength to endure what he must for the mission.

Yet he could not help the flutter of worry through his gut. Although Iruka was far from defenseless, he was alone in the middle of hostile territory, fighting his way back home through the harsh unforgiving weather all on his own.

Kakashi bit his lip. For all their sakes, he hoped the chunin made it out of Takigakure all right.

Absently, he glanced up at the window cut high into the wall, gazing past the metal bars to the small square of night sky outside. It was snowing again, the white flakes fluttering past the window shimmered prettily in the moonlight, occasionally billowing into the room on a gust of wind.

A day had passed, he thought as he squinted out of one eye, trying to see the positions of the stars through the swirl of snow to judge the time. Iruka must have crossed the border by now and would arrive in Konoha in another day.

The chunin must have escaped safely. Iruka must have made it out alive and well on his way home.

It was just simply unbearable to think otherwise.

With a weary sigh, he closed his eyes and sent a silent blessing after the chunin, wishing Iruka all the grace and swiftness of his namesake.

The squeak of the cell door opening startled him. With senses dulled by pain and chakra suppressed, he didn't even detect the shinobi of Hidden Falls until the man had unlocked the door and stepped inside.

With an air of cool indifference, Kakashi gave the visitor a bored, one-eyed glance. It was the same person who had been coming to question him since he was first brought to the cell.

The man regarded him with equal dispassion. Squat and portly, with thinning hair, he did not look particularly intimidating. There were a few old scars around the unsmiling mouth but they were fading with age. Even the severe black trench coat, with the Waterfall hitai-ate gleaming proudly tied around his arm did little to alter the image of a ninja, well-fed and tamed by the years of retirement from service.

But it was his eyes that sent chills into Kakashi's heart.

Like the treacherous waters of a deep bottomless lake, they glittered in the darkness without a ripple of emotion in them. Ice blue and sharp as a blade, the even gaze seemed to pierce straight through his soul, slicing slivers of his defenses away with a clinical precision until all his secrets had nowhere left to hide.

Kakashi forced himself to stay still as he looked unflinchingly back into those keen blue eyes. He wasn't ruthless enough for this profession but he had to work with Ibiki on several occasions and he knew a master interrogator when he saw one.

His lips tightened into a grim line beneath his mask. There was no doubt this was a very dangerous man.

This time, there was something smug in the raptor gaze that made Kakashi's skin crawl with unease.

In grave silence, they appraised each other.

"Now that you had time to think," The man's voice was soft and silken, heavy with the Takigakure accent. "are you ready to talk, Copynin?"

"Sure." He smiled airily, tilting his head to the side as he pretended to give the matter serious thought. "Saa, the weather this time of year in your country is simply appalling, isn't it?"

A muscle in his jaw twitched but the man showed no other outward sign of his annoyance. "What is your purpose in Takigakure?"

"Ah, there you go again." Kakashi chided in mock dismay. Heaving an exaggerated sigh, he shook his head as though speaking to rather slow child. "You know very well by now I cannot tell you that."

His interrogator shrugged dismissively. "Hm, perhaps breaking another bone in your hand might encourage you to share."

"There aren't any left." He beamed. "I counted."

The man smiled mildly. "Good, now we can start on something else."

With that, he extended a hand and pointed. A thin rope of chakra snaked out from the outstretched finger to wrap around his calve. He paused, as though waiting for Kakashi to change his mind. When it was obvious his question wouldn't be answered, he clenched his hand with a small swift jerk.

The bone snapped cleanly in two.

He should have gotten used to this after the man had systematically broken every bone in his hand. But when his leg broke with a pop and pain exploded, the red-hot agony still made him gasp.

For a moment, his vision went white and he gritted his teeth to keep himself from crying out loud. Eyes closed, he hung limply by the chains, trembling and breathing hard as he tried to catch his breath, waiting for the wave of pain to pass.

The Takigakure nin waited in silence, surveying his handiwork. "Let's try a different question then." He said, when Kakashi recovered enough to open one eye to look at him.

"Where is your teammate?"

Kakashi's heart sank. Up until that moment, Takigakure had never given any sign they knew he hadn't come alone. They had only asked about his mission, his purpose in their lands. He had hoped they did not know about Iruka.

In silence, he considered his captor, wondering if he was just pulling a bluff, trying out a new strategy in the interrogation.

Without missing a beat, he let his masked face fall into a picture of perfect puzzlement.

"Teammate?" He blinked as though surprised. "I work alone."

"Indeed." The older ninja eyed him carefully with a slow, thoughtful smile. "We have proof, you know."

His chest tightened with dread but Kakashi matched the smile with a nonchalant one of his own. "I came here alone." He repeated.

"Very well, this might help you remember." Turning around, he yelled for someone at the door. The cell door creaked open and two men came in, dragging a third figure between them.

When Kakashi saw him, his blood went cold.

His face was pale and badly bruised. A long gash, the obvious work of a kunai, tore across one cheek in a livid red line against the pallid skin. Blood stained his clothes, with a worryingly large patch at his abdomen that still looked fresh. The brown hair previously neatly bunched up was coming loose and the soft strands falling about his face made him seem small and frail.

Iruka.

His heart broke at how roughed up Iruka was. It took all his restraint to remain impassive as he watched them toss the chunin unceremoniously at the interrogator's feet. With his hands tied behind his back, his teammate fell awkwardly onto the ground, grimacing in pain. He lay on his side, panting miserably around the dirty rag stuffed in his mouth.

But he struggled to his knees after a moment, fighting to get up despite his injuries, refusing to remain down in such a vulnerable position. Raising his head, the chunin caught his eye then quickly dropped his gaze, careful not to let slip any sign that might give away their connection.

But in that brief moment, Kakashi saw the fierce defiance glowing in the depths in the brown eyes and knew Iruka had told them nothing yet.

A small rush of pride surged through him at his teammate's resilience but was quickly overwhelmed by concern. His mind was whirling. Where was the scroll now? Did Iruka manage to hide it somewhere before he was captured? How much did they actually know? Were they certain Iruka was his teammate or were they just testing him?

Outwardly, he tried to remain calm as he raced to assess the situation, trying to think of a plan to get the chunin to safety.

Stalling for time, he quirked an eyebrow and pretended to study Iruka with mild curiosity. "Maa, I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve." He shrugged. "I do not know this man."

"I see." The interrogator nodded grimly, his eyes shone molten gold in the light of the lamp. "In that case, I guess you wouldn't mind if I do _this_."

With a casual grace, he spun on his heel and delivered a swift, hard kick to Iruka's stomach.

The chunin's cry was muffled by the gag. He fell onto his side, curling up as much as his tied hands would let him; his face was a mask of pure agony. But his eyes locked onto Kakashi's and he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

Kakashi swallowed hard and willed himself to keep calm. His heart was pounding, his stomach felt sore, as if he had just taken the blow himself.

Still, his voice did not quaver as he slid a disinterested glance at their tormentor. "That was quite unnecessary." He admonished lightly. "I really do not know this man."

The older ninja was not perturbed. "We shall see." He said simply.

Pulling his leg back, he slammed his foot into the fallen chunin again before looking at Kakashi again in askance. "How about now?"

"Nope, never seen him before in my life."

Another kick. "And now?"

"Still no."

He heard a rib cracked under the next impact. "What about now?"

"Not a clue."

Although he was answering easily, his heart constricted with every sickening thump of the hard boot as it connected with Iruka's abdomen. The chunin was no longer crying out, only gasping weakly as tears ran down his face. With eyes squeezed shut against the pain, he coughed wetly, retching a little. The gag in his mouth was turning red with blood.

Kakashi's heart clenched, he felt sick. He didn't know how long Iruka would last like this. He didn't know how long he himself could remain impassive.

Worse, he could think of absolutely _nothing_ to do to save him.

Drowning in despair, he had to force himself to take a breath. Even if he were to answer the man's questions, where would it lead them? If they knew how much Iruka had learnt from that scroll, how _important_ Iruka was to the future of Konoha right now, he would surely be killed.

The man crouched down beside the gasping chunin. He caught a fist full of brown hair and pulled the prone form up, angling him towards Kakashi so he could see the captive's face clearly.

"I'm giving you one last chance, Hatake-san." He said, his voice deadly quiet. "Take a good look at this man and answer me."

Weak and shaking with pain, Iruka hung limply in his grip but he forced his eyes open and looked up.

Their eyes met.

He saw the pain. He saw the fear. But the valiant light in those brown eyes was unwavering, silently pleading him not to give in.

Kakashi licked his dry lips behind his mask. With a heavy heart, he turned away to look gravely at the Takigakure ninja.

"I do not know this man."

The hawk-like eyes narrowed. "Then I guess he is useless to us." Drawing a knife from his belt, he brought it to the chunin's throat.

It was over so fast he barely had time to react.

Blood spurted in a crimson arc across the dusty floor of the cell.

Iruka's eyes went wide with pain and shock for a second, then they fell shut. He crumpled, and the man let him fall, dropping onto the ground where he lay unmoving in the spreading pool of his own blood.

Dead.

"_No!_" The cry that tore from his throat was wrecked with such raw desolation and utter loss he could hardly recognize it as his own. He lunged forward, straining against the chains that held him. Devastated by pain and grief, he could only stare wide-eyed at Iruka's broken, lifeless body.

And in the dark madness of his anguish, the Sharingan whirled to life.

* * *

The sudden dispel of the genjutsu caught them both by surprise.

"Kiyoshi-san!" Shibuki gasped. He put his hand out and caught his companion by the shoulder when the older man stumbled back from the force of having the control of the spell ripped from him.

Bent over with his hands on his knees, the torture specialist panted for a moment, trying to catch his breath.

"That damn Sharingan." Kiyoshi cursed, straightening slowly. "I almost had him."

Shibuki bit his lip as he turned to look past the cell door to their captive. The jounin hung slumped from the chains, his head drooping to his chest that heaved with his shallow, erratic breathing. He was trembling, shaking like a leaf in the storm.

With the breaking of the genjutsu, awareness was once again back in his eyes but they were so filled with pain and wild-eyed with horror, Shibuki could only wonder what the jutsu made Kakashi see.

Physical torment had not managed to faze the competent shinobi and Kiyoshi had rightly guessed the only way to break the man was to let him face demons of his own design.

But it was simply too cruel, Shibuki thought as he winced in sympathy.

He did not hate the Copynin. In fact, he remembered the man from the time he and his genin team had escorted him home. Nervous and easily spooked, Shibuki had been cowardly on their journey together but the jounin never once laughed or belittled him. He spoke to him as he would an equal, offering kind words of reassurance. And after the battle over the Hero's Water, he had even commended him for finding his courage.

The Copynin's fame may have preceded him, but it was his kindness and patience that truly made Shibuki respect the man.

"Must we really do this?" He wrung his hands, feeling small and helpless. "It's not too late if we…"

"Shibuki-sama." Kiyoshi turned to him, a disapproving glint in his blue eyes.

He must have had a woefully troubled expression on his face, for even the stern man relented, the firm lines of reprove gentled with understanding.

"I know it's hard, Shibuki-kun." His father's oldest and dearest friend sighed, momentarily allowing himself to address him with familiarity. He laid his hand on his shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze. "But with your father gone, you are the leader of Hidden Falls now. You must be strong."

"The leader?" He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "The council over-ruled everything I say. They wouldn't listen when I tell them it is better to seek peace with Konoha than war."

He huffed out a hollow laugh. "Poison their water to annihilate the whole village? That's despicable."

"You say that only because you are young." Kiyoshi shook his head, the blue eyes were shadowed with sorrow. "I was there when your father took it upon himself and drank the Hero's Water to get the power to save the village. I was there when he died from the effects the water had on his health."

"The Hero's Water has always been the secret of our village's survival. And now, Konoha knows of it, they might even have stolen a sample of it." His eyes hardened. "They've got the world's best medical genius as their Hokage, it's only a matter of time before they figure out what's in the Hero's water and replicate it." He frowned, angry and worried. "When that happens, whether they use it for their own or sell it to the highest bidder, our village is doomed."

The torture specialist's gaze was serious as he looked at him. "Doing everything we can to survive, there's nothing despicable in it."

"But Konoha may not have such intentions at all." He mumbled miserably, upset that he sounded so young and naïve. "We should negotiate first or…"

"Kill or be killed, that has always been the way in the world of the shinobi."

"But it doesn't have to be this way! Things can change, the world can change and I just…I-"

He clenched his hands, trying earnestly to put into words these strong beliefs that even for them, ninja nations burdened by a long history of bloody wars and suspicion, life could be bettered by trust and cooperation.

A soft chuckle made him look up. The older ninja laid a fond hand on his head and ruffled his hair, the way he used to do when Shibuki was a child.

"Perhaps." Kiyoshi smiled; a hint of amusement, a bit of fatherly pride, and a world of affection. "Perhaps someday, we would all learn to see the world as you do."


	32. Chapter 32

The last chapter was a bit of a thrill, wasn't it? But I'm glad that most people got a kick out of it. (smile) Thanks for all your reviews that help keep me writing!  
And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: Poor Kakashi in my story really does need a hug, doesn't he?  
To ragni mithrim: Yeah, Kakashi has to suffer a bit more before the end I'm afraid.

And now, on with the story.

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

A scream pierced through the quiet of the night.

Kakashi woke with a start, both eyes snapping open with a sharp intake of breath.

The shock was like that of falling through thin ice into a freezing river in winter; his entire body was cold and rigid with fear. Breathing hard, his eyes darted around wildly, inspecting the room with the Sharingan as he stretched out his senses as far as he could, alert for any sign of trouble.

But by the weak moonlight shining in through the small window, he could see that the dark emptiness of his cell remained unchanged. He was quite alone. There was no blood upon the ground, no trace of any jutsu in the air.

And he was starting to realize the faint echoes of the scream still ringing in his ears existed only in his mind.

_A dream._ He breathed out a soft sigh, sagging with relief against the chains. _It was only a dream._

For a moment, he felt like laughing, finding it absurd how easily he was spooked. But the memory was still fresh in his mind and he shuddered, unable to entirely suppress the sense of unease that still chilled his skin.

In his dream, the voice who had cried out in such terrible agony had sounded like Iruka…

Chasing the thought away with a firm shake of his head, Kakashi took a deep, calming breath. He shifted a little, glancing up at his hands as he flexed them experimentally, trying to judge how much longer he could afford to wait before making his escape. The hand the Takigakure interrogator had so methodically broken was probably still hurting but he could no longer feel his hands after being strung up by his arms for so long.

In contrast, he was fully aware of every pulse of pain in the Sharingan, a dull throbbing ache that had been steadily growing in intensity for the past hour.

A warning sign of overuse.

He sighed, blinking hard in an attempt to soothe it. He knew he ought to let the eye rest, conserve his chakra before it drained him dry but he dared not.

The genjutsu had shaken him up more than he cared to admit. It was simply ridiculous of course; he had been through countless such attacks and knew very well there was nothing to fear from a mere illusion once you have recognized it as such. Yet, not even the ordeal he had suffered, trapped in the never-ending world of pain Itachi created, could compare to this.

There was something about watching Iruka die, seeing the life go out of those dark expressive eyes and being utterly helpless to do anything to stop it, that tore a gaping wound deep into his soul.

Kakashi swallowed hard. He felt shattered, barely holding onto the broken pieces of himself to keep his composure together.

And despite all his years of training as a battle-hardened soldier, he feared the next genjutsu the Takigakure nin threw at him would be the one that finally breaks him.

That's why he dared not shut the Sharingan, terrified of what he might see if he were to close the eye, even for a moment. He sighed, the dream while he had unintentionally dozed off was enough proof of that.

The lone torch on the far wall hissed and popped, casting shadows that danced maniacally on the walls around him. The chief interrogator had not returned since the previous night. They had left him alone all day and he wondered what it meant. With a grim sort of satisfaction, he amused himself with thoughts that perhaps the genjutsu had taken much strength out of the ninja or that the chakra backlash when the Sharingan broke the illusion had incapacitated the man.

He tried not to consider the more sinister alternative, that they had really captured Iruka and were too busy questioning the chunin to be bothered with him.

Raising his eyes, the jounin glanced out of the window to the night sky outside. It had been two days since he last saw the chunin; Iruka must have reached Konoha by now. He would wait another half a day to be sure before he attempted his escape.

But for now, the thought of his teammate making it home safely was a source of comfort to his flagging spirit.

He dropped his gaze, absently tracing the cracks on the ground where the flagstones fit together as his mind drifted. A small smile crept across his face as he imagined the schoolteacher sitting on the squeaky old couch with the broken spring in the chunin's apartment. Freshly showered with his long dark hair unbound about his shoulders, he sat warm and perfectly safe, sipping a mug of hot tea as he rested from his journey.

It was a calming image and Kakashi held on to it with the desperation of a drowning man, trying to gain whatever small measure of strength he could.

Yet, he knew well it wasn't enough. The dark fears in his heart could only be put to rest when he saw for himself that the chunin was truly all right.

He longed for Iruka to stand before him, whole and unharmed.

He wanted to be able to touch him, to see his dear honest face and let the brilliance of his smile banish the horrific scene of the chunin lying dead on the ground from his mind.

He wanted to see him. He wanted to see him _so_ much…

Kakashi sighed and let his head droop tiredly to his chest. He had never wanted to see Iruka so badly in his life as he did now…

A booming echo of a distant explosion jolted him awake.

He startled at the sound, realizing with dismay his eyes had drifted shut with exhaustion once more.

But sharp pain pierced through Obito's eye when he tried to open it and he grimaced, his heart sinking. Resigned, he opened his own eye and stared at the door of the cell grimly, wondering what new illusions the interrogator would show him now that he was unable to use the Sharingan.

Beyond the cell came a cacophony of scuffling feet and urgent voices. The commotion grew louder, people were yelling in the corridor, the thumps of heavy boots running across the ground reverberated until it seemed the whole building was a hive of activity. Kakashi could not make out the words through the thick wood of the door but the distress in their voices was clear.

He frowned warily, listening intently even as the noise in the corridor outside faded until it became a faint echo from a more distant place. In the long silence that followed, Kakashi reached out with his senses, carefully probing for the chakra of those beyond the door to determine what was happening.

The guards stationed outside his cell were still there, although their energies were touched oddly with anxiety. The situation grew even more puzzling as he pushed out with his senses to find the rest of the corridor completely empty.

Not a trace of any human when usually there were at least a few shinobi on patrol at any time of the day.

He was still wondering at this bizarre turn of events when unexpectedly, there came a small, muffled cry of surprise right outside the door of his cell.

The door creaked open, momentarily revealing the prone forms of both guards crumpled on the ground before a dark shape filtered in. In the next moment, it melted out of the shadows and was rushing forward to stand by his side.

"Kakashi." Iruka's voice was shaky with relief but he gave him a warm, glowing smile. "Come on, let's go."

Kakashi raised an amused eyebrow. This time, he wasn't even surprised.

Silently, he studied the apparition that held the likeness of the chunin, mildly curious as to where this new development would lead.

_Their hard tactics didn't work so they're trying something softer, eh?_ Kakashi thought wryly.

Iruka had started fumbling with the chains that bound his hands, picking the locks and tugging his arms free with an almost frantic urgency.

"The explosion worked but the fire at the granary would only distract them for so long." He said in a rush, tripping over his words. "Most of their shinobi are mobilized but it won't be long before they realize it's a diversion. Hurry, we have to be gone before that and I…I-"

Iruka broke off, one hand still clutching the remaining lock tightened convulsively around Kakashi's wrist. There was something raw and desperate in his brown eyes as he gazed into his masked face searchingly.

Then without warning, Iruka bit his lip and closed his eyes, leaning forward to rest his forehead against the jounin's shoulder as though his strength had left him all at once.

"I'm so glad you're alright, Kakashi." He whispered tremulously, his voice sounding small and choked.

Kakashi glanced idly down at the top of the brown head, feeling a tug at his heart despite his resolve to remain unaffected. The flawlessness of the genjutsu was truly remarkable.

He couldn't help but admired how precisely the jutsu had replicated the bristly texture of the short ponytail the schoolteacher always wore his hair in. As the chunin straightened to smile at him once more, he marveled at how perfectly the illusion had captured the rich chocolate of Iruka's eyes, exquisite in detail right down to the soft luminous quality that gentled the gaze whenever the chunin used to look at him like that.

Suddenly, he was tempted to let the genjutsu take hold of him for just a bit longer, just a little more time to savor this precious moment he knew he could never have in reality.

But to indulge in an illusion was a dangerous thing. Stay too long and one would soon find he can no longer leave.

And in deep down, Kakashi knew this wonderful genjutsu could break him as surely as the horrific one.

Taking a deep breath to brace himself, he took one last longing look at the vision of the chunin and forced the Sharingan open.

Nothing happened.

The Sharingan burned and ached but the vision still stood before his eyes. The hand felt solid and real where it gripped his shoulder as the chunin struggled to free him from the rest of the chains.

As the last lock clicked open and the chains fell away, the rush of chakra returning to his system caught him by surprise. He stumbled, pain flaring as his broken leg buckled under him, unable to support his weight.

Strong hands caught him and when he looked up, he found himself staring into the wide, anxious eyes of the specter who wore his beloved's face.

"Are you alright? Where are you hurt?" The chunin looked worried as he lowered him to the ground, carefully checking him over for wounds.

Puzzled, Kakashi squinted hard, forcefully channeling more chakra into the Sharingan even though the eye moaned in protest.

Iruka scowled and hastily clamped his hand over the eye. "Oh for goodness sake! Are you trying to knock yourself out?" He scolded, digging around in his pack for a strip of rag and wrapping it around his eye. "Keep that damn thing closed!"

Kakashi shook his head, trying to dislodge the bandage, shying away from the chunin's hands in bewilderment. Fear flared in him and turned his blood cold.

Was this a genjutsu that even the Sharingan could not break?

His encounter with Itachi flashed through his mind and he felt ill with dread. If the Akatsuki were involved in this…

"…should have worked…" He mumbled, struggling to move his shattered hand, thinking perhaps he needed the right seal to strengthen the dispel. "_Kai._"

"What?" The look of annoyance on Iruka's face melted into confusion, before turning into startled comprehension and alarm.

"Dear heavens, Kakashi…" The chunin breathed, stricken. "What have they done to you?"

Before he knew it, Iruka had wrapped his arms around him and he was being pulled forward into a tight embrace.

Kakashi held himself very still, hardly daring to breathe, hardly knowing what to think. After a long moment, he gingerly laid his head against the chunin's shoulder.

Through the muddled thoughts and fears in his mind, he could feel Iruka's warmth, hear the strong regularity of his heartbeat in his chest. The heavy fabric of the chunin's coat felt soft when he raised his hands hesitantly to smooth his palms over the curve of his back. And he discovered that when he turned his head just so, he could catch a whiff of pine and earth of the wilderness beyond the walls of Takigakure on the sun-browned skin.

His senses were reeling, the fog of uncertainty lifting. The world was coming sharply into focus.

Real.

It was all so painfully, nostalgically, _wondrously_ real.

"I-Iruka?"

The chunin released him and nodded firmly. "Yes, that's right." He smiled, gripping his hand in encouragement. "It's me, it's really me."

"Iruka." He repeated slowly, still unable to completely let his guard down even though his lips were already curling into an involuntary smile beneath his mask.

Then it struck him.

"You!" He exploded. Lunging forward, he seized a fistful of the chunin's coat and hauled him to his feet, anger blocking out the flash of pain in his broken leg as he stood.

"No, _no!_ You _cannot _be here!" He gave his teammate a hard shake, his voice rough with fury. His eye darted to the door, half-expecting Takigakure shinobi to pour in at any moment to seize the chunin. "What the hell are you doing back here?"

"Saving you, of course." Iruka snapped back, pulling out of his grip. His brow was furrowed with annoyance but it was obvious he was making an effort to control his temper.

Spreading his hands in a conciliatory gesture, he forced a smile, the scar across his nose pulling as he tried to lighten the mood. "Ah, forgive me. I know you'd rather me burst in here all drama and flair, the way the hero in those silly books you always read do." He shrugged and grinned cheekily. "But I just don't do grand entrances like that well."

Kakashi ignored his attempt at humor. He narrowed his eyes, anger and anxiety coiling into a hard knot in his stomach. "You had your orders." He growled, leveling a stern commanding finger at him. "The scroll, the mission…our _village!_"

"Listen Kakashi, it's fine. Really, just-"

"It's fine? Are you out of your mind?" He fumed, gritting his teeth. "If you're caught, our village wouldn't stand a chance. Without you to warn them, the poison would wipe them out before they even know what's happening!"

Taking a trembling breath, he pressed a hand to his forehead, suddenly feeling weak from the sheer horror of the thought. The village, their people, the things all shinobi sworn to protect with their lives…

Upset and frustrated, he shook his head at the chunin, unable to even _begin_ to understand what could have possessed the normally sensible man to do such a foolish thing.

Yet perhaps, he thought in bitter disappointment as he looked at his teammate, it should come as no surprise.

For all that he believed he understood Iruka, he was reminded every time their views clashed like this, the man was ultimately a schoolteacher. He was not a jounin who once served in the ANBU amongst others who didn't know if they were wraiths or humans. He grew up in a family with parents who died noble deaths and knew nothing about what it felt like to live under the shadow of dishonor.

His lips curled into a slow, sardonic smile. They lived and looked at the world in such vastly different ways, he was starting to think he had never understood Iruka at all.

Iruka stood glaring at him, his lips pressed into a thin, stubborn line. The expression on his face was hotly indignant but his eyes were filled with hurt. "Do you honestly think I do not know that?" He said quietly.

"Do you?" He gave him a withering look and mocked. "Can you really do the math, sensei? Risking hundreds of lives for one person? In what twisted little world of yours does that logic work out?"

Iruka's hands tightened into fists by his side, unable to contain his temper much longer. His eyes were flint hard as he lifted his chin and looked him squarely in the eye. "It works out perfectly when that one person is more important to me than anyone else in the village!"

Kakashi blinked, his breath caught in his throat. Stunned speechless by the adamant statement, he could only gape at the chunin in silence.

Iruka stared back at him, his brown eyes going wide with shock as he realized what he had just blurted out. In the next instant, his cheeks flushed and he clapped a hand over his mouth, looking away with a curse.

Scowling and blushing with equal intensity, he muttered angrily to himself. "…seriously…making me say such embarrassing things…"

Taking a slow measured breath, Kakashi continued to stare at the flustered chunin, half in amusement and half in awe. A small traitorous tendril of hope was unfurling in his chest but he clamped down firmly on it before it could lodge into his heart.

The terrible strain of the mission and the dangers of their situation could make a person say strange things, he told himself sternly. Besides, they had been arguing heatedly and Iruka always did say things he did not mean when provoked.

Or perhaps, he had simply misunderstood what the chunin meant.

Kakashi swallowed hard. He must not delude himself and let his wishful thinking lead him to misinterpret Iruka's words. He had made that mistake once, in those months he had spent trying to woo the chunin back, only to learn that he was deceiving himself.

He must not let it happen again.

Yet, he couldn't help the small rueful smile that touched his lips and the ache in his heart as he watched Iruka scratch distractedly at the scar across his nose, his cheeks still bright with his blush as he blustered about awkwardly, trying to overcome his embarrassment.

"And give me some credit, alright?" The chunin was grumbling. "I got to the safe house on the border, two miles west of where we entered Takigakure and translated the scroll."

"I've already sent it back to Hokage-sama by messenger bird before I came back for you so I did _not_ put the mission at risk." He added with a sullen glare at the jounin.

Without a suitable retort and properly chastised, Kakashi heaved a deep sigh then shrugged.

"Maa, then I suppose you're right Iruka-sensei. I do like a good old hero-styled rescue…" He drawled, making sure his exposed eye was crinkling up so that Iruka could see his smile.

Giving the man a half-lidded glance, he sniffed with exaggerated disdain. "But I suppose it's fine to be saved once in a while by sneaky chunin schoolteachers too."

Iruka laughed, the tension finally leaving his face and it cheered Kakashi greatly to see that his unspoken apology was accepted.

The chunin quirked an eyebrow at him in challenge. "Seeing as you are no fair damsel yourself, I'll say a sneaky chunin schoolteacher would be far more suited for you."

"Too true." Kakashi conceded softly, half-hoping the chunin wouldn't hear.

If Iruka had heard, he gave no sign. Crouching down to examine his injuries, his teammate's face had turned serious as he gently straightened his leg and studied the broken bone of his shin. His expression turned darker as he cradled the tortured hand in his own, shaking his head at the swollen, purple limb.

"They've broken every bone, those bastards." He muttered angrily as he started pulling out supplies from his pack. Almost tenderly, he wrapped the shattered hand in gauze before stabilizing it with a splint.

Tying the last loose ends of the bandage together neatly, he looked up at him and frowned.

"I've mended your leg so it'll hold together long enough for us to get home but this hand," He sighed gravely as he fingered the bandages. "it'll need a real medic nin to take a look at it if you ever want to be able to use it again."

Kakashi nodded, looking at his teammate more closely, suddenly concerned. Iruka sounded tired.

While the threat to the village had been at the foremost of his mind, he had been blind to everything else. Now reassured that the vital information had been sent forward to Konoha, he was starting to notice for the first time how worn Iruka looked.

The hem of the chunin's coat and his boots were wet from trudging through the snow. His lips were chapped from prolonged exposure to the cold winds and there was a sheen of exhaustion in the dark eyes. The jounin's concern grew when he saw the bruise that marred the brown cheek and the edge of a bloodstained bandage that was showing through a tear in the sleeve of his coat.

The past two days must have been tough for Iruka, he realized. The chunin must have endured many dangers to escape from Takigakure and even more to sneak back in to get him. The man did not look like he had any rest since he last saw him.

Iruka helped him to his feet, nodding approvingly at his handiwork when the broken leg held.

"Right." Handing a weapons pouch and a spare set of kunai to the jounin, he smiled, his eyes bright with joy and anticipation. "Come on, Kakashi, let's go home."

Kakashi clutched the items tightly in his good hand, fingers curling around the familiar solid contours of the kunai. His heart constricted.

On impulse, he reached out and caught the chunin's arm.

"Ah, before we go, I just wanted to say…" He scratched at the back of his head with a strained laugh, feeling awkward under the chunin's quizzical gaze. "...thank you. Thank you for coming back for me."

Iruka rolled his eyes as he heaved a sigh of fond exasperation. "How could I ever leave you behind?" He grinned, turning away to head towards the door.

The words, spoken so easily with such little deliberation, brought a sudden lump to Kakashi's throat. He gazed wistfully after the chunin's turned back, his heart heavy with the old weight of regret.

_But the truth is, Iruka…you already have._


	33. Chapter 33

Ah, another year has passed…and I'm still working on this story. (amazed) Yeah, I intended for this story to be a simple, straightforward amnesia fic but it has really grown. Many thanks to everyone who has reviewed to give me feedback and encouragement, your comments have really kept me writing! Best wishes for the new year and hope you'll continue to enjoy this story. (smile)

And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Vesca: Actually, Iruka is feeling a lot more than camaraderie right now…Kakashi just needs to learn to see it.  
To cjandre: Hm, Iruka does realize he has feelings for Kakashi now but feels bad because he cannot live up to what he thinks is Kakashi's expectation of him.  
To Senna-chan: Er…sorry for squishing away all the happy feelings. (sigh) Well, just a bit more to the happy ending so hang on, okay?  
To eve: You're welcome. (hands over tissues)  
To Ragni Mithrim: Hooray! Fangirl moment! (grin)  
To wyrd: Thank you so much for three reviews in a row! It made me very happy. (smile) I'm glad to read comments even if it's not for the latest chapter, because your reviews really make me look back and see how Iruka has evolved and grown in his relationship with Kakashi, and how much more they can still develop. It helps me put things into perspective. (thoughtful) As for your question, I meant the fibula was broken. The interrogator was able to manipulate chakra to break one bone at a time.

And now, to the story!

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

The first light of dawn glimmering faintly through the trees was a welcomed sight to Iruka's eyes.

Landed lightly on a branch, he took a breath of the chilled morning air and pushed off again, racing through the forest with a lighter heart. The rosy glow of sunrise stealing across the grey eastern sky filled him with a wonderful sense of relief and new hope. As he ran, a smile rose unbidden to his lips.

The long, dark night had ended.

And with it, the two desperate days since he was forced to abandon his teammate was finally over as well.

Iruka swallowed, feeling his stomach clench even as he recalled it now. The jounin's sacrifice had been a sound tactical decision, borne of logical reasoning and their combined years of experience as shinobi. The success of the mission was imperative and he would not have been able to escape with the scroll otherwise.

But to leave Kakashi behind like this, knowing full well he was leaving him to death or torture…

It almost broke his heart.

Taking a calming breath, he pushed the remnants of his fears aside. That was over now. His plan had worked; his teammate was once again back by his side. Amidst the chaos of the diversion he had created, they had managed to sneak away from Takigakure with minimal resistance, getting away with only minor cuts and bruises from their run in with a few Hidden Falls nin.

It was an immense relief too the day before, to catch sight of one of the Hokage's hawks circling high overhead in the late afternoon. A signal that the translated scroll had been safely delivered.

The mission was done, he thought with a smile.

All that was left, was to get themselves home.

But when he caught a glimpse of Kakashi though the trees as his teammate ran beside him, his smile faded.

Despite his injuries, Kakashi seemed reasonably well. Once outside Takigakure and spywork was no longer their priority, the jounin had slipped back into the role of team leader comfortably, setting the pace and guiding them on the fastest path to the border with a calm efficiency. Even as Iruka watched him now, his companion was moving with a natural ease, bounding fluidly from one branch to the next with an almost effortless grace.

Yet there were moments when a pained look would come into his exposed eye; darkly glistening with a raw, terrible suffering, as though he had witnessed an unspeakable horror.

It was worrying too, how Kakashi had reacted when he first found him in the prison cell. The jounin had been frightfully disoriented, appearing unable to tell reality from illusion as he struggled in vain to dispel the jutsu he believed he was under.

There had been something heartbreakingly fragile about him when he finally laid his head on his shoulder, hesitantly leaning into his arms like a small distraught child that had Iruka deeply concerned.

He bit his lip, furious and upset at the terrible things the Takigakure nin must have put him through.

But mostly, he was worried for Kakashi.

The man had recovered his composure since and had shrugged off his concerns with his usual cavalier smile. But still, he could not help but notice every time the shadow of anguish passed through his dark eye, the way the thin frame drooped just the tiniest bit with exhaustion and the hint of hesitation each time the jounin put his weight on his injured leg.

Studying Kakashi with a critical eye, he frowned fretfully. He wished they didn't have to be running at this breakneck pace through the cold wilderness. He wanted to call for a stop, however brief, so that his teammate might rest but he loathe to mention it when the jounin himself had not said anything.

Besides, speed was the essence now, they needed to gain ground as quickly as possible. The Takigakure nin must have discovered their escape by now and there was no doubt they would give chase.

Reluctantly, he turned his gaze away and focused his attention back to gaining speed with each step. His breath misted in the chilled air as he huffed out a quiet sigh in frustration and pushed more force into his next jump. There was neither time nor place to act on his concerns. They were running for their lives and despite his anxiety about Kakashi, there was precious little he could do.

By late morning, the jagged peaks of the Kaiten Ridge came into view. Swinging up the branches of a tall tree, they took a minute to climb up above the canopy and looked out across the top of the trees to get their bearings.

Shrouded in mist and capped with snow, the majestic mountain range lay quiet like a sleeping dragon, magnificent and awe-inspiring in all its untamed beauty.

Iruka felt the tension loosened a little in his chest. They had made it to the border in half the time and if they kept up the pace, they could be back in Konoha by nightfall.

He glanced at Kakashi and their eyes met. He grinned, feeling almost giddy with a rush of delight when his teammate smiled back at him, his exposed eye gleaming with joyful anticipation.

It was the first real smile he had seen from the Copynin since they had escaped from Takigakure.

For a moment, he let himself basked in the light of that smile. Suddenly, their situation didn't seem so dire anymore.

Dropping back among the trees, they sped on with fresh vigor, running through the forest with a childlike exuberance. Iruka smiled, lifting his face to catch the wind as he weaved in between the trees. A bubble of happiness was growing in his chest, warming him with its glow such that he barely felt the cold air whipping at his cheeks.

Kakashi was going to be alright. Everything was going to be alright.

And they would be home soon.

The attack, when it came, was unexpected. He sensed the attack a second before it happened, dodging aside just enough to avoid the blade racing for his heart but couldn't leap clear entirely of the shinobi who lunged at him from behind.

The heavier form of the enemy nin barreled into him like a blow from a sledgehammer. He twisted as he fell, trying to land on his feet but there wasn't enough time. He tumbled to the ground, dashing into the knee-deep snow with a spray of white and skidding to a painful stop against the base of a tree.

In the next instant, he sprung to his feet and pressed his back against the trunk of the tree. With a kunai in his hand, his eyes darted around the gloom of the forest floor for the attacker.

With a small rustle of pine needles, Kakashi dropped with more grace to the ground a couple of feet away. The jounin was holding his broken hand close to his body, the corner of his uncovered eye tight with pain. Iruka winced in sympathy. The impact when they knocked him from the trees must have jarred his injured hand terribly.

Palming a kunai with his good hand, his teammate caught his eye and nodded, signaling for them to stand back to back in the classic formation best suited for a two-man defense when outnumbered.

But before either of them could move, five ninja dropped into the clearing.

And in unison, they all went straight for Kakashi.

Iruka's eyes widened with alarm as he rushed to his companion's aid. It was clear they have chosen to deal with the jounin first, knowing the Copynin was the more powerful and dangerous of the two.

But he had hardly taken two steps when a broadly built form jumped down in front of him, blocking him from his path.

The man who had knocked him from the trees smiled toothily. The hitai-ate tied proudly around his forehead held back the fall of his curly black hair gleamed. He took a threatening step forward, the sharp blade of his katana whistled as he whirled it with practiced ease in his hand.

Iruka gripped his weapon tighter, bringing it up hastily as his opponent brought his sword crashing down overhead. The metallic ring as their blades met reverberated through the clearing.

Springing back, Iruka dropped into a defensive crouch as he quickly assessed the situation. His hand was smarting from blocking the blow. The man was almost as skilled as Hayate had been with the katana, and what he lacked, he more than made up for it with brawny strength. His heart sank. With his smaller build and short-ranged weapons, he knew he was at a clear disadvantage.

His opponent regarded him with a slow smile, smug with the knowledge that he had the upper hand. Without warning, he lifted his sword and charged.

Iruka leapt back behind a tree to avoid the blow, grimacing when the blade struck and sent bits of bark flying. He cast a glance in Kakashi's direction in dismay.

The relentless attacks from the sword-wielding shinobi were forcing him further and further away from his teammate. The jounin spun and kicked and slashed out with a deadly grace in the center of the ever-tightening circle of enemy nin. One woman already lay dead by his feet but it was clear Kakashi was tiring fast.

His chakra reserves had already been greatly expended and by the fact he had not uncovered the Sharingan meant he had hardly any left. Worse, with one hand broken, the jounin could not draw upon his strongest skills and perform any jutsu.

Muttering a low curse in frustration, Iruka tore his eyes away from his teammate and faced his own opponent once more. He needed to finish this fight as soon as possible and go help Kakashi.

The man was stalking towards him, moving more cautiously as he left the light of the clearing and entered the shadows of the forest. Leaving a clone in his place behind the tree, Iruka circled quietly around behind him, careful to keep out of sight of the swordsman. Getting into position, he calmed himself and focused his mind, taking in the angles and distance as he took aim and hurled a kunai right between the enemy's shoulder blades.

In the dim lighting of the forest, he miscalculated and the kunai sank into his shoulder instead of his heart.

The Takigakure nin's eyes widened, then narrowed in fury. Even as he pulled his sword from the chest of the chunin's clone, dissipating it with a puff of smoke, he growled. Turning around with slow angry deliberation, he broke into a run, rushing towards Iruka like an enraged beast.

Iruka took a deep breath and spun another kunai into his hand. The poor light and play of shadows made long range attacks unfavorable. He had no other choice. He needed to get close to the Takigakure nin if he wanted to get a strike. Grimly, he held up his blade, charging forward to meet his opponent head-on.

They clashed, the ferocity of the impact drove a shock through Iruka's arm. He frowned, fighting to keep his grip on his kunai. The blades screeched, scraping against one another as they both pushed down on their weapons in an attempt to disarm the other man.

Iruka gritted his teeth, his feet sliding and slipping on the loose snow as he was slowly being forced back by the brute force of the swordsman. Bracing his feet firmly on the ground, he struggled to steady his footing. Taking a deep breath, he mustered all his strength and pushed his opponent off with one mighty shove.

The man stumbled back a step, scuffling clumsily away to avoid the barrage of shuriken that Iruka hurled in his wake. Recovering swiftly, he lifted his sword once again, thrusting towards the chunin's side. Iruka parried the blow, slashing out with his own weapon and felt a grim satisfaction when it drew blood.

Yet, inwardly, he was growing desperate.

Faced with a stronger opponent, he needed all his concentration just to defend himself but he could sense he was being drawn further and further away from Kakashi. Shouts and cries of pain were still coming from the other side of the clearing, an indication that the jounin's battle was still going on, but he was going mad with anxiety for his teammate with every passing second he was unable to go to his aid.

His burly opponent lifted his sword to deliver another strike and Iruka finally saw an opening. It was a risky maneuver but eager to end the fight quickly, he dove for it.

Throwing himself forward, he slammed his blade up into his opponent's unprotected side.

The man went stiff with shock, staring down with wide disbelieving eyes at the hilt of the kunai protruding from between his ribs. Then his eyes glazed over, his body growing limp.

But it was too late to avert the momentum of the blow. Even as the Takigakure nin toppled over, his sword came down, cutting into Iruka's arm nearly to the bone.

The pain almost brought him to his knees. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, Iruka staggered back, clasping one hand over his wound. For a moment, he stood hunched over, breathing hard as he struggled to catch his breath. Blood seeped between his cold fingers, trickling down his arm in a steady stream.

Adrenaline was still coursing through his veins, ringing in his ears, making him feel lightheaded. But he forced himself to straighten, pulling out another kunai as he ran towards the direction he last saw Kakashi.

In the end, he needn't have worried. For as he burst into the clearing, he could see the Copynin had things well under control.

Four of the Takigakure nin lay unmoving on the ground, either unconscious or dead. And the jounin had his good hand wrapped around the throat of the fifth, slowly but surely choking the life out of the man with the cold precision of a skilled assassin.

Standing quietly across the clearing, Iruka couldn't help but marvel at the display of deadly competence. There was a breathtaking beauty in the intensity in the jounin's eye, in the way the jounin moved, every line of his body taunt and alive with contained power.

A fond smile touched his lips. Despite his usual laid-back ways, the man was every bit the formidable soldier the legends said he would be.

Feeling a little shaky with relief, Iruka put a hand against a tree for support and was about to relax when he caught a flicker of movement from the corner of his eye.

He froze, his heart suddenly pounding in his chest.

There, hidden in the shadows just beyond the trees, was a young man with sea-green hair and the bluest eyes he had ever seen. He stood as still as a statue, those blue eyes were bright with rage, blazing with a murderous intent as he stared fixedly at Kakashi and the bodies of his comrades on the ground by the jounin. Four kunai were clenched tightly by their tips between the fingers of one hand, trembling slightly as the fist shook with barely contained fury.

How long had he been standing there, watching his companions get defeated one by one was impossible to know. But he knew one thing. The young Takigakure nin was standing on Kakashi's blind side. With the Sharingan covered and his hands full with the more immediate dangers, the jounin would not have seen him.

And, Iruka realized with a jolt of alarm, there was no way Kakashi could escape the attack.

Everything was happening so fast, there was no time to react. For even as he flung out a weapon of his own, he knew it was too late. Eyes narrowed with vengeful malice, the enemy nin drew back his arm and hurled all four kunai with startling accuracy.

Terror rose and gripped Iruka's throat.

His hands were flashing through the seals for the teleportation jutsu before he could even think about it. But perhaps, he had never needed to think about it at all.

After all, between him and someone he cared for so deeply, his heart had always known the answer anyway.

Bracing himself, he re-materialized by Kakashi's side and winced as he felt one kunai stabbed into his thigh and another lodged itself into his side. He managed to deflect the third with the flat of his blade but panicked for a moment when he felt the fourth whiz past him.

Whirling around, he was just in time to see the weapon graze past the jounin, cutting a long bleeding gash into his teammate's arm but otherwise left the man unharmed. Luck or quick reflexes, Kakashi must have sensed the attack at the last moment and dodged, although it wasn't quite enough to entirely avoid the kunai.

He breathed a sigh of relief, glad that while there was a slight error in his calculations for the teleportation jutsu, his gamble had mostly paid off.

Straightening slowly with a grimace, he yanked the kunai from his side and leg and bent to examine the wounds. The attack had been meant for Kakashi. Each blow would have been fatal if it had struck the jounin but by intercepting them at a different angle, at a different distance, he had managed to take them without the weapons hitting anything vital.

Looking up, he caught his teammate staring at him, his uncovered eye wide with shock and disbelief as he released his hold around the neck of his now limp opponent. The dark eye darted towards the trees, following the line of flight of the attack to the lifeless form of the green-haired Takigakure nin lying on the ground.

"You…" Kakashi swallowed thickly. He turned back to look at him, eye flitting to his wounds, distressed.

Feeling awkward, Iruka laughed uncomfortably. "It's okay. I'm okay, alright?" With the battles over, the sudden silence in the sprawling forest seemed deafening. He scratched distractedly at the scar across his nose, trying ignore how fast his heart was beating with Kakashi looking so intently at him. "Uh-really, it's no big deal."

His teammate took half a step towards him. "Iruka, you…"

Whatever Kakashi wanted to say next was lost as a sharp pain knifed him in his abdomen.

Iruka gasped and crumpled, clutching his stomach as he squeezed his eyes shut in pain. Something was constricting his throat, he couldn't breathe. He coughed, trying to clear his throat and draw air into his lungs.

Instead, he tasted blood.

Only then, did he realized how badly he had miscalculated.

_Poison. The kunai were poisoned._

"Iruka!" Kakashi's voice seemed really far away, but the jounin sounded so terrified he struggled to open his eyes to see what was frightening the man so.

Darkness pressed in on the edges of his vision, he could barely see. The world spun and tilted in nauseating circles. Clamping his eyes shut once more, he shuddered, gasping as a fresh wave of pain ripped through him.

Someone was holding him, someone was calling his name. But he could respond to nothing other than the terrible agony that was tearing him apart from the inside.

He was glad when darkness finally came, and swallowed him whole.


	34. Chapter 34

Thanks for the wonderful reviews everyone! I must apologize for taking so long with this chapter but writing past that terrible cliffhanger in the last chapter was quite difficult for me. (sigh) I've tried my best and hope this chapter isn't too bad. (fingers crossed)

And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To Senna-chan: Yikes, sorry about the cliffhanger!  
To cjandre: Action sequences aren't my strong suit so I'm glad you liked the fight scene.  
To Emily: We're getting closer to the happy ending with every chapter so hang in there! (smile)  
To ragni mithrim: Yeah, I was worried about the cliché beginning too so I'm really happy to see you don't think it's too cliché in the way the story developed.  
To Kate: Ah yes, it's yet another cliffhanger… (grin)  
To wyrd: I'm sorry it wasn't clear but Iruka killed the green-haired Takigakure nin. And the grammar mistakes you pointed out…it can actually be written in both ways.  
To Avernion: More angst and worry in the chapter too I'm afraid…  
To Sara and Lili: I'm glad you're enjoying this story. Next chapter coming right up.

This chapter is the longest one yet, but I hope everyone would enjoy it anyway!

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

In the long silence that followed, Kakashi could only stare.

Rooted to the spot, he could only watch speechlessly as his teammate yanked the kunai from his thigh, dropping it to the ground with a grimace. Shocked and distraught, his gaze went to the fresh stains on his teammate's coat, then flitted distractedly to the kunai scattered on the ground, dark with the chunin's blood.

His throat went unbearably tight with emotion.

Kakashi swallowed hard, trying to get his voice to work. He knew Iruka spared little thought for his own safety when it came to those he cared for. He had heard enough from Naruto to understand the incredible courage and sacrifice behind the terrible scar the schoolteacher now bore on his back.

But to think that the chunin would do such a thing for _him_…

That Iruka still considered whatever that was left between them worthy of such a selfless gesture…

That Iruka still _cared_.

The mere idea of it took his breath away.

He bit his lip, impossibly moved, yet unable to decide if he liked the feeling or not. It rocked the precarious balance of his world, knocking down all the defenses he had so painstakingly built, sending him to teeter once again on the thin, dangerous edge between hope and despair.

He was still staring at the chunin, floundering for an appropriate response when unexpectedly, Iruka doubled over with a gasp.

Kakashi froze, startled. Instantly, his jumbled thoughts and mixed emotions were replaced by concern. He stared at the chunin in confusion, alarmed but unable to comprehend why the man was clutching his stomach when there was no obvious wound there.

Then it hit him.

Searing pain bloomed along his arm where the kunai had nicked him, spreading like wildfire through his veins and racing for the rest of his body.

Poison!

His eyes went wide. In a flash, he reached down deep within himself and pulled up the last ounce of his chakra, swiftly re-routing the flow of the pathways to block the progress of the toxin.

Pain receded to a dull throb in his arm; the poison pushed and battered against the wall of his chakra but the barrier held. The spread of the poison was under control for now. But he felt no relief at his success, only a sickening wave of dread.

If what he felt was the effect from such a small dose of poison, it would mean…

Fear exploded within him. Breathing hard, he straightened, looking frantically to his teammate.

"Iruka!"

The chunin had crumpled to his hands and knees. His fingers curled in unimaginable agony, digging furrows into the snow. Bracing himself up on trembling arms, he crouched hunched over, coughing and retching. The snow was already a ghastly crimson with splatters of his blood.

Kakashi was moving before he knew it, scrambling and falling in his desperation to reach his teammate.

Dropping to his knees beside his teammate, he caught him as the man toppled over onto his side. Iruka's breathing was quick and shallow, his eyes were shut. Twisting around in the jounin's arms, he shuddered, whimpering miserably as he tried to curl up into a fetal position to escape the pain.

Kakashi's heart clenched.

"Iruka." He murmured brokenly, smoothing a hand across the sun-browned cheek. "Please, no… Come on, Iruka…don't…"

The chunin's eyelids fluttered at the sound of his voice but he did not wake. He moaned, leaning instinctively into the person who held him, hands grasping weakly at the front of Kakashi's coat. Seeking, begging, anything for a brief respite from the pain.

Kakashi caught one of his hands and held it tight, trying his best to offer what comfort he could. The chunin's struggles were failing. Even as he held him in his arms, he could feel his sturdy frame growing limp, the harsh sound of his breathing fading, each one weaker than the last. His pulse was only a faint flutter against his fingertips when he felt for it.

Iruka was slowly, but surely, slipping away from him.

Iruka was dying.

A lump rose to his throat.

Kakashi bit his lip, fighting the dark swell of inconsolable grief that washed over him.

All alone in a place so far from home, watching Iruka fade away like this and helpless to stop it, he wanted to throw his head back and howl his anguish to the skies.

This could _not_ be happening.

After everything he had given up, after he had worked so hard to move on, convinced himself he was satisfied with simply knowing that the chunin was alive and well, even though he no longer had any role in his life-

-he was still going to lose Iruka the same way he had lost everyone who was once dear to him.

Perhaps if the circumstances were different, he might have been amused by the sense of déjà vu. After all, he could never forget that fateful evening almost a year ago, when Iruka had also collapsed in his arms, passing out from the pain.

Except this time, Tsunade was hundreds of miles away and Iruka had only minutes left to live.

Kakashi muttered a low curse, his hand clenching into a tight fist. He had to do _something_!

Galvanized into action, he settled his teammate on the ground and sprang to his feet, running towards the corpse of the Takigakure nin who had thrown the kunai.

His mind was whirling, desperation turning into determination. Shinobi training kicked in and he narrowed his eyes with a sense of focused calm. With a cold efficiency, he ripped the supplies pouch from the young man's waist, quickly and methodically sorting through the contents for anything that may help.

Several anxious minutes passed and yet he found nothing.

Kakashi gritted his teeth, his heart was racing. Pushing back his rising panic, he turned back to the body of enemy nin, searching through the pockets of his uniform and all the secret places where something of importance may be hidden.

At last, his fingers closed around a narrow tube, cleverly hidden, tucked into the hem of the man's cloak.

His heart leapt. Holding up the vial up against the light, he studied the pale green solution in it, the tiniest flicker of hope rising when he saw the code printed along the side of the tube.

It was a standard coding system for antidotes.

He hesitated for a split second, watching the iridescent sheen of the pale fluid shimmer enticingly in the slender tube. It was dangerous to administer any drug without knowing for certain what it was, but he was out of options.

Taking a deep breath, he sent a fervent prayer for the antidote to be the right one and rushed back to Iruka's side.

The man wasn't breathing, he couldn't find a pulse. The chunin lay completely motionless and did not even twitch when Kakashi uncapped the syringe and plunged the needle into the side of his neck. His lips were the color of death.

Kakashi drew in a shaky breath, gently brushing away the stray strands of brown hair that had fallen over his teammate's face. He watched as the fluid in the syringe drained into the man, restless with nervous anxiety and a sickening fear at how cold Iruka's skin felt.

The thought that he might be too late was almost too much to bear.

Casting the now empty syringe aside, he lifted the chunin up into his arms once more and pulled him close. He crushed the limp form to his chest, holding on as tightly as he could, as though he could somehow make the man live through the sheer force of his will alone.

As he sat in the snow, holding the lifeless body of the person he loved best in the world, he tried not to think of the times Iruka had already come close to death that year. The chunin had already gone through a life-threatening illness and narrowly escaped the explosion at the academy.

Kakashi shut his eyes, pressing his masked cheek against his teammate's brown hair. He was _terrified_ that Iruka's luck may have run out this third time.

"…kashi…"

He clutched the chunin closer, breathing in his familiar scent, his hand fisting in the material of his coat. This was no dream or genjutsu. To think that he would never see that cheerful smile again, or hear that warm lilting laughter. Even if it was not directed at him, even if it was just in the mission room or from a chance encounter in the streets…

"Um…Kakashi?"

Iruka would just be another name carved into the memorial stone. Another regret, another heartache, another person for him to mourn and…

"Kakashi!" The firm tone, tinged with mild annoyance, finally caught his attention.

He jerked back, staring down into deep brown eyes that were a little unfocused but were nevertheless open and awake.

For a small eternity, he sat frozen, afraid to move, afraid to even utter a sound lest the spell should break.

And for a long moment, Iruka did not speak either. He lay quietly in his arms, panting hard as he struggled to catch his breath.

Looking pale and shaken, he brought a hand up to rub at his eyes, frowning when he encountered the jounin's half-gloved hands still locked in a tight grip around him.

"Kakashi?" He coughed lightly. "You can let go now. I'm fine."

Kakashi slowly unclenched his hands and withdrew his arms, his heart still pounding. Feeling dazed, he watched uncertainly as Iruka sat up carefully, wincing a little in pain.

The chunin spat a few times into the snow to clear his mouth of the taste of blood, then turned to him with a sheepish smile. "Ah, I guess that didn't go quite as well as I planned."

Kakashi felt he was going to throw up.

He looked away, suddenly unable to stop himself from shaking. Curling his knees to his chest, his head bowed as he focused on taking deep breaths, fighting to maintain his composure.

"What-?" There was a startled curse and a rustle as his teammate scrabbled unsteadily to his feet.

Then, Iruka was crouching down in front of him, his head tilted to one side as he tried to peer past the fall of his silver hair to get a good look at him.

"Kakashi?" Iruka's voice was urgent with worry as he touched his arm gently. "What's the matter? Are you alright?" He drew his hand back with a frantic yelp. "You're bleeding!"

Kakashi pressed a hand over his eyes, suddenly overcome by the strangest urge to laugh.

He lowered his chin to his chest, trying to hide his grin but his shoulders shook so hard with silent laughter, it was impossible to hide his amusement.

Not for the first time, he found himself both charmed and exasperated by the wonderful irony that was the chunin.

The man had just narrowly escaped death. Even with the poison neutralized, he still looked awful, his eyes glassy from the lingering pain. Yet he was asking _him_ if he was alright, fussing over a small cut as though he was one of his pre-genin students who had just fallen and scrapped his knee.

It never failed to make him smile.

"Kakashi…" The chunin still sounded anxious but a hint of warning had found its way into his voice.

He chuckled, lifting his head so his teammate could see his smile. "It's nothing, Iruka." His smile widened, the earlier trauma soothed away by the concern he saw in his teammate's eyes. "It's only a scratch."

"But the poison…"

"Already got a dose of the antidote." He lied cheerfully, looking steadily at Iruka to convince him. "Don't worry."

The schoolteacher frowned doubtfully, obviously still troubled. "Okay." He said finally with a grudging nod. "But let's get that bandaged before it gets infected."

"Maa, I think I'd like a demonstration first, sensei." He teased lightly, pointing to the wounds on the chunin's leg and side. Then, he sobered quickly when he noticed the large ragged tear near the chunin's shoulder. "What happened here? It's bleeding quite a bit."

Craning his neck to look at his injured shoulder, Iruka made a face. "Yeah, that sword-wielding bastard got me." He reached around awkwardly to check wound. "I don't think it's too bad though."

"Let me see."

They fell into a companionable silence after that as they helped each other dress their wounds. But when his eye fell upon the injuries made by the kunai that were meant for him, his throat closed up with emotion once more.

"Iruka." He had no idea what he should say but he could not pretend his teammate did not just risk his life to save his.

"What you did just now…I-I'm really grateful." He took a trembling breath. "But please, _please_ don't ever do it again."

The chunin looked up from where he was helping to wrap bandages around the gash in his arm. His brows rose in surprise at his serious tone. For a moment, he stared thoughtfully at him as though he was trying to sort out his own thoughts on the matter.

"I wanted to." He said finally, with a quiet conviction. "And I would do it again if I have to." Abruptly, he grinned, a spark of mischief in his eyes. "Oh relax, this doesn't mean you owe me anything, okay?"

"But I-"

Iruka sighed. "Listen, Kakashi." He tugged carefully at the bandages to make sure they were secure before raising his head to meet his eyes. "It may seem like a reckless or even foolish thing to you, jumping in front of a point-blank attack like that."

Straightening his back a little as though reminded of the scar there, he smiled ruefully. "But for my friends, my students, for everyone who is important to me, it's the only thing I _will_ do."

Dropping his gaze, he laughed a little, suddenly seeming a bit embarrassed. "Ah, you must think I'm silly, for thinking a jounin such as yourself need to be protected like that." He paused, scratching absently at the scar across his nose.

"I don't really understand it myself." He continued haltingly, a blush rising to his cheeks. "But I guess…I just don't like it when you get hurt."

The quiet admission was spoken with such a pure heartfelt honesty, Kakashi felt his heart skip a beat.

He looked away quickly, unable to face the gentle expression that was touched with sadness on the schoolteacher's face. The direction their conversation was taking was making him deeply uncomfortable. He stood abruptly, feeling strangely upset.

_How can I move on when you won't stop being so nice to me?_ He thought in bitter despair.

Shaking his head, he gestured to the body of the young Takigakure nin lying beyond the clearing, changing the topic curtly. "Let's clean up our tracks and get out of here. You dispose of that one and I'll take care of the rest." Then, without looking to see if Iruka agreed, he stalked off.

As he put some distance between himself and the chunin, he began to feel calmer. Iruka was kind, it was the way the sweet-natured schoolteacher had always been. He ran a hand through his hair, annoyed with himself. It was pathetic that he had let those kind words get to him, stir up hope in him, when he should know better.

He took a deep breath to clear his head, re-focusing on the task as he crouched down and started searching through the bodies of the enemy nin. For as the tumult of emotions faded away, he began to be truly aware of the terrible predicament he was in.

A pulse of pain throbbed deep in his gut and he had to pause to catch his breath. Bracing a hand against the tree, he bit his lip, forcing a little more chakra into the barrier that kept the poison contained.

But his chakra was almost gone. He hadn't found anymore of the antidote from the bodies of the Takigakure nin he had checked before burning them. And Konoha was more than half a day away.

For the first time, he realized this may be the mission he wouldn't come home from.

Kakashi raised his head, looking across the clearing at Iruka who was setting an ignition jutsu to the body of the enemy nin and carefully sweeping the area down with a pine branch to cover up the signs of the battle. The chunin stood for a moment looking at the spot where the young Takigakure nin's body had lain; his eyes sorrowful, head bowed, lips moving in silent prayer for the enemy he had killed.

A small smile rose unbidden to his lips.

For once he was doing the dying while the person precious to him lived on.

There should have been regret for everything that could have been but wasn't. Yet, he only felt an odd sense of peace.

He watched his teammate reach back absently to straighten his ponytail, the familiarity of that action brought a pang to his heart. Always away on missions, he hadn't noticed when Iruka became ill. He wasn't there too when the schoolteacher was struggling to recover and needed as much encouragement he could get. And despite his fancy promises to woo the chunin, to bring them back to the way they were, he had only made matters worse.

So perhaps, he thought grimly as he rose to his feet, this time he was finally going to get something right.

* * *

Peering blearily at the endless white landscape that stretched out before him, Iruka huddled deeper into his coat and ploughed stoically on through the snow.

The poison had left him weak and queasy but he made sure he kept up with Kakashi's stride, determined not to slow their team down. The Takigakure nin they managed to defeat back in the clearing were probably not the only ones sent out after them. As battered and worn out as they were, their only chance was to out-run their pursuers and that thought alone put strength in him to forge on.

But as time went on, his teammate's pace grew slower and slower, until it was he who took the lead and urging the jounin on.

Iruka frowned as he cast a worried glance over his shoulder. The jounin was swaying as he walked, his entire frame drooping with exhaustion. He was limping visibly now that the healing jutsu Iruka had placed over his broken leg was starting to wear off. Silver hair fell messily over his face, shadowing his eye but it could not hide the sound of the jounin's labored breathing as he forced himself to take another step.

Turning back to face the path ahead once more, Iruka bit his lip, resisting the urge to reach back and take Kakashi's hand to pull him along. Anxious about enemy pursuit, their slow pace chafed at him, making him restless and uneasy. But it was how unwell his teammate was that truly worried him.

Lost in his concerns for his teammate, it took several moments before he realized he could no long feel Kakashi's presence behind him.

Startled, he whirled around frantically, only to see the jounin trying to get up from where he had fallen.

His teammate made a few uncoordinated attempts to push himself up, failing which, he sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat. Leaning his head back against the trunk of a tree, he closed his eye, looking completely drained.

"Kakashi?" He crouched down beside him, checking him over to see if he had hurt himself in the fall. "Are you alright?"

"Hm?" The jounin's tone was light despite his ragged breathing and pallor. The uncovered eye fell open and crinkled up into a cheerful smile.

"Ah, it's you, Iruka." He murmured weakly. "I'm a little tired. I think I'm going to sit and rest here for a while." Gesturing for him to move on with a nonchalant wave, he shrugged. "Why don't you go on first? I'll catch up in a bit."

He frowned at the fake cheer in his teammate's voice. "Of course not." He retorted sharply, half-annoyed and half-puzzled at what the jounin had said.

What was Kakashi up to now? He thought as he peered at his teammate's masked face, trying to read the man. This was hardly the time to be playing those little mind-games the jounin seemed to be so fond of.

Kakashi was still smiling but there was a hint of sadness in his smile when he spoke next. "I'm slowing us down, you can travel faster alone."

Iruka crossed his arms and did not reply. Instead, he studied the jounin carefully, noting the beads of sweat that speckled his forehead and stained the cloth tied over his eye even though he was shivering with cold. Despite the copynin's pallor, his cheeks were red, the color spreading just above the edge of his mask so that it could be seen.

He shot forward, reaching out to press a hand against Kakashi's forehead before his teammate could react. A moment later, he drew it back with a gasp. "Kakashi! You're burning up!"

"Maa, it's just a fever…it's no big deal." His teammate mumbled with an air of casual indifference. But he turned away, unable to meet his eyes, pressing a hand to his middle as though it hurt.

Iruka stared, a sneaking suspicion was starting to dawn on him, and it turned his blood cold.

"Kakashi…" He heard himself say in a small, frightened voice.

When the jounin still refused to look at him, he grabbed his chin, forcefully turning his head around so he could look into his eye. "The poison…y-you didn't take the antidote…did you?" He spluttered, too terrified by the implications that he could barely get the words out.

Kakashi remained silent but he already saw the truth in his eye.

"You…you stupid, lying _bastard!_" He surged to his feet, pointing a stiff accusing finger at the jounin. Fear and anger rushed like liquid fire through his veins and he clenched his fists, afraid to speak lest he should explode.

Shaking with fury, he turned to a nearby tree and slamming his foot to the base of the trunk. "Damn it! Damn _you_! Have you no sense at all?" He seethed, bits of bark flew as he punctuated each sentence with a vicious kick. "Did you think that the great Sharingan Kakashi would not be affected by a mere poison like the rest of us mortals could?"

"You needed it more." The jounin said quietly. "You would have died back there if it weren't for the antidote."

His anger dissipated at Kakashi's reply in an instant.

His head drooped, his fists loosening as his hands fell limply to his side. There was a sudden pressure behind his eyes and a tightness in his throat. He sniffed, swallowing hard before he could speak. "Then you should have just let me die."

"You know I can't do that, sensei." His teammate teased, trying to lighten the mood, but there was a grave seriousness in his words. "I won't let a teammate die if I can help it."

Iruka closed his eyes, his lips curling into a bleak smile even as his heart gave an involuntary twinge. _Teammate, huh._

He sighed. Taking a deep breath, he raised his head and looked Kakashi directly in the eye. "Well, neither can I."

Turning around, he squatted down, holding his hands out behind his back to Kakashi. "Come on."

Kakashi looked adorably baffled when he was caught off-guard. "What?"

"Come on." He wriggled his hands. "You can't walk any further, right? I'll carry you."

"Iruka." The jounin frowned. "This is madness. The Takigakure people are still after us, remember? I won't make it and it'll only slow you down."

Iruka narrowed his eyes. "I _said_, come on." He repeated, feeling his infamous temper rising once more.

"Listen, Hatake Kakashi." He growled. "Don't test my patience. I'm _not_ very happy with you right now so if you don't get over here and _do as I say_, you might actually wish the poison had already killed you."

Shaking his head, Kakashi laughed. There was a flicker of something tender and sweet in his expression, but it was gone the next moment, and left Iruka wondering if he had imagined it.

"Oh all right." His teammate grimaced, making a big show of reluctance as he dragged himself over. "There's always no arguing with you when you're like this." He mumbled under his breath.

Long arms draped across his shoulders and he was suddenly enveloped in Kakashi's warmth.

Silver hair brushed against the side of his face as his teammate gave him a brief hug from behind. "If I don't make it, I…thank you, Iruka, thank you for everything." He said, his voice quiet and tremulous.

Iruka bit his lip, giving his teammate's arm an encouraging squeeze. "We'll make it, you'll see." He told him with a brightness he did not feel. "Just hold on tight."

Then, he started to run.


	35. Chapter 35

Ah…sorry for not updating for so long but it has been a bit busy lately. Thank you so much for all your encouraging reviews that periodically remind me I have to keep writing this story, I really appreciate it. (smile) We're nearing the end of this story, just two or three more chapters to go. Hopefully, it'll be completed by the end of this year.

And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To MoonlitWolf: Their relationship is definitely evolving and while they still have lots to sort out, I'm happy they're coming to an understanding soon. (grin)  
To das: I'll try my best to keep writing this story until it's completed.  
To Senna-chan: Yeah, it's still rather heartbreaking at this point, but things are going to get better soon.  
To eve: Heh, you're welcome.  
To xKokurox: I think at this point, Iruka is not quite concerned with the authenticity of the journal anymore. I've always felt Iruka is more of a live-in-the-present kind of guy compared to Kakashi; he's definitely struggling with his feelings for Kakashi when the jounin is still too wrapped up in mourning for the past to see what is right in front of him now.  
To Anise: Confessions and realizations on their way! (grin) And of course, your prediction for who will take the risk first is true. (wink)  
To Shima, amene, Zaza and Neda: Terribly sorry for the wait for this chapter.  
To Kennardaillard: I'm glad you think the characters are believable, it has always been a point that I worry about.  
To Animalker: Yeah, the show doesn't focus much on Kakashi and even less on Iruka but I think they're very interesting characters on their own, as well as together, so I wanted to explore a bit of that in this fic. Glad you've enjoyed it!

And now, on with the story!

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

It was starting to snow again, small white flakes that fell intermittently from the dismal grey skies, swirling wildly as they were buffeted by the winds. They caught on the ends of his eyelashes, stinging like little pinpricks of ice against his skin.

Iruka wriggled his nose and sneezed when one fell on his face. He sniffled and raised his head to peer tiredly at the sky.

Dusk had fallen, light was fading fast and the first stars were already visible, twinkling faintly through the small break in the trees above. All around was lengthening shadows of the approaching night.

His heart sank and he bowed his head, standing still for a moment to catch his breath. He had been pushing himself hard, traveling as fast as he could but he knew even at this rate, they would never make it back to Konoha before nightfall.

He cast a wary glance around at the surrounding forest, fully aware of how vulnerable they were to an attack in the growing darkness. Although he had not seen nor heard any signs of enemy pursuit since the battle back at the clearing, he did not dare let his guard down. It would be foolish to think, even for an instant, the Takigakure nin had lost their trail.

They had to keep moving.

Taking a deep breath, he hoisted his teammate higher up onto his back, gritting his teeth as pain shot through his injured shoulder. He closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for the pain to pass. Kakashi may be skinny for his height but he was still a full-grown man and the wound in his shoulder had re-opened under the strain of carrying the jounin's weight around.

He bit his lip, momentarily overwhelmed by the sheer hopelessness of their situation. They had been traveling for hours, over rough terrain and harsh weather. He was cold, exhausted, down to the last of his strength and running on with nothing but raw desperation alone. His arm throbbed constantly; he could feel blood seeping through the bandages, soaking into the sleeve of his shirt, the sticky warmth a stark contrast to the winter chill.

Despite his brave words earlier, he had to admit their situation did not look good.

But all these troubles were nothing compared to the worry he felt for his teammate. He turned and glanced at the head of silver hair resting against his shoulder, his heart clenching up with anxiety.

Kakashi had not moved nor made a sound in the last hour.

The Copynin slumped limply across his back, his arms draped so loosely across his shoulders, he would have fallen off if Iruka had not held onto him. The jounin was horribly silent and still, only the feverish heat of his masked cheek pressed against Iruka's own told him his teammate was still alive.

Iruka swallowed hard, clutching Kakashi a little tighter, torn between deciding what he should do.

He heaved a deep sigh, watching his breath mist in the frigid air, sending the snowflakes swirling. The Takigakure nin might still be chasing them, and every minute Kakashi went without medical treatment was another minute his teammate slipped closer to death.

But as the light of day faded, the temperature was dropping sharply. They could not stay out in the open like this much longer. If they were unable get back to the village by nightfall, they needed to find shelter soon. He could barely even feel his fingers anymore and could only imagine how the cold must be affecting his teammate who was so frightfully weak and unwell.

The cold might kill Kakashi even before the poison would.

His gut twisted at the thought.

He took a breath, pushing back his panic and steeled his resolve. He had to get Kakashi out of the cold first, everything else can wait. Trying to ignore his weariness, he straightened grimly and started running again with renewed determination.

They reached the border without incident. Iruka felt himself relax a little as they sped away from the shadows cast by the Kaiten Ridge, finally passing into the lands of Fire Country. Yet, he dared not slow down as he turned sharply away from the path leading towards Konoha, plunging his way deeper into the forest towards one of the safe houses instead.

It was little more than a small hollowed out cave, carved into the foot of the mountain range and hidden from view by shrubs. Iruka ducked his head, bending over as he waddled his way into the hideout. The air inside was dry and chilly but it felt instantly warmer to be out of the biting winds.

Heaving a grateful sigh, he lowered Kakashi carefully to lie on the ground before dashing back outside. Retracing his steps, he scuffed up the snow with his boots, hiding his tracks and laying down new ones that led in a different direction, hoping it would throw off anyone who might be following them. Traps followed, simple ones of chakra wires and explosive tags, but he made the most of the meager supplies he had in his pack.

It took effort to make his frozen fingers move for a jutsu but he managed to complete the seals and with a poof, his clone stood before him.

"Get help." He commanded, casting a worried glance towards the hidden entrance of the cave, his heart tight with worry for Kakashi. "And _hurry_."

His doppelganger needed no further direction. Its face mirrored Iruka's anxiety and it nodded. Turning around, it broke into a sprint for the village.

Iruka sighed and watched it go, feeling the familiar tug on his chakra as the clone moved further and further away from him. They were still several hours from Konoha, but he should be able to maintain the jutsu until his clone reached the village. He watched the bunch of brown hair bobbed in and out between the trees until it was out of sight, then turned and headed back to the cave.

The sound of Kakashi groaning reached him the moment he got back inside. The jounin was trashing weakly, curled up on his side with one hand pressed against his stomach, his brow furrowed with agony.

Hurrying over to his side, Iruka knelt down and laid a hand against his teammate's forehead. He frowned in alarm. The fever had spiked again, leaving the man wrecked with uncontrollable tremors, his body drenched in cold sweat. He whimpered piteously, his breath coming in short desperate gasps, as though each one might be his last.

Iruka smoothed back the silver hair, his heart constricted. It hurt to see Kakashi in so much pain.

Peeling off his coat, he shook off the snow and wrapped it around his unconscious teammate, trying to keep him warm. The jounin desperately needed a medic and he was at a loss of what he could do when he only knew the basics of healing.

Fighting back his despair, he laid his hand over the one Kakashi held against his stomach. His hand glowed green as he focused his own chakra on his stricken teammate, guiding it gently through the proper channels to try and ease the jounin's pain.

At the touch of his chakra, Kakashi moaned softly. He uncurled a little, rolling onto his back, relaxing slightly as Iruka's efforts temporarily dulled the pain. His eyelids fluttered, his fingers twitched, as though reaching out for something in his fevered dreams.

"…ru…ka…" He murmured.

Iruka almost responded. Instinctively, he reached out to grasp the half-gloved hand when he hesitated, faltering under a sudden swell of conflicting emotions. There was a world of sorrow behind that broken whisper. A quiet but deep unmistakable _longing_ in the jounin's voice that made his breath catch in his throat.

It amazed him, touched him with a strange irrational joy to know that in his darkest hour, half out of his mind with pain, he was the one Kakashi desired to be by his side.

But deep down, he knew it was not _him_ whom the jounin longed to see.

He studied the masked features miserably, bitter and upset. The jounin wasn't calling out for him. He was yearning for the Iruka he had always held close to his heart, the ghost of a man he believed he had loved and lost, from a time long past when no one but the jounin knew.

It may be his name the man called out, but it wasn't him Kakashi wanted.

He startled out of his reverie with a sharp breath and gave his head a firm shake, suddenly angry with himself. Now was not the time to mope or indulge in self-pity.

Still, he felt a bit of an imposter as he wrapped his fingers around the cold pale hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. "I'm here, Kakashi, I'm right here."

The dark eye blinked open, glazed over with pain. His pupil had dilated so much from the effects of the poison, it made him look terribly frail.

"Iruka?" He rasped out between ragged breaths, squinting and looking around with growing confusion. "We've stopped…"

He managed a strained smile, frightened by how weak Kakashi sounded. "We've just crossed the border and it's getting dark. I think we should rest for a bit."

"No…we c-can't stop…" Kakashi wheezed painfully as he struggled to sit up. "it's not safe yet…have to…"

"Hey, easy now!" He caught him by the shoulders and forced him to lie down. Tucking the coat closer around the jounin, he tried to make him comfortable. "Don't worry, everything's going to be fine. I can maintain a clone at this range and I've already sent one back to the village for help." He nodded, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt. "So just lie still and wait, help is on its way."

Kakashi watched him through a half-lidded eye. He raised a shaking hand and touched the fresh wetness of his sleeve. "Your shoulder…"

"Is fine." He cut him off. "It bled a little more but it has stopped now, so it's fine."

The dark eye hardened. Despite being ill with the poison, he could tell Kakashi was shifting into his role as team leader again out of habit, his mind working to come up with the best strategy. "You should go ahead. It'll only take a few hours if you travel alone."

His uncovered eye flittered from his bloodstained shoulder to his face, obviously taking in the signs of his weariness. "There's no need for you to stay here. I'll be all right on my own."

"You're throwing me out in this weather?" He jerked a thumb at the howling winds and swirling snow outside with exaggerated incredulity. Quirking an eyebrow at his teammate, he grinned dryly. "How kind."

Then, he turned serious and fixed the jounin with a stern glare. "I'm not going anywhere."

His teammate frowned. "Iruka, don't be-"

Whatever Kakashi wanted to say next was lost as he jerked suddenly, eye squeezed shut with pain as he clamped a hand over his mouth. Coughing raggedly, he braced himself up on an elbow, yanked down his mask and threw up violently.

Blood dribbled down his chin, darkening the fabric of the mask hanging loose around his neck, pooling on the ground.

Iruka's heart constricted at the sight of the blood. He stroked his hand over the jounin's back, channeling his chakra to try and soothe his teammate's suffering but he could feel his heart grow cold with fear.

_The last stage of the poisoning. If help doesn't arrive soon…_

Kakashi flopped back onto his back, eye closed and panting miserably. "Damn…" He cursed in breathless agony, running a hand back through his disheveled hair. "…this really hurts…"

Iruka winced. Anxious about Kakashi, he gazed down at him without thinking. Before he knew it, he was looking directly at the jounin's uncovered face.

He didn't know what he had been expecting. Perhaps all the rumors and wild theories Naruto told him had made him think the man must look something like a cross between an angel and a demon.

But Kakashi was surprisingly normal. He didn't have the dashing good looks Genma had, nor the rugged handsomeness Asuma wore so well. Instead, he looked young, with an honest sort of boyish charm that was unexpected from the legendary Copynin.

Absently, Iruka studied the jounin's features, tracing the fall of his silver hair over his dark eye, down the chiseled planes of his cheekbones to the line of his straight nose, finally settling on the gentle mouth obviously made for smiling, but had seen too much sorrow in his life to have the chance to smile much.

He looked noble and serious, charged with a quiet strength from a lifetime of disciplined training, in which he demanded nothing but the best from himself. And yet, underneath all that, Iruka could see a hint of earnestness that was strangely sweet and delightfully endearing.

It was a picture of a fine young man who would someday be every bit the kind, respectable gentleman his father was.

Warmth welled up in Iruka's heart and somehow, he felt he must have known and loved this face all his life.

"What is it? Something on my face?" Kakashi rubbed the back of his hand across his cheek, twitching a bit self-consciously under his gaze.

He smiled and shook his head. As though mesmerized by a spell, he reached out and caught a stray streak of blood from the corner of the jounin's lips, his fingertips lingering against the pale cheek even after he had wiped the stain away. "No, just thinking it's my first time seeing you without your mask and oh-!"

He snatched his hand back and looked away abruptly, blushing as he bowed his head. "I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking! I didn't mean to look without your permission! It's just…you were…and I was…"

Feeling flustered and foolish, he trailed off awkwardly into silence.

Kakashi chuckled tiredly. "I don't mind." He said quietly, the amusement in his voice was tinged with sadness. "And it's not the first time, you just don't remember it."

He snuck a careful glance at the jounin. "Well," He huffed primly, pretending to be affronted. "I certainly hope it was under better circumstances."

An eyebrow rose. "Maa, it was quite similar actually." The dark eye crinkled, the smile suddenly more brilliant now that he could see the rest of his face. "We were puking at opposite ends of the same gutter outside the bar one night."

"Liar." He laughed good-naturedly.

"Hm." The jounin hummed noncommittally and shrugged. He coughed weakly, propping himself up to sit so he might breathe easier and leaned against the wall. Despite his lighthearted tone, he was breathing heavily, swaying unsteadily as though he was going to pass out.

Iruka found himself shifting closer to sit by his side, ready to catch him should the jounin topple over. His hand hovered uncertainly behind the jounin for a moment, before he wrapped it around his shoulder, pulling him close so he might rest against him.

Kakashi stiffened at the gesture. For an instant, Iruka thought he would pull away. But he sighed, moving naturally into the curve of his arm and laid his head wearily on his shoulder.

The sadness and utter defeat in that single sigh made Iruka's heart ache.

"Tell me something about us." He said, holding the jounin closer. "In your mind…the time when we were together, what was it like?"

Kakashi's voice was just a little sullen. "It's all in your journal, you can read it there."

"It's not the same." He chided gently, pushing a little more chakra into him to keep him warm. He could feel his teammate shaking, trembling with the barely suppressed pain and fever. From the glazed look in Kakashi's eyes, he could tell the jounin was drifting off into unconsciousness again.

"Come on, I want to hear it from you." He coaxed. If he could keep Kakashi talking, just keep him conscious until the medics find them, his chances of surviving the poison would be better.

Kakashi hesitated. Slowly, he started speaking, his voice low and halting. But as he went on, his voice grew stronger and the words came easier.

He spoke of quiet evenings and simple dinners and the easy companionship he would never find with anyone else. He spoke of walks in the park and ice-cream and stolen kisses behind the trees on a bright autumn day. He spoke of their time together and times when missions pulled them apart; of nights in the hospital he kept the schoolteacher up worrying and the days he sat in turn by his bedside after the fateful surgery.

He spoke till he was hoarse, until he ran out of things to say, and fell silent.

Outside, night had finally fallen and it was pitch darkness. The winds whistled and howled, pelting snow down on the entrance of the cave. They sat together in the faint light from the emergency lamp Iruka had found among the supplies in the cave, watching the light throw flickering shadows onto the walls of the cave, listening to each other's heartbeat.

"It must have been wonderful." Iruka said finally. Biting his lip, he took a deep breath, gathering all his strength and courage for what he was about to say next.

"Ah…this is probably not the best time to say this…" He laughed nervously, scratching at the scar across the bridge of his nose. "I think I-I'd like to give this 'together' thing a try…Um, I mean if you don't mind, that is." He added hastily.

Kakashi snorted, a harsh mirthless laugh. "You're really far too nice, Iruka." His expression resigned and just a little mocking. "I know I'm dying but you don't have to take pity on me like this."

"It's not that!"

"Then you believe me now?" His teammate's voice was deliberately nonchalant although he could feel the jounin tensed, hanging on his reply with baited breath. "You believe that we were once together?"

"Does it really matter what I believe?" He shot back, the sharp bitterness in his voice was a surprise even to himself.

He bit his lip and sighed deeply.

"I don't know what to believe." He admitted honestly with a sad shake of his head. "I can only know what I know. As much as I want to, it is impossible for me to know what I don't remember."

"But, I do know this."

Hesitantly, he slipped his hand into the Kakashi's and took a quiet breath. "I care about you…you're important to me…and I-I mean I…" He stared fixedly at the opposite wall of the cave as he clutched the pale slender hand tightly with his own, afraid he'll lose his nerve if he were to even look at the man.

"I…I think I might be falling for you."

For a long, breathless moment, Kakashi said nothing. Then he sighed, turning his head to press his face into his shoulder.

"Iruka." He breathed his name like a prayer.

Iruka swallowed hard, trying to speak past the sudden lump in his throat. "It's okay, you don't have to give me an answer now."

"In fact, I don't want to hear your answer right now." He said, trying to sound calm although he could hear the tremble in his voice. "But when we're back in Konoha, when you're well again…I'll ask you once more and you had better have your answer for me then, you hear?"

He hugged Kakashi tight and pressed a kiss to his fevered brow.

"So until then," He choked quietly. "Please…_please_ hang on."

* * *

In the end, Kakashi still didn't make it.

He lost consciousness before the rescue arrived. Iruka himself was only half-conscious, frozen with cold and weak from his injuries, chakra running dangerously low from using it to keep Kakashi alive.

He only had a vague sense that there were lights, too many and too bright, shining in his face. And of voices, low and worried, and then someone was trying to take Kakashi away from him.

He struggled to wake, hanging on to the jounin with his fading strength until a voice whispered. "It's okay, we're from Konoha. You're safe now. You and your partner are safe now."

_My partner…_

It made him smile.

Still, he tried to open his eyes, made an effort to make sure there was no danger but he was fading.

And before he knew it, he had slipped away into darkness.


	36. Chapter 36

Er…hello? (guilty look) Sorry I haven't updated in so long…but things have been kinda busy lately. (deeply apologetic) But thank you all so much for keeping the comments and reviews coming. Every time I get one, I'm reminded of this story and get encouraged enough to squeeze a little time out to write one paragraph. (smile) So thank you very much for all your patience and encouragements! We're almost at the end of the story. Just the epilogue after this chapter and it'll be done.

Anyway, because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
Eve: Nope, it's not another plot twist. (smile) They are indeed from Konoha.  
Avernion: Nah, Kakashi isn't that easy to kill.  
Melissa: I'm glad you're having fun reading this!  
Harvey: Yeah, Kakashi really has endured a lot to reach this point…  
xKokurox: Wah…I'm sorry that it was unclear and made the ending seem like a cliffhanger for you. Kakashi only passed out in the previous chapter, he didn't die.  
Anise: Hm, weird thing with the email line. Anyway, I'm so glad you think the description of Kakashi's face suit him. I've thought about this for quite some time and figured it would take an earnest, boy-next-door kind of charm to make both the girl and the owner at the Ichiraku ramen swoon like that in the anime. (smile)  
Senna-chan: Ah yes, finally! I think we all waited as long as Kakashi for this moment.  
Hale: Sorry the updates are slow but I'll try to wrap this up as soon as I can.  
Kennardaillard: I'm glad you're enjoying this fic even though it's angsty. I enjoy reading and writing a lot and to know that my story could bring some enjoyment to the readers is really the greatest feeling.  
Zaza: I was definitely worried that with so many twists and turns and emotional upheaval, this story is going to turn the ninja world into a soap opera! Not that it wouldn't be fun to see that. (laugh)  
Kittykat: Wow, you really read fast. Hm, Kakashi was a bit OOC? Ok, I'll try to work on that.

And finally, the story continues.

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

When Kakashi first woke, it was to excruciating pain.

His breath hitched, the groan he was about to make caught in his throat. Every nerve was screaming with a raw agony as though he was being burned alive but he was too weak to even make a sound. He swallowed dryly, wincing at the strange cottony taste in his mouth which told him he had been drugged for days.

He frowned. Mustering what little was left of his strength, he forced himself into full consciousness and cracked open his eyes.

The cool, tingly pressure of a poultice applied over the Sharingan prevented him from opening Obito's eye but he managed to peer out blearily with his own.

The room swam slowly into focus; dim and hazy, a combination of the fuzziness in his mind and the inky darkness of night.

It was a disorienting moment as he squinted at the pale shaft of moonlight shining in through the gap in the curtains by his bed, wondering vaguely where he was. Snow was fluttering past the windows, and his half-lidded gaze wandered drowsily to where they cast a pretty speckled pattern against the walls.

The familiar sight of the stark, white walls of the intensive care ward made him feel instantly, and immeasurably, relieved.

He's back in Konoha.

There's still a Konoha left to come back to.

That meant the mission must have been a success, and Tsunade must have been able to make the antidote in time to save the village.

He would have smiled if it didn't hurt so damn much.

Still, the knot of anxiety in his chest loosened and it put him at ease to know the village was safe even as he lay in bed, crippled with pain, feeling feverish and ill.

He grimaced, closing his eyes as he tried to draw a deeper breath. It hurt to breathe and it amused him that this might be the worst he had ever been returning from a mission.

There was an oxygen mask strapped across his face, the rise and fall of the pump hissed a steady rhythm in the silence of the room. Somewhere to his left, the heart rate monitor joined in with its own quiet little electronic beeps. He focused on the sounds, focused on drawing each breath, trying to ignore the pain as he tried to fall back asleep.

That was when he became aware of something extremely peculiar.

Someone, was holding his hand.

His eye flew open; his pain forgotten in an instant.

It took a ridiculous amount of effort to tilt his head to the side to see who it was and the exertion nearly knocked him out. But when he finally managed, the sight made his heart warm with such an unexpected rush of happiness he had not thought he would have the chance to feel again.

_Iruka…_

The chunin sat slumped in the chair beside his bed, leaning a little on the armrest as though he wasn't quite strong enough to sit up by himself. He was dressed in pale yellow hospital pajamas, a warm woolen blanket spread across his lap. His hair was undone, his hitai-ate gone and the lank brown strands fell about his shoulders, framing his solemn face.

He looks pale, Kakashi mused thoughtfully. His initial elation at finding the chunin by his side was fast fading as he traced the exhausted droop of his teammate's shoulders to the listlessness in his eyes. The thick bandages wrapped around his shoulder peeked out from the collar of his shirt, a stark white against his tanned skin.

Kakashi's eye widened at the plastic tubing of an IV drip that snaked out from under the cuff of his teammate's sleeve, running off to the bag of chakra replenishing fluid that hung from the stand beside his own.

The man was clearly unwell. He had lost a fair amount of blood from the wound in his shoulder and barely escaped the bout of poisoning that should have killed him.

Kakashi's brow twitched in exasperation. Iruka could be incredibly obstinate when he chose to. But he had thought his teammate would at least have enough sense to rest in bed if the doctors deemed the chunin's condition serious enough to hospitalize him. What was he doing, sitting by himself in the dark like this?

If Iruka noticed his disapproval, he gave no sign. He sat very still, his hand curled loosely around the jounin's broken one, staring absently at their joined hands as though his mind was miles away.

Then, he looked up. His eyes were dull from want of sleep but they lit up the moment their gaze met.

"Kakashi!" He breathed, leaning forward in his chair, his face split by a wide, ecstatic grin. "You're awake!"

"Thank goodness you're awake. Y-you have no idea…" His eyes dropped briefly to their joined hands but instead of letting go, he clutched his hand even more tightly. "You were under the effects of the poison for so long…and your chakra was so low…"

His deep brown eyes were luminous in the dark, an odd touch of wildness in them as he looked at him searchingly. "Y-you wouldn't wake up…a-and Tsunade said…she said…"

There was a sudden tremble in his voice. He bit his lip, looking away from him.

"I'm glad…I'm just _so_ _glad_ you're awake, Kakashi…" He said in a choked whisper, lacing their hands tightly together.

Quietly, pressing his free hand over his mouth as though he was trying to stop himself, he started to cry.

Kakashi stared, horrified.

He had never seen Iruka like this. It took him a moment to realize, his teammate was frightened.

Frightened for him.

Frightened, beyond the strong-hearted chunin could bear, that he might lose him.

Listening to the muted hitched breathing, looking at the hand that clutched so desperately at his own, Kakashi's heart constricted.

In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort the schoolteacher. To hold him and tell him he had suffered worse and survived. That he was going to be fine, that he would heal. That if the chunin was to cry every time a teammate got hurt, he would have no tears left.

But he had no strength to even say a word. All he managed was a weak croak that did not sound remotely reassuring.

Iruka raised his head at the sound. Instantly, he was leaning over him, concern written across his tear-streaked face.

"What is it?" He asked, his eyes darting to the heart rate monitors before shifting quickly to the respirator. "Is it the pain? It must be very bad oh-!"

He broke off, letting go of his injured hand suddenly as though he had been burnt. "I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was holding on so hard…I must be hurting you."

He paused and deflated with a sigh, sinking back in his chair, his expression rueful and sad.

"I'm always hurting you, aren't I?" He said quietly.

The meaning of his words was not lost on the jounin.

Clasping his hands tightly in his lap, Iruka's head bowed. "I'm sorry I've been so useless…I'm sorry I'm always disappointing you. I'm trying but I can't do anything right…I-"

He bit his lip, cutting himself off. His usually cheerful countenance was shadowed by that solemn expression Kakashi had seen on his face when he first woke up, and on so many occasions on their mission together when the chunin thought he wasn't looking.

Wiping a tired hand over his face, Iruka took a deep breath as if he was about to divulge a matter that had weighed on his mind for a long time.

"I know I'm not that person you care for anymore." He began slowly but with grave purpose. "I don't have any of those memories that are so precious to you. I'm not good enough compared to the Iruka you have in your mind…and maybe I never will be."

His mouth tightened into a grim, determined line. "But I can learn." His voice gathered force. "I will work hard. I won't do anything you dislike. I will change everything I can so that I'll be more like that Iruka you have in your mind."

"And if that's still not good enough…" He trailed off. Spreading his hands against the bed, he stared down at the splay of his stout, callused fingers against the blanket and was silent for a long moment.

"I'm still _me_, I'm still Iruka." He said finally, looking up at him, sorrow and pain reflected in the depths of his dark brown eyes. "Could you please at least try a little to see that too?"

"Could you try to accept me too?"

Kakashi blinked, stunned.

This was the first time he had heard any of this. Looking at the earnest pleading expression on the chunin's face, he could not help but feel greatly moved.

_All this time, he has been worrying about this…_

He must have been staring at Iruka quite intently for the man blushed and looked away. He was smiling now, a little bit shy, a little bit determined; and so entirely Iruka, he felt himself falling in love with the chunin all over again.

"Ah, what am I doing?" Iruka laughed embarrassedly, scratching at the scar across his nose. He managed a strained smile. "You need rest, I've kept you up with my babbling."

Rising slowly to his feet, he reached over to the dresser by the bed and wrung out a wet towel, placing it against his fevered brow. "Just try to endure the pain and fever for now, okay? Tsunade-sama managed to make an antidote for you, but she said you've been under the effects of the poison for so long, she wasn't sure if it'll work." At this, he looked troubled and anxious.

Chasing away the dark thoughts with a shake of his head, he smiled. "But she said as long as you would wake before morning, even if it's just for a little while, you'll be alright. You'll pull through."

Raising his hand to stroke his hair, he hesitated, as though it was something he had wanted to do all along but wasn't sure if he was allowed to.

In the end, he settled for letting his hand rest lightly on his head, merely letting the silver strands sift between his fingers, the gesture awkward but filled with promise. "So just go to sleep, okay? We can talk more when you wake."

In a heartbeat, Kakashi tensed. What if this was all a dream? What if this was another genjutsu and in reality, he had not escaped the Takigakure prison at all?

Suddenly, he was afraid to close his eyes.

Afraid that the next time he opened his eyes, he would no longer be in this place, in this place where Iruka cared for him, where Iruka held his hand and touched his hair, who looked at him as though he was _special_ to him.

To lose all this a second time would be too much to bear.

Although he had no strength to speak, Iruka seemed to understand him.

Slipping his hand back into his bandaged one, the chunin smiled and sat down. "It's alright. It'll be fine, you'll see." He gave his hand a light, careful squeeze, mindful of his injuries. "Go to sleep, I'll be right here when you wake up."

Kakashi wanted to protest, but Iruka's voice was a soft, low murmur in the dark and the words healed his heart and soothed his pains better than any drug could.

A great weariness settled over him and suddenly, he found he could not keep his eye open.

And the last thought in his mind as sank back into sleep was that Iruka's hands were really just as warm as he remembered them…

* * *

The next time Kakashi woke, the room was filled with bright winter sunshine.

He blinked at the crisp, white curtains that hung over the windows to clear blue sky outside. The intense pain was gone, leaving a half-hearted sort of ache in his bones. He was still weak, but he was breathing on his own and the fever had broken, leaving his mind clearer than it had been when he last woke.

For a moment, he simply lay in bed, languidly taking in the feel of the starched sheets against his skin, watching the sunlight refract through the frosted window panes with an idyllic calm, reveling in all the sight and sensations of being alive.

Then, with a sharp gut-dropping suddenness, it hit him.

He was alone in the room.

He sat up in a rush, wide-eyed and panicked. Pain shot through him at the careless movement but he pressed a hand to his middle and ignored it. Breathless and on the brink of despair, he looked around desperately.

The visitor's chair by his bed was empty and a quick sweep of the room showed that there were no nooks and crannies that anyone could be hiding.

There was a tall vase of sunflowers by the window sill and he knew Gai had been by to visit. A smaller one with a single daffodil in it told him Sakura had been by as well.

But there was nothing else in the room that might suggest anyone else had been in the room.

His heart sank.

It was a dream. It was all a fever-induced dream, nothing more.

And like a fool, he had fallen for it.

His shoulders slumped, suddenly he was very glad they had given him his mask back so that no one could see how shaken up he was by a mere dream. Pressing his good hand over his eyes, he drew a trembling breath and allowed himself a small self-deprecating smile.

After all this time, he should have known better.

For a moment, he truly regretted waking up. The cold loneliness of reality always did cut deeper after a brief tantalizing glimpse of hope.

Lost in a world of fresh sorrow and old grief, Kakashi almost jumped at the sound of the bathroom flushing. He stared fixedly at the closed door of the adjoining bathroom, listening to the sound of gurgling water and the squeak of the taps, hardly daring to breathe.

He wished he had the use of his Sharingan, to read the chakra signature of the person behind the closed door. But the eye was wrapped firmly behind bandages to allow it to rest and he doubted he had the energy to fuel it given the state he was in anyway.

And perhaps it was better if he didn't know the identity of the person behind that door.

He swallowed hard, his throat suddenly gone dry.

Hope was rising within him once more, and it froze him with fear.

His hand fisted slowly around the blankets pooled on his lap, even as he fought to keep his composure. He could not let himself hope, not again, not anymore.

Still, he could not keep himself from watching the bathroom door as it swung open and Iruka emerged, wiping his hands on the seat of his pants.

"Kakashi." His good-natured face lit up with a bright, warm smile. "How are you feeling?"

Kakashi did not reply.

The man was in uniform, his hair bunched up neatly behind his head. He watched the man warily as the chunin approached the bed, measuring his movements, studying the features in that face he knew and loved so well for the slightest sign of deceit.

He would not be fooled again.

"Kakashi?" Iruka sounded anxious. "What's wrong?" He put out a hand as though to touch him.

In an instant, Kakashi had his wrist in his grip.

"Who are you?" He growled, his voice gravelly with disuse but seething unmistakably with anger. "What have you done with Iruka?"

* * *

Iruka smiled, wiping his hands on his pants as he stepped through the door of the bathroom.

Kakashi had a real sense of timing. He had been sitting by his bed all day in the past week, watching over him, waiting for him to come around. But the jounin just _had to_ choose a moment when he stepped out to use the bathroom to wake.

Nevertheless, the anxiety in his heart eased to see Kakashi sitting up in bed, his dark eye blinking slowly as he met his gaze.

He grinned. "Kakashi. How are you feeling?"

The first sign that something was wrong was when the jounin did not smile back. He sat motionless, studying him with a dispassionate calm, his expression unreadable behind his mask.

Iruka's stomach knotted up with worry.

"Kakashi?" He stepped forward, reaching out a hand to feel the jounin's forehead, worried that odd behavior was a sign the fever had returned.

His teammate grabbed his wrist before he could touch him, his face transformed into one of pure rage. "Who are you? What have you done with Iruka?"

He gasped. The jounin was still unwell, his grip on his arm was shaky and weak. But it was the implications of his words that frightened Iruka to the core.

Was this what Tsunade had feared would happen? She had hinted at her concern for Kakashi's mental stability before and the jounin had showed signs of disorientation when he first found him in the Takigakure prison. Could it be that the delusions had gotten worse and now finally consumed the man?

Swallowing hard, Iruka pushed back his worries and faced him. "Have you gone blind?" He challenged. "Can't you tell?_ I'm_ Iruka."

Kakashi gave him a considering look for a long moment, staring so deeply into his eyes Iruka had to fight the urge to look away.

Then, the grip on his wrist slackened and the silver head bowed.

"No." Kakashi said in a small voice, tremulous and upset as a child. "No, you're not."

The miserable tone of the jounin's voice and the weight of his words hit him like a physical blow. Something in his chest clenched.

Scratching uncomfortably at the scar across his nose, he shuffled his feet and shrugged, trying to lighten the mood. "Uh…well, I guess I _am_ Iruka but…not _quite_ the Iruka you were hoping for, huh?"

When Kakashi did not react, he sighed. "Maybe you were too ill to remember what I said, but I do care for you, greatly." He bit his lip. "I'm not as good as the person you wish I was. And perhaps you may even be right that it's never the same the second time round."

He took a deep breath. "But I will work hard. I still want to try…if you would have me, that is…" He finished uncertainly, staring fixedly down at the spread of the blankets on the bed, unable to meet the jounin's eye.

For a long moment, there was only silence.

Iruka fought the urge to fidget. He imagined Kakashi's intense gaze must be on him right now, searing his skin, laying bare his soul, seeing-even without the help of the Sharingan-the thousand and one imperfections because of the memories he did not have.

Then, a small broken sound came from deep in Kakashi's throat.

Startled, Iruka looked up.

The jounin's face was frozen and expressionless but his eye brimmed with tears, rolling silently down his cheeks, dampening the fabric of his mask.

"Ack! You're crying!" Iruka yelped, flailing in panic. "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? I'm so sorry…I must be upsetting you…" He took a frantic step towards the door. "Uh…I guess I should leave…I'll come back later…"

A hand caught his wrist a second time, this time tight with desperate yearning and need.

He turned to look at the jounin, surprised.

"What you said…I-I…" Kakashi yanked down his mask, all his hopes and fears showing plainly on his face even as he struggled to find the right words to say.

"I…I just…okay." His face crumpled, his hand tightened convulsively over his. "Just…_okay_, all right?"

Like the first few tentative rays of sunrise at the break of dawn, realization was slow to come to Iruka.

But when it did, it seeped down into the very core of his being, radiating to fill every corner with such warmth and light, he couldn't help but wonder how he could feel so happy at the jounin's answer when his heart hurt to watch Kakashi cry like this. He bit his lip, his heart constricting.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he wrapped his arms around the distraught jounin and pulled him close.

Kakashi clutched at him with the desperation of a drowning man to a piece of driftwood, as if he was terrified Iruka would vanish the moment he let go. He buried his face in his shoulder, his tears soaking into the collar of Iruka's shirt.

Kakashi clung to him for a long time after that, his lean frame shaking with silent sobs.

Only when the jounin fell into an exhausted sleep, did Iruka let his own tears come.

He sat rubbing at his damp cheeks with one hand, trying not to disturb Kakashi while he slept, feeling strangely like laughing as he looked down at the pale bandaged hand that still clung so tightly to him even in sleep.

On impulse, he bent and dropped a light kiss on the back of Kakashi's hand. A wordless promise to cherish and protect this person who had grown so dear to his heart.

They made an odd picture, he knew, smiling fondly at the jounin as he tucked the blanket gently around him.

But for the first time since he woke up almost a year ago, his entire world was _right_ again.


	37. Epilogue

Hi everyone! Yes, it took a while but the epilogue is finally done and this story is finally complete. (contented smile) Looking back on all the chapters, I can hardly believe I've worked on this story for years and right now, I'm feeling just a little bit disgusted that I can ramble on and write so much! (laugh) But it's a wonderful feeling to be able to work hard on a project and share with everyone, reading all your comments and seeing different perspectives on things. So thank you very much for coming on this journey with me! (grin)

And because you didn't leave an email address for me to reply your review,  
To lecanis: I'm glad you kept coming back to this story even though I took so long in between chapters to update, thanks!  
To sara, kathia and helda: I do take a long time to update but this is the last one for this story so hopefully, it'll be worth the wait. (smile)  
To Senna-chan: Yes, finally it's happy tears! (grin) I'm so glad you've enjoyed the story. Thank you for always leaving me a review!  
To Harvey: I'm also a bit sad the story has come to an end (sigh) but I'm really relieved I actually stuck with it and saw it through to the end.  
To HH: It's ok you haven't seen this story before; you found it at a good time, right before the end…so you didn't have to suffer as much in between chapters for this slow author to update. (sheepish and apologetic)  
To eve: Dry eye problem solution…hm, I should get this patented. (smile)  
To mango: Wah! I know, slow updates…I'm very sorry. (bows in apology)  
To Amanda: Glad you enjoyed it. I do like angst with a touch of happiness…so this story was good for me to write too.  
To Anise: Yeah, these two have struggled not only with each other but also with themselves or so long, it's really such a relief for them to stop being so careful around each other and just come out and say what they mean.  
To jazzy: Ah, sorry this story is making everyone cry so much…  
To Annoukh: I do find the misunderstanding between the characters was getting a bit irritating as well but I'm glad you liked the rest of it.  
To kennardaillard: I think it's not so much whether Iruka believes what Kakashi said about them being in love in the past or not, it's more like this piece of information is meaningless to him because he does not remember…it has no emotional significance for him. But it's frustrating for Iruka because Kakashi seems to be so fixated on the past that he does not know how to move forward. And I don't think any character, for example Tsunade, actually sees Kakashi as a person incapable of love. It's just they didn't know of the relationship so when Kakashi suddenly gets so obsessed with Iruka, it's a bit of a concern…and being the medic that she is, her first natural conclusion is that he's physically or mentally unwell. Lastly, Pakkun! I love dogs and enjoyed writing him and the ninken a lot but unfortunately, he wouldn't appear again in this story.

And finally, the sort-of-happy ending that I've promised. Hope everyone would enjoy it and thank you all very much once again for reading!

**Epilogue**

Iruka wanted to say everything was fine after that. He wished he could say that day at the hospital, was the start of their happily ever after.

But life was not a fairytale, much less a shinobi's life.

The poison on the kunai that had hit them both was a particularly strong one. While he had recovered well thanks to Kakashi's quick actions that day, help had come almost too late for jounin.

Even the antidote Tsunade managed to make could do nothing for the damage the poison had already dealt to Kakashi's system. The jounin suffered several alarming relapses, each one sending the man back into intensive care, face pale and fighting for breath.

And each time, Iruka found he was unable to leave his side.

As though bound by a spell, he would sit for hours and watched as Kakashi lay heavily sedated under a drug-induced sleep. In the sterile oppressive silence of the ward, he could only watch and wait, counting each slow labored breath the jounin took; feeling helpless and afraid, frustrated he could do so little for the person he most wanted to protect.

But just as the days of darkness and worry were starting to meld together, stretching out as though they would never end, Kakashi finally started getting better.

With the same nonchalant, unhurried attitude the Copynin took with everything, he healed slowly. His injuries and chakra pathways started mending with a grudging sort of pace that had the medics shaking their heads in exasperation but sighing in relief all the same.

And the best part of it all was Kakashi's smiles, growing steadily stronger with each passing day and more often seen.

It made a warm bubble of happiness expand in his chest every time he saw one of those smiles. To watch the jounin's eye crinkle up above his mask, or catch the corners of that gentle mouth lift into an expression of joy more genuine than he had ever seen from the man, touched him with an inexplicable emotion so complex he barely knew what to do. He only knew a secret part of him really hoped he was at least part of the reason for those smiles.

Yet, there were times when Iruka would catch the man watching him with a strange haunted look in his uncovered eye.

Those times, Kakashi's eye was always shuttered, dark with the shadows of an old wound that had yet to heal. He hid it behind his mask and easy smiles, but the tiny gleam of panic that flashed through jounin's eye every time visitors' hours at the hospital were over told him, the man was downright terrified he might not be back to see him the next day.

It surprised and worried him. Despite all appearances, he was starting to realize how emotionally fragile Kakashi really was. The fact that Kakashi was so needy of him now when the jounin had been so keen on avoiding him in the past few months left him utterly confounded.

It would probably be classified as borderline insane, but Iruka had learnt that to care for Hatake Kakashi, was to understand his special kind of crazy.

That's why the moment Kakashi gained enough strength and the doctors deemed him ready for discharge, Iruka decided to take matters into his own hands.

He signed all the required papers, bought an extra futon, and brought the man home.

Kakashi's relief, when he heard the news, was palpable.

The jounin tried to make a few customary polite protests anyway. He scratched at the back of his head uneasily, mumbling excuses like he did not want to impose, that he did not want to be a bother, that he was really quite capable of taking care of himself but thank you very much.

Iruka fought the urge to roll his eyes at the pathetic display. But he listened patiently to his excuses, humming in understanding and making the appropriate responses at all the right parts.

When the jounin ran out of things to say, he simply gave him a perfunctory nod, picked up his bags and promptly took him home.

And when Kakashi caught his hand and gave it a small squeeze in wordless gratitude as they turned up the quiet path towards the chunin's apartment, his heart swelled to ten times its size to know he was finally getting something right.

Still, it made his heart ache to see Kakashi shuffle almost apologetically into the living room, sitting down gingerly on the couch as though he wasn't quite sure what to do, looking around at his apartment and all its probably familiar things with a sad look in his eye.

It felt strange and awkward; the air was so heavy, it was stifling. He could feel all the unspoken regrets and should-have-beens hanging in the space between them as Kakashi let his solemn gaze rove slowly around the room to finally settle on him.

It hurt, just a little bit, to wonder what Kakashi saw as he looked at him.

Then, Kakashi smiled; the moment passed and he could breathe again.

The recuperating jounin dutifully allowed Iruka to march him to the bedroom and even waggled a suggestive eyebrow at him cheekily as he put him to bed. Iruka fluffed up the pillows for him to lean on and tucked the blankets firmly around him with an admonishing frown. Then, he had spread the futon on the ground beside the bed in a matter-of-fact, no-nonsense manner he hoped would chase away the haunted look in the jounin's eye the man was trying so hard to hide.

And if he was awoken in the middle of the night by the sudden weight of Kakashi's gaze on him, he did not comment.

He would get up to sit with the jounin for a while, reassure him through all his stumbling excuses and mumbled apologies, then coax him to lie down again and rest.

In the dark gloom of the night, he would pretend not to notice how badly the jounin was trembling, how desperately Kakashi clung to him, afraid to let go. And as he watched Kakashi fall back into an uneasy sleep, he wondered if he had done the right thing after all. As much as he cared for Kakashi, his very presence was a reminder of hurt and pain for the man and he despaired at how this arrangement could possibly be good for the jounin.

But as winter melted into spring, they too slowly settled into each other's existence.

Eventually, even the nightmares went away.

Kakashi still chose to spend as much time as he could around him, but it had become something the jounin drew comfort from, rather than driven by an awful desperation to fulfill a crippling need to be near the chunin.

And that, was exactly what the Copynin was doing right now.

Iruka looked up from the lesson plan he had been working on to the figure lounging on his couch and sighed.

The jounin lay sprawled with a careless grace, his head pillowed on the arm-rest, chin tucked into his chest, mask discarded and hitai-ate gone.

Propping a hand under his chin, Iruka took the chance to watch his sleeping companion for a while. It worried him that Kakashi was still dreadfully pale but his color had improved from the ashen grey he had been sporting while he had been in the hospital. The man was still too thin, but his face had slowly lost the gaunt, hollow look. It was heartening to see the signs of stress and ravages of the poison fading away one by one.

Warmth touched his heart and he allowed himself a small private smile. Sometimes, the feelings he has for this man still managed to surprise him.

His eyes were closed, the bruising around the Sharingan had faded to a faint smudge over his eyelid. His chest rose and fell easily, his breathing coming deep and even through his slightly parted lips. One leg was flopped over the edge of the couch, the other wedged against a corner, fighting with the cushions for space. The book he had been reading now dangled precariously from slack fingers over the side of the couch.

He looked decidedly uncomfortable, sleeping on a couch too small for his tall frame.

Iruka shook his head with an exasperated smile. Silently, he stood and retrieved a blanket. Shaking it out, he draped it over him, taking care not to wake the jounin as he tucked it gently around his shoulders.

But when he tried to ease Icha Icha Paradise from his hand, Kakashi stirred.

"Mmm?" He muttered sleepily, one dark eye blinking open slowly.

Iruka knelt down beside him, studying him carefully. The fact that the jounin woke slowly, instead of snapping from sleep to full wakefulness as all shinobi do, was a sign of how much his healing body still craved rest. The therapy session that morning at the hospital to rehabilitate his broken leg had certainly wore him out even more.

"Tired?" He raised an eyebrow and grinned evilly, trying to keep the smug triumph out of his voice. "Knew you would fall asleep but you just _had to _read your book out here."

"Maa…not tired at all." Kakashi insisted, completely unrepentant. He stretched lazily, smiling vaguely even as he fought back a yawn. "Just resting my eyes."

Iruka snorted. "Told you if you're this tired, you should go in and lie down properly to sleep."

"Not tired." He repeated somewhat petulantly.

Iruka bit back a smile at the stubborn twist in the corner of his mouth. But his playful mood vanished when he laid a hand against his forehead to check his temperature.

"You're feeling kind of warm." He frowned, suddenly concerned. "Did the doctor say anything this morning when you saw him?"

Kakashi waved his concerns off with a nonchalant hand. "Fine, fine. He said I'm fine."

"Hm, I don't know…" He chewed worriedly on his bottom lip as he pressed two fingers to the side of the jounin's neck to take his pulse. "You can always do with more rest. Maybe we shouldn't go to the festival tonight-"

"But we must!" In a flash, Kakashi sat up and seized his hand in a tight grip, drawing it away from his neck with a touch of panic in his eye.

"Kakashi…"

"I feel fine, really! We must go to the festival!" Kakashi insisted, his smile bright and eager and just a bit painful to look at. "We'll bring food and maybe a bit of sake."

"Kakashi, listen-"

"-and later, there'll even be fireworks to start the new year." He was babbling now, the grip on his hand was becoming crushingly tight. "We went last year and it was wonderful! Don't you remember, we-"

He cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath, his expression instantly turning into one of horror and guilt.

Iruka bit his lip and looked away.

Another memory of them that only existed in Kakashi's mind.

Real or imagined, it was another glowing memory in Kakashi's mind he could neither touch or experience. And anything they tried to do now to re-capture the moment would only be a poor imitation.

His heart sank. He knew how much Kakashi was looking forward to the festival. But would it really be as wonderful as it had been the last time? Would he be able to say the right things, act the right way to make it as good as Kakashi remembered?

It's moments like this, when he was so acutely aware of all his inadequacies that he felt like he was holding his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting, perhaps for Kakashi to tell him he was tired of all the things that were missing between them; waiting for the jounin to tell him the second time round really wasn't worth it after all.

"Iruka, please…I'm sorry." Kakashi's voice broke his reverie and he looked up to see the jounin looking at him with an oddly helpless expression on his face. "I didn't mean…I was just…"

The jounin coughed, uncertainty clouding his features. "It's all right if you don't want to go…I mean we had a good time last year and I just thought…well…er…maybe…" He trailed off into miserable silence.

Iruka sighed. He could never deny Kakashi anything when the man was looking at him with that half-hopeful, half-pleading expression; forlorn and unloved as a kicked puppy.

Straightening his back, he folded his arms across his chest and regarded the jounin with mock sternness. "Tell you what. I'll make you a deal." He told him gravely. "If you promise to go lie down in bed properly and _rest your eyes _from now until it's time to leave for the festival, we'll go."

Kakashi's shoulders drooped and he sniffed piteously. "You drive a hard bargain, Iruka-sensei."

But he rose to his feet and padded off to the bedroom, dragging the blanket behind him. And when Iruka poked his head in to check on him a while later, the man was already fast asleep, blanket pulled up high so he could bury his nose in the warm quilt.

Iruka couldn't hold back his smile as he sat down quietly by his side, touching a hesitant hand to the tousled silver hair. He still had work to finish and preparations to make for the festival but he found himself wanting to spend as much time as he could near Kakashi as well.

Who knows when moments like this would end?

His smile faded a little, remembering the look on the jounin's face earlier. He was trying his best but how many times could he disappoint Kakashi before the jounin got tired of him? How long was he allowed to be by the jounin's side like this?

Somehow, he was afraid to know the answer.

* * *

"Come on, just one more block! We're almost there."

"Oh for goodness sake, be careful!" Iruka growled, catching hold of Kakashi's arm just in time to steady him as his foot slipped a bit on the snow covered roof. The doctors had strictly forbidden him from using his chakra and the last thing the recovering jounin needed was to break something by tumbling off the roof.

_We probably shouldn't even be up here on the roof_, he groaned as they made their way across another stretch of buildings. The weather was just starting to warm up with winter ending but the rooftops were still slick with ice. His heart gave another nervous tic of worry as Kakashi almost missed another step.

But the man himself was entirely unfazed. Stepping up to the edge of the roof, he leapt forward and caught the railings with one hand, swinging himself up easily onto the balcony that was just outside the Hokage's office.

He straightened slowly, peering into the gloom of the Hokage's office, taking a moment to make sure there was no one around despite the late hour. Then, he was leaning over the metal rails, grinning as he beckoned to him with an all-clear signal, happy and excited as a child.

_Come on._ He mouthed, his dark eye glinting in anticipation, his hair wind-swept and wild.

Iruka rolled his eyes in fond exasperation.

But Kakashi's enthusiasm was contagious and he found himself grinning back. Tossing the pack he was carrying up to the jounin, he swung himself up to land lightly beside him.

The view from the balcony was spectacular.

Konoha was spread out at their feet. The twinkling street lights marked out each and every winding road through the village. He could see every building and house from where they stood.

There was the tiny bake shop with its delicious sweets. There was the park where the old man sold ice-cream from his cart in the summer. There was the academy building, no long in ruins from the explosion; the rebuilding efforts were almost complete, just in time for when the new school term begins.

And at the center of it all, the bright lights and cheerful sound of the festival in the village square shone like a jewel in the night. Even this far away, he could hear the music, the joyous laughter, mingling with the sounds of hundreds of people gathered to celebrate the coming of the new year and surviving the old one.

This was the pulse of their village, their home.

He wondered if this was what the Hokages felt as they stood upon this very same balcony and suddenly, he was filled with tremendous relief once again that their mission to Takigakure had worked out.

Their situation with Waterfall was still tensed but news had reached them of a change in leadership in Takigakure. The new leader was a young man, inexperienced and with little political power over his council, but seemed keen on mending diplomatic ties with Konoha. There were even rumors Konoha might enter into peace talks with them in the spring.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Kakashi murmured by his side as they gazed out over their village. "Kind of makes you wish you could be the Hokage, doesn't it?"

"Why, Kakashi." Iruka shot him a disbelieving look, a teasing smile on his lips. "You know the whole point of sneaking up here was to get the view without getting the job, right?"

Kakashi laughed and sat down. "No, the whole point of sneaking up here was because we sneaked up here last year and we absolutely enjoyed it."

Last year. He froze and shot his companion a sharp look.

He didn't know Kakashi was going to play out the evening exactly the way it happened a year ago. What was Kakashi hoping to achieve? Was it some secret test? Had he done something wrong already, something different?

But the jounin was oblivious to his concerns. He was unpacking the dinner they had brought, setting out the bento boxes in front of them, pulling down his mask to take a deep appreciative whiff of the eggplant miso soup in the thermos.

"Let's eat." He smiled, offering him a pair of chopsticks.

Iruka swallowed and nodded.

Sitting down side by side, they chatted as they ate, talking easily of everything and nothing. The night was cool with a hint of spring and gradually, Iruka relaxed.

They had been sitting in companionable silence for a while, enjoying the view of the village under the dark expanse of the night sky when Kakashi spoke.

"I guess you were right, you know."

"About what?" He asked absently, chewing on a piece of eel. The crowd had begun counting down to the new year; he could hear them in the distance.

_Ten, nine, eight…_

He kept his eyes glued to the eastern sky, not wanting to miss the sight of the first of the fireworks display, that he almost missed Kakashi's answer.

"About us." Kakashi's voice was quiet and serious. "About how it's never the same the second time round."

Everything went still. The crowd was still counting down, cheerfully going _six, five, four…_but he barely even heard them.

All he could hear was the pounding of his heart, trying to continue beating despite the pain tearing it in two.

He had failed the test. He had tried everything he could, tried to do things right; but in the end, it just wasn't enough.

"And?" He managed to ask, even though his throat had gone dry. Setting his bowl aside, he folded his hands in his lap nervously and snuck a careful sideway glance at his companion as he waited for him to speak.

Kakashi was staring contemplatively at the night sky and he was silent for a long moment.

"I think I have to agree it's really not the same the second time round." He said finally, with a terrible, grave certainty.

Iruka bit his lip, hard.

"Oh." He said in a very small voice, willing himself to be strong as his world-just so recently made whole-was falling to pieces again. "I…I-I see."

"Uh-huh, not one bit the same I must say." The cheerful turn in Kakashi's voice startled him.

When he looked over, he was surprised by the grin on his face and the way the single stormy grey eye was looking at him.

Heartfelt and full of adoration, burning with an unwavering belief that all the pain and suffering he had been through had been worth it.

"Because," He smiled a warm, genuine Kakashi smile as he laid a hand over Iruka's own. "the second time round, it's even better."

_…one!_

Because he was looking at Kakashi, he missed the first fireworks but he saw its reflection in the metal of his hitai-ate slanted over the Sharingan.

A golden starburst, which color and light could not outshine the brilliance of absolute happiness in Kakashi's eye.

"You…" Iruka choked, his vision suddenly blurry with tears.

He launched himself at him, heedless that they were out in the open where anyone could see them if they were to look up. Kakashi yelped in mock horror but he let himself be tackled. They went down in a tangled heap, knocking over one of the bento boxes, laughing breathlessly…perhaps crying a little too.

Kakashi flopped onto his back, running a hand back through his hair to get it out of his eye, trying to catch his breath. He was still laughing, a pure rich sound of such delight; laughing like he didn't care about all their yesterdays, only looking forward to all their tomorrows.

Still gasping a little to calm his own laughter, Iruka braced up on one elbow beside him and looked down at his face in wonderment. He reached out a hand and touched his cheek gently.

This was how he wanted Kakashi to always be, he decided, always happy, always smiling like he had never been hurt, like he had never known the meaning of heartache and pain.

And he would do everything in his power to keep the jounin this way, every day.

On impulse, he bent down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"I love you." He said as he pulled away, surprised at how easily the words slipped out and how true they echoed in his heart. He smiled down into Kakashi's eye. "I love you."

Kakashi didn't say a word. He merely stared up at him, his eye wide with surprise.

Then he was reaching up, catching his lips with his own and kissing him back with all the pain and bittersweetness of a man who had been waiting for spring to come all alone in the land of eternal winter.

Their kiss tasted of pain and regret, of shadows of the past and the uncertainty of their future. But underneath all that, there was undeniable sense of hope, a sweetness in the knowledge that as long as they kept trying, they would somehow pull through.

In the distance, the temple bells began to toll, ringing in the new year.

Iruka closed his eyes and smiled against Kakashi's lips, lacing their hands tightly together. It was already looking to be a fantastic one.

**The End**


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